Dee74

This is the newcomers forum....
It's meant to be a welcome, safe, nurturing place.

Lately I've been dismayed by the responses some brand new members are getting - sometimes it's like smackdown city out there.

I remember what it was like for me when I first came here - I was scared, I was skittish, and I was downplaying my problems like mad and acting ultra-cool.

I'm really glad the people who responded to me realised all that and didn't smack me into next week.

Straight talking is great but I think you can get some empathy and compassion in there too.

if we drive people away, are we really helping?

^ [This is a repost but it's still relevant. Not directed at any one poster ]

Dee
Moderator
SR

Delilah1

I completely agree. I know that when I first joined, and when I came back after relapsing I needed kindness and support. When I received harsh or unkind comments even if they were meant to scare me into sobriety, it did the opposite, it made me want to stay away from SR.

We have the wonderful opportunity to make a difference in the life of someone struggling each day.

If you are feeling frustrated because someone is posting that they are back to Day One again, just move on to a different post.

Let's all support each other!!!

To all of you who have been my cheerleaders on SR, thank you. It is because of your support that I am getting close to 22 months sober.

Cuckoo

I agree. I have seen some quite harsh posts that, as a fairly newbie here, scared me a bit.
I certainly dont want negative comments when I am already feeling pretty negative thank you very much !! C

joandmelandhan

Thank you Dee!
I'm lucky to have a few safe havens on SR to go to when things are tough but sometimes starting an actual thread can be a bit of a heart-in-mouth experience even for this old timer!
I remember joining SR in April 2016 in absolute desparation. I was a broken woman. I had no idea whether I would get a reply or not. Just knowing another human being cared enough to say hi and welcome made my day. Finding this community saved my life. Simple as that. But I will never forget the state I was in and a few kind words of encouragement go a long way.
The written word can be harsh and can't be taken back so I'm grateful you've put this out as a reminder xxx

Anna

Thanks for the reminder Dee. "Respect is Essential".

joandmelandhan

joandmelandhan

This thread is very important to me right now. I am absolutely committed to SR and it has become a part of my life in general but sheesh......all I just wanted to say tonight is this. I understand that people are very proud and protective of their recovery. Of course! Shout it from the hilltop! But sometimes I think it's easy to forget those early days. How utterly hopeless we were. And if one of those seemingly hopeless desperate people finds us and feels in any way belittled or.......oh I don't know......."attacked" in some way where do they go? What do they do?
*shudder*

JScatt

I'm glad this thread was bumped because I have been meaning to apologize for my "Chronic relapsers on SR" thread I started a while back. It was a thread started on frustration and not truly understanding that we "don't shoot our wounded".
I especially want to apologize to Dee who I snapped at in a reply in that thread.
This truly is a great place and have have learned so much about sobriety is way more than just not drinking.

MelSober

Dee I know that I felt especially grateful for your kindness towards me and also other members when I first joined. I think people with addiction problems have probably had a whole lifetime already of "straight talk" "tell it like it is" people and very little compassion. That sort of thing doesn't really help unless the person is asking for it and even then it should be delivered with care and tact. People going through hell don't need a hot cup of "you NEED to..." for sure! This site is the best. I love that no matter how many times some of us fall there is always someone to let them know someone cares. We all suffer from the human condition after all.

Dee74

Not a problem, Jscatt - but thanks - and thanks for the bump guys

D

BixBees505

Excellent reminder. Thx.

Meraviglioso

"tough love" is one thing, just being unkind is another. Everyone's path is different and even if someone is not 100% serious about getting sober, they are still here posting on SR for a reason. If someone is truly obnoxious the mods take care of things by way of banning them. Otherwise if they are simply floundering they are generally welcome to stay. If someone is really getting on your nerves because they just don't get it, why not use the ignore button instead of commenting something that is not only not helpful, but could potentially be harmful to their efforts at recovery?

AAPJ

JScatt - I think your thread was a terrific subject/question and the responses it received were most helpful to me. I think you should get an award for starting the thread. Apology? Not necessary at all.

If people here think this forum gets too rough and unwelcoming then you should certainly avoid the old timers at some of the AA meetings I attend. In my personal view being too nice and overly positive has problems too. Do you want a Stepford Wives forum? Also, in my experience when someone does step out of line so to speak there are plenty of folks who usually add something positive to the thread.

If you are new to this forum and are reading this thread please understand that most folks who post here do want you to recover. We are not perfect. But neither was your life before you arrived here. In fact I would guess that compared to what your life was before you got here a somewhat negative comment from someone on an internet message board is the least of your problems.

Finally, do keep coming back. The worst we can do is better than your old life. Trust me I know. We understand the struggle as no normal person can.

SoulShine8

MelSober I agree - great post! I don't know what I would do without this place. Or what I would do if people weren't so good here, always willing to lend an ear and give support.

SportsFan15

For newcomers, I would stick to a 95 to 5 rule.

95% of comments be compassionate and empathic

5% direct, blunt truth that's respectfully spoken (Dee is skilled at this. I am not.)

We newcomers are infants in sobriety....gotta err on the side of being tender with us.


Also remember this is written communication and the reader's perception is 7% content (words that are said or typed) and 93% body language, tone of voice, gesture, etc. The 93% that is lost without face to face, voice, or video communication? Yup, we newcomers are left to make our own conclusions.....and it likely comes across worse than intended by the writer.

hpdw

Thanks for the reminder Dee .

I would agree with sportsfan15 and add that us addictive types don't handle rejection well especially in early recovery .

I have some rules I use before I hit the send button , if I feel angry, resentful , annoyed , too tired , I don't send . I have typed out many replies only to delete and move on because it didn't feel right .

Dee74

Me too

D

saoutchik

Good reminder this. I had noticed one or two replies that I thought a bit harsh for someone new (not many but still...). We don't join SR because we are doing everthing right, positive encouragement to change is always better than exhortations to do better.

JudicatorPanzer

First seeking help or coming back after a relapse is one of the hardest things to do. I've been both places. I can't tell them everything will be okay but I can tell them there is real, proven hope and people can recover.