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Leaving my alcoholic bf with children

Old 11-27-2017, 09:06 AM
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Leaving my alcoholic bf with children

Hi I am coming into this forum for a little bit of advice. I am a 29 year old mother of 5. I am currently pregnant and considering abortion because I don't know if I should bring another child into this toxic relationship. I have 3 children from a previous relationship and my last 2 are with my current partner I am pregnant by. He is a major alcoholic he has gave me a black eye when I was pregnant with my last child which is 2yrs old now. Also has knocked me out when I was pregnant with the same child. I did not leave which was dum I know. I honestly thought he would change. I had my last 2 kids 10months apart which made me have major post partum depression. By the time my youngest was 2 months I rounded up catching a case because my bf was drunk and very disrespectful and I had had enough of the abuse. I tried to run him over with my car and was arrested. I did 17 months of probation he stayed with me through all of it still drinking. I then began to regain my mental strength and went back to school when my youngest was 6 months I graduated this past July. During that time my bf went to school and graduated in September ( some days he didn't go and I would cover for him because he was drunk). We moved into a new place and I thought we were getting better. He still drank but acted as if he was slowing down, but hen I began to find liquor bottles around the house. I dealt with it and kicked him out for a day or two for him to sober up. He would come back and the routine would continue for nine months. NOW I have had enough I officially kicked him out ( it's been three weeks). But he showed up this weekend drunk my 6yr old opens the door without my knowledge ( of course he was excited to see him and unaware of our current situation). He stumbled in picks up the kids tell them he loves them. I ask him to leave he begins yelling I came to see my kids I can see my kids. I tell him when you sober up I'd be glad to bring them to you. He leaves and comes back a few hours later banging I don't open the door. A few hours later he does the same thing. I talk to him through the door asking him to stop or I'm calling the police. He then yells out saying he needs to see my stomach and make sure I didn't get a abortion. I was so hurt at the whole situation I sat in m room and cried. My children miss him alot I miss him as well. This relationship is so toxic I can't even fathom allowing him back into my home with my children. He texts me crazy things and leave me rude messages since he has been gone so I blocked him from calling or texting. He is supposed to come get all of his things soon, but it's so hard mentally preparing myself to see him walk out with everything. He threatens me with getting with another girl, it use to affect me but now I see he does it to get a reaction that I won't give him. This is so hard mentally. I just need reassurance I've made the right decision. I want to abort my child because of all of this but I can't bring myself to do it.
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Old 11-27-2017, 09:14 AM
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Do you have family you could go stay with for a while. Preferably a father, or biker uncle with loads of guns? This doesn't sound safe for you and your current children. As far as the abortion that's for you to decide,but I can clearly see why you're thinking about it. Just know the longer term,the more expensive. There is a time limit on when they can perform the procedure legally. I'd get a temporary protection order on this guy asap.
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Old 11-27-2017, 09:36 AM
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Please make use of the information below. You need to find a safe place for your children and yourself and the following agencies are equipped to do that:

Abuse Defined. The National Domestic Violence Hotline

International Directory of Domestic Violence Agencies

Abuse information and support for every woman and every girl on Earth
Home « HotPeachPages International

National Domestic Abuse Hotline (US)
The National Domestic Violence Hotline ? The Hotline

Canada
Canada: domestic violence information « HotPeachPages International

UK: call Women’s Aid at 0808 2000 247.
https://www.qld.gov.au/community/get...-getting-help/
call 1800RESPECT at 1800 737 732.

Worldwide: visit International Directory of Domestic Violence Agencies for a global list of helplines and crisis center
Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network
800-655-Hope
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Old 11-27-2017, 09:41 AM
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Thank you

Appreciate your comment. No I don't have family out here. And also I am considering moving out of state with my family. Thank you
Originally Posted by DontRemember View Post
Do you have family you could go stay with for a while. Preferably a father, or biker uncle with loads of guns? This doesn't sound safe for you and your current children. As far as the abortion that's for you to decide,but I can clearly see why you're thinking about it. Just know the longer term,the more expensive. There is a time limit on when they can perform the procedure legally. I'd get a temporary protection order on this guy asap.
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Old 11-27-2017, 09:44 AM
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No physical abuse in two years

I don't feel in fear of my life I don't believe he will try to harm me. It has been two years since he has ever put a hand on me. I appreciate the information though. [QUOTE=Anna;6687987]Please make use of the information below. You need to find a safe place for your children and yourself and the following agencies are equipped to do that:
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Old 11-27-2017, 09:50 AM
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From the link Abuse Defined, which explains abuse is not just physical:

Tells you that you can never do anything right
Shows extreme jealousy of your friends and time spent away
Keeps you or discourages you from seeing friends or family members
Insults, demeans or shames you with put-downs
Controls every penny spent in the household
Takes your money or refuses to give you money for necessary expenses
Looks at you or acts in ways that scare you
Controls who you see, where you go, or what you do
Prevents you from making your own decisions
Tells you that you are a bad parent or threatens to harm or take away your children
Prevents you from working or attending school
Destroys your property or threatens to hurt or kill your pets
Intimidates you with guns, knives or other weapons
Pressures you to have sex when you don’t want to or do things sexually you’re not comfortable with
Pressures you to use drugs or alcohol
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Old 11-27-2017, 09:58 AM
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Just read it Wow

I really didn't understand the layers of mess I was really in thanks soso much.
Thank you

Originally Posted by Anna View Post
From the link Abuse Defined, which explains abuse is not just physical:

Tells you that you can never do anything right
Shows extreme jealousy of your friends and time spent away
Keeps you or discourages you from seeing friends or family members
Insults, demeans or shames you with put-downs
Controls every penny spent in the household
Takes your money or refuses to give you money for necessary expenses
Looks at you or acts in ways that scare you
Controls who you see, where you go, or what you do
Prevents you from making your own decisions
Tells you that you are a bad parent or threatens to harm or take away your children
Prevents you from working or attending school
Destroys your property or threatens to hurt or kill your pets
Intimidates you with guns, knives or other weapons
Pressures you to have sex when you don’t want to or do things sexually you’re not comfortable with
Pressures you to use drugs or alcohol
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Old 11-27-2017, 11:50 AM
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Welcome to SR, NewChange. I am so very sorry for what brings you here.

Abuse, in any form, is never acceptable - not once, not ever.

I hope that you use the links that Anna provided.

You deserve to live a good life - free of your alcoholic and of abuse.

Sending prayers your way.
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Old 11-27-2017, 12:07 PM
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I am so sorry for what brings you here and yes, what a huge messy seem to be in. I cannot even imagine the pain, confusion and fear you must be feeling. The good news is it is possible to get your life back on track. I think that when in situations such as these you really have to take things step by step to not get so overwhelmed by everything that you just give up and go back to how things were.
First things first, even if you do not feel as though you are in immediate danger the truth is you are. Things could escalate very quickly and you MUST, given his past history, prepare yourself for the worst. Please check out some of the links Anna posted and get in with someone local who can help with situations of domestic violence. It doesn't matter that the last time he hit you was 2 years ago. The fact is there is a pattern of abuse and he is very angry right now- not a good combination. You, nor your children, deserve to live this way.
Next on the list is arranging for him to get his stuff out without much emotional of physical trouble of you. You say you don't have any family around. Do you have a friend that could come open the house for him, so you could be away while he comes to get his stuff? If not, contact the local domestic abuse places and I am sure they can arrange for someone- even the police- to come and open the house for him. I don't think it would be wise for you to be there alone or with the kids when he comes. Let's just say things go fine in that he doesn't lash out at you physically, there is still the emotional factor to consider. Despite the fact that he is abusive you sound very sad about this breakup (as is normal and you have every right to your feelings) thus, watching him move out is not going to be a pleasant experience for you. You have all the time in the world to mourn and be sad AFTER the move is completed. You can come home and find his stuff gone, lock the door and find a safe place to cry and let it out. But to have to go through this with him there does not sound wise or healthy for you.
I do hope you will also find a really good counsellor to help you through this. Surviving abuse is nothing to mess around with. Nor is postpartum depression. I suffered that myself and was astounded and the depths I fell.
Sending you so much support and care, please do check back in with us.
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Old 11-27-2017, 12:11 PM
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Originally Posted by Meraviglioso View Post
I am so sorry for what brings you here and yes, what a huge messy seem to be in. I cannot even imagine the pain, confusion and fear you must be feeling. The good news is it is possible to get your life back on track. I think that when in situations such as these you really have to take things step by step to not get so overwhelmed by everything that you just give up and go back to how things were.
First things first, even if you do not feel as though you are in immediate danger the truth is you are. Things could escalate very quickly and you MUST, given his past history, prepare yourself for the worst. Please check out some of the links Anna posted and get in with someone local who can help with situations of domestic violence. It doesn't matter that the last time he hit you was 2 years ago. The fact is there is a pattern of abuse and he is very angry right now- not a good combination. You, nor your children, deserve to live this way.
Next on the list is arranging for him to get his stuff out without much emotional of physical trouble of you. You say you don't have any family around. Do you have a friend that could come open the house for him, so you could be away while he comes to get his stuff? If not, contact the local domestic abuse places and I am sure they can arrange for someone- even the police- to come and open the house for him. I don't think it would be wise for you to be there alone or with the kids when he comes. Let's just say things go fine in that he doesn't lash out at you physically, there is still the emotional factor to consider. Despite the fact that he is abusive you sound very sad about this breakup (as is normal and you have every right to your feelings) thus, watching him move out is not going to be a pleasant experience for you. You have all the time in the world to mourn and be sad AFTER the move is completed. You can come home and find his stuff gone, lock the door and find a safe place to cry and let it out. But to have to go through this with him there does not sound wise or healthy for you.
I do hope you will also find a really good counsellor to help you through this. Surviving abuse is nothing to mess around with. Nor is postpartum depression. I suffered that myself and was astounded and the depths I fell.
Sending you so much support and care, please do check back in with us.
Very well said, Mera.
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Old 11-27-2017, 12:32 PM
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You should definitely run far away. Move to a shelter if you have to. But get out. this is not going to get any better.
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Old 11-27-2017, 08:51 PM
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Please use some of the resources provided.

I also agree with you--get an abortion as soon as possible. you don't need to bring another person into this mess.

Peace.
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Old 11-27-2017, 09:18 PM
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Thinking of you, NewChange.

Lifting prayers for you and your children.
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Old 11-27-2017, 09:30 PM
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Hi Newchange,

I am sorry you are going through all of this. The links Anna posted are great resources, please look into them.

You definitely need to find someplace safe for you and your kids to stay. Did you say you have family nearby? Also, please contact the police and get a restraining order. You should be able to get an emergency court order to stop any visitation with your children right now.

Are you seeing a doctor during your pregnancy? Make an appointment with them to talk about your feelings, and also see if they can refer you to s counselor to help you through this.

Please do not take this man back, he has proven that he is not safe for you or your kids to be around.

Please check in and let us know how you are doing.
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Old 11-28-2017, 07:27 PM
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Thinking of you, NewChange.
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Old 11-29-2017, 01:35 PM
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Thinking of you, NewChange.

Hope that you are okay.
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Old 11-30-2017, 12:41 PM
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Would love to hear from you, NewChange
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Old 12-07-2017, 01:56 PM
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Thinking of you, NewChange. Hope that you are okay.
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Old 12-12-2017, 11:53 AM
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Doing great

Hello sorry I haven't replied but I an doing well my ex is officially gone and moved all his things out. We have decided to go to court to see how we will go forward with him seeing the children. Also I did not get a abortion though I did make the appointment. I showed up and couldn't bring myself to do it. As of today I have been in Alnon classes every Tuesday. And I love it thank you guys for the support.
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Old 12-12-2017, 12:12 PM
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im so glad you are doing better. My opinion is that your relationship with this guy ...as you described it....is one that would have never gotten any better. Threats, manipulation....intimidation....pounding on your door and causing a scene.... you need to just move on. Any judge worth their legal salt would ban this man from seeing his children until such time comes that he has proven he has gone through and completed Residential Treatment in an alcohol in-patient treatment center and completed a probationary AA meeting program proving a certain determined length of sobriety. Leaving him was the right move. You need to take care of YOU and those precious children.
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