observation
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Kingston, NY
Posts: 390
observation
Sometimes I think the desire to drink comes from sheer boredom... other times, I think it's a particularly vicious breed of self-destructiveness. I'm not one who has ever followed any pattern of drinking - other than the rather too obvious pattern of drinking excessively! - I wasn't one to drown my sorrows or celebrate my successes with alcohol. I was likely to pick up a drink for no discernable reason at all. So... I'm looking for what my reasons might be. Of course, there's the undeniable reason that initially a drink will make me feel better... and I have my own ideas as to neurochemical reasons for self-medicating that I won't get into here... but I think it seems to come down to boredom and self-destructiveness... and probably escape.
(thinking out loud, here)
The ridiculous thing about the boredom aspect is that I have no reason in the world to be bored. I have plenty of things to do, to see, people to interact with, mountains to climb, books to read - and none of those things is made better by the addition of alcohol. The more insidious thing is the self-destructive part... that's definitely a potential pothole for me, and an indication that I need to work on whatever it is within me that is causing me to behave hatefully toward myself. I have a good handle on what that is, and I think I can win that battle as well, but I've been standing in my own way with regard to healing by poisoning myself with booze. Gotta break that cycle, take responsibility for my actions. Certainly I'm not being chased down the street by a bottle of Bordeaux - it's my own hand picking up the tools to my destruction!
Ok... I'm babbling. If you've listened thus far, thanks for the ear.
Off to think some more about this... meanwhile, I'm still feeling good and positive. I hope all of you are, too.
--anne
(thinking out loud, here)
The ridiculous thing about the boredom aspect is that I have no reason in the world to be bored. I have plenty of things to do, to see, people to interact with, mountains to climb, books to read - and none of those things is made better by the addition of alcohol. The more insidious thing is the self-destructive part... that's definitely a potential pothole for me, and an indication that I need to work on whatever it is within me that is causing me to behave hatefully toward myself. I have a good handle on what that is, and I think I can win that battle as well, but I've been standing in my own way with regard to healing by poisoning myself with booze. Gotta break that cycle, take responsibility for my actions. Certainly I'm not being chased down the street by a bottle of Bordeaux - it's my own hand picking up the tools to my destruction!
Ok... I'm babbling. If you've listened thus far, thanks for the ear.
Off to think some more about this... meanwhile, I'm still feeling good and positive. I hope all of you are, too.
--anne
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Earth (most of the time)
Posts: 30
I think you're misunderstanding why you drank. I used to think that I drank because I was bored. Then I realized that I was bored because I drank. I was bored because I lacked the motivation to go and do all the things that I usually enjoyed doing. "Maybe I'll just have a few beers. I don't really feel like doing anything today". There's a pattern there that isn't obvious until it becomes a problem. Sounds to me as if you got out before it became a problem.
For me drinking was always something to do to make things more fun. I had this weird association with alcohol where everything seemed more fun if I was drinking. I'd have so much fun while drinking that I'd overdo do it. The next morning I'd wake up feeling like sh*t, so I'd drink a few to get through the day. This progressed into binge drinking patterns that eventually brought me here.
This is the first time that I've ever told myself I needed to quit for good. I feel lucky that I got out when I did. I've been an on and off drinker for 10 years and I've just recently seen it progress into a habit. In the past I've never drank consistently. A few beers a couple days a week. Whatever would keep the edge off. But the binge drinking began to take over. A few beers to take off the edge became several beers. A day of drinking became two or three. Hangovers started lasting two or three days instead of a few hours in the morning. I could tell that my mind and body were becoming dependant on this drug. I got out.
I relate my experience to being in a car that is racing towards a cliff. I'm in the passenger seat and alcohol is driving. Luckily, the car slowed down enough that I was able to open the door and jump out. I'm still rolling across the pavement, and I'll be scratched up, but I will walk away from this.
Anyhow, that's my understanding of why I drank. It's different for everyone. It's great that you're analyzing your Self like this. It can only help you understand and overcome your problem.
Best of Wishes,
Dave
For me drinking was always something to do to make things more fun. I had this weird association with alcohol where everything seemed more fun if I was drinking. I'd have so much fun while drinking that I'd overdo do it. The next morning I'd wake up feeling like sh*t, so I'd drink a few to get through the day. This progressed into binge drinking patterns that eventually brought me here.
This is the first time that I've ever told myself I needed to quit for good. I feel lucky that I got out when I did. I've been an on and off drinker for 10 years and I've just recently seen it progress into a habit. In the past I've never drank consistently. A few beers a couple days a week. Whatever would keep the edge off. But the binge drinking began to take over. A few beers to take off the edge became several beers. A day of drinking became two or three. Hangovers started lasting two or three days instead of a few hours in the morning. I could tell that my mind and body were becoming dependant on this drug. I got out.
I relate my experience to being in a car that is racing towards a cliff. I'm in the passenger seat and alcohol is driving. Luckily, the car slowed down enough that I was able to open the door and jump out. I'm still rolling across the pavement, and I'll be scratched up, but I will walk away from this.
Anyhow, that's my understanding of why I drank. It's different for everyone. It's great that you're analyzing your Self like this. It can only help you understand and overcome your problem.
Best of Wishes,
Dave
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: SANTEE,CA
Posts: 20
Perfect Timing you guys, I am in a bad spot right now with wanting to take pills "just for today". There's no reason, except I get off work in 1 hour and I could go home and enjoy the high and get all kinds of things done, laundry, cleaning, etc. I dont have a phone list with me right now, so I logged on here. I really liked what you said Dave about driving in a car. And Anne the boredom is a lot to what I think I do it for. That and it helps me with meaningless tasks, like cleaning, laundry, yard work, etc. Actually, when I think about using is when I have a lot of that to do. Which is today.
I could really use some input.
I could really use some input.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Kingston, NY
Posts: 390
Hey Angel! Don't do it - don't fall into that old trap of "just a few today, I'll stop using tomorrow...." You'll kick yourself for it later. This is a cycle you have to break - break it right now, this moment. Just do it. I know, easier said than done... are you into fitness at all? Go for a run or a walk before you start chores - do some pushups, crunches, take a bike ride, do some jumping jacks - get your juices flowing naturally instead of with a pill. Your liver - and your spirit - will thank you later... and you'll feel better physically, too. Break the routine. Be in the moment, moment by moment... just don't pick up the pills.
I hope you get through the craving without picking up. Strength to you!
--anne
I hope you get through the craving without picking up. Strength to you!
--anne
one of many
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Ellisville, FL
Posts: 200
Hey Anne,
I have major problems with the "i'll just have one..." urges all the time. It's a self-defeating mechanism that the brain of the addict tries to pull all the time. I've been reading about this technique called AVRT(addiction voice recgonition technique) advocated at www.rationalrecovery.org, the guy seems like he's out to make money by selling as many copies of his book as he can, but I tried the technique and so far it's working awesome. I'm gonna use this technique from now on instead of the serenity prayer, as it seems to halt my urges a lot better. This rational recovery website seems to be very biased against AA/NA, but I'm still gonna keep going to my meetings and use this technique as well, I need as many weapons as possible to defeat my addiction.
Chris
I have major problems with the "i'll just have one..." urges all the time. It's a self-defeating mechanism that the brain of the addict tries to pull all the time. I've been reading about this technique called AVRT(addiction voice recgonition technique) advocated at www.rationalrecovery.org, the guy seems like he's out to make money by selling as many copies of his book as he can, but I tried the technique and so far it's working awesome. I'm gonna use this technique from now on instead of the serenity prayer, as it seems to halt my urges a lot better. This rational recovery website seems to be very biased against AA/NA, but I'm still gonna keep going to my meetings and use this technique as well, I need as many weapons as possible to defeat my addiction.
Chris
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Kingston, NY
Posts: 390
I'm with you, Chris - I will pick and choose whatever means seem to work for me in order to stay sober. There is no single answer for everybody, in my opinion.
Good weekends to all!
Good weekends to all!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 8,709
Jack Trimpey, the brain behind RR and AVRT, is one on the most notorious 12 step bashers around. Having said that though, if the technique is going to help anyone stay sober, then it's as valid a tool for recovery as anything else.
Take what you need, and leave the rest behind!
The 12 steps are an integral part of my recovery.
But I certainly won't limit myself to that.
For any reason.
Great thread Anne!
Take what you need, and leave the rest behind!
The 12 steps are an integral part of my recovery.
But I certainly won't limit myself to that.
For any reason.
Great thread Anne!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Arizona
Posts: 872
My mind...
...damaged as it may be 
....NEVER says "I'll have just one." When I've relapsed in the past, I knew I'd be drinking to get drunk. I'm sure as my recovery progresses, though -- the alcoholic demon will tell me that I'd be perfectly fine having one. Right now though, I know that when I drank, one would never be enough. Then again, enough was never enough!
Ken
....NEVER says "I'll have just one." When I've relapsed in the past, I knew I'd be drinking to get drunk. I'm sure as my recovery progresses, though -- the alcoholic demon will tell me that I'd be perfectly fine having one. Right now though, I know that when I drank, one would never be enough. Then again, enough was never enough!Ken
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Modesto, CA
Posts: 28
Anne,
I think I just get lazy. Sobriety requires constant vigilance. Laziness leads to boredom, and when my mind isn't regularly re-filled with recovery, it's starts to wonder off and think about what worked so well in the past. Booze made my life exciting (AKA Crazy), and it sure got me off my ass.
Terrific message, wonderful post. Thanks
Jim
I think I just get lazy. Sobriety requires constant vigilance. Laziness leads to boredom, and when my mind isn't regularly re-filled with recovery, it's starts to wonder off and think about what worked so well in the past. Booze made my life exciting (AKA Crazy), and it sure got me off my ass.
Terrific message, wonderful post. Thanks
Jim
Mostly Sunny Skies
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Mountain Top, WV
Posts: 62
Some If's
Anne,
I've read many of your posts. If we both looked in the mirror over a time warp, we might see each other's spirit. We might have written each other's posts.
I can only agree with the many fine posts above this one. And, boy can I identify with them all. I guess that is why we are all here.
I drank a lot, nearly every day, for almost 40 years. Much of it in hiding, even from my wonderful wife of 30 years. Over those years, I've done a lot of writing and research. It is scary to think that some of my better work was done late at night over a magnum of wine, a bottle of booze, or some really good beer -- or maybe all three. Thankfully, my brain knew that I should never proclaim or publish without a complete review when I was sober.
To this day, I really don't know why I drink (-- not drank. I don't feel I've fully conquered my problem, but I'm not doing too badly.)
I have a very low tolerance for drunks. I am extremely uncomfortable when I am not in full control of my senses. I hate hangovers. I hate morning remorse even more. Yet, even after three years of about 99% sober time, I still have a strong desire for alcohol.
Boredom sure didn't seem to have anything to do with it. I've never felt like a higher power commanded me to drink. But, somehow, my brain thinks my body needs regular infusions of alcohol. Self control goes to near zero after the first taste.
I have been an over-achiever and hard on-the-go since I was about seven years old. My dad and his seven brothers were alcoholics, my mother's seven siblings were alcoholics, most of their spouses were alcoholics, and most of my boyhood friend's parents were alcoholics. Most of my cousins and boyhood friends are alcoholics. Only my mother and my two grandmothers were not alcoholics. My wife very seldom has any alcohol. My adult children and their spouses are total abstainers.
I have two cousins who are multiple-abuse counselors. One is an MD, the other a psychologist. I think they are only a little better off than me -- but, I'm not really sure. They have clinical techniques that work for the extremes, but I think they are chased by the same demons that chase me.
Tonight was extremely difficult. I write this with a wine glass full of IBC root beer on my desk. On my way home after a very long and stressful week, the steering wheel felt like a Ouija board planchette, telling me I needed a really good bottle of red wine. Thankfully, I made it home without a detour.
It has been an emotion filled month. We started by traveling to the distant places of my youth, where alcohol is as common as water. Last week we hosted a celebration of friends and family, literally from around the globe. Temptation has been everywhere, but so far, so good. But, it's not over yet, and the holidays are coming.
It is a constant fight that ebbs and flows like the tides. I can now go for two or three weeks with little or no desire for alcohol. Earlier this evening, the desire was quite strong. It has now subsided.
I am fortunate that my brother sobered up before me (same hospital outpatient program as me). He is now a strong inspiration. My closest cousin dried out (MD and counseling), and he has been a tremendous inspiration. I have two employees who have both been clean and sober for many years. One for 17 years as of Christmas day (AA), and one for over 21 years (religious commitment). They are part of my daily education.
It takes friends, family, a very strong commitment, lots of tools, and constant re-education to keep me sober. Yet, I still slip up now and then for a day or two. Hopefully, you can be more sucessful than me.
For a while, alcohol took about 50% of my daily thoughts. Then about 25%. It is now about 5%, but it is still there. Seldom a day goes by without thinking about it in some way.
Keep up the good work. Please keep us posted on your progress.
Toivo
I've read many of your posts. If we both looked in the mirror over a time warp, we might see each other's spirit. We might have written each other's posts.
I can only agree with the many fine posts above this one. And, boy can I identify with them all. I guess that is why we are all here.
I drank a lot, nearly every day, for almost 40 years. Much of it in hiding, even from my wonderful wife of 30 years. Over those years, I've done a lot of writing and research. It is scary to think that some of my better work was done late at night over a magnum of wine, a bottle of booze, or some really good beer -- or maybe all three. Thankfully, my brain knew that I should never proclaim or publish without a complete review when I was sober.
To this day, I really don't know why I drink (-- not drank. I don't feel I've fully conquered my problem, but I'm not doing too badly.)
I have a very low tolerance for drunks. I am extremely uncomfortable when I am not in full control of my senses. I hate hangovers. I hate morning remorse even more. Yet, even after three years of about 99% sober time, I still have a strong desire for alcohol.
Boredom sure didn't seem to have anything to do with it. I've never felt like a higher power commanded me to drink. But, somehow, my brain thinks my body needs regular infusions of alcohol. Self control goes to near zero after the first taste.
I have been an over-achiever and hard on-the-go since I was about seven years old. My dad and his seven brothers were alcoholics, my mother's seven siblings were alcoholics, most of their spouses were alcoholics, and most of my boyhood friend's parents were alcoholics. Most of my cousins and boyhood friends are alcoholics. Only my mother and my two grandmothers were not alcoholics. My wife very seldom has any alcohol. My adult children and their spouses are total abstainers.
I have two cousins who are multiple-abuse counselors. One is an MD, the other a psychologist. I think they are only a little better off than me -- but, I'm not really sure. They have clinical techniques that work for the extremes, but I think they are chased by the same demons that chase me.
Tonight was extremely difficult. I write this with a wine glass full of IBC root beer on my desk. On my way home after a very long and stressful week, the steering wheel felt like a Ouija board planchette, telling me I needed a really good bottle of red wine. Thankfully, I made it home without a detour.
It has been an emotion filled month. We started by traveling to the distant places of my youth, where alcohol is as common as water. Last week we hosted a celebration of friends and family, literally from around the globe. Temptation has been everywhere, but so far, so good. But, it's not over yet, and the holidays are coming.
It is a constant fight that ebbs and flows like the tides. I can now go for two or three weeks with little or no desire for alcohol. Earlier this evening, the desire was quite strong. It has now subsided.
I am fortunate that my brother sobered up before me (same hospital outpatient program as me). He is now a strong inspiration. My closest cousin dried out (MD and counseling), and he has been a tremendous inspiration. I have two employees who have both been clean and sober for many years. One for 17 years as of Christmas day (AA), and one for over 21 years (religious commitment). They are part of my daily education.
It takes friends, family, a very strong commitment, lots of tools, and constant re-education to keep me sober. Yet, I still slip up now and then for a day or two. Hopefully, you can be more sucessful than me.
For a while, alcohol took about 50% of my daily thoughts. Then about 25%. It is now about 5%, but it is still there. Seldom a day goes by without thinking about it in some way.
Keep up the good work. Please keep us posted on your progress.
Toivo
Vision of Hope
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Living on This side of the green!!
Posts: 1,057
I've come to believe, there is no answer why!! Boredom , happiness, anger or no reason at all, I used. Then I got clean and the pain went away and I started to feel good and the I started to analize this and that about my using and then I remembered doing this or that while I was using and my life was this bad so I used more. Then my life started getting more manageable and I drifted away from what worked keeping me clean and I basically analized my way back out to the disease.
ITS SIMPLE!!!!!! I can not use, once I put any chemical into my system, I can not control the out come, simple as that. I am powerless, my life is unmanageable, and I need to seek a Power greater than myself, I can not do this on my own energy.
I have come to realize recovery is not a Buffet Platter, I can't just pick and choose what works for me or not, I don't know. If you ask me how I'm doing, I say fine, but deep down I'm tore up, I'm not being Honest. If I look at everything as I'm different or compare, I'm not openminded. If I struggle and you suggest I try something that has worked you and others, I don't do it, I'm not willing.
I today either work on applying these 12 steps to my life and get my change in personality, or I feed my disease, after awhile the disease wins. I have a choice on how the outcome is going to be. Surrendering to this process and my recovery to the God of my understanding has really change my life, and it continues to get better and better. I don't have to analize it, I don't have to understand it for it to work, I just have to do it. It works if you work it, it wont if you dont.
Thanks,
Todd J.
ITS SIMPLE!!!!!! I can not use, once I put any chemical into my system, I can not control the out come, simple as that. I am powerless, my life is unmanageable, and I need to seek a Power greater than myself, I can not do this on my own energy.
I have come to realize recovery is not a Buffet Platter, I can't just pick and choose what works for me or not, I don't know. If you ask me how I'm doing, I say fine, but deep down I'm tore up, I'm not being Honest. If I look at everything as I'm different or compare, I'm not openminded. If I struggle and you suggest I try something that has worked you and others, I don't do it, I'm not willing.
I today either work on applying these 12 steps to my life and get my change in personality, or I feed my disease, after awhile the disease wins. I have a choice on how the outcome is going to be. Surrendering to this process and my recovery to the God of my understanding has really change my life, and it continues to get better and better. I don't have to analize it, I don't have to understand it for it to work, I just have to do it. It works if you work it, it wont if you dont.
Thanks,
Todd J.
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