Dee74

I'm sorry you're in this position again SBL but this really is the last time you have to feel this ay
Have you thought about how you might stay sober after you get through the next few days?

D

Caralara144

Gosh this is just so heartbreaking ...
I really really feel for you so much
I think the only way your going to come out the other side is total rehab like everyone is saying .... I wish I had the power to make you better as your story has touched me deeply
Please think about rehab I think it's the only way
Thinking and praying for you
Much love
Xx❤️❤️❤️

SpankedbyLife

I just got home from 4 hours of work and it was horrible, my paxil making me sweat like hell at work didn't help either. I went through my alcohol and figured out I had between 7.5-8 units up from my current taper amount of 5 since my naltrexone doesn't work, I still get the buzz and urge to drink more. I don't think I can safely stop cold turkey at this level, especially since I live alone.

I'm going to down to 6 units tonight after I take care of my dogs and eat and then drop it down by 2 units each night over the next few days as I think its the safest route before the ER. Called my psychiatrist and left a message requesting an appointment ASAP and made one with my reg DR but its not until Monday.

I'm sure I'll be fine, the other times I was in the hospital were after a year of drinking upto 30 units a day and some how as of last week my blood work is back to being perfect.

As for my motivation I have my pets who I don't want to lose, or leave behind if something happened, remembering how amazing I felt in July being sober for almost a full month, losing 20+ pounds and being thin again, some how I've still kept the weight from coming back. And that I'm just tired of dealing with this crap and I start drinking again saying it'll only be once or twice a week. Moderation doesn't work.

I can't deal with this anxiety, I already have general and social anxiety disorder which I take paxil and propranolol for. My anxiety was so insane before work even propranolol couldn't help my heart rate. Once I got working anxiety wise I was a lot better but shaky and sweating like a cow due to this and the paxil. I just can't live like this anymore. Hopefully it'll be over in a few days.

SpankedbyLife

Just found out a good friend of mine online for the past year who is a personal trainer only lives 2 hours away. Once I've sober for a bit so my eczema heals up, alcohol really makes the eczema bad and the sweating makes the itching and bleeding even worse we're going to meet up time to time and train together.

SpankedbyLife

wow, I edited that last post to 10x it size and got a error "your message is too short" when I finished it o.o wtf. I don't feel like retying all those paragraphs again tonight lol. But thanks for the help so far everyone

Dee74

Wishing you the best as you move down to zero SBL

if you feel unwell or you can't stick to targets do reconsider a Dr ok?

D

SpankedbyLife

I see my regular DR on Monday, he won't help outpatient with meds he always says, he comes by everyday I'm in the hospital to visit at 9 am....he is very nice but doesn't believe in out patient at all with alcohol and won't help treat alcoholism as he believes it requires a specialist. Its a pain but I know he is acting with his patients health in mind. I still will be going to him Monday to see if he knows how to stop these hypnagogic jerks that started the day after I left the hospital last time a few months ago, and to see if theres anything I can take to stop the sweating from Paxil at work. My psychiatrist said on the phone he won't give me another chance of librium on the phone but I still left a message to set up an appointment with him, waiting for him to call me back to set it up. If anything he can atleast help with something better than naltrexone.

I'm too scared to take Antabuse since even Campbell's soups have alcohol listed in the ingredients and I don't know if that would be enough to set it off.
My mother who is a retired RN also said to stay away from antabuse because of how I when I get upset and want to drink I'll probably still drink on antabuse to test it and with my anxiety and crohns disease it'll be a disaster. She doesn't believe I'll go through real withdrawal this time with how much I've been drinking and like I thought she also thinks that my last few ER visits were more because of out of control anxiety and thats it. Last time they kept me 3 days but only gave me a banana bag on day 1 and I just slept the rest off with no benzos. Each withdrawal at the ER got easier instead of harder so I think the last 3 times were really just anxiety

The first time I went through withdrawal was with almost 2 years of daily all day drinking and a 200+ pulse and "critical" bp I don't remember what it was, my home machine couldn't even measure it.

Dee74

I understand you've thought this through and it's what you're gonna do.

I have a responsibility to give you, and everyone else here, what I feel is good advice though

With all due respect to your mother, what you've been through before may have no bearing on what you might go through this time - it could the same, or better, ....or it could be worse.

I'm just saying get help if you need it. You're part of the SR family and we want you around for a long time to come

D

Dropsie

I ams so with Dee -- get help if you need it.

I just watched the Elementary season with Nelson Ellis and then read your posts.

He was an amazing actor and first class dude and died during an unsupervised alcohol detox.

You clearly have to stop this merry go round or its going to kill you, but you also don't want to let the way you step off kill you. Alcohol is the only drug that can kill you when you stop.

I so hope you can find a way to rehab. You seem like a good person living in hell.

We are here for you.

SpankedbyLife

Feeling great today, those damn jolts kept waking me up but I've had those for a few months now since I left my last hospital visit. No anxiety today, probably helps that I don't have work tonight. Stuck to 6 drinks last night as planned and going to run out now and buy 4 units for tonight. I'll buy tomorrow's 2 units tomorrow so I don't fail and drink it tonight too. After tomorrow I should be completely alcohol free again as long as I don't get withdrawal. It probably helps that I can eat like normal, I'm also drinking 1-2 large powerades a day, multi vitamin and b1 100 mg x 3 a day. Thanks for all the help. Hopefully I still feel this good tomorrow.

Ken0331

As mentioned already, AA isn't a religious program. And you don't have to do anything but show up to a meeting. Everything encouraged there are just suggestions anyway. The only requirement to be at a meeting is a desire to stop drinking.

And as pointed out already, you keep trying to do this on your own and failing. I have Crohn's, too, and it majorly F's up our digestive tract. But you know that already . . .


I hope that you are given the gift of desperation soon, b/c you don't have it yet. And until you get it, you'll continue doing this to yourself until you do irreparable harm or die. If you were as desperate as I was at the end, you'd be willing to do anything to get sober. I live alone with no family in the area, and have 2 dogs myself. I still found a way to go to rehab.

But since you won't even consider taking an hour out of your day to just try something different, like AA, I fear you'll continue this binge, dry out, "hey I'm good, I've got this," binge again cycle over and over.

Best of luck to you.

SpankedbyLife

Oh I'm not going to just ignore all thats happened after I'm sober this time. Last time I got sober I started going to group meetings and just caved in when I saw them letting a guy drink in the lobby before appointments, I just found that crazy. I'm already searching for another group around here.

oldmate

Hey spanked been reading your thread mate. sad to hear
you went off the rails after the docs appointment. Sounds
like something i would do.

I think it's inheret in us drinkers to hear good news and try and stuff
it up,or celebrate in someway that stuffs everything up anyway.
I'd imagine it's part of the self punishment we put ourselves through
by choosing to drink in the first place. But what do i know.haha

Anyway, i did the same as you last week and went off hard,the
days that followed where hell, i have bad anxiety like you.

That last week i went off, new pains developed. Mainly around
the pancreas area for me. Spoke to some alcoholic friends of mine
and they warned me about this.

My bloods are relatively normal too, i dont think it shows everything.
We both know were damaging ourselves,i mean we can feel it.

I hope you can grab this thing by the horns man, you seem
like a great person.

As for the medical professionals saying they gave you your last chance
is nonsense. The detox place ive been to (3 times) everytime i go
i apologise to them as i feel ive wasted their time and i'm quickly
assured they'ed rather me there than dead.

I hope you can tackle this thing bro. Keep posting here,were
right next to you.

Ken0331

I find it crazy you let that set you off. Someone drinking alcohol around me won't set me off.

But that's why this is in many ways classified a mental health disorder.


Good for your docs for telling you no more benzo's. They're right; you need treatment and help with your alcohol problem, not more benzo's to take at home to cushion your fall. You do realize that benzo's are also on the list of Rx drugs people abuse alongside opioids, right?

My family doctor wisely wouldn't give me any. He referred me to an addiction Dr, who also wouldn't give me any. Too dangerous to let us actively drinking alcoholics have those at home.


So, what is so different about this experience that you think the pain of it will keep you sober this time? B/c if all those hospital visits & admissions didn't have a hard enough impact on you, it should begin to seem clear that just negative consequences just aren't enough to keep you sober.


I've heard already what you can't do (rehab) and won't do (AA). But what I've not heard yet is what are you willing to do to take ownership of your problem and get help outside yourself for it?

Hopedeferred

I second that in saying AA is not associated with any one religion, not nowadays anyways. The idea of a "higher power" I think is to get us to understand as alcoholics we are no longer in control. And thus the need for every "me" to have a "we." Sometimes referred to as a "home group" a physical meeting at least once a week where you really get to know and be known that is a "no shame zone."

SpankedbyLife

Don't get me wrong, I completely agree with you on most things, I really do. They just say no more outpatient Librium thats all, they tell me to go to the local Cleveland Clinic for 3 days where they'll give me librium 25mg every 6 hours just like they would as out patient, the only difference is they get to bill my insurance $10k more each time when I'm there laying in a hospital bed taking my librium compared to being at home on the same dose able to work. They care about the money, not me. Treatment from them is the same in or outpatient. And I have been going to groups, just not AA. I'm still looking into more info with AA and SMART meetings and other local ones.

Ken0331

Bullsh-t

The BIG difference is @ inpatient, they can be assured you're not abusing (or selling) your Librium, or drinking on it - which is really bad.

You've been given benzo's once by your doc already - very recently - to help you detox safely at home. Your "at home" plans ain't working, and your doc isn't going to enable that behavior anymore, or contribute to a benzo addiction in the making. Very wise on his/her part.


Again, I will talk to my Higher Power tonight and pray you receive the gift of desperation.

Hopedeferred

Great your going to meetings, although I'm not familiar with anything that's not a 12-step. About your dogs, would a family member who really cared about you (I.e, if they knew you could be dead with one more relapse) watch them so you had a chance at life? Or even a really good animal shelter, if nothing else? If you do go to some AA meetings or others, the more people you meet, the more connections, the bigger and stronger your safety net. The coolest thing I think about a 12-step type of group (like AA, Serenity, or Celebrate Recovery) is the 12th step that calls the once addict to "pass the torch" of sobriety on by mentoring struggling addicts/ alcoholics. I've found some of the most humble, honest, giving people in my home group (I'm actually the inky "regular" female, but they're like brothers). They offer rides to meetings to each other, give leads on jobs, a number to call when they're ready to cave to their addiction and need some support to stay the course. And you might just find a fellow dog lover who was once where you are...but you'll never know if you don't go!🐶😉

SpankedbyLife

They know I don't abuse it, I know how bad it can be to drink on it. I still have librium left over from my last home detox since I didn't need them and even gave them to the DR to show him I wasn't abusing it. I was taking it UPTO 4 times a day for 5 days as prescribed and didn't even finish the last days worth of pills because I knew I didn't need them. I've NEVER abused any sort of pill, I did abuse alcohol I completely admit that and I have no issue with that. And honestly, if I wanted to abuse them I could easily get them through illegal means. But I don't abuse them, its only 25 mg every 6 hours, the same as in the hospital minus the bed sores.

Dee74

Guys - this is the Newcomers forum.
We try to be supportive and encouraging here.

Posts that are not supportive or encouraging can be removed.

I find things work best when we simply share our experience, rather than passing judgement on other peoples experiences.

If someones posts are annoying you, feel free to use the ignore function on that member, or leave the thread and go find someone else to help.

Dee
Moderator
SR