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Just found out boyfriend is an addict...help

Old 11-18-2017, 07:31 AM
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Just found out boyfriend is an addict...help

If you knew him you'd never guess, he doesn't act out, pays all the bills, works hard. I saw something on the phone and allowed him simply if he was (because he has in the passed supposedly once in a while and promised he'd stop) he admitted it and said he was sorry confessed to me he shouldn't have promised me that bc hes addicted to drugs and doesn't know if he can stop, but is starting therapy to work through the problems that hes trying to get away from by taking drugs...he also has bad anxiety and depression.. he just started anxiety meds and his therapist told him it should help with his addiction.. he uses weed which i think is ok but now I know about cocaine and who knowswhat else? i don't know how to handle it and have nobody to talk to.. i feel lied to. I feel in a way like i don't even know him even though i do.. we've been together 3 years and living together for 2. I don't want to leave him i love him i want him to get the help he needs and wants. I want to ask him how much and what exactly all he does. I feel so sad and can't get it out of my mind.. i worry when he says hes getting weed or withdraws money i feel like our future e is compromised. . we want to get married and have kids in a few years How will i know when its over, is it ever really over? Anyone who has been in this spot please help.. hes never lied to me..he's a good person with a hard upbringing.. And he wants to stop.. but I'm very overwhelmed. Can therapy really help him work through his problems?
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Anna (11-18-2017)
Old 11-18-2017, 08:21 AM
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Hi Marylew. It sounds like you feel very hopeless and frustrated right now. I've never had a significant other/partner who has been in active addiction. Maybe weed, which is considered a drug by a lot of folks, but it never affected their life to the point where it got out of control. I have had one SO that was in recovery and they took it pretty seriously. Thankfully. I did however have a couple of family members who were severely addicted to drugs and alcohol. Some well over 20 years.

I know how scary and frustrating it can be. I see it from both sides. I see addiction as someone in recovery and I saw it when not an addict at the time.

I think it's very important that you introduced him to these forums and encourage him to go to 12 step meetings. If due to anxiety he doesn't want to go alone, there are what is called open meetings where anybody can go whether they identify as an addict or not. Take a look around. On these forums, you will see people who make posts about trying to get sober and relapsing. Trying to stay sober and relapsing. Mostly, you will see posts of folks trying to stay sober and succeeding.

If possible, after he has several sessions in therapy, see if you can join him for a couple. I can't imagine the pain you're feeling right now, but I've been in your position with loved ones as I said. It sounds like he definitely doesn't want to live like this anymore. If the unconditional love of friends and family were enough, there would be no form of addiction in the world… Including things like eating disorders. Anxiety and depression can really add a hurdle with staying sober, but with the right mind set, tools, and support, it's very possible.

Are you close with his parents or other family members and friends who are aware of this? Having some sort of camaraderie with somebody You and him are close too can help. I feel very sad to say this, but ultimately it's him that needs to decide how long he wants to stay on this path. The sucky thing is even if a part of his brain wants to stop, he needs to be able to fight the addiction part and put his foot down.

There are 12 step programs for people that aren't addicts, but have a friend or family member who are either in active addiction or recovery. There are also non-12 step support groups out there, some religious-based and some purely therapy based . Most are free. Some you may have to pay for using insurance or out-of-pocket. Look into those. It's very important that you receive support, too.
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Old 11-18-2017, 12:52 PM
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Hi Marylew, I can't predict the future but I do think that him starting therapy is a good sign.
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Old 11-18-2017, 01:14 PM
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Welcome!

I'm sorry for your situation. I hope your boyfriend decides to seek support for his addiction. For you, AlAnon in your area could be a good source of support for yourself.

Therapy may help your boyfriend, but it depends on his motivation. Recovery from addiction takes a lot of work and it's not something that is ever really 'over'.
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