Friendship advice?
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Minnesota, USA
Posts: 1,468
Friendship advice?
Not sure if this is where to post, move if need be.
The advice needed is about a friendship..
While I was using I had a really good using friend. My last night of drinking was at her place, I don't remember the evening. I'm sure it wasn't good as she hasn't spoken to me since, willingly anyway. I did text her to give her her things back I had at my place and collect my things. It was awkward to say the least, small chat about the weather and nothing of substance. She isn't the type to chat about concerns or anything confrontational..
However she's always claimed and told me she's a good friend, she cares about me, etc... Her brother in law told me I have a good friend in her, Blaaaa Blaaaa. Never seen it besides while using.
Well, we only drank together. I'd try to do sober things with her like I'd text her everyday to go on a walk, we live 4 houses away and our kids have been friends for a year, they are only 2. She never did anything sober with me, alcohol was always involved. She turned down all sober activities. My son walks around the house saying how he loves her daughter and really wants to play with her. That breaks my heart, I want the kids to hang out and play.
I'm not sure I really want a friendship with her.
I don't know if it's because I'm embarrassed or worried about what I did while I was there, beyond what they told me I did. She's already told a bunch of people what I did, people I'm not friends with, as much as I'm embarrassed I'm more upset that I can't trust her.
I'm not sure if it's worth exploring a friendship with her, she does drink daily. That's her thing. I love her daughter and I want our kids to hang out, at my house. I don't really want my her mom around.
I'm conflicted.. Anyone go through something similar!??? Maybe I know the answer and need to move on and my son will soon forget her daughter. If they hang out it'll just be harder in the future to not be around her...
Any advice???
Thank you
The advice needed is about a friendship..
While I was using I had a really good using friend. My last night of drinking was at her place, I don't remember the evening. I'm sure it wasn't good as she hasn't spoken to me since, willingly anyway. I did text her to give her her things back I had at my place and collect my things. It was awkward to say the least, small chat about the weather and nothing of substance. She isn't the type to chat about concerns or anything confrontational..
However she's always claimed and told me she's a good friend, she cares about me, etc... Her brother in law told me I have a good friend in her, Blaaaa Blaaaa. Never seen it besides while using.
Well, we only drank together. I'd try to do sober things with her like I'd text her everyday to go on a walk, we live 4 houses away and our kids have been friends for a year, they are only 2. She never did anything sober with me, alcohol was always involved. She turned down all sober activities. My son walks around the house saying how he loves her daughter and really wants to play with her. That breaks my heart, I want the kids to hang out and play.
I'm not sure I really want a friendship with her.
I don't know if it's because I'm embarrassed or worried about what I did while I was there, beyond what they told me I did. She's already told a bunch of people what I did, people I'm not friends with, as much as I'm embarrassed I'm more upset that I can't trust her.
I'm not sure if it's worth exploring a friendship with her, she does drink daily. That's her thing. I love her daughter and I want our kids to hang out, at my house. I don't really want my her mom around.
I'm conflicted.. Anyone go through something similar!??? Maybe I know the answer and need to move on and my son will soon forget her daughter. If they hang out it'll just be harder in the future to not be around her...
Any advice???
Thank you
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,469
This doesn't sound like someone you would want to spend time with and I don't think you'd want your son to be around her either. Maybe there other avenues for friendship in your area?
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Agree with Anna
I am VERY careful who gets "a seat at my table" in sobriety. No one who isn't trying to live their own best life, whether alcoholic in recovery or normie, gets my time and emotion and investment.
I had to focus on myself (and then on my family after that, THEN friends), as I got sober and at 20+ mo I don't have anyone but people I respect and love in my world. And it's a happy, full place.
I am VERY careful who gets "a seat at my table" in sobriety. No one who isn't trying to live their own best life, whether alcoholic in recovery or normie, gets my time and emotion and investment.
I had to focus on myself (and then on my family after that, THEN friends), as I got sober and at 20+ mo I don't have anyone but people I respect and love in my world. And it's a happy, full place.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, Dreamcatcher.
Welcome.
It sounds, as you state, that she was a drinking buddy, not a friend.
We often lose them from our life when we stop, as the only thing we had in common was drinking together.
Your son is very young. He will make other friends.
Good luck and good thoughts.
Welcome.
It sounds, as you state, that she was a drinking buddy, not a friend.
We often lose them from our life when we stop, as the only thing we had in common was drinking together.
Your son is very young. He will make other friends.
Good luck and good thoughts.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
It doesn't sound like this is something you need to make a hard and fast permanent decision on right now. You could just stay away and focus on your sobriety for a while and encourage your son to make some more friends. If a while down the line you decide that your untrustworthy and actively alcoholic friend leaves a massive gap in your life further down the line you could rekindle the friendship (I'm suspecting that you won't feel the need though).
Also, clearly it's up to you, but I would suggest that if you feel you might owe her an apology then its still worth giving this to her, even if you aren't going to stay in touch. Even if it's along the lines of "Look, I just want to clear the air as I can't really remember much of that last time we drank together, but some mutual friends have hinted at some stuff, so I just want to apologise if I ...." Chances are that you will find this very freeing, and make your decision about continuing the friendship or not less likely to be influenced by fear. Fear is a rotten path to stupid for me.
BB
Also, clearly it's up to you, but I would suggest that if you feel you might owe her an apology then its still worth giving this to her, even if you aren't going to stay in touch. Even if it's along the lines of "Look, I just want to clear the air as I can't really remember much of that last time we drank together, but some mutual friends have hinted at some stuff, so I just want to apologise if I ...." Chances are that you will find this very freeing, and make your decision about continuing the friendship or not less likely to be influenced by fear. Fear is a rotten path to stupid for me.
BB
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Minnesota, USA
Posts: 1,468
Thank you ya'll.
I was hoping our friendship was beyond alcohol and at 1 point I thought it was. Apparently I was kidding myself.
I have no friends, I'm OK with that for now as I'm working on me and my sobriety and re building my family life. Eventually I'll want some friends, and at that time I'm sure I'll have the tools to decide who is good enough, essentially, to be in our lives.
Ending a friendship isn't easy, and I had thought this one was over, I was finally over the daily anger I held on. I held onto to the "why isn't she calling to see if I'm OK, why isn't she checking in, why doesn't she care" if the roles were reversed I'd check in all the time, offer help or a shoulder to cry on even a deaf ear if needed. The relationship had always been a one way street.
When my son was walking around the house saying "I love you Kal kal" it made me feel sad, sad for him. I thought maybe for a second a friendship could have been mended for the kids. That's silly, 1 doesn't stay in a marriage just for the kids as it's more damaging. Maybe i needed to hear it from others who know the alcoholic struggle.
I was hoping our friendship was beyond alcohol and at 1 point I thought it was. Apparently I was kidding myself.
I have no friends, I'm OK with that for now as I'm working on me and my sobriety and re building my family life. Eventually I'll want some friends, and at that time I'm sure I'll have the tools to decide who is good enough, essentially, to be in our lives.
Ending a friendship isn't easy, and I had thought this one was over, I was finally over the daily anger I held on. I held onto to the "why isn't she calling to see if I'm OK, why isn't she checking in, why doesn't she care" if the roles were reversed I'd check in all the time, offer help or a shoulder to cry on even a deaf ear if needed. The relationship had always been a one way street.
When my son was walking around the house saying "I love you Kal kal" it made me feel sad, sad for him. I thought maybe for a second a friendship could have been mended for the kids. That's silly, 1 doesn't stay in a marriage just for the kids as it's more damaging. Maybe i needed to hear it from others who know the alcoholic struggle.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Minnesota, USA
Posts: 1,468
Originally Posted by Berrybean 
It doesn't sound like this is something you need to make a hard and fast permanent decision on right now. You could just stay away and focus on your sobriety for a while and encourage your son to make some more friends. If a while down the line you decide that your untrustworthy and actively alcoholic friend leaves a massive gap in your life further down the line you could rekindle the friendship (I'm suspecting that you won't feel the need though).
Also, clearly it's up to you, but I would suggest that if you feel you might owe her an apology then its still worth giving this to her, even if you aren't going to stay in touch. Even if it's along the lines of "Look, I just want to clear the air as I can't really remember much of that last time we drank together, but some mutual friends have hinted at some stuff, so I just want to apologise if I ...." Chances are that you will find this very freeing, and make your decision about continuing the friendship or not less likely to be influenced by fear. Fear is a rotten path to stupid for me.
BB
Also, clearly it's up to you, but I would suggest that if you feel you might owe her an apology then its still worth giving this to her, even if you aren't going to stay in touch. Even if it's along the lines of "Look, I just want to clear the air as I can't really remember much of that last time we drank together, but some mutual friends have hinted at some stuff, so I just want to apologise if I ...." Chances are that you will find this very freeing, and make your decision about continuing the friendship or not less likely to be influenced by fear. Fear is a rotten path to stupid for me.
BB
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 23
I can totally relate. I posted on here when my one and only friend/drinking partner spilled secrets about me the minute I decided to be sober and felt I needed her the most. It turns out, even though I forgave her, she conveniently has disappeared for the most part. It brought me to my knees, but I'm still sober. You sound very caring and I'm sure the Universe is going to send a true friend your way. Until then, be grateful your son will never remember his Mom being anything but sober and present.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,371
I had a friend who I spent a lot of time with - for several years.
we both worked from home. we both were musical and we both loved to get wasted.
When I wanted to stop drinking, my friend did everything he could to reel me back in, and for a year or so, I'd give in willingly and went back to drinking.
Wasn't so bad when you did it in company right?
When I got sober I saw that the glue binding us together was a shared addiction. There really wasn't anything deeper than that.
When I finally ended up nearly dying from drink, my friend still couldn't understand why I couldn't just binge a little....
so we had to go our separate ways.
It was a great choice for me, and he's still living the way he wants to, from what I hear.
D
we both worked from home. we both were musical and we both loved to get wasted.
When I wanted to stop drinking, my friend did everything he could to reel me back in, and for a year or so, I'd give in willingly and went back to drinking.
Wasn't so bad when you did it in company right?
When I got sober I saw that the glue binding us together was a shared addiction. There really wasn't anything deeper than that.
When I finally ended up nearly dying from drink, my friend still couldn't understand why I couldn't just binge a little....
so we had to go our separate ways.
It was a great choice for me, and he's still living the way he wants to, from what I hear.
D
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Minnesota, USA
Posts: 1,468
Originally Posted by boyml27
I can totally relate. I posted on here when my one and only friend/drinking partner spilled secrets about me the minute I decided to be sober and felt I needed her the most. It turns out, even though I forgave her, she conveniently has disappeared for the most part. It brought me to my knees, but I'm still sober. You sound very caring and I'm sure the Universe is going to send a true friend your way. Until then, be grateful your son will never remember his Mom being anything but sober and present.
Thank you so much
I hope a good friend comes along, it's been a long time since I've had a true friendship, one where I either didn't screw it up because of alcohol or because it's lop sided.The last point you made is the exact reason to remain sober and choose friends wisely!
I hope you're healing from your friend as well!
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
I'll add to my post above....for probably 90-100 days, I pretty much didn't spend time with anyone but my parents. And I went to 82 mtgs in 90 days and slowly - VERY slowly for me, who was always a big extrovert- got to know people in AA and THEN began rekindling friendships I had let slide in the depths of my drinking, usually with one-on-one lunch or dinner.
The full world I refer to - now a robust and fulfilling one- was one I carefully built as I grew more stable in sobriety. Everyone and everything- and my time, which was too precious to me to "waste"- became based on my world in recovery.
It IS hard to let some friendships go but I concur with Berrybean (as usual)- we often find what we want in sobriety, and with whom we want relationships, is vastly different than it was when drinking, and even than we thought it would be when first getting sober.
The full world I refer to - now a robust and fulfilling one- was one I carefully built as I grew more stable in sobriety. Everyone and everything- and my time, which was too precious to me to "waste"- became based on my world in recovery.
It IS hard to let some friendships go but I concur with Berrybean (as usual)- we often find what we want in sobriety, and with whom we want relationships, is vastly different than it was when drinking, and even than we thought it would be when first getting sober.
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