noturningback2

I know nobody can really help me, I'm just putting this out there to the universe I suppose. Next weekend I have an afternoon event, that last year I went to after a night of drinking and around 4 beers in the morning before the event. You know, to get through it..... in my fizzy alcoholic logic, I actually just turned up drunk. This was a kids event I regret to say, I went to with my kids, drunk. Infront of hundreds of other parents, and although my friend promises me I did not act strange as I told her I was still affected from the night before. The shame I felt after that was one of the things I did that kept coming up over and over and replaying and kept me awake at night. Even in my sobriety it shames me so much.

Well its coming up again, and I am a ball of anxiety. I have a knot in the pit of my stomach that wont go. Ive seen all these people since, so its not that, I think its reliving a very painful and one of my most shameful memories, stirring up so much emotion.

Yes I am sober, yes i am happy in my sobriety, yes I will be doing it sober, and I know that I am a million times happier and changed from that person last year. But I just cant make this horrible dreaded feeling go.

Just needed to get that out, nobody here I can really tell as its obviously not something I told people that happened. Thanks for listening

MythOfSisyphus

Well, that was a long time ago, probably people won't remember. And if they do at least this time you'll be sober. You can't change the past but you can choose the a better future.

Dee74

Maybe going again and doing it sober will help you

1
to see that 99% of people don;t remember or care about last year,
and 2
let go of whatever residual feelings you have over last year?

Congrats on your sober time - that's an achievement - thats where my focus would be

D

Chuck39

I think you are not giving your fellow humanity enough credit. You say your friend didn't report any erratic behavior and you've seen a lot of these folks since. Maybe, just maybe, they empathize with you, and for some possibly see their own inner struggles with a myriad of challenges. How great that you get a do over this year and get to be 100% present and accountable. I have been in similar social situations and the shame of past behavior can be unbearable. Then someone will walk up to you and genuinely say.. "It's good to see you" and "You look well". Try to quiet the negative self talk and give these folks another chance to see the real you.

noturningback2

thank you for the kind words. I see the other people that were there at school daily almost, so I know for sure that they by now don't have any thoughts on it, if they ever did. I think it is just the pain of the memory for me personally, but you are right Chuck, maybe doing it this time sober and a do over, can possibly make that horrible memory fade for good, as I finally 'fixed' it. Where as before it felt very much like I couldn't fix it or make it better, which always brings on a panic, as I hate to be out of control, ironic hey?! I will try and reshift my focus from the dread to the positive impact that can come from it.

August252015

I think this is good advice. I also think that if it is something really bothering your emotional sobriety- the anxiety and rehashing and all that you mention- it's perfectly ok not to go. I am one who truly believes- and has had a couple of occasions that I have declined that were not decisions people understood- you never have to go to anything. Period.

putting my sobriety first- now, at 21 mo, it's emotional sobriety, not physical as the former security ensures the latter.

Take care of yourself!

DreamCatcher17

I hope you are able to live in the present at that event and enjoy your kids this year! Best of luck!

ljc267

I get where you're coming from. Bad memories can stir up emotions like you describe. I've had it happen to me a few times.

I find that instead of trying to push the fear and/or anxiety down just acknowledge it and accept the fact that you may be anxious while there. You give it a lot less power over you.

HTown

One year, I went very early to see the kids in an Easter thing at dawn, I was so hung over. I wore sunglasses, my head pounding. There I was at church feeling like hell. The next year I went back sober. I re-wrote all of those bad memories and I smile and look forward to next Easter!

Good luck