Not sure what to do
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 3
Not sure what to do
Hi -
My first time posting here - my 'fiancé' with whom I am 15 weeks pregnant with twins has begun drinking again after 3 years of sobriety.
I suspected it for months but was terrified of the verbal consequences when I asked if he had been drinking. I believed he wasn't but that he was becoming very emotionally and verbally abusive toward me. One morning I insisted on knowing what was happening and saw the 1000s on his credit card he was spending on sneaky drinking. He said he would stop.
Now 2 weeks later he hasn't come home and I heard him slurring on the phone. He threatened to leave me if I tell anyone and that it is my fault he drank because I cried when he made comments on my now very pregnant body (going from fit and thin to now well on way to babies).
He insists he's going to sleep on the floor at his work and maybe come home tomorrow. He will leave me if I tell anyone. All I can do is cry.
Any advice besides leaving him?
Thanks so much in advance.
-k
My first time posting here - my 'fiancé' with whom I am 15 weeks pregnant with twins has begun drinking again after 3 years of sobriety.
I suspected it for months but was terrified of the verbal consequences when I asked if he had been drinking. I believed he wasn't but that he was becoming very emotionally and verbally abusive toward me. One morning I insisted on knowing what was happening and saw the 1000s on his credit card he was spending on sneaky drinking. He said he would stop.
Now 2 weeks later he hasn't come home and I heard him slurring on the phone. He threatened to leave me if I tell anyone and that it is my fault he drank because I cried when he made comments on my now very pregnant body (going from fit and thin to now well on way to babies).
He insists he's going to sleep on the floor at his work and maybe come home tomorrow. He will leave me if I tell anyone. All I can do is cry.
Any advice besides leaving him?
Thanks so much in advance.
-k
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,772
I don't understand why you'd want to stay with someone who treats you so badly. 
And with twins coming, you are going to need help, not hostility. I have no suggestions other than telling someone of this abuse you are being given. That's not the behavior of a potential good father.
And with twins coming, you are going to need help, not hostility. I have no suggestions other than telling someone of this abuse you are being given. That's not the behavior of a potential good father. Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 51
You are going through a lot and my advice is too perhaps seek third party help maybe a therapist someone too give u support and guide you through this. My advice is too make ur environment as healthy and supportive as u can. Family, a friend?? I hope n pray you do because this is no fair too u.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 3
Thank you both - I can't tell any family or friends or else there "will be consequences" if he gets any suspicious phone calls or texts.
I won't be able to afford to take care of children without him, which is why I want to stay with him.
I'm going to try to go to an Al-anon meeting in the morning whether he comes back or not and not speak to him until I return and he apologizes.
Thanks again so much.
I won't be able to afford to take care of children without him, which is why I want to stay with him.
I'm going to try to go to an Al-anon meeting in the morning whether he comes back or not and not speak to him until I return and he apologizes.
Thanks again so much.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
I'm so sorry you're going through this. You're only 15 weeks and he's already made negative comments about your changing body. Not good. Positive comments are great. Negative ones, no thanks. He's been emotionally and verbally abusive....which can escalate to physical abuse. He blames you for his drinking because you cried? Good lord. That's no excuse! But, you know that. Oh my. $1000 could pay for more than just alcohol...any chance he's also doing drugs? One thing to keep in mind: you need to put your health and babies' health first. He's been abusive already. And, for some STRANGE reason men have been statistically shown to be more abusive both verbal and physical to PREGNANT women. It's not right, it's not fair, but it's something to keep in mind. Protect yourself and your dear little ones, dear. I would let your OB Dr. know about all this, for sure.....
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Originally Posted by teddy123 
Thank you both - I can't tell any family or friends or else there "will be consequences" if he gets any suspicious phone calls or texts.
I won't be able to afford to take care of children without him, which is why I want to stay with him.
I'm going to try to go to an Al-anon meeting in the morning whether he comes back or not and not speak to him until I return and he apologizes.
Thanks again so much.
I won't be able to afford to take care of children without him, which is why I want to stay with him.
I'm going to try to go to an Al-anon meeting in the morning whether he comes back or not and not speak to him until I return and he apologizes.
Thanks again so much.
There is also a Friends and Family of alcoholics forum here you can check out. Warm hugs.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,491
You are in a situation of Domestic Abuse. It will not get better, but is likely to get worse. You do not have to live this way. There are resources worldwide to offer shelter and support to you. Please read the following definition of abuse and make use of the resources listed. You and your children deserve a safe place to live:
Domestic Abuse Defined
Tells you that you can never do anything right
Shows extreme jealousy of your friends and time spent away
Keeps you or discourages you from seeing friends or family members
Insults, demeans or shames you with put-downs
Controls every penny spent in the household
Takes your money or refuses to give you money for necessary expenses
Looks at you or acts in ways that scare you
Controls who you see, where you go, or what you do
Prevents you from making your own decisions
Tells you that you are a bad parent or threatens to harm or take away your children
Prevents you from working or attending school
Destroys your property or threatens to hurt or kill your pets
Intimidates you with guns, knives or other weapons
Pressures you to have sex when you don’t want to or do things sexually you’re not comfortable with
Pressures you to use drugs or alcohol
Abuse Defined ? The National Domestic Violence Hotline
International Directory of Domestic Violence Agencies
Abuse information and support for every woman and every girl on Earth
Home « HotPeachPages International
National Domestic Abuse Hotline (US)
The National Domestic Violence Hotline ? The Hotline
Canada
Canada: domestic violence information « HotPeachPages International
UK: call Women’s Aid at 0808 2000 247.
https://www.qld.gov.au/community/get...-getting-help/
call 1800RESPECT at 1800 737 732.
Worldwide: visit International Directory of Domestic Violence Agencies for a global list of helplines and crisis center
Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network
800-655-Hope
Domestic Abuse Defined
Tells you that you can never do anything right
Shows extreme jealousy of your friends and time spent away
Keeps you or discourages you from seeing friends or family members
Insults, demeans or shames you with put-downs
Controls every penny spent in the household
Takes your money or refuses to give you money for necessary expenses
Looks at you or acts in ways that scare you
Controls who you see, where you go, or what you do
Prevents you from making your own decisions
Tells you that you are a bad parent or threatens to harm or take away your children
Prevents you from working or attending school
Destroys your property or threatens to hurt or kill your pets
Intimidates you with guns, knives or other weapons
Pressures you to have sex when you don’t want to or do things sexually you’re not comfortable with
Pressures you to use drugs or alcohol
Abuse Defined ? The National Domestic Violence Hotline
International Directory of Domestic Violence Agencies
Abuse information and support for every woman and every girl on Earth
Home « HotPeachPages International
National Domestic Abuse Hotline (US)
The National Domestic Violence Hotline ? The Hotline
Canada
Canada: domestic violence information « HotPeachPages International
UK: call Women’s Aid at 0808 2000 247.
https://www.qld.gov.au/community/get...-getting-help/
call 1800RESPECT at 1800 737 732.
Worldwide: visit International Directory of Domestic Violence Agencies for a global list of helplines and crisis center
Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network
800-655-Hope
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,416
Teddy I strongly agree with Anna - this is abuse.
keeping you down in an atmosphere of fear and anger and hostility is not good for you or your baby.
Financial considerations are important, sure - but in my opinion they're not as important as feeling safe secure and unafraid.
I know leaving seems like a huge step but I hope you'll think about it.
I hope you'll make decisions based on your well being.
D
keeping you down in an atmosphere of fear and anger and hostility is not good for you or your baby.
Financial considerations are important, sure - but in my opinion they're not as important as feeling safe secure and unafraid.
I know leaving seems like a huge step but I hope you'll think about it.
I hope you'll make decisions based on your well being.
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 3
Thank you all - it only got worse today as he went to a bar while I was away at the meeting. I couldn't believe it. I've never seen him actually drinking. He threatened both my and his life if I told his family.
I'm going to figure out another place to live / go. I'm if I tell his family he will hurt himself more and probably me. You are all right.
-k
I'm going to figure out another place to live / go. I'm if I tell his family he will hurt himself more and probably me. You are all right.
-k
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,491
Please take care of yourself. Take his threats very seriously. Contact the police so you have documentation of his threats. Please take him seriously.
If you need help finding a shelter, just let me know and I will help in any way I can. You need a stress-free life so you can have a healthy pregnancy and prepare to look after your new babies.
If you need help finding a shelter, just let me know and I will help in any way I can. You need a stress-free life so you can have a healthy pregnancy and prepare to look after your new babies.
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