Reconnecting with boring family members
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,855
Oxford, maybe just try being on good terms with your Mom.
Checking in with her to let her know that you are okay or to see if she is doing well could be a great start to becoming on good terms with each other.
Mutual respect and caring attitudes can go a long way.
Checking in with her to let her know that you are okay or to see if she is doing well could be a great start to becoming on good terms with each other.
Mutual respect and caring attitudes can go a long way.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 60
A lot of our relationship is talking about my issues and has been that way for years. It's really my fault that I've relied on her like a therapist, now that she has depression she told she didn't want me to treat her that way anymore. The habit I got into of bringing up too much personal stuff has gotten in the way of making friends, as I often talk a lot about my problems before they get to know me.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
PS...
Talking to people about our problems when they have no way of helping us, or (more than likely) we aren't actually going to follow any advice they might offer will of course be tiring. As adults we need to go to the right people to talk about things. People who have some knowledge about whatever it is. That way we can move from problem-dwelling (which is always yawn-making for our victims / audience) into solution-focus. So, health promlems (eg sleep, withdrawal, etc - perhaps get to the doctor and acually take their advice). Money problems, find out what services are available in your area for this, or bite the bullet and talk to your bank, or whoever you owe money to and make a manageable arrangement with them before the problem gets worse (in the UK there is CAP which might be helpful - not sure where in the World you are though). And for sobriety and recovery here or AA. That way, next time you talk to your mother you could spend some time asking her how she is, and listening to the responses.
One way I found of getting my own problems in better perspective is by making a point of helping others. That might be on here, by offering support or encouragement to someone who is struggling. It might mean getting to a meeting early or staying late to help set up or clear up. If you have time it might mean volunteering somewhere on a regular basis. It might mean helping a neighbour out in some way - shopping, or lawn mowing or walking their dog - if you've noticed things may be a struggle.
Another tool would be a gratitude list. Esp if you can get creative and subvert those 'problems' and find a gratitude in there. For example - your parents being a little 'boring' or too involved and interested - well, plenty of folk arrive here completely estranged from their family due to their drinking. So you could say that (perhaps) you're grateful that you have a relationship with your parents.
We tend to have a real knack for playing problems to death in our heads. Giving them more time and importance than is useful or healthy. Part of recovery is learning to spot when we're in the vortex and remove ourselves from it.
Wishing you all the best for your sobriety and recovery.
BB
Talking to people about our problems when they have no way of helping us, or (more than likely) we aren't actually going to follow any advice they might offer will of course be tiring. As adults we need to go to the right people to talk about things. People who have some knowledge about whatever it is. That way we can move from problem-dwelling (which is always yawn-making for our victims / audience) into solution-focus. So, health promlems (eg sleep, withdrawal, etc - perhaps get to the doctor and acually take their advice). Money problems, find out what services are available in your area for this, or bite the bullet and talk to your bank, or whoever you owe money to and make a manageable arrangement with them before the problem gets worse (in the UK there is CAP which might be helpful - not sure where in the World you are though). And for sobriety and recovery here or AA. That way, next time you talk to your mother you could spend some time asking her how she is, and listening to the responses.
One way I found of getting my own problems in better perspective is by making a point of helping others. That might be on here, by offering support or encouragement to someone who is struggling. It might mean getting to a meeting early or staying late to help set up or clear up. If you have time it might mean volunteering somewhere on a regular basis. It might mean helping a neighbour out in some way - shopping, or lawn mowing or walking their dog - if you've noticed things may be a struggle.
Another tool would be a gratitude list. Esp if you can get creative and subvert those 'problems' and find a gratitude in there. For example - your parents being a little 'boring' or too involved and interested - well, plenty of folk arrive here completely estranged from their family due to their drinking. So you could say that (perhaps) you're grateful that you have a relationship with your parents.
We tend to have a real knack for playing problems to death in our heads. Giving them more time and importance than is useful or healthy. Part of recovery is learning to spot when we're in the vortex and remove ourselves from it.
Wishing you all the best for your sobriety and recovery.
BB
Member
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 2,393
Originally Posted by Oxford1 
A lot of our relationship is talking about my issues and has been that way for years. It's really my fault that I've relied on her like a therapist, now that she has depression she told she didn't want me to treat her that way anymore. The habit I got into of bringing up too much personal stuff has gotten in the way of making friends, as I often talk a lot about my problems before they get to know me.
Excellent points and advice are offered on this thread and all over SR. As is said... Happiness ( and health and sobriety ) is an inside job. And if nothing changes, nothing changes.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
good stuff Bixbees had to say.
a parent isnt supposed to be a friend or therapist, especially after we reach adulthood.
maybe ya feel its a mistake to talk about connecting because of your perception of what that means and what role a parent is?
a parent isnt supposed to be a friend or therapist, especially after we reach adulthood.
maybe ya feel its a mistake to talk about connecting because of your perception of what that means and what role a parent is?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 60
Originally Posted by tomsteve
good stuff Bixbees had to say.
a parent isnt supposed to be a friend or therapist, especially after we reach adulthood.
maybe ya feel its a mistake to talk about connecting because of your perception of what that means and what role a parent is?
a parent isnt supposed to be a friend or therapist, especially after we reach adulthood.
maybe ya feel its a mistake to talk about connecting because of your perception of what that means and what role a parent is?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
what struck me as interesting is that your thread title specifies "boring family members".
then you talk about being friends with your mom.
what arose for me in reading your words is that perhaps you have some opportunity to do some self-work and therapy around the issues you have with your mother.... why you see her as 'boring'.... what calls you with the desire to 'connect' with her.... what stands in the way.
What Ive found in recovery - and in life in general - is that we often have deeply-rooted wounds and emotional rifts in ourselves that are attached to our parents and our childhood. We then spend much of our lives playing out various dramas associated with those.
What I've also found - and observed in others - is that when we endeavor to look at these things within ourselves honestly, we ofen wind up healing ourselves in profound ways.... and often in so doing we find our relationships with our parents healing in remarkable ways as well.
then you talk about being friends with your mom.
what arose for me in reading your words is that perhaps you have some opportunity to do some self-work and therapy around the issues you have with your mother.... why you see her as 'boring'.... what calls you with the desire to 'connect' with her.... what stands in the way.
What Ive found in recovery - and in life in general - is that we often have deeply-rooted wounds and emotional rifts in ourselves that are attached to our parents and our childhood. We then spend much of our lives playing out various dramas associated with those.
What I've also found - and observed in others - is that when we endeavor to look at these things within ourselves honestly, we ofen wind up healing ourselves in profound ways.... and often in so doing we find our relationships with our parents healing in remarkable ways as well.
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