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Needing support from people who understand

Old 11-26-2017, 09:17 AM
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Needing support from people who understand

Good morning! I am a first timer posting but have been reading blogs for months. My STBXANH moved out on August 6th 2017. He sent me a txt telling me he left his keys and garage door opener on the table. Then completely cut me off as if I didn't exist. I have learned that I am codependent! I have been emotionally and verbally abused by a man that drinks whiskey and beer daily. Over the past year his drinking got worse and his involvement in household chores, participation in life in general as a husband and father came to a halt. It's been horrifying. I am thankful for the support of my in-laws! Yes that's right my in-laws. I have been beaten down so hard and am slowly getting back up. This Thanksgiving I saw him. He looked horrible. He was at his fathers on the phone with his grandmother. I heard him say..."I quit drinking" After he got off the phone he said he was leaving. I looked right at him and cheerfully wished him a happy Thanksgiving. He said it back from dead blood shot eyes not even looking at me but past me. He posted on fb the night before a beer and bottle of crown. No, I wasn't surprised. I have lost weight gotten lighter and brighter in my heart since he left. I don't walk on eggshells anymore. We have a son in his teens. I had to have my STBX checked by his atty for announcing our divorce on fb....my son saw it. Then again when he posted abut finding a woman with real chemistry to ignite his soul. Really! If the posts weren't bad enough the comments were worse! He lives in a fantasy land. He needed the replies to feed his narcissistic being. I can't believe this is the man I married! Letting go of the dream of what I thought our life would be is the hardest. Now when I look back on the 15 years I have been married and knowing him most of my life I see the signs. When I quit feeding into his narcissism he couldn't take it. Hid the whiskey behind a curtain, told me he hated me, threw his wedding ring at me and told me what to do with it, accused me of being with other men, trashed me and our life together to anyone who would listen. I do have anxiety at times but stay busy and pray an awful lot! Fortunately we signed our divorce papers and I have custodial rights to our son as well as the house. I have so much to be thankful for but I fear Monday the 4th of December as this is the day we go to court. I hope I can stand up and be strong. Keep me and my son in your prayers.
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Old 11-26-2017, 09:47 AM
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Hi there and welcome.

I can't believe the hardship you have to go through especially during the holidays. On top of that, you have a teenage son. I'm so sorry about everything you have to go through. It sounds like your soon to be ex-husband has more problems than just alcoholism. Alcoholism complicates a lot of things, as you know. However, it ignites most people's worst traits.

I applaud your bravery for coming to the point where you have to decided to put you and your son first. It's a really hard thing to do especially when you're married. I've struggled with different addictions throughout my life, but knowing that they hurt people made me want to change and stay sober. Not everybody gets to that point unfortunately.

Pardon me if I'm wrong, but it sounds like your faith is something that helps you through a lot of hard times. Do you have folks at your place of worship who can be of assistance emotionally?

You've got over 20,000 people here on this forum that will be supportive 24/7. However, it's always important to find people in the real world that can assist you and your son.

I'm really glad that you joined us. Please keep us updated. The majority of us have somebody in our family who is an addict so we understand a lot of the things you're going through, whether we identify as addicts ourselves or not.
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Old 11-26-2017, 11:44 AM
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Yes I am strong in my faith. My son and I made our confirmation the same year. My STBX "does not do church"! My support goes far beyond my religion. I have friends and family however don't want to over burden them. I finally got to the point that I need to talk to people who are going through and have been through what I am. I also hope to help and inspire others who are. I have read Codependent No More. Used my Journal and and daily affirmations as a comfort as well as release. I am honored to be part of a group of people sharing like this. I am mixed with sadness, excitement and liberation all at the same time. Not overwhelmed though. I don't mind if responses come from addicts actually that's where I started... I focused on my husband not me. Then realized I am a Cody! I will keep you updated and look forward to many new friends and being one myself! I want to learn as well as share!!! I want to heal.
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Old 11-26-2017, 11:51 AM
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I have been through therapy years ago. My husband went a few times but stopped. My Church I can tell you is not supportive of divorce unless there is abuse involved and I did make it known to Pastor that we are getting a divorce. During my religion classes I did make it known what was going on at home. Every Sunday while leaving he'd shake my hand and ask me how my husband was. I finally got the courage to tell him he left. He asks me how I am doing now!
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Old 11-26-2017, 01:39 PM
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Hi. I'm glad you found us. This forum is a very supportive community.

Have you looked into CoDa meetings in your area? Or AlAnon? Both of these can help address our codie traits and offer a great support network.

BB
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Old 11-26-2017, 01:55 PM
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Welcome, and I'm glad you are finding peace in your life.
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Old 11-26-2017, 02:06 PM
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welcome to SR! Praying you and your son continue to heal. I am sure you will do fine on the 4th!
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Old 11-26-2017, 03:04 PM
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Wow! You've got chutzpah! I would use another word, but I don't want to be inappropriate. Keep doing your thing! Codependency is just as hard to shake off as other addictions/issues. Your replies are empowering and I'm so glad that you're with us. You sound like an amazingly strong woman and great mother to your son. I look forward to seeing in posts how you are doing.
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Old 11-26-2017, 08:26 PM
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I'm sorry for what brings you here clk, but I know you'll find a lot of support - welcoem aboard - and best wishes for a good outcome for you and your son

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Old 12-11-2017, 08:51 AM
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Divorce is final

Well the divorce is final. Seeing him in court and how he looked.... he hasn’t changed. Puffy face and eyes. He seemed a little nervous too. He didn’t remember our sons birthday when asked by his lawyer. I didn’t cry. Would have if I felt like it. I pray for him every day still. He has not contacted our son. Suspecting he’s deep in addiction I think that’s a good thing. I feel guilty and anxious sometimes. Is that normal? I think about some of the things he said like “who would ever want you?” “I hate you and regret the day he (our son) was born”. All in all is just sad. His ears are bigger and his abdomen stocked way out. I’d guess he weighs close to 280+ and eyes are bloodshot. His face is red and bumpy. Not the handsome man I married 😞 what a waste.
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