LoveForMe

5 months sober today! ...but still feeling guilty for everything I've done in the past due to drinking.

When and how did you guys learn to forgive yourselves and move on?

DreamCatcher17

Congrats on 5 months!

Have you done any step work?

LoveForMe

No. I haven't really gotten into any programs. I've been sorting this all out on my own. I have the AA book but have yet to really get into it. I've only been to 2 meetings and have a couple of numbers to reach out for a sponsor but I guess a little too nervous to take any action. Don't really know what to expect, I suppose.

biminiblue

Forgiveness for self comes from forgiving others, and by working to stop the behaviors for which amends need to be made.

Some things from the past can be repaired and some can't...in which case acceptance of that is the only course to take.

Have you read any spiritual books? The New Testament? That's what did it for me.

D122y

kate,

ime...at 5 months I was still under that effects of the brain damage from my drinking.

If you are taking meds, there is that too.

I am creeping up on something like 1000 days sober with 2 days where I had a small amount of booze. They were medicinal amounts that couldn't possible have drew out my healing any significant time.

I still see myself obsessing over trivial matters and deeds of my past that altered my life trajectory.

I am happiest when I push those thoughts away and focus on the now and plan for the future.

It is in my quiet time I obsess. I used to obsess all the time, even when I was supposed to be having fun. That has changed and so I know I am getting better.

I obsessed excessively for well over a year. I still obsess everyday, but I am aware and forgive myself always. I am an addict for life. I am an ex active addict. There are going to be lingering issues.

I still crave alcohol. Yesterday, there was free booze available. Nobody would have known. When I see normies and actives drinking, that is when the crave is strongest for me.

I could have had a few and been drunk and been whatever? I got through the crave and am still a sober man. Being a drunk is a joke to me now. It doesn't make sense.

Time healed me. Plus working out. Physical torment beats mental torment. The side benefits are amazing as well.

Thanks.

BixBees505

I suffer terrible guilt over the drinking and associated behavior over what turned out to be my dad’s last year. I deeply deeply regret the opportunities missed, forever. He didn't know, but it prevented completely or stunted many chances for dialogue and closeness. I dont think I will ever forgive myself this. I’m making amends/paying it forward to living family, but it is hard.

Sorry...i think i treated this thread as my own. Kate, I can only say I feel the burn as you do.

Bender

My therapist told me guilt is a wasted emotion. Guilt comes from the feeling of being judged. Likely you are your harshest critic, so stop judging yourself and you will not feel so guilty and forgiveness will come naturally. Keep doing the right thing everyday and you'll feel better.

SnazzyDresser

I told my conscience that if I stayed sober and did my best from now on, we'd be square. That's the deal we made.

MindfulMan

Agreed.

You can't time travel and fix the past.

You can fix yourself and repair whatever relationship damage that was caused by your behavior while drinking/using.

I'm not a big 12 Step person, but I think Step 4 is huge, or some variant of such for getting there, and this applies to people whether they are addicts or not. It helps you acknowledge the past, but not keep reliving it. I don't call them "Character defects," I call them "Scripts that no longer work." I'm working through this with a therapist who is also sober and has sponsored in the past, but doing such in AA can be incredibly effective.

Buddhist meditation practice helps, there is no past or future, just an endless now. We can only act in the present moment.

tomsteve

good on ya for 5 months!
it was a process for me. i didnt just move on. i did that in the past and kept having my past pop up, get major guilt and remorse over it, and try and drink it away. again.and again.and again.it never worked.
i used the program of AA to use my past to learn what makes me tick; looked at why i did what i did, made amends where possible, and worked at changing me and my attitudes.

now my past doesnt haunt me. i can have memories of my past come up and it doesnt bother me. i can say,"yup, that was me. did that and said that. i dont condone my behavior back then and im not that man any more."

Anna

I think forgiveness to ourselves is often hard. It was especially hard for me and it didn't come all at once. I have had to pause and forgive myself numerous times for what I did while drinking. I think it was important for me to remember that I wasn't saying it was okay, but I was putting down the load, in order to move on.

Gottalife

To use a simple example of the AA program in action. Let's say I stole $500 off a friend. I feel bad about that. He will also feel bad about that. He may tell someone. I will worry about that.
So, I take the bull by the horns, go and see the guy, explain what my problem was, ask his forgiveness, and give his $500 back, maybe plus some interest, and ask if there is anything else I can do to square things between us. Part of my explanation will me to acknowledge I was wrong and that I will not behave like that in the future.

Having done all I could to put matters right, what is left to forgive? Self forgiveness is an automatic by-product of doing all we can to clean up the mess we made.

Self forgiveness by trying to put the issue out of your mind is just denial.

least

It took me about six months sober before I felt I could forgive myself for the wrong I had done while drinking. After the drink-induced depression had lifted, I felt better about myself and my worth as a human being.

Congrats on five months sober! Keep going, it gets better.

Stronger2017

Great job on five months! I was only laughing with my wife yesterday about something stupid (and a little funny) I did when drunk. She did remind me though that it was very annoying for her at the time. I guess never forget, but you can learn from it, accept it and then move on. Btw, this is advice I need to follow myself😁

Dee74

Hi Kate

Service work - helping others really helped me - I needed to get out of my own head a little.

The more service work I did the more important the present became and the less the past mattered

something else that helped was someone saying to me - you believe God forgives you right?...

so...whats your excuse for holding out?

Floored me

D

Khaleesi

It’s really hard. My priest asked me who my guilt was helping? Certainly not me.

AA meetings have helped me a LOT. You’re not alone. Other people who have succeeded give me hope.

Hevyn

This was very hard for me - so hard it almost led me back to drinking, which would have been ridiculous & tragic. I finally convinced myself that the drinking me is not the real me. Sounds like a lame excuse, but it was definitely the truth. The authentic me would have never said or done the reckless things the drunk me did. It turned me into a completely different person - a thoughtless, stupid one. She's gone now - and I can't let any more of my life be stolen by guilt and regret.

You're going to be ok, Kate. We're glad you're here with us.

DontRemember

I haven't. but, that's OK. I'll carry what I need to forever is my train of thought and that's OK. I've just accepted and own up to my past,so it can do whatever the hell it wants to.

Eaglelizard

In practical terms, guilt is a feeling of powerlessness. I think I started making a noticeable dent in the guilt (i.e., forgiving myself) when I had addressed, after a lot of effort, about 50% of the personal, financial, and physical issues that drinking had caused me. I think it helps when you show yourself tangible change, and these are things you can actually change. Rome wasn't built in a day, but the second half was probably a bit easier than the first.

LoveForMe

Thank you guys for your replies! They have been encouraging😊

I have been able to accept that those were things I did while I was drinking. And also, in and out if my sobriety. I still don't think I was in my right mind in those short periods without alcohol. I know I wouldn't be that person now.

...as long as I stay away from the bottle!