Old friends/drinking buddies...
 

So my husband spend a lot of time with another couple on the weekends....always drinking. They usually come over to our house and bring MANY bottles of wine. Well since I decided to stop drinking (only 10 days ago) We haven’t seen them.

But....earlier today my husband told me he spoke to them and they might come over this weekend to “hang out” (drink). I would love to say that I can have them over and just not drink but I just don’t think I’m far enough in my sobriety to be around all of that . The temptation is just too much for me this early on.

But we have literally never hung out with them and not gotten drunk. And I really don’t think they would even come over if we weren’t going to be drinking with them. They’re not really the type of people who would be understanding of me no longer drinking. And they don’t even know I’ve stopped.

I really don’t know how to handle this situation.

Jek, I can totally empathize with you on this one! I often find it harder dealing with other people's opinion of my not drinking, then the fact I'm actually not drinking... You are still very early in this, and maybe your husband can cancel this time. Or perhaps you can let him hang out with them while you visit a friend, or go to a movie. If neither of these are an option, maybe just say you are not feeling all that great when they are there. That would give you a pass on drinking, and allow you to duck out early if it gets really boring watching them get loaded. Whatever you do, do not drink....Good luck!

Hi, Jek.
Welcome.
I really needed to keep myself away from potential drinking situations when I was in early sobriety.
I attended a wedding—daughter of friends—and, in retrospect, I wish I had passed on it.
I didn’t t drink, but was plenty miserable.
I gather your spouse is still drinking? Is he supportive of your decision, or is he waiting for you to come back around?
Could be time for a conversation with him, if you haven’t had one, about your resolve to not drink, and how these visiting, drinking friends could compromise it.
You should guard your sobriety.
It’s hard won.

Jen, this is the tough part of early recovery. This is the time when you have to make decisions that might change your lifestyle. Have you told your husband how you feel about this couple coming over to visit? If your husband wants to spend time with the couple and drink, maybe you could consider going out and doing something else? The fact that you say these people would not likely come over if you weren't drinking says a lot. This is a time to bring people into your life who will support you and lift you up, people who want to spend time with you.

Cancel cancel cancel..

Thank you for the response. My husband is still drinking which makes things a bit harder for me, but I am still adamant on my decision to stop drinking. I have talked to him about my decision to be sober and while he supports it, he doesn’t seem to take it as seriously as I am. He feels that I don’t have a “drinking problem” because I don’t fit the criteria of what he sees in his mind as an “alcoholic”. I know I have a problem when I drink and whether he agrees or not, I am well aware that the best thing for me is to be sober.

Thank you for taking the time to respond. What you said about these people not wanting to come over if I’m not going to be drinking with them...as I was writing that, I kind of cringed a little bit. It really made me think about the people I have in my life and whether or not they’re good for me mentally. Maybe sobriety will make me rethink many things, but the people I surround myself with might not be the best thing for my recovery. Lately I’ve been noticing a lot of the “friendships” I have revolve around alcohol. I don’t even know if I would like some of them sober or if we had anything more than drinking in common. Sobriety is becoming more than I ever imagined it would.

Cancelling would definitely take away this incredible anxiety I’m having over all of this. Thank you 🙏🏼

More will be revealed in time, Jek.
Your true friends will accept your decision and support you.
Drinking friends will fall away.
Don’t despair. New friends await.

I agree that you shouldn't have to be around "friends" who are only there to drink. Cancel the meeting and tell your hubby that you want to be sober more than anything and you hope he'll support you. :)

Yes!! It's about everything in your life. :)

This has proven true in my case. Add family, some accept, some perhaps to be avoided. I don't say anything and just attend and carry ice water. I find people absolutely respect my decision not to drink and are often compelled to tell me about their own habits for better or worse. No judgement here.

Ditto! I've cancelled, (or said no up front), MANY times because others would be drinking. I'm finally practicing good self care by not putting myself in those situations. It will take so much pressure off you!

Cancel. Give them a hard 'no.' All relationships can be (and should be) renegotiated at any time. Either these people accept that there will be no more drinking at your house from now on, or cut them out of your life.

Maybe they could host and your husband can go drink there while you do something else sober. I think it's pretty important to have your home as a safe place for you rather than full of drunk people.

My partner also continued to drink. Me getting sober initially caused a few sulks and arguments. He was scared I would leave him, and missed us drinking together. He now sees the benefit of me not drinking though, for the most part.

I did not lose friends as such, but drifted in a different direction. A few of them did turn out to be less depend on alcohol for a good time, and we've had days out, and meals etc. Most are just still doing what the used to do and I leave them to it. Meanwhile I've made a lot of new friends who I'd never have met if I was still drinking. Some ladies from AA who I'm close to. Some from church. Others from various clubs I joined sober. It's worth looking at what opportunities are available in your area, because those opportunities don't come looking for us. And isolating in early sobriety really isn't a good thing as it can bring on a lot of self-pity (poor me, poor me, pour me a drink!!)

It's worth getting a simple plan for recovery together - even if that plan is just way to avoid and deal with HALT triggers initially. HALT triggers are Hungry, Angry, Lonely and Tired. And boy, do they affect the quality of our sobriety!

Take care. And keep reading and posting. Like you said, sobriety is so much more than stopping drinking. I kind of knew that my drinking was out of hand, but it was only really when I stopped and took back the reins that I realised just how much importance I'd been giving to alcohol all those years, and how it had gradually made so many areas of my life unmanageable.

BB

I'm with the consensus here - cancel. Staying sober in the early days is hard enough without making it harder for yourself.

In time you'll be able to go anywhere and face anything and you'll want to stay sober.,..but easy does it while you grow those 'sober muscles' :)

D

In sobriety, I’ve stopped doing things and being with people that were primarily about drinking.

Though it meant letting go of some people and activities, it has served me very well and I learned that those people and activities really weren’t adding anything good to my life.

Thank you everyone 🙏🏼 You have all given me a lot more courage to say NO when it’s about my sobriety and the new lifestyle I so badly want. I think I’m going to cancel and not put myself in a situation that could derail everything I’ve been working really hard for. I am 11 days sober today and I’m proud of that and want to keep it going ❤️

There you go.

Good call on canceling.

I spend a lot of time around drinking and found I really needed to isolate myself from it in order to actually stay sober. I fell off after two months three times and those first two months are hell.

I'm in a unique situation in that I took my drinking to a professional level. I've worked in the bar industry my entire life and actually own a wine bar for my employment. There were times I simply had to endure and it was always awful. The entire time you just want to jump out of your own skin, it's simply an exercise in frustration.

Sitting there listening to people tell the same story in varying degrees laughing at it over and over again gets cringeworthy. You'll see drunk people in a different light and it's uncomfortable as you feel like you are punishing yourself.

Isolation was key to success for me in early sobriety and still now nearly 10 months into it.