When you find yourself in a hole....
 

I was more than determined to drink yesterday. It was day 5 for me and, while I was very proud of myself for having been able to stay sober that long, doubts had started to creep in. Also, a potential temptation was going to happen; we had been invited for lunch at the house of one of my husband's business partners and that always goes with a bit of drinking.

I had already subconsciously 'decided' that should there be wine, I would drink. If not, then I wouldn't. Stupid, huh? But then....

While on our way there, my husband asked me to not drink at this lunch. He has never asked me to not drink anywhere and I was pissed off!!! OK, he said that the last time we all got together, I drank too much and he didn't like it. Understandably, this is a business partner so... I shouldn't have taken so much offense but I did. In anger, I determined to definitely drink when we got home from the lunch.

I thought the lunch affair would be so boring without drinking but it turned out fine. We were with our son who kept me busy the whole time. Even if I had wanted to drink, I don't think I could've been able to (Toddlers!!).

So, on our way home, I was still hell bent on drinking. I was still angry and also stressed over certain other issues in my relationship with H. Then out of nowhere, I remembered someone's signature here on SR that says if you find yourself in a hole to stop digging. And I thought to myself, 'Well, L, how apt. You are in a hole (a deep one at that; psychologically, mainly) and you are so determined to keep digging as furiously as you can, huh? I should think it's best to simply put the shovel down and take a deep breath. Survey your surroundings and take it from there.' And that's what I did. I gave in to reason at that point and changed my mind about the drinking.

We got home and I put my son in bed. If there was any lingering risk of me drinking last night (and I suspect there was; my house always has alcohol), it was erased since I fell right asleep with my son and didn't wake up till this morning.

I was really amazed, quite honestly. How does an alcoholic set out determinedly to drink and all forces of nature stop them? I think it was God helping me out. So I didn't drink yesterday and today is day 6. And I'm happy about that. Am I still in the hole? Yes. But at least I'm not hangover in there.

L.

I'm glad you thought it through Lava.
People would ask of me not to drink all the time by the end, and I would get annoyed - but with hindsight I regret I let things get to the point where other people had to make those decisions for me,. a fully grown adult.

I much prefer being a fully realised adult again, making good healthy decisions for myself :)

D

Hi Lava , God job with not drinking .
I relate to being told not to drink then feeling angry .
I like it to be ME who decides I wont drink ,that way it is my decision ,my control .
In some probably unrealistic way I see being told not to drink as an insult but looking deeper I feel guilt and shame being exposed from past behaviour and it,s not a nice feeling . Feeling like this tended to put me into a sulky mood for hours . I,m now glad that no one needs to tell me not to drink .

What a mature decision you made to put down the shovel, Lava. Well done!

Yes, guilt and shame and more guilt and more shame. Which are feelings that could send someone to drink even if they were not planning to in the first place.