Maudcat

Takes a while to learn that about ourselves sometimes.
Try again.

YCDT

I just don't understand why I am like this. Does anyone else have some actual info on why some of us can tolerate a drink or two, and others can not? Is it genetic? One of the problems I foresee with me stopping drinking is that my husband can drink and stop after one or two. I generally don't. I did today, thankfully, but 90% I get obliterated. He can't seem to understand why I don't just chose to stop at a certain point...but I don't think I understand it either.
I don't enjoy it. So, why?

Dee74

Hi YCDT
I stayed away from any places that served alcohol for a while.

I needed to put clear distance between my old life and the new life and the new me I wanted to be.

I guess I'm lucky in that where I live there are a great number of non alcohol serving or BYO alcohol restaurants.

I'd be surprised that a big foodie country like the USA hasn't got that array of choice as well, at least in the cities.

There's a vegetarian Indian place I go to every Sunday night - great food - not a drop of alcohol.

I used places like that to build up my 'sober muscles' and get used to being around people and being sociable without alcohol.

Now I've been sober for over a decade and I can go anywhere with anyone and not want to drink - but I had to work up to that.

Keep working hard on your recovery and you'll get there too, I promise

D

Dee74

I searched for years about the why but in the end I never found a better answer than my my brain is different to other peoples.

Whether I was born that way or developed that way (I started smoking weed heavily in my teens and got into booze later) I don't know... but abstinence has been the key to a happy healthy life for me

D

Delilah1

I avoided places with alcohol for the first few months, because I didn't want to be tempted, and I also didn't feel like dealing with others after they'd been drinking.

After a while not drinking will become your normal. I know that seems far away right now, but it happens.

Tomorrow is a brand new day, perfect time to start again!

Meraviglioso

YES! Someone does! I remember someone linking to this thread early on in my recovery and feeling so relieved to read it. I immediately bought the book too. The book is good and explains clearly and very thoroughly why some people can drink and others cannot. The book does get a bit laborsome at times as it is very scientific/medical and very, very detailed with a lot of references to research, etc. However, I got through it just reading small chunks at a time.

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...influence.html (Excerpts from "Under The Influence")

August252015

For me, I started going out to more places and with people other than my parents (I didn't start dating my now husband until about 5 mo sober) when I didn't get a gut clinch of discomfort at the thought.

Personally, I wasn't tempted to drink, I just didn't have the interest back or care about food like I did before and we do now, so I only did things I was comfortable with or had to do (meetings, work).

And, it can- will, IMO and IME- become habit to go out wherever and not drink; though I'll add that I have found I only spend time with friends who are normal drinkers and alcohol isn't always something they order.

I'll give you two perfect examples of how we live (he is in recovery, too):
We got married in private on Fri. After I got my hair then makeup done (at a fave place where they offer water and wine- no problem declining as I brought my own ginger ale), but before we dressed, we went to lunch at a favorite place. We had the sweetest server who remarked we were so pleasant - we told her we were getting married! After a bit, she brought two glasses of champagne- then she hesitated and asked if we drink - we smiled and said we did not, and she laughed a little and said "you know, I had that thought for some reason" - she proceeded to politely ask if we were in a program, then share that her mom is 25 years sober. It was a lovely little conversation - and to me, one of the ways you just never know who'll you will encounter and appreciate in sober life, when you will be aware of it!

The other example (and there were a couple others during our day then our stay in a gorgeous suite at a beautiful hotel) - came at dinner at an amazing steak place here. I normally inquire if a dish that usually has alcohol in it (it really does not "burn off" nearly as much as people think!!) but was just happy and relaxed and remembered how good their mushrooms are, and voila, they arrived and had a distinct amount of sherry tasted in one small bite! I do not eat food cooked with alcohol, so I passed and my husband enjoyed (he is less strict about this than I am) and it just wasn't a big deal. Our server apologized profusely because my husband had told them in advance that we didn't drink.

Final note: I am heading on 23 mo sober. All of this has been a process and a peacefulness in situations that has evolved. Last year, maybe around 8-9 mo, I freaked out when I realized I had eaten a delicious calamari dish at a friend's small dinner party - so much so that I called my sponsor in tears and left the party!

Acceptance and just developing new habits- I actually find perfect contentment drinking club soda and lime, and just had a mildly nostalgic moment with the champagne because it was one of my fave "24/7" (ha) bevs.

I hope you will start a sober journey and that you stick around here with us. You can do it.

MindfulMan

It's amazing when you tell people, even relative strangers, that you've gotten sober how supportive they are and how they are as well or they have a close relative who got sober, and how good it's been.

People who've been through it or are close to someone who has understand what an accomplishment it is.

I'm a total extrovert and don't believe in secrets, so I pretty much tell everyone. It holds me accountable and puts it out to the world that I am a sober person. Most people react more like "Congrats that you solved a difficult problem" than "You are a characterless drunk."

I think most (NOT ALL!!!) can get to the point where a sober life is such a reward in itself that cravings and temptations will minimize to the point where they can be acknowledged and let go. Even in situations where there is alcohol served, even at places where we would have enjoyed wine/beer/whatever with food.

Or not. Like driving a motorcycle, scuba diving, or any other dangerous activity, know and respect your limits.

DontRemember

You don't suck. It's just addiction. If you were addicted to gambling,would you go hangout at a casino on payday and not expect to be gritting your teeth? I do a lot of business with bar owners and have to take clients to bars all the time for meetings(their choice) and buy their drinks. I no longer drink is the difference. I had to get some time between me and the 'life' before I was able to do this without temptation. Like I said before "I failed many a 'test' along the way". Imagine putting as much focus,time,energy,ect..on NOT drinking as you are with the drinking. It takes hard work and commitment to get and stay sober. I'm only almost a year(I don't count days) and it was at least month 3 before I wasn't gritting my teeth watching others enjoy their drinks 'responsibly'. I also can't say I will never drink again. I'm just not going to drink today.

LBrain

I jumped off a building and landed on the sidewalk and it hurt. So I waited a month to try it again. It hurt again. I've proven to myself that I should not jump off buildings. I don't need to try that experiment again...
As you will hear time and again, people just don't understand - about why we must shelter ourselves from alcohol drinking possibilities. And they never will understand unless they've been there. The best you can do is to try to educate your significant other on addiction - and not just try to convince them how it works. And also let them know that for the most part, this is just a temporary injunction on your going out to enjoy restaurants. Once you have a grasp on not drinking or being tempted, you should be able to fully immerse yourself into life socially without worrying about a 'slip'. But it is entirely a choice that you make after you have had a couple months sober. No one can make you drink but you.

LBrain

I just read mindfulman's post. I agree wholeheartedly that people, especially strangers who learn that you are sober say congratulations. I am still amazed by that, people I've never met say "congratulations" when they learned I quit drinking.

DontRemember

Same here. I just had a chick I'm talking to tell me that yesterday, when I let her know I don't drink anymore. She's a non drinker as well.

HopeandFaith1

Maybe so YCDT. Though at some point after you quit, you might have to get accustomed to going, because so many places serve alcohol now.

I quit a year and a half ago and I definitely remember feeling awkward at my favorite drinking restaurants. But I distracted myself by ordering something really good and decadent just for the heck of it. And then I'd look at their drink menu because lots of restaurants like Applebees and Olive Garden have really good, exotic n/a drinks. And sometimes I like a sprite with sugar (gasp). I eat healthier now BTW, that was just to help me get through.

But I guess for now it would be good to avoid them. Try going to places like Panera...ummmm...Cracker Barrel? Buffet type places...i am glad I am used to it now OP. But it took a while.

Last night we were waiting at the bar at a very crowded restaurant and I suddenly found myself literally surrounded by people drinking. Completely boxed in. I did not like that. It's important to always be on your toes and not get too complacent.

August252015

"It's always important to be on your toes and not get too complacent."

The Big Book expressly addresses this. To paraphrase, it says we will no longer fear or be uncomfortable around alcohol, as our obsession has been removed - as long as we remain in spiritual fitness. In other words- what HopeandFaith said, in "regular language." The BB further says that when we have disturbing situations arise we will know how to handle them, even though they used to baffle us. (or we would drink)

This has been true IME and it is absolutely freeing.