oldwriter

Okay, tonight I'm facing Night Five of being sober but usually even if I'm sober during the week, I always make sure I can get drunk every weekend night, and that includes Friday, Saturday, and Sunday evenings.

A few weeks or few months ago, in a prior attempt to wean myself toward quitting, I spent Friday night sober. It was ghastly. All the triggers were triggered and the Alcoholic Voice (AV) was in full swing. So by Saturday night, I made sure I had booze on hand.

Since I have made a commitment to staying sober in order to save my health and my life after several "toilet atrocities acted as a wake up call, I knew I had to face the weekend with no booze.

Friday night wasn't so bad. Just me and the missus at home. I drank several cups of nettle leaf tea while on the web, writing and reading, and I managed to slide into the evening and some semi-good sleep.

Saturday day we had the grandkids around, so plenty to do with them. Then came the evening. My son came over and we usually have dinner together before he takes the kids home. We had dinner but then he stayed and stayed and stayed. I thought I was going to lose my mind. Where was my "me" time?

I kept a low profile. A few times my wife and son teased me which I took in the worst possible way. I kept quiet, read to my granddaughter or otherwise played with her (she's 28 months), but it was an insanely difficult evening.

Finally they left at near eight and I stayed up until 9:30. I did some writing and eventually it helped me calm down so I could sleep, but it felt horrible.

Objectively, nothing bad happened, but I just felt worthless, depressed, and like nothing. The only thing I could hang onto was the fact that I know my grandchildren love me. Nothing else penetrated my skull.

Sunday and I was planning on going to the gym to lift. Looking forward to it for days. My wife went over to my son's house to watch the kids since he had to leave for work by 6 a.m.

Then I got a text saying that my granddaughter had soiled her bed and to bring over the bissel machine, so there went my gym (me) time. One thing after the other just made me feel like I didn't get to make any decisions for my own time. My grandson had a "play date" with a friend for most of the day, so it was just my granddaughter who can be a dream but also a terror depending on her moods.

That only bothered me a little since being an adult, I understand that kids act up.

But then came the ritual of taking her over to her Dad's while my wife did other errands, bathing her, and putting her down for her nap. I actually love that part, but then I had hours to myself and the AV was screaming in my ear. The "ache" in my chest that signals the urge to drink came back with a power surge, and every single signal my body and mind could send that it wanted to get drunk was blaring.

My wife and grandson eventually came back and then so did my son. This is the night when they go back to their Mom (my son's divorced), so near 5 p.m. we split. My wife is doing errands now so I'm alone again, but at home. I've eaten and am drinking tea which helps, but the AV keeps bugging me, even though my window of opportunity to buy booze so I can drink has passed.

Approaching night 5 of being sober and it is horrible. I can't drink but I feel absolutely horrible sober. Of course, if I'd given into temptation, I'd still feel guilty and horrible, but the booze would temporarily numb it.

I keep telling myself even if I fall off the wagon once, I'll still have to deal with being sober the next evening, and then the next, and then the next. When will it end.

Even if I never drink for the rest of my life, it feels like every night will be hell on wheels for the rest of my life. Rationally that may not be true, but does it ever get better?

andyh

I'm sorry, but "toilet atrocities" did make me laugh

hang in there, it does get better, if it didn't then no-one would ever stay sober

well done for getting through the weekend without a drink, that's a fantastic achievement if it's been a long time since you've done it!

I saw in your other thread that you've tried AA in the past - it might be worth giving it another go. even if the program doesn't grab you, the fellowship can be useful & the ubiquity of the meetings is hard to beat. failing that, there are plenty of other recovery organisations - SMART, Life-Ring, etc. sharing experiences with peers can be very helpful, which of course you can do here on SR too.

are there some (non-stool related) goals you can set yourself? maybe something that you didn't/couldn't do because you were drinking? I find it helps to have some purpose other than just white-knuckling sober time, if nothing else to act as a distraction.

HTown

It gets so much easier. For me that was about 3 months in. Hang in there. you have a lot to live for, surrounded by a loving family. yes, it is work, but you are not alone. i know you want alone time, but being busy with family is good too.

oldwriter

Actually, I haven't thought that far ahead. First off, I want to make it past five nights sober which is all I've managed in the past few months I knew I really, really needed to quit.

I want to stop being an emotional basket case, but reading some of the other threads here, it seems like even three, four, five months in, emotional roller coaster rides are still fairly common.

I want to be able to sleep through the night.

I want to stop thinking of only myself and my sobriety and to not resent it when me wife asks me to do something that wasn't already on my internal schedule.

Believe it or not, the 2016 calendar year was a great one for me working out and I want to get back to that. I'm kind of one of those "gray iron" kind of guys who is in his 60s and still likes to lift heavy barbells.

I don't know. What should I have for goals?

BixBees505

I just think you sound right on schedule for “horrible.” And you are doing beautifully. Smart of you to check with SR...we KNOW it gets better and can say so EMPHATICALLY.

Stay the course and you are in for some better times than you have had in a long time.

Oh, and you won’t have to worry so much about kicking the bucket before you get the chance to see those grandkids get dreamier and dreamier while you fall further and further in love with them!

SoulShine8

oldwriter so sorry you are having a time of it. Sending good vibes and wishes for a good night's sleep for you. I always try to keep the "this too shall pass" saying in my head. It sounds like you have done an excellent job to me. You recognized the AV and while you may have listened a little - you didn't let it take you by the hand and lead you down the rabbit hole. Also one thing you have now is this whole sober weekend to reflect back on next weekend. You know that you do have the strength to get thru it. I know you feel beaten up right now but I bet you will feel good thinking back on getting thru it tomorrow.
ps. a suggestion: maybe you could get up early and hit the gym before any family obligations come along and if you did it consistently everyone would know that is your "me" time and be observant of it.

BixBees505

You listed a bunch of great short term sobriety-supporting goals! You have totally GOT this!

oldwriter

On Sundays, the gym opens at 8 a.m. and I'm usually at the doors at 7:59 so I can grab the squat rack (unfortunately, my wee gym only has one). On Mondays, the gym opens at 5 a.m. so I'll have to be there at 4:55 or so for the same reason. I try to squat and do overhead presses on Sunday because the early morning competition for equipment isn't as fierce.

andyh

any of the things you listed in the preceding paragraphs that you want to do. break them down into achievable tasks & build up to where you want to get to. getting back to where you were in 2016 with your weights perhaps? or maybe doing something with/for your grandchildren?

oldwriter

I let my workouts laps for a long time and at my age, once you do that, there's no guarantee that you'll ever completely recover the same performance. On the other hand, one of the biggest problems with older people is that with each passing year, they/we lose muscle mass. However, resistance training can hold off and even reverse some of that, so I'll get back into it regardless.

I actually do quite a bit with my grandkids already. I write an ongoing series of fantasy stories starring my grandson that I publish on one of my blogs, and we spend a lot of time together otherwise. My granddaughter's 28 months old, so her interests are somewhat limited, but I read to her, take her out to the park and help her on the gym equipment. They really are the light of my life. As far as goals with them, the most general one is to be around to help them grow up. I guess I'll figure out more later.

rmeatgt350

I don't know if it will help but I can absolutely promise you, it does get better. Those moments we used to be drunk, initially, feel thousands of years long when sober. Dull, boring, depressing, the abyss. That's just your brain rewiring itself. For me boredom was a MASSIVE part of the problem. Part of my sobriety originally was staying busy because I knew being sedentary led to drinking. 6 weeks in I can sit and relax and where I used to think about drinking every second, so much so it made my chest hurt , now it's a momentary afterthought, easily dismissed. We always have to stay diligent, but it does get easier.

least

Yes! It gets better and the time will come when you don't think of drinking all the time. It takes a while but it will happen. Don't give in and don't give up.

Hawkeye13

It does get much better--in just a few weeks, I was sleeping soundly, anxiety had
dropped almost to nothing, and the bathroom stuff had mostly cleared up.

Keep strong and you'll be astonished how you will feel in six weeks--I sure was

CreativeThinker

I felt just like you do when I stopped drinking 9 months ago. All I wanted was to get past the cravings and stop thinking about the fact that I wasn't drinking anymore. As others have mentioned, staying busy, changing my daily routine and doing things that I wouldn't do if I was still drinking made all the difference. That and giving up the fight. Once I accepted that my life is so much better without the hangovers, shame and unhealthy lifestyle, things got easier because I was making the choice.

Hang in there...it really does get so much better.