Broken hearted
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 3
Broken hearted
I’m not exactly sure what I’m looking for. Maybe validation that things will go “back to normal”. My boyfriend and I have been together 2 years. I met him after my divorce with my ex husband and we quickly attached to each other. He has been my rock. We have a new baby together, a wonderful home, and we’re so in love. I’ve suspected he drinks but never had the proof. We would socially drink, but sometimes he would come home from work smelling like rubbing alcohol. When I would bring it up (as I’ve been asking for the last year and a half), he would make me feel terrible and like I was crazy for asking. To make a long story short, yesterday I found 5 empty pints of vodka in his truck that he tried to hide. I confronted him. My aunt hosts AA meetings and told me to tell him to go. That night. He came home from work and I sat him down and gave him the ultimatum. I can’t raise my kids around this. I want to support him and be there, but now I feel like everything he’s told me has been a lie. He was able to look me directly in the eye and make ME feel like the crazy one. My heart is broken in so many pieces. I don’t feel the same. I feel numb. I feel like I’m getting myself back into another bad relationship. I’m on a divorce support thread, and I see so many posts daily that explain that they left their ex husbands, found an amazing man, found out he was an alcoholic or drug user and now they’re back to square one. I’m terrified. I don’t know what to do. When I look at him I feel nothing. Will this ever go away? I’m so sorry if I’ve offended anyone. I can’t stop crying and my head is pounding. I love him, but after my divorce I learned to always love myself first and I promised I’d never lead myself to a situation that could end the way it did before.
Boxer
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Tampa, Florida
Posts: 151
Originally Posted by Holly5690 
I’m not exactly sure what I’m looking for. Maybe validation that things will go “back to normal”. My boyfriend and I have been together 2 years. I met him after my divorce with my ex husband and we quickly attached to each other. He has been my rock. We have a new baby together, a wonderful home, and we’re so in love. I’ve suspected he drinks but never had the proof. We would socially drink, but sometimes he would come home from work smelling like rubbing alcohol. When I would bring it up (as I’ve been asking for the last year and a half), he would make me feel terrible and like I was crazy for asking. To make a long story short, yesterday I found 5 empty pints of vodka in his truck that he tried to hide. I confronted him. My aunt hosts AA meetings and told me to tell him to go. That night. He came home from work and I sat him down and gave him the ultimatum. I can’t raise my kids around this. I want to support him and be there, but now I feel like everything he’s told me has been a lie. He was able to look me directly in the eye and make ME feel like the crazy one. My heart is broken in so many pieces. I don’t feel the same. I feel numb. I feel like I’m getting myself back into another bad relationship. I’m on a divorce support thread, and I see so many posts daily that explain that they left their ex husbands, found an amazing man, found out he was an alcoholic or drug user and now they’re back to square one. I’m terrified. I don’t know what to do. When I look at him I feel nothing. Will this ever go away? I’m so sorry if I’ve offended anyone. I can’t stop crying and my head is pounding. I love him, but after my divorce I learned to always love myself first and I promised I’d never lead myself to a situation that could end the way it did before.
If you suspected for years that he drank and "never had proof" is it possible that he may not be an alcoholic like us?
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,479
Originally Posted by Boxer1
If you suspected for years that he drank and "never had proof" is it possible that he may not be an alcoholic like us?
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,469
Welcome and I'm sorry for your situation.
Hiding bottles and drinking is definitely a sign of alcoholism. It sounds like he is in total denial, so there is not much you can do to change that. He will need to make the choice to seek help. I caution you about making ultimatums, unless you are certain you will follow through.
You might like to check out AlAnon as a support for yourself.
Hiding bottles and drinking is definitely a sign of alcoholism. It sounds like he is in total denial, so there is not much you can do to change that. He will need to make the choice to seek help. I caution you about making ultimatums, unless you are certain you will follow through.
You might like to check out AlAnon as a support for yourself.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by Holly5690
He was able to look me directly in the eye and make ME feel like the crazy one.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
Member
Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 421
Welcome to SR Holly, and I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through.
This is a great place for you to get the perspectives of alcoholics that have accepted they are alcoholics and don't put the blame on others. We acknowledge all the mistakes we've made and want to learn from them to be better parents, husbands, wives, brothers, sisters, sons, daughters, all the titles we hold.
First of all,
We as recovering alcoholics are our own worst critics. We have put those we love through a lot and are in various stages of coping with that guilt. You won't offend us, and you deserve to be open and honest with how you feel about your situation.
We alcoholics can be a savage and manipulative beast. Do NOT give in to his games, you are NOT crazy, or at fault, or in the wrong. You are doing everything you should be doing for your protection and sanity. It is hard because the veil is being pulled up and you are seeing him for what he really is. Alcoholics hide their alcohol.
Unfortunately, you are going to be hurting, whether it's with him or without him. Do yourself a favor, and hurt without him. If he's willing to get help, great. But if he isn't ready, you need to take a step away because it will only get worse.
You've promised yourself to always put yourself and your children first. This will be a real test of your conviction to yourself and them. Don't let your emotional feelings overcome your rational ones. You know what needs to be done, but it's hard to do it. Use your resources, your Aunt sounds like a wonderful support for you.
Good luck, and please be safe. Stick around and keep us updated.
This is a great place for you to get the perspectives of alcoholics that have accepted they are alcoholics and don't put the blame on others. We acknowledge all the mistakes we've made and want to learn from them to be better parents, husbands, wives, brothers, sisters, sons, daughters, all the titles we hold.
First of all,
Originally Posted by Holly5690
I’m so sorry if I’ve offended anyone.
We alcoholics can be a savage and manipulative beast. Do NOT give in to his games, you are NOT crazy, or at fault, or in the wrong. You are doing everything you should be doing for your protection and sanity. It is hard because the veil is being pulled up and you are seeing him for what he really is. Alcoholics hide their alcohol.
Unfortunately, you are going to be hurting, whether it's with him or without him. Do yourself a favor, and hurt without him. If he's willing to get help, great. But if he isn't ready, you need to take a step away because it will only get worse.
You've promised yourself to always put yourself and your children first. This will be a real test of your conviction to yourself and them. Don't let your emotional feelings overcome your rational ones. You know what needs to be done, but it's hard to do it. Use your resources, your Aunt sounds like a wonderful support for you.
Good luck, and please be safe. Stick around and keep us updated.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 3
Originally Posted by Boxer1
If you suspected for years that he drank and "never had proof" is it possible that he may not be an alcoholic like us?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 3
Originally Posted by SaturatedSeize
Welcome to SR Holly, and I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through.
This is a great place for you to get the perspectives of alcoholics that have accepted they are alcoholics and don't put the blame on others. We acknowledge all the mistakes we've made and want to learn from them to be better parents, husbands, wives, brothers, sisters, sons, daughters, all the titles we hold.
First of all,
We as recovering alcoholics are our own worst critics. We have put those we love through a lot and are in various stages of coping with that guilt. You won't offend us, and you deserve to be open and honest with how you feel about your situation.
We alcoholics can be a savage and manipulative beast. Do NOT give in to his games, you are NOT crazy, or at fault, or in the wrong. You are doing everything you should be doing for your protection and sanity. It is hard because the veil is being pulled up and you are seeing him for what he really is. Alcoholics hide their alcohol.
Unfortunately, you are going to be hurting, whether it's with him or without him. Do yourself a favor, and hurt without him. If he's willing to get help, great. But if he isn't ready, you need to take a step away because it will only get worse.
You've promised yourself to always put yourself and your children first. This will be a real test of your conviction to yourself and them. Don't let your emotional feelings overcome your rational ones. You know what needs to be done, but it's hard to do it. Use your resources, your Aunt sounds like a wonderful support for you.
Good luck, and please be safe. Stick around and keep us updated.
This is a great place for you to get the perspectives of alcoholics that have accepted they are alcoholics and don't put the blame on others. We acknowledge all the mistakes we've made and want to learn from them to be better parents, husbands, wives, brothers, sisters, sons, daughters, all the titles we hold.
First of all,
We as recovering alcoholics are our own worst critics. We have put those we love through a lot and are in various stages of coping with that guilt. You won't offend us, and you deserve to be open and honest with how you feel about your situation.
We alcoholics can be a savage and manipulative beast. Do NOT give in to his games, you are NOT crazy, or at fault, or in the wrong. You are doing everything you should be doing for your protection and sanity. It is hard because the veil is being pulled up and you are seeing him for what he really is. Alcoholics hide their alcohol.
Unfortunately, you are going to be hurting, whether it's with him or without him. Do yourself a favor, and hurt without him. If he's willing to get help, great. But if he isn't ready, you need to take a step away because it will only get worse.
You've promised yourself to always put yourself and your children first. This will be a real test of your conviction to yourself and them. Don't let your emotional feelings overcome your rational ones. You know what needs to be done, but it's hard to do it. Use your resources, your Aunt sounds like a wonderful support for you.
Good luck, and please be safe. Stick around and keep us updated.
Thank you so much. He has told me that because I’m not working at the moment and staying home with baby that he felt the need to ease his tension and would sometimes drink. I liked how he used the word “sometimes”. He has told me he wants to help himself. However last night he said while he was at the AA meting, everyone had a horrible story as to why they chose alcohol, and he couldn’t relate. I still don’t think he sees himself as an alcoholic. One day at a time.
Guest
Join Date: Nov 2017
Location: Indiana
Posts: 105
Originally Posted by Holly5690
I’m not exactly sure what you’re asking. “Like us”? You don’t call downing pints of vodka everyday after you get in your car to come home from work an alcoholic? Not saying that in a smart way at all, it’s a legit question. For insight, my “never had proof” was not finding any bottles, or when I say he’d smell like rubbing alcohol he would use the excuse “i don’t know why? I had gum?”. He is a HFA, he can work, carry a conversation, drive (apparently) and go on about his daily routine while drinking.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 421
Originally Posted by Holly5690
Thank you so much. He has told me that because I’m not working at the moment and staying home with baby that he felt the need to ease his tension and would sometimes drink. I liked how he used the word “sometimes”. He has told me he wants to help himself. However last night he said while he was at the AA meting, everyone had a horrible story as to why they chose alcohol, and he couldn’t relate. I still don’t think he sees himself as an alcoholic. One day at a time.
Boxer
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Tampa, Florida
Posts: 151
Originally Posted by Holly5690
I’m not exactly sure what you’re asking. “Like us”? You don’t call downing pints of vodka everyday after you get in your car to come home from work an alcoholic? Not saying that in a smart way at all, it’s a legit question. For insight, my “never had proof” was not finding any bottles, or when I say he’d smell like rubbing alcohol he would use the excuse “i don’t know why? I had gum?”. He is a HFA, he can work, carry a conversation, drive (apparently) and go on about his daily routine while drinking.
I was considering more like physical/emotional abuse, dui, missing work as solid proof before pulling the trigger. Yes, I understand there are HFA as I was one for years.
My heart goes out to that whole family and hope that they ultimately find peace and happiness❤️
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