my own worst enemy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 280
my own worst enemy
Hello,
I have changed my username for privacy purposes. I used to be drash11.
I am still stuck. ive tried and failed at AA 3 times.
I think my problem is step 3 - make a decision. I make that decision every Monday. and I'm wasted on Friday night. I feel the very act of going to the AA meeting is indicative that ive made the decision to stop.
the trouble is.. alcoholic thinking has a way of hijacking my mind. by day 3 or 4 I feel like drinking again.. and the cycle repeats. all bad memories of hangovers and bad experience right out the window. even if I play the tap forwards and envision myself badly hungover the next day, it just doesn't beat the prospect of gratification - NOW.
I drank 10 beers yesterday. Today I am still hopeful that its over. that I will not drink anymore. But I know 4-6 days from now my thinking will be different.
Sometimes I feel I cant win, that I just need to accept my fate. failing over and over again is so very wearing.
I would like to try chatting with people here for a few minutes a day. I hope that keeps me accountable.
Thanks for listening
I have changed my username for privacy purposes. I used to be drash11.
I am still stuck. ive tried and failed at AA 3 times.
I think my problem is step 3 - make a decision. I make that decision every Monday. and I'm wasted on Friday night. I feel the very act of going to the AA meeting is indicative that ive made the decision to stop.
the trouble is.. alcoholic thinking has a way of hijacking my mind. by day 3 or 4 I feel like drinking again.. and the cycle repeats. all bad memories of hangovers and bad experience right out the window. even if I play the tap forwards and envision myself badly hungover the next day, it just doesn't beat the prospect of gratification - NOW.
I drank 10 beers yesterday. Today I am still hopeful that its over. that I will not drink anymore. But I know 4-6 days from now my thinking will be different.
Sometimes I feel I cant win, that I just need to accept my fate. failing over and over again is so very wearing.
I would like to try chatting with people here for a few minutes a day. I hope that keeps me accountable.
Thanks for listening
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Welcome back CK 
to get out of that cycle I had to make different choices and different decisions.
I had to accept I had a problem & always would - and to decide to drink again would leave me in the same old place.
I had to decide to make changes in my life - changes that reflected my desire to be sober...and I not only had to find support but to be willing to use it when I needed it, before I drank again..
The one thing you cannot do is abandon yourself to some kind of drinking fate.
Thats addiction talking.
Thats not the natural state for you.
D
to get out of that cycle I had to make different choices and different decisions.I had to accept I had a problem & always would - and to decide to drink again would leave me in the same old place.
I had to decide to make changes in my life - changes that reflected my desire to be sober...and I not only had to find support but to be willing to use it when I needed it, before I drank again..
The one thing you cannot do is abandon yourself to some kind of drinking fate.
Thats addiction talking.
Thats not the natural state for you.
D
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 2,872
Wow. Seven and a half years ago, that would have been my post.
There's something about day four. I noticed it with me, I've noticed it with old drinking 'friends' and I've really noticed it here.
Your post really touched me. I had to read it four times before replying. and I still don't know what to say.
I can tell you what I did. I didn't give up.
After four days, those binges turned into going to the liquor store at 8:30am and buying a twelve pack, on credit if I needed it such a good customer was I, and two shooters of whiskey. I drank the shooters walking home. I lived two blocks away.
Of course I didn't have a car, too much money and had already wrecked two drunk.
Then settling in for a day of blissful, fantasy life of drinking.
Then whenever I stopped maybe two days, maybe three, the anxiety fear and remorse were all over me like a cheap suit.
I had crossed the four day line and my binges got closer and closer together until it was all just a big blur.
Went to AA. Loved it. stayed sober for seven months. Then one day doing my laundry there is a beer store out back. Bought a twelve pack. And I had been working the AA hotline on Sunday mornings for a month. Going to meetings.
But see, those meetings became less and less important. After all, I wasn't drinking. And mostly because I stopped going regularly. 'Oh, it's raining'.
"I don't feel like t.' Ad Infintum. Then, and soon, I didn't need a reason not to go. I was drinking again full throttle.
There went my hotline volunteering. And believe me the AA hotline in a major city, on a Sunday morning, will open your eyes. But still I drank again.
Why? I have no more idea than you. A beer store. Laundry. Made perfect sense to my alcoholic mind. I had stopped going to meetings.
But the bug had been planted in my thick skull-here were people successfully not drinking and had drank like me. It was never the same.
But the binges were, They got closer and closer. Hospital twice. Doctor doing a blood test and asking me how much (I had lied) was drinking.
To end this story, it took going into full-blown withdrawal to make me stop.
Freaking out at home. Palms and body sweating, shakes and visual hallucinations. It literally scared the **** out of me.
I knew the party was over.
That was over seven and a half years ago.
Thanks to my own definition of Higher Power, AA and coming here is what saved me.
My friend, I can tell you're really down right now. The bad news is, if you keep drinking things can, and probably will, get worse.
The good news is, you never have to drink again.
You're reaching out for help. You've been to AA. You know the ropes.
You can chat with me any time, if I can figure out how to.
Your post really affected me. Deeply. I know what it's like. You're not alone.
There's something about day four. I noticed it with me, I've noticed it with old drinking 'friends' and I've really noticed it here.
Your post really touched me. I had to read it four times before replying. and I still don't know what to say.
I can tell you what I did. I didn't give up.
After four days, those binges turned into going to the liquor store at 8:30am and buying a twelve pack, on credit if I needed it such a good customer was I, and two shooters of whiskey. I drank the shooters walking home. I lived two blocks away.
Of course I didn't have a car, too much money and had already wrecked two drunk.
Then settling in for a day of blissful, fantasy life of drinking.
Then whenever I stopped maybe two days, maybe three, the anxiety fear and remorse were all over me like a cheap suit.
I had crossed the four day line and my binges got closer and closer together until it was all just a big blur.
Went to AA. Loved it. stayed sober for seven months. Then one day doing my laundry there is a beer store out back. Bought a twelve pack. And I had been working the AA hotline on Sunday mornings for a month. Going to meetings.
But see, those meetings became less and less important. After all, I wasn't drinking. And mostly because I stopped going regularly. 'Oh, it's raining'.
"I don't feel like t.' Ad Infintum. Then, and soon, I didn't need a reason not to go. I was drinking again full throttle.
There went my hotline volunteering. And believe me the AA hotline in a major city, on a Sunday morning, will open your eyes. But still I drank again.
Why? I have no more idea than you. A beer store. Laundry. Made perfect sense to my alcoholic mind. I had stopped going to meetings.
But the bug had been planted in my thick skull-here were people successfully not drinking and had drank like me. It was never the same.
But the binges were, They got closer and closer. Hospital twice. Doctor doing a blood test and asking me how much (I had lied) was drinking.
To end this story, it took going into full-blown withdrawal to make me stop.
Freaking out at home. Palms and body sweating, shakes and visual hallucinations. It literally scared the **** out of me.
I knew the party was over.
That was over seven and a half years ago.
Thanks to my own definition of Higher Power, AA and coming here is what saved me.
My friend, I can tell you're really down right now. The bad news is, if you keep drinking things can, and probably will, get worse.
The good news is, you never have to drink again.
You're reaching out for help. You've been to AA. You know the ropes.
You can chat with me any time, if I can figure out how to.
Your post really affected me. Deeply. I know what it's like. You're not alone.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 280
Hi Ghostlight. Thanks for your honesty! Yes I was pretty down today morning. Reaching out and hearing from people like you means a lot though. I have hope. I need to do things differently. Would love to chat with you anytime
Originally Posted by Ghostlight1 
Wow. Seven and a half years ago, that would have been my post.
There's something about day four. I noticed it with me, I've noticed it with old drinking 'friends' and I've really noticed it here.
Your post really touched me. I had to read it four times before replying. and I still don't know what to say.
I can tell you what I did. I didn't give up.
After four days, those binges turned into going to the liquor store at 8:30am and buying a twelve pack, on credit if I needed it such a good customer was I, and two shooters of whiskey. I drank the shooters walking home. I lived two blocks away.
Of course I didn't have a car, too much money and had already wrecked two drunk.
Then settling in for a day of blissful, fantasy life of drinking.
Then whenever I stopped maybe two days, maybe three, the anxiety fear and remorse were all over me like a cheap suit.
I had crossed the four day line and my binges got closer and closer together until it was all just a big blur.
Went to AA. Loved it. stayed sober for seven months. Then one day doing my laundry there is a beer store out back. Bought a twelve pack. And I had been working the AA hotline on Sunday mornings for a month. Going to meetings.
But see, those meetings became less and less important. After all, I wasn't drinking. And mostly because I stopped going regularly. 'Oh, it's raining'.
"I don't feel like t.' Ad Infintum. Then, and soon, I didn't need a reason not to go. I was drinking again full throttle.
There went my hotline volunteering. And believe me the AA hotline in a major city, on a Sunday morning, will open your eyes. But still I drank again.
Why? I have no more idea than you. A beer store. Laundry. Made perfect sense to my alcoholic mind. I had stopped going to meetings.
But the bug had been planted in my thick skull-here were people successfully not drinking and had drank like me. It was never the same.
But the binges were, They got closer and closer. Hospital twice. Doctor doing a blood test and asking me how much (I had lied) was drinking.
To end this story, it took going into full-blown withdrawal to make me stop.
Freaking out at home. Palms and body sweating, shakes and visual hallucinations. It literally scared the **** out of me.
I knew the party was over.
That was over seven and a half years ago.
Thanks to my own definition of Higher Power, AA and coming here is what saved me.
My friend, I can tell you're really down right now. The bad news is, if you keep drinking things can, and probably will, get worse.
The good news is, you never have to drink again.
You're reaching out for help. You've been to AA. You know the ropes.
You can chat with me any time, if I can figure out how to.
Your post really affected me. Deeply. I know what it's like. You're not alone.
There's something about day four. I noticed it with me, I've noticed it with old drinking 'friends' and I've really noticed it here.
Your post really touched me. I had to read it four times before replying. and I still don't know what to say.
I can tell you what I did. I didn't give up.
After four days, those binges turned into going to the liquor store at 8:30am and buying a twelve pack, on credit if I needed it such a good customer was I, and two shooters of whiskey. I drank the shooters walking home. I lived two blocks away.
Of course I didn't have a car, too much money and had already wrecked two drunk.
Then settling in for a day of blissful, fantasy life of drinking.
Then whenever I stopped maybe two days, maybe three, the anxiety fear and remorse were all over me like a cheap suit.
I had crossed the four day line and my binges got closer and closer together until it was all just a big blur.
Went to AA. Loved it. stayed sober for seven months. Then one day doing my laundry there is a beer store out back. Bought a twelve pack. And I had been working the AA hotline on Sunday mornings for a month. Going to meetings.
But see, those meetings became less and less important. After all, I wasn't drinking. And mostly because I stopped going regularly. 'Oh, it's raining'.
"I don't feel like t.' Ad Infintum. Then, and soon, I didn't need a reason not to go. I was drinking again full throttle.
There went my hotline volunteering. And believe me the AA hotline in a major city, on a Sunday morning, will open your eyes. But still I drank again.
Why? I have no more idea than you. A beer store. Laundry. Made perfect sense to my alcoholic mind. I had stopped going to meetings.
But the bug had been planted in my thick skull-here were people successfully not drinking and had drank like me. It was never the same.
But the binges were, They got closer and closer. Hospital twice. Doctor doing a blood test and asking me how much (I had lied) was drinking.
To end this story, it took going into full-blown withdrawal to make me stop.
Freaking out at home. Palms and body sweating, shakes and visual hallucinations. It literally scared the **** out of me.
I knew the party was over.
That was over seven and a half years ago.
Thanks to my own definition of Higher Power, AA and coming here is what saved me.
My friend, I can tell you're really down right now. The bad news is, if you keep drinking things can, and probably will, get worse.
The good news is, you never have to drink again.
You're reaching out for help. You've been to AA. You know the ropes.
You can chat with me any time, if I can figure out how to.
Your post really affected me. Deeply. I know what it's like. You're not alone.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 280
Thanks Dee, you’re very right. I’ve been expecting things to change with prayer and will power. Need to take action
Originally Posted by Dee74
Welcome back CK to get out of that cycle I had to make different choices and different decisions.
I had to accept I had a problem & always would - and to decide to drink again would leave me in the same old place.
I had to decide to make changes in my life - changes that reflected my desire to be sober...and I not only had to find support but to be willing to use it when I needed it, before I drank again..
The one thing you cannot do is abandon yourself to some kind of drinking fate.
Thats addiction talking.
Thats not the natural state for you.
D
to get out of that cycle I had to make different choices and different decisions.I had to accept I had a problem & always would - and to decide to drink again would leave me in the same old place.
I had to decide to make changes in my life - changes that reflected my desire to be sober...and I not only had to find support but to be willing to use it when I needed it, before I drank again..
The one thing you cannot do is abandon yourself to some kind of drinking fate.
Thats addiction talking.
Thats not the natural state for you.
D
The opposite of addiction is connection.
Join Date: Nov 2017
Location: Oregon, USA
Posts: 373
On Day 24 here, and I've quit so many times I don't think there is any way I could count. The longest string of sobriety I have had since the drinking started is 6 months.
I am out of a long hospital stay. I was very beat up and in bad shape. Now it's literally to the point of asking myself, "do I want to live, or do I want to die?". I want to live and must do things differently. I am like you, I would get a few days strung together, and then coming home from work it was like my car steered itself to the store, no resistance, no particular reason. Just that I am an advanced alcoholic.
So, no more self help books, rationalizing at home alone, trying to do it on my own. I need to do things radically different. I created a detailed action plan and am executing on it starting now.
I am out of a long hospital stay. I was very beat up and in bad shape. Now it's literally to the point of asking myself, "do I want to live, or do I want to die?". I want to live and must do things differently. I am like you, I would get a few days strung together, and then coming home from work it was like my car steered itself to the store, no resistance, no particular reason. Just that I am an advanced alcoholic.
So, no more self help books, rationalizing at home alone, trying to do it on my own. I need to do things radically different. I created a detailed action plan and am executing on it starting now.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: il
Posts: 239
Clarkkent 11 thanks for your honesty i'm in the same spot you are just to ashamed to post anymore . We have to keep fighting this and one day we will win look at all the great people here that are fighting and winning.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by clarkkent11
Thanks Dee, you’re very right. I’ve been expecting things to change with prayer and will power. Need to take action
step 3- made a decision to turn our will and life over to the CARE of God as we understood him.
that decision ALSO includes the decision to continue with the rest of the steps.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Originally Posted by tomsteve
thats why theres 9 steps after step 3. thats when the rubber hits the raod and the real action begins.
step 3- made a decision to turn our will and life over to the CARE of God as we understood him.
that decision ALSO includes the decision to continue with the rest of the steps.
step 3- made a decision to turn our will and life over to the CARE of God as we understood him.
that decision ALSO includes the decision to continue with the rest of the steps.
The God of my understanding wants me to be happy, healthy, sober, at peace. The way to get there is by surrendering to that power and allowing it to work for good in my life.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 39
Day four, huh? I guess that's me (approaching my fifth night sober). It's been horrible this weekend, my first full weekend sober in I don't know how long. Do you mean it gets better after this?
Right now, I don't feel like I have the option to drink even though I really want to. After certain "toilet atrocities" earlier in the week going back to a week ago, I feel like someone has a gun pointed at my head saying, "Take a drink and I'm pulling the trigger." Sure, the next drink might not actually kill me, but after decades of drinking, my liver is starting to protest.
It's sad that's what it had to take to get me to stop, but it's still horrible. I guess we can feel horrible together in the hopes that we'll actually feel like being sober is normal someday.
Right now, I don't feel like I have the option to drink even though I really want to. After certain "toilet atrocities" earlier in the week going back to a week ago, I feel like someone has a gun pointed at my head saying, "Take a drink and I'm pulling the trigger." Sure, the next drink might not actually kill me, but after decades of drinking, my liver is starting to protest.
It's sad that's what it had to take to get me to stop, but it's still horrible. I guess we can feel horrible together in the hopes that we'll actually feel like being sober is normal someday.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
