notgivingup33

I'm 33 and single. My parents live in the same building, and we "share" a cat, so I'm not all alone. They know I have problems, but not how bad it is. Nobody knows that. I started drinkinig at 18, more in some periods, less in others. I've tried quitting a few times, and I got help from a doctor and a temporary employer two years ago. Apart from a couple sips of wine at a job function (someone bought me a class and pestered me till I tried it), I stayed sober for seven months. Then again, at a job function, things went downhill.

It's become a real problem for my health, my job, social life in nonexistant. Now I've having a bad period, been drinking a lot for a whole week, and know that in 3-4 days I'll have that voice in my head again saying "it's okay, just a glass, you can handle that" when I know I can't. I've said and thought several times that I need to get some sort of network, someone to confess to if things go downhill. You guys seem really nice so I hope I can stay honest and get to read your stories too.

I had my last drink around 15 hours ago, and poured the last bit of alcohol I had in the house down the drain a few hours later.

StartingOverNW

If you're here you're not alone

Dee74

I think there's always something to do - we just need to get our flabby grey matter out of storage and back into shape.

When I literally couldn't think of anything else to do I started volunteering in my community.

One of the best decisions I ever made

D

canguy

It's a complete eff up...the isolation enables the drinking that makes the isolation tolerable. You go round and round. I just can't find a way out of it now and feel I'm really circling the drain.....

Dee74

You've broken the cycle before canguy.
It's not easy but it is simple.

Stop the drinking.

Purplrks3647

Welcome, Notgivingup!

Hugs, Canguy

stargazer016

Pulling for you Canguy. I know you have put some good streaks together previously. I keep telling myself that it is always a choice whether or not to pick up that first drink.

canguy

To get off....it takes four days. You have to face four days of feeling like sh*t, no sleep, sweating. And the itching, strange crazy skin crawling. To do this on your own in an apartment that used to house a wife, a cat, and a spare room done out as a nursery for the baby that died, is a **** place to be.

But, yeah, I've managed to get off before.....so really trying to get to the starting gate, and just suffer through it until the sleep and better thinking comes back. It's just a very hard thing to do with no one to turn to.

SoulShine8

I wish I had something to tell you can. I am going thru a struggle myself where fortunately I have my mom but I still live alone. I've had some bad moments today. Its hard to know what to do to get thru the panic/feeling bad in your skin feelings. I've been trying to stay busy and keep switching between things I am doing and watching on tv and reading on here helps a lot. Without SR I would be in worse shape that's for sure. Posting or writing in a journal helps too, just getting things out. Try to do anything that keeps your emotional/physical state good. Sleep is a big thing I think, sleep as much as you want or can. I have been getting back into reading (something I used to enjoy) before bed and falling asleep with a kindle in my hand a lot of the time. Sending good vibes to you. Stay strong as you can - I'm rooting for you.

Dee74

yeah withdrawal sucks - but going on binges sucks more, yeah?

At least with withdrawal you know you'll feel better in a few days.


yeah it must be- but it's really not a good enough reason to **** away your future, Can.

I don't want to appear harsh - but I had my unassailable reason for drinking too - that ace in the hole argument that noone could refute.

For me it was my disability. I used it a lot - but it did me no favours.

I'm sorry for your pain and for that very real feeling of loss - but alcohol is fuelling that pain and despair Can, not taking it away.

D

2muchpain

I have to admit I miss the days when I used to get high. I'd pop pills to calm down, so I was comfortable going out and being around people. Lots of girlfriends and people to hang with. Not so easy doing it sober. Kind of ticks me off sometimes. Don't get me wrong. If I had the chance to get high today I wouldn't do it. But even today, if I had the chance to do some socializing, I'd probably drink to loosen up. Rock and hard place. Maybe that just wasn't me back then.
I probably would of been able to pull if off if I made any sober friends in AA. I think that's why I tried so hard to connect with the people. But it is what it is. John

Dee74

I found friends were there for the making - but I needed to get amongst people again.

I know it's a risk for you , but I hope one day you'll decide to join a few social groups or get that dog J - might make the world of difference.

SportsFan15

My cancer, PTSD, and the death of 3 very young friends who had the same kind of cancer as me were a few of the reasons I told myself I was drinking. I didn't know this at the time, but it turns out I was drinking cause I was addicted, period. I TRULY thought I was drinking for relief and experiencing escape via ethanol. I was making very sad, excruciating times 10 times worse.

My heart hurts for your losses, Canguy, and anyone else grieving. I know that is REAL, life shattering pain. I promise you that ethanol turns grief into a contagious cancer that does not sleep. It only gets worse from here until you go ethanol free.

canguy

I had a pretty intense professional life in the construction industry. Working there is not an easy day....it's very adversarial, confrontational, because often there is a lot of money at stake on the decisions made. It really did take it's toll on me....looking back, at the end, I was too old for it, probably not aggressive enough. I worked throughout South East Asia....the endless hotels, boozed up dinners with the 'project partners'. I'd drink with them, but draw the line at being offered a girl. Yes, ppl...it is almost everyday in that world. I always declined, 'too drunk' can protect you from a lot of small evils. I was introduced a lot of willing 'small evils', lol.....but didn't go there. Never. I was married.

I got spat out of it in the end....too old. You end up at what used to be home. It all feels empty and strange. And so you drift back to Japan....love the supermarkets, the shops....sit at the counter and eat. You become kind of stateless, just an aging drifter. I don't want to end up like this. I started as an art student....I could draw well and paint a bit...
So....maybe try and get out of it, do the awful 4 days .... people, I'd love to be a sober guy. I have a small tough little girl in my online life who really needs a sober serious guy. Can I do this?

Dee74

You've done it before canguy No reason why you can't do it again?.

I reckon getting sober may be hard, but it's staying sober which is the real marathon.

D

canguy

Yeah......the big obstacles are getting to the starting gate, then keeping it going through those really rough first few days. Then it evens out.....things pick up, you get some energy back.....you're away.
Then Long term, still seems impossible. 90 days.....and I'm just so tired of struggling with it. Time for some time out. Months later.....back here again. Trying to get to the starting gate. Again.

SportsFan15

Canguy, the great thing about this place is we all understand the pain and darkness. We get it. I've FINALLY realized after many many relapses that a sobriety plan and help from others wins the marathon.

I kept hitting the wall too. I'm working a simple (not easy!) Plan, going to AA, and posting here. I'm getting a real-life (in person) sponsor too.

I'm severely independent and that is killing me. In alcoholism, going it alone doesn't work for most of us. I'm finally ready for help. This is new for me and not easy but I'm tired of the merry go round.

SportsFan15

I tried to use this site as my only accountability for 4 years. This site is GREAT for support. But for successful, long-term sobriety, I need meetings and a plan.

I truly wish I could get those 4 years back. A lot of physical, mental, spiritual, relationship, and financial damage was done in those years. It was a huge fall. We could debate "oh but maybe that was part of my journey blah blah" - it has now become part of my journey, yes - but I 100% believe I would have gotten sober 4 years ago, without all these extra horrible losses had I worked a plan and had a sponsor and meetings.

The ONE THING I didn't want to do is the one thing I most needed: meetings. Just something to think about.

SportsFan15

Bump

Dee74

hows everyone doing?

D