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Old 11-10-2017, 01:35 PM   #1 (permalink)
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New here: Signed up to ask about Husband's Suboxone use


Hi everyone. I want to ask someone experienced with Suboxone about the path that long term addiction to this drug takes. My husband crushes/snorts & no prescription. Even though I know he feels great shame about his usage, he mostly lives in denial, will not seek professional help, and gets upset if I want to talk about it. Makes promises that he forgets/disregards right away (like to not crush up the ******* pills at your desk where the residue could get on something and somehow our daughter could ingest it & to not do it anywhere where she could possibly see/hear you). He doesn't respect these boundaries.

He has one big excuse for continuing to use, which actually does seem legit to me (not sure if this is enabling rationalization or not...): he is an accomplished professional and has sacrificed a lot of time & money for his career. He says that getting off the drugs will endanger his chances to make the long-term professional achievements he's been working for, for so long (cannot take a few weeks off to detox/cannot risk being found out as a drug addict/cannot function at same level w/o the drugs).

He is often a very inattentive and lazy husband (and father to our almost-5 yo). He is very irritable, and can be selfish/narcissistic. That said, I do know he genuinely loves us, he would never cheat, and I do think we are a good match in many ways. It would also break my heart to have our daughter grow up w/o both of us present.

Every forum I read says to "get out and get out now" re: addicts. Please give me the rationalizations re: why I need to leave. It is true that he is irritable and has a hard time handling stress but I think a lot of people in his career (& health status - he does have legitimate pain) would? I don't know how much of this is the drug and how much of it is his normal temperament. I do know he's always been a "difficult" person. I can handle this but I can't handle it getting worse. He has been using for 4.5 years. He is also passionately insisting we have another baby, which I was on board with the last couple of months and didn't get pregnant. Now I'm thinking that may have been a blessing and I'm freaking out about bringing another child into the world with him as a father.

What do you think are the typical scenarios this would play out as should I choose to stay? Oh, he also claims that if I have another baby he'll use his paternity leave to detox (on his own of course). I know. Wtf.

I just want a healthy husband and father to our child(ren).
Thanks for reading, I know that was long.
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Old 11-10-2017, 01:47 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Welcome!

I certainly wouldn't tell you to get out and get out now. Every person, in such a situation, has to make their own choice. One red flag to me though, is that he doesn't respect your boundary to crushing the pills when your daughter may be around.

I hope that you focus on yourself and your daughter and do whatever you can for yourselves. Hopefully at some point, your husband will seek support for himself.
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Old 11-10-2017, 02:20 PM   #3 (permalink)
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I was am very sucessful, a great provider, but as a daily drinker I was a terrible partner. I made so many promises to quit, I meant them. I could not keep them. I did not want to stop drinking. It made me mad when my Ex questioned my behaviour.

I do not know about drugs, but the scene is familiar. There is a sub section here called friends and family. You may want to read around a bit there.

He sounds selfish and that is a typical addiction thing. You need to be selfish too, is this the life you want? You want this 3 years from now? What do you want?
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Old 11-10-2017, 02:50 PM   #4 (permalink)
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The final decision when I decided to leave my ex fiancť was not made over night. He had always been an alcoholic but eventually moved on to smoking heroin. Eventually I took a tool I learned in SMART Recovery and applied it to my relationship. I folded up a piece of paper into quarters. On the top half I listed the pros and cons of staying in the relationship. The bottom half consisted of the pros and cons of breaking off our engagement. It quickly became apparent leaving was worth more to me long term than staying in a destructive relationship.

I didn’t just sit down and made the lists. I carried that paper around for a week adding to it as new ideas came to my mind. It also gave me a chance to mull over my choices before making a final decision.
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Old 11-10-2017, 02:52 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Welcome to the family! We have a friends and family forum you may find helpful.

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...tance-abusers/

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Old 11-10-2017, 03:56 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Hi, subwife.
Welcome.
I have said this before on another forum,, so please forgive because I am repeating.
I think that one of the most insidious aspects of addiction is the normalization within the family of the addict’s dysfunctional behavior.
They just wear us down,
We don’t become used to it, but we do become inured to it.
The selfishness, the me-me-me, the pushing against boundaries, the emotional absence.
Where do you see yourself and your marriage 5 years from now? 10?
Unless the addict embraces sobriety and recovery, things will get progressively worse.
And that great career? Wouldn’t count on him maintaining that over time.
I recommend either group support in the form of Nar-Anon or Al-Anon, or maybe counselling with someone experienced in family therapy when addiction is a factor.
Also suggest you check out the friends and family forums.
Good luck.
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Old 11-11-2017, 02:50 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Hi subwife, I'm sorry for what brings you here. I wouldn't tell you that you have to leave, as that's your decision.

Your husband's "reasons" for needing to use sound a lot like my old reasons. I have a stressful, demanding professional career, and chronic severe back pain. I thought I abused alcohol and pain meds for these reasons. Now that I'm sober a few years, I know that I drank and used because I was addicted, plain and simple. I still have a demanding career and back pain, but now I find healthy ways to manage these stresses, without alcohol or pills.

You don't have to put up with addiction.
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Old 11-11-2017, 11:02 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Thank you all for your responses, I appreciate each and every one of them. Also thank you for recommending the friends and family forum.

I am very back and forth about this situation - I secretly met up with a divorce lawyer over the summer but didnít even get to starting the paperwork before I decided things werenít all that bad.Now we are talking about a 2nd baby...

Thatís another thing though: heís raged at me numerous times over my reluctance to have another baby, which was hugely stressful for me, partly because he doesnít bother to be sure our daughter isnít around when he picks fights with me, and partly because heís an addict and I deal with depression and take on virtually all of the work at home while working a full time job as well. Itís hard to imagine starting over with another pregnancy & baby, much less the guilt for bringing a child into a potentially bad situation. I finally decided though, itís now or never, as Iím approaching 40, and I really did want two children, and heís promised to quit...when, I donít know.

Heís been easier to live with since Iíve agreed to get pregnant, but now Iím thinking of making an ultimatum for him to get help before we start trying again this month. Iím afraid of his reaction. Not physically, but he yells and Iím naturally pretty chill and non-confrontational. Iím also afraid of him being difficult to deal with if we did end up separating, in terms of doing what is best for our child.

My first pregnancy was terrible and our baby was premature. Iím terrified Iíll end up on bed rest and Iíll need to physically depend on him. I just donít trust him to take care of us.

As mentioned, I struggle with depression and itís been pretty bad since we have been together. Iím honestly not sure how much more I can take in life so Iím just living day to day, trying to not rock the boat.

So, both the option to stay and the option to leave seem impossible. In the end, what will mobilize me is bad effects on my child/potential child but it never seems like a good time. I have no family and my friends are busy with their own lives. If I had parents I would have probably left a long time ago to stay with them, if only to test him, but that is not an option.

Iíll try the list thing that was suggested, that is a good idea. I have also been thinking about Narcanon, however I am not religious so the higher power stuff turns me off.

Thanks for listening. Oh, If I repost this in the friends and family, will that be ok? Not sure if thatís a better place to talk about this to this extent.
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Old 11-11-2017, 02:08 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Hi again, subwife.
Saying this gently:
Your husband is an addict.
He rages at you.
He is pressuring to have another child, but he isn’t careful about keeping substances away from places your child will be.
You have a job, and you do most of the at home stuff.
Because your husband is an addict.
Couple of things: ultimatums don’t work unless you mean them.
If you tell him you want him to get treatment and he pushes back, what then?
The other thing: children in addict families see a lot more than we think they do, and understand a lot more than we think they do.
You and your child sound like you are in a risky situation now.
Bringing another child into it just isn’t a good idea.
My opinion only.
Good luck.
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Old 11-11-2017, 03:12 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Ask yourself what you would say to your child down the road when she's dating/in a relationship. What would you say to her if she was with such a man ?

Parents need to be role models for their children, regardless of gender. Your husband should be setting the bar high for your daughter to one day figure out what she wants and doesn't want in a partner.
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Old 11-11-2017, 03:26 PM   #11 (permalink)
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As Maudcat said, ultimatums don't work unless you are very serious about following through.

I understand you have no family members to help you with a move. I hope you know that there are other options. Your husband rages at you - it doesn't matter that it's not physical...yet. Abuse is abuse. Please check out the information below. There are resources that can help you and your child should you decide to leave:

National Domestic Abuse Hotline (US)

Abuse Defined The National Domestic Violence Hotline

The National Domestic Violence Hotline (US)

International Directory of Domestic Violence Agencies

Canada: Home ę HotPeachPages International
Canada: domestic violence information ę HotPeachPages International
UK: call Women’s Aid at 0808 2000 247.
https://www.qld.gov.au/community/get...-getting-help/
call 1800RESPECT at 1800 737 732.
Worldwide: visit International Directory of Domestic Violence Agencies for a global list of helplines and crisis center
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Old 11-12-2017, 07:18 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Hi, subwife.
How are you doing today?
Quick note about group support programs like Nar-Anon and Al-Anon.
They are 12 step programs, and the companion programs to NA and AA.
They have a spiritual aspect, but they are not religious, per se.
You don’t have to believe in God.
I don’t, and I get so much out of Al-Anon that it isn’t funny.
They exist to offer support to people who are troubled and impacted by a loved one’s alcohol and/or drug addiction.
At meetings you will meet people who have been right where you are now.
It can be a tremendous source of support for you.
On another note, I re read your recent post, and words like “afraid” and “raging” jumped out at me.
It sounds like a less than ideal situation you have.
There are options, though they may not seem evident to you now.
I hope you will keep coming back to SR, as there is wonderful support here.
Good thoughts.
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Old 11-12-2017, 12:16 PM   #13 (permalink)
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so why wasn't the first baby enough to keep him clean?

his "rationale" makes zero sense. except that it would be much harder for you to leave him saddled with a second kid. people that truly WANT to change, that can SEE the wreckage they are causing, will get themselves into recovery NOW, not when >>fill in the blank<< happens.

the raging at you is very concerning. and that he is not able to restrain his rage when the child is around. that makes the home-life fear based. he also shows no respect for ensuring the child's safety by not leaving his drug stuff around.

i'm afraid this is not going to get any better unless something drastic happens or changes.
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Old 11-12-2017, 12:44 PM   #14 (permalink)
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I canít imagine the idea that staying an addict will help someoneís career. Itís just going to continue to increase the distance of the inevitable fall.
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Old 11-12-2017, 05:09 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tursiops999 View Post
Hi subwife, I'm sorry for what brings you here. I wouldn't tell you that you have to leave, as that's your decision.

Your husband's "reasons" for needing to use sound a lot like my old reasons. I have a stressful, demanding professional career, and chronic severe back pain. I thought I abused alcohol and pain meds for these reasons. Now that I'm sober a few years, I know that I drank and used because I was addicted, plain and simple. I still have a demanding career and back pain, but now I find healthy ways to manage these stresses, without alcohol or pills.

You don't have to put up with addiction.
Hi tursiops999,

Thank you for the reply. Question: how did you cope with recovery while maintaining your career? Outpatient after work hours? FMLA? What kind of time each week would one have to dedicate to a program to recover and for how many months? My husband makes it sound impossible but if others have done it, there must be a way. I have read the miserable part of detox from suboxone is at least couple of weeks and the post acute withdrawal syndrome (depression, lethargy, etc) from suboxone can go on for many months.

Thanks
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Old 11-12-2017, 05:41 PM   #16 (permalink)
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You're already in a rough situation, if it were me, I would NOT have any more babies while he's in active addiction. You already do all the work at home, as well as a job, so having another baby would put a lot more on you.

I would reconsider having more kids unless he gets clean and stays that way, and treats you and his child A LOT better.
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Old 11-12-2017, 06:58 PM   #17 (permalink)
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Subwife, I think recovery is a personal journey and we all manage it somewhat differently. The main thing though is the intense desire to stay sober. It doesn't sound like your boyfriend feels that motivation. I hope that you focus on you and your child and taking care of yourselves.
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