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I hate alcohol

Old 11-04-2017, 06:51 AM
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I hate alcohol

I've been doing so good but here I am now feeling awful and trying to cure myself from a hangover.

I don't know what happened. It's like the ugly monster took over me and I couldn't do anything to control it. I clearly remember thinking "you are screwing up" as I was walking to the cooler for beer, but it had a hold of me. I have to find a way to kill the monster once and for all. I cannot continue to live like this.

The guilt, anxiety, and sadness is intensified this morning. My plans for today are ruined, and makes me feel even worse about myself. All I'm doing is just sitting here crying feeling sorry for myself. And all for what? Because I lost control.
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Old 11-04-2017, 07:16 AM
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Addiction is a funny... It makes us do things that make absolutely no sense.. Sometimes we forget how much we hate alcohol which is why you hear stories about people clean for years who relapse.

Use this relapse as a reminder. I'd read your post that you just made every day..

Screw alcohol.. You don't need it...
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Old 11-04-2017, 07:18 AM
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Hi, Jillian.
Did something trigger you?
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Old 11-04-2017, 07:31 AM
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Thanks DZ. I know there’s no place for alcohol in my life but somehow lost control.

Maudcat - I can’t say for sure. I had just woken up from a much needed nap. Nothing excited was going on. Maybe that’s why? I don’t know. But I wish I had pulled thru it. The only way I can describe it is that I was being taken over, I couldn’t control myself to not get beer.
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Old 11-04-2017, 07:47 AM
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You CAN control yourself. You can't think you've lost control. You stood up, made the conscious effort to walk to the fridge, and grab the first beer. Nobody forced you.

The cravings can be bad. I still have awful cravings on the weekends. I drink lots and lots of coffee on the weekends because I want to drink alcohol so bad.

You need to find a replacement. Some people, it's sweets or chocolate. Some people drink lots of water. Honestly, don't keep alcohol in your house, I wouldn't have that self control either.

You relapsed, it happens, and it's ok. Learn from it, possibly boredom was a factor? How can you remedy that next time.

Every relapse is a learning experience. Just pick yourself up and try again, you CAN do this.
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Old 11-04-2017, 08:23 AM
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You can control yourself, and it's good to remember that your feelings do not control you. They are just feelings. You can learn to recognize the feeling and let it go.

I'm sorry you're feeling so bad today, but you never have to go through this again.
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Old 11-04-2017, 08:39 AM
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Originally Posted by SaturatedSeize View Post
You CAN control yourself. You can't think you've lost control. You stood up, made the conscious effort to walk to the fridge, and grab the first beer. Nobody forced you.

The cravings can be bad. I still have awful cravings on the weekends. I drink lots and lots of coffee on the weekends because I want to drink alcohol so bad.

You need to find a replacement. Some people, it's sweets or chocolate. Some people drink lots of water. Honestly, don't keep alcohol in your house, I wouldn't have that self control either.

You relapsed, it happens, and it's ok. Learn from it, possibly boredom was a factor? How can you remedy that next time.

Every relapse is a learning experience. Just pick yourself up and try again, you CAN do this.
This is quite harsh. If we could control ourselves we will probably not be here.

@jillian2563 it happens and what is done is done. Go out for a walk, have some fresh air. You will feel better. Remember it's a constant battle and thank life you have a new chance to get sober without major consequences.
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Old 11-04-2017, 08:41 AM
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I think most of us recognize that sense of being on auto-pilot and the feeling of simply not being in control. I have often thought about this and am genuinely baffled by the influence our addictions can have over us.

Maybe think about keeping more distance from alcohol for a while? The walk over the cooler wasn't necessarily going to be long enough to check yourself fully. Addicts are impulsive and need to protect themselves from making mistakes. If you had to get in the car, drive to the store, drive back etc. then there would be more time to analyze where the urge was coming from and stop yourself. Just making it a bit more difficult might have helped.

If you were doing well, you can do well again! You don't have to feel like this again!
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Old 11-04-2017, 08:53 AM
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I guess I should’ve been a little clearer. I meant then cooler at the store. I made the decision to drive to get it. My husband still drinks but not to the extent that I do. There was beer in the fridge all week and I never once felt tempted. I’m not sure what happened but I’m trying to figure it out so that I can learn from this mistake.

Allen Carr’s book makes so much sense to me and I’ve listened to it twice in audio. I’m thinking of going to the library to read it this time instead of listening to it. I’ve written down all the final steps and my plan was to read them everyday but I haven’t done so. I’m putting a reminder in my phone to help me remember.
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Old 11-04-2017, 08:55 AM
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Originally Posted by Hope1989 View Post
This is quite harsh. If we could control ourselves we will probably not be here.
Without wanting to get too far off topic, there are different ways of looking at it. Everyone with addiction problems knows how hard it is to exert control over obsessive thoughts and powerful impulses, but I find it more helpful to recognize that you do have a choice and complete power to make the right decision.

I am no way suggesting I am stronger than anyone else or that anyone struggling is weak. I struggle myself a lot. All of that is stigma and nonsense. Addiction really keeps people from seeing how strong they really are and how free they are to live the kind of lives they want to.

When I relapsed recently, I was frightened by how out of control I was, having got used to being sober and fairly reasonable in my behavior. But I was certainly the one who picked up the drink and I take responsibility for it. It was a bad choice ultimately.

Anyway, just some ideas. In no way contradicting anyone else's views, just rambling...
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Old 11-04-2017, 10:17 AM
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AVRT/RR, great threads on these ideas here on SR in the Secular Connections forum, really resonated with me. Learning about AVRT I realized I'd never be able to 'kill the monster' (in AVRT , the Beast or the desire for alcohol, intoxication) once born It will always exist in me or as a part of me.
AVRT (addictive voice recognition technique) is a technique used to identify and separate from the Bark of the Beast , the AV. The Beast is basically a quadriplegic, the desire itself has no control over our higher or more rational functions . IT can't actually get in a car and drive to the store, IT can't open a bottle and tip it into your mouth and control the swallowing mechanism. IT has to hijack our thinking through the AV ( any idea or image of future consumption, and any doubt in our ability to remain abstinent) and appear to ourselves as our own 'thinking' to get us to decide to get the keys and head to the store .
The decision to Quit , to commit to unconditional life long abstinence (a Big Plan in AVRT) requires acceptance of the existence of the desire and that that desire may always exist .
Planning to not drink only in the abscence of desire is a plan to drink in the presence of desire and not a commitment to abstinence.
People who quit make a promise to themselves to never drink again, no matter what. Make a pledge to yourself to never drink again, even if 'you' want to.
Or better yet , assign the desire to the Beast , recognize , separate from and dismiss Its AV , because if you decide to quit 'you' can't ever 'want' to drink, yeah?
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Old 11-04-2017, 10:49 AM
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I can totally relate to what you're feeling! It happens to the best of us.
Take the time to try to figure out what triggered you to drink, and work from there.
Go to a meeting today, the support will get you back on track.

You're already going good by posting here .
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Old 11-04-2017, 10:59 AM
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Originally Posted by SaturatedSeize View Post
You CAN control yourself. You can't think you've lost control. You stood up, made the conscious effort to walk to the fridge, and grab the first beer. Nobody forced you.

The cravings can be bad. I still have awful cravings on the weekends. I drink lots and lots of coffee on the weekends because I want to drink alcohol so bad.

You need to find a replacement. Some people, it's sweets or chocolate. Some people drink lots of water.
Not meaning to contradict you ,i'm sure you mean well .
By suggesting "you need a replacement " IMO is not helpful .
Take away that replacement and your in trouble and looking for another replacement . this type of thinking is keeping the habit cycle going . What would you do if you ran out of coffee .
What I needed to do was to change my whole way of thinking about what alcohol does to me and once I ACCEPTED that it destroys me in a dozen different ways I didn't need to replace anything .
Admittedly it's taken me quite a few tries and only 3 months sober but I have a whole new understanding about what will happen if I pick up one drink .
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Old 11-04-2017, 11:50 AM
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Originally Posted by dwtbd View Post
The decision to Quit , to commit to unconditional life long abstinence (a Big Plan in AVRT) requires acceptance of the existence of the desire and that that desire may always exist .
I don’t think that will work for me. If the desire is always there and cannot be satisfied by drinking (or not drinking), I’d be miserable. I think anyone would.

Right now I’m still working on Allen Carr’s approach to stop drinking. I truly want to be free. With no desire to drink at all.
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Old 11-04-2017, 11:52 AM
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Originally Posted by Thomas59 View Post
Not meaning to contradict you ,i'm sure you mean well .
By suggesting "you need a replacement " IMO is not helpful .
Take away that replacement and your in trouble and looking for another replacement . this type of thinking is keeping the habit cycle going . What would you do if you ran out of coffee .
What I needed to do was to change my whole way of thinking about what alcohol does to me and once I ACCEPTED that it destroys me in a dozen different ways I didn't need to replace anything .
Admittedly it's taken me quite a few tries and only 3 months sober but I have a whole new understanding about what will happen if I pick up one drink .
I agree Thomas. Replacing alcohol with a substitute doesn’t seem helpful.
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Old 11-04-2017, 01:02 PM
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Originally Posted by Jillian2563 View Post
I don’t think that will work for me. If the desire is always there and cannot be satisfied by drinking (or not drinking), I’d be miserable. I think anyone would.

Right now I’m still working on Allen Carr’s approach to stop drinking. I truly want to be free. With no desire to drink at all.
By always there I meant that the desire is not totally removed , the experience of feeling the desire for alcohol can/will 'pop up' fro time to time.
A Big Plan is what you plan to do when/if the Beast lets you know IT wants some more booze, and that is to ignore it. A Big Plan gives you the confidence to know you can/will remain abstinent no matter how active the Beast happens to be.
I used to love to get drunk, loved the feeling of getting and keeping a buzz going, that was the birth of my Beast . I no longer drink in spite of that , too bad for the Beast , IT wants me to start loving it again , to get ITs booze.
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Old 11-04-2017, 05:07 PM
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Originally Posted by dwtbd View Post
By always there I meant that the desire is not totally removed , the experience of feeling the desire for alcohol can/will 'pop up' fro time to time.
A Big Plan is what you plan to do when/if the Beast lets you know IT wants some more booze, and that is to ignore it. A Big Plan gives you the confidence to know you can/will remain abstinent no matter how active the Beast happens to be.
I used to love to get drunk, loved the feeling of getting and keeping a buzz going, that was the birth of my Beast . I no longer drink in spite of that , too bad for the Beast , IT wants me to start loving it again , to get ITs booze.
I believe the desire can be removed completely.
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Old 11-04-2017, 05:31 PM
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HI Jillian

The best thing I got out of Alan Carr was to stop and examine what I wanted that drink to do - was I scared, angry, fed up, bored...?

Was it a reasonable expectation that drinking would change things positively for me and get me what I want - without having to deal with negative consequences?

If we're honest, the answer for all of us should be no.

So, how else might I/you deal with fear anger boredom or whatever in a positive way without drinking?

D
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Old 11-04-2017, 05:40 PM
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Originally Posted by Jillian2563 View Post
I guess I should’ve been a little clearer. I meant then cooler at the store. I made the decision to drive to get it. My husband still drinks but not to the extent that I do. There was beer in the fridge all week and I never once felt tempted. I’m not sure what happened but I’m trying to figure it out so that I can learn from this mistake.

Allen Carr’s book makes so much sense to me and I’ve listened to it twice in audio. I’m thinking of going to the library to read it this time instead of listening to it. I’ve written down all the final steps and my plan was to read them everyday but I haven’t done so. I’m putting a reminder in my phone to help me remember.
Hi Jillian, glad your back here posting. And.. I too hate what alcohol has done to my life.
As for Allen Carr's approach, I really hope it works for you.
I tried it and it didn't work for me. Perhaps I didn't put in enough effort or just wasn't plain ready to fully accept my situation. Also tried Annie Grace's approach which is based off Allen Carr's book. I could understand the concept behind it but was unable to adapt any of it into my life.
Good luck and god bless
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Old 11-04-2017, 09:59 PM
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Originally Posted by Jillian2563 View Post
I believe the desire can be removed completely.
Acting on the desire is removed completely with a Big Plan: "I will never drink again , and I will never change my mind".

From the millisecond after making a BP the Beast is walled off , put in a cage, is no longer free to use the AV to get You to give IT booze.

Any thought or image of future drinking , or doubt in your own ability to remain abstinent is recognized as AV and dismissed.

A Big Plan works whether the desire vanishes or not, drinking simply isn't an option in either case.

Your AV hopes you will not drink only when the desire is removed, turn the tables on IT and let it know you won't drink even before 'then'.
You can do it, Rootin for ya
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