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Old 12-01-2017, 06:16 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Broken hearted


Iím not exactly sure what Iím looking for. Maybe validation that things will go ďback to normalĒ. My boyfriend and I have been together 2 years. I met him after my divorce with my ex husband and we quickly attached to each other. He has been my rock. We have a new baby together, a wonderful home, and weíre so in love. Iíve suspected he drinks but never had the proof. We would socially drink, but sometimes he would come home from work smelling like rubbing alcohol. When I would bring it up (as Iíve been asking for the last year and a half), he would make me feel terrible and like I was crazy for asking. To make a long story short, yesterday I found 5 empty pints of vodka in his truck that he tried to hide. I confronted him. My aunt hosts AA meetings and told me to tell him to go. That night. He came home from work and I sat him down and gave him the ultimatum. I canít raise my kids around this. I want to support him and be there, but now I feel like everything heís told me has been a lie. He was able to look me directly in the eye and make ME feel like the crazy one. My heart is broken in so many pieces. I donít feel the same. I feel numb. I feel like Iím getting myself back into another bad relationship. Iím on a divorce support thread, and I see so many posts daily that explain that they left their ex husbands, found an amazing man, found out he was an alcoholic or drug user and now theyíre back to square one. Iím terrified. I donít know what to do. When I look at him I feel nothing. Will this ever go away? Iím so sorry if Iíve offended anyone. I canít stop crying and my head is pounding. I love him, but after my divorce I learned to always love myself first and I promised Iíd never lead myself to a situation that could end the way it did before.
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Old 12-01-2017, 06:29 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Hi, Holly.
Welcome to SR.
You will find a lot of support here.
Addiction is heartbreaking.
Good luck and good thoughts.
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Old 12-01-2017, 09:56 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Iím not exactly sure what Iím looking for. Maybe validation that things will go ďback to normalĒ. My boyfriend and I have been together 2 years. I met him after my divorce with my ex husband and we quickly attached to each other. He has been my rock. We have a new baby together, a wonderful home, and weíre so in love. Iíve suspected he drinks but never had the proof. We would socially drink, but sometimes he would come home from work smelling like rubbing alcohol. When I would bring it up (as Iíve been asking for the last year and a half), he would make me feel terrible and like I was crazy for asking. To make a long story short, yesterday I found 5 empty pints of vodka in his truck that he tried to hide. I confronted him. My aunt hosts AA meetings and told me to tell him to go. That night. He came home from work and I sat him down and gave him the ultimatum. I canít raise my kids around this. I want to support him and be there, but now I feel like everything heís told me has been a lie. He was able to look me directly in the eye and make ME feel like the crazy one. My heart is broken in so many pieces. I donít feel the same. I feel numb. I feel like Iím getting myself back into another bad relationship. Iím on a divorce support thread, and I see so many posts daily that explain that they left their ex husbands, found an amazing man, found out he was an alcoholic or drug user and now theyíre back to square one. Iím terrified. I donít know what to do. When I look at him I feel nothing. Will this ever go away? Iím so sorry if Iíve offended anyone. I canít stop crying and my head is pounding. I love him, but after my divorce I learned to always love myself first and I promised Iíd never lead myself to a situation that could end the way it did before.

If you suspected for years that he drank and "never had proof" is it possible that he may not be an alcoholic like us?
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Old 12-01-2017, 10:33 AM   #4 (permalink)
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If you suspected for years that he drank and "never had proof" is it possible that he may not be an alcoholic like us?
Well I just have to say I donít think normies hide alcohol. I was good at hiding it for years too. Iím sure my husband would say he suspected for years to before he started finding my hidden bottles.
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Old 12-01-2017, 11:05 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Welcome and I'm sorry for your situation.

Hiding bottles and drinking is definitely a sign of alcoholism. It sounds like he is in total denial, so there is not much you can do to change that. He will need to make the choice to seek help. I caution you about making ultimatums, unless you are certain you will follow through.

You might like to check out AlAnon as a support for yourself.
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Old 12-01-2017, 11:15 AM   #6 (permalink)
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He was able to look me directly in the eye and make ME feel like the crazy one.
That's called gaslighting. Gaslighting is a form of manipulation that seeks to sow seeds of doubt in another person's mind. You aren't crazy. But staying with him may surely drive you crazy. Please see our forum for friends and loved ones of alcoholics. Lots of people who have been right where you are now.

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
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Old 12-01-2017, 01:34 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Welcome to SR Holly, and I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through.

This is a great place for you to get the perspectives of alcoholics that have accepted they are alcoholics and don't put the blame on others. We acknowledge all the mistakes we've made and want to learn from them to be better parents, husbands, wives, brothers, sisters, sons, daughters, all the titles we hold.

First of all,

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I’m so sorry if I’ve offended anyone.
We as recovering alcoholics are our own worst critics. We have put those we love through a lot and are in various stages of coping with that guilt. You won't offend us, and you deserve to be open and honest with how you feel about your situation.

We alcoholics can be a savage and manipulative beast. Do NOT give in to his games, you are NOT crazy, or at fault, or in the wrong. You are doing everything you should be doing for your protection and sanity. It is hard because the veil is being pulled up and you are seeing him for what he really is. Alcoholics hide their alcohol.

Unfortunately, you are going to be hurting, whether it's with him or without him. Do yourself a favor, and hurt without him. If he's willing to get help, great. But if he isn't ready, you need to take a step away because it will only get worse.

You've promised yourself to always put yourself and your children first. This will be a real test of your conviction to yourself and them. Don't let your emotional feelings overcome your rational ones. You know what needs to be done, but it's hard to do it. Use your resources, your Aunt sounds like a wonderful support for you.

Good luck, and please be safe. Stick around and keep us updated.
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Old 12-01-2017, 03:02 PM   #8 (permalink)
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If you suspected for years that he drank and "never had proof" is it possible that he may not be an alcoholic like us?
Iím not exactly sure what youíre asking. ďLike usĒ? You donít call downing pints of vodka everyday after you get in your car to come home from work an alcoholic? Not saying that in a smart way at all, itís a legit question. For insight, my ďnever had proofĒ was not finding any bottles, or when I say heíd smell like rubbing alcohol he would use the excuse ďi donít know why? I had gum?Ē. He is a HFA, he can work, carry a conversation, drive (apparently) and go on about his daily routine while drinking.
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Old 12-01-2017, 03:06 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Welcome to SR Holly, and I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through.

This is a great place for you to get the perspectives of alcoholics that have accepted they are alcoholics and don't put the blame on others. We acknowledge all the mistakes we've made and want to learn from them to be better parents, husbands, wives, brothers, sisters, sons, daughters, all the titles we hold.

First of all,



We as recovering alcoholics are our own worst critics. We have put those we love through a lot and are in various stages of coping with that guilt. You won't offend us, and you deserve to be open and honest with how you feel about your situation.

We alcoholics can be a savage and manipulative beast. Do NOT give in to his games, you are NOT crazy, or at fault, or in the wrong. You are doing everything you should be doing for your protection and sanity. It is hard because the veil is being pulled up and you are seeing him for what he really is. Alcoholics hide their alcohol.

Unfortunately, you are going to be hurting, whether it's with him or without him. Do yourself a favor, and hurt without him. If he's willing to get help, great. But if he isn't ready, you need to take a step away because it will only get worse.

You've promised yourself to always put yourself and your children first. This will be a real test of your conviction to yourself and them. Don't let your emotional feelings overcome your rational ones. You know what needs to be done, but it's hard to do it. Use your resources, your Aunt sounds like a wonderful support for you.

Good luck, and please be safe. Stick around and keep us updated.



Thank you so much. He has told me that because Iím not working at the moment and staying home with baby that he felt the need to ease his tension and would sometimes drink. I liked how he used the word ďsometimesĒ. He has told me he wants to help himself. However last night he said while he was at the AA meting, everyone had a horrible story as to why they chose alcohol, and he couldnít relate. I still donít think he sees himself as an alcoholic. One day at a time.
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Old 12-01-2017, 03:11 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Iím not exactly sure what youíre asking. ďLike usĒ? You donít call downing pints of vodka everyday after you get in your car to come home from work an alcoholic? Not saying that in a smart way at all, itís a legit question. For insight, my ďnever had proofĒ was not finding any bottles, or when I say heíd smell like rubbing alcohol he would use the excuse ďi donít know why? I had gum?Ē. He is a HFA, he can work, carry a conversation, drive (apparently) and go on about his daily routine while drinking.
Iím an alcoholic I wake up 630 in the morning shower take care of my kids and feed animals help my husband out on the farm cook dinner keep a clean house laundry dishes I do everything and I drink bottles of wine or pints of vodka Iím a high functioning alcoholic a lot of family would be shocked if they new how much I drink unfortunately I know that nobody will change me Iím gonna have to do it myself have you had a heart to heart conversation I hope for the best for you
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Old 12-01-2017, 03:17 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Thank you so much. He has told me that because Iím not working at the moment and staying home with baby that he felt the need to ease his tension and would sometimes drink. I liked how he used the word ďsometimesĒ. He has told me he wants to help himself. However last night he said while he was at the AA meting, everyone had a horrible story as to why they chose alcohol, and he couldnít relate. I still donít think he sees himself as an alcoholic. One day at a time.
Oh it all looks and sounds so familiar. The blaming of others, the understating and minimizing, the "I'm different/better then these people." It doesn't sound to me like he's ready. If he can't see he's pushing his family away because of the drinking, he isn't ready.
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Old 12-01-2017, 04:40 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Iím not exactly sure what youíre asking. ďLike usĒ? You donít call downing pints of vodka everyday after you get in your car to come home from work an alcoholic? Not saying that in a smart way at all, itís a legit question. For insight, my ďnever had proofĒ was not finding any bottles, or when I say heíd smell like rubbing alcohol he would use the excuse ďi donít know why? I had gum?Ē. He is a HFA, he can work, carry a conversation, drive (apparently) and go on about his daily routine while drinking.
I guess I was thinking he might have wanted to keep any drinking under wraps out of consideration for his alcoholic SO. I suppose that may not be sound reasoning but divorce and fracturing a family unit is a big decision that permanently alters the path of everyone involved. I suppose by ďnever had proofĒ
I was considering more like physical/emotional abuse, dui, missing work as solid proof before pulling the trigger. Yes, I understand there are HFA as I was one for years.
My heart goes out to that whole family and hope that they ultimately find peace and happiness❤️
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Old 12-02-2017, 12:56 AM   #13 (permalink)
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I'm sorry for what brings you here Holly but I know you'll find a lot of support and understanding.

Welcome

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