A long, haunting, life or death struggle with alcohol
 

I am new to this site, and was looking for the place to basically share my story and where I am at. I don't have much of a support system for trying to get sober once and for all. And tomorrow, I'm going to try again.

I'm 28 and I've been drinking since I was 18. I've struggled with other substances too off and on to various degrees as well, but alcohol has always been my main demon, and the demon of my father's and grandfathers. And the demon that I am now more sure than ever is likely to kill me and do it soon if I don't change.

Started drinking socially after growing up with an alcoholic father. Didn't heed the warning signs, and it was college. By the time I reached the beginning of my sophomore year I was frequently binge drinking, blackouts, trouble on campus. This continued to increase in severity until I dropped out just shy of graduations after 8 semesters.

Out of school I took a nose dive. Minimum ten beers or two pints of liquor everynight for about a year, very rare exceptions. Got into pills, coke, and just about anything else I could get into my bloodstream. After reaching a terrifying amount of drugs debt, I came clean to my father. One of the only times I ever saw this man cry until his death.

So here began what I like to call, the tour of failed sobriety. My father paid all my drug debts on the condition that i check into rehab. 30 days here, a week there, two times admitted to mental hospital, meetings and medications, excursions And diatractions. And before you knew it after a short period of sobriety from absolutely everything following my second hospital visit for suicidal tendencies, I was back and more intense than ever.

Started injecting pills, several different kinds. All the while staying drunk nearly 24 hours a day. Stealing from family, friends, homes and businesses to fund this new extreme. Robbing storage units empty. And that decision was the most important mistake I have had made to this point. I was arrested after running from the police after being caught robbing one of these units.

Burglary. Theft. Felonies. I was in jail. Graduated 13th in my class, was given every major music award my school gave, voted most talented, scholarships. Seemed like a different life. Now a felon. Or so I thought.

72 hours after my arrest one of my drug dealers showed up and bailed me out. My bail was set at 25000, so 2500 got me out for the time being. Now I was his employee to pay off the debt, and was living with him. Back on the needle, all the home made wine I could drink.

Luckily, since I had no former issues with the police I was eligible for probation and diversion of the charges if I could stay in line for two years. And deep down I knew for sure that this was it. Survive this and get a second, second chance or go to prison.

I lived with the dealer for two months and then we got in a very bad fight. I left to the only place left to go which was my mom's house. After about another two months of co dependent drug use there, I made one good decision and left the area to stay with an ex girlfriend of mine who I knew for a fact didn't use or drink.

Nearly 3 years of zero drug use and much milder drinking. Maybe 6 beers a day, nearly no liquor. And a good job, even got promoted to supervisor of a maximum security prison unit ironically. My ex was no longer my ex and we became extremely close and extremely in love. Things were great and I thought I had figured things out.

March 4th of this year 2017, my father passed away very early in the morning right in front of me from cancer, liver cancer. He failed to properly swallow liquid medication I had given him daily with no issue, aspirated and the medicene slipped into his lungs. I, with much of my family that was helping care for him present in the room, administered high doses of liquid morphine to my father as instructed by the nurse on the phone. He suffocated on the medication I gave him, right there in front of me, as I was told to sedate him basically to death.

There is no way to describe the incredible downward spiral. Stole his pain medication and began to buy pills of the street again. Ramped up the drinking. Once my girlfriend found out about me stealing his pills, that was that. Another horrible loss in the same month. I took what I inherited from my father and ran 3 states away.

Now here I am. Some money in my pocket, a comfortable place to live, and never in my life have I drank so much. I am shredding my insides.

Non-stop intake, only stopping while I'm at work and I barely work. I am on medication that makes it so I can longer get high from pills, but the alcohol is very intense at this stage. And I am feeling the physical effects like never before.

I've gained 20 pounds but I hardly eat, i cant eat much even when I force it unless I smoke cannabis. A lot of cannabis. Constant stomach aches, bad shakes even when I drink, dissassociative feelings, no physical activity when I'm at home, and extreme sadness about my losses.

I'm scared to be honest because it has never felt this way physically. I'm getting little good sleep, and trying to supplement food with vitamins, but I can feel myself getting weaker. The physical anguish is what brought me to write this tonight, and it's going to be the last straw. I have to stop.

I'm not interested in rehab, groups or anything of the sort. The only times I effectively stopped was because I wanted to. I want to stop, because if I don't I will die and I feel like it will be soon. I'm 28. I want to live a little longer. So I have to stop.

I'm tapering myself right now because I am afraid of withdrawal becoming serious. I can handle the discomfort, but I don't want the seizures or the delirium. As I sit here I am drinking the 6th beer in a 24 hour period and it's hard to choke them down. No food in two days period. I'm drinking a ton of water, which I've always done even while drinking. But I feel horrible at the moment.

I am posting this because I don't have anyone to talk to about it anymore and I need to get all of this out somewhere. I hope I haven't broken any forum rules or gone on for too long. Basically I'm just asking for a little encouragement even from strangers. I don't want to die from this. And I'm not going to. And if I have done anything wrong by posting this please let me know and I will take it down. I don't believe in God or anything like that, but if you do please pray for me. This is the short story of things so you can imagine the full feature. Thanks for listening.

Welcome Tobrien0817, you will certainly have plenty of people to talk to here. I was a druggie drunk for over 40 years, now 7 years no booze, 6 years no crack, and 5 years no cigs, so you can quit. I hope you do so at your age. Although there is more to life than money, your gonna need that 200 grand or so when you get my age, rootin for ya. :egypt:

Welcome to SR, Tobrien! I'm glad you found us here. I'm sorry for the struggles and pain that you have dealt with but the good news is that there's hope. If you truly want to quit it can be done! :grouphug:

I drank for 25 years with a bit of drug use thrown in for good measure but five years ago I stopped. AVRT was the tool that helped me save my life, maybe it can help save yours.

Your story is very sad and I am sorry for your two recent personal losses. There definitely is hope. Remember alcohol is a depressant and will only make you feel worse. Good on you for tapering it down. Read and post often whatever it takes to get through this.

Glad you're here, reading and posting.

Yes - it's a battle we can't win. It's more a case of fully conceeding defeat and withdrawing from the battle.

Personally I have my doubts about tapering - especially alone, but you get to choose how you do (or don't) stop drinking. There are anough threads on here about that though if you want to read about it.

I would suggest opening your mind a little more to some of the other options that are available to support you. Of course, your AV (alcoholic voice) will put up a big wall against them. And while you're still feeding the beast (which you are doing while 'tapering') that voice will be LOUD.

Anyway. You'll definitely be in my prayers. Why not just try a prayer or two of your own. What can it hurt?

Anyway - I hope you stick around, keep reading and keep posting.

BB

Tob,

Welcome aboard.

Imo....Wanting to quit is half the battle won.

I'm ultra clean for nearly 30 months and I still suffer the effects of my booze addiction daily.

I quit once, at 28, for 8 months. It was so easy, I started drinking again. Big mistake.

I take no meds except some vits and I still crave sometimes.

I work out 4 to 6 days a week. That is my new drug.

I attend a few AA meetings to see my siblings in sobriety f2f periodically. But, I am not a 12 stepper. It sort of freaks me out. But, many of my virtual friends here are 12 steppers and I cherish their input.

The brain damage is real. The addiction is for life. Drugs alter dopemin production and that is why we crave them. That quick brain numbing euphoria.
It is living in a fantasy world. It is pathetic and sad. It is science.

My self study about addiction, courtesy of the Internet (SR), has saved my life so far.

I am not a one day at a time person, unless I need to be some days.

I am a non drinker. I don't do drugs.

I was overdosing on coffee and sodium filled foods during my active addiction and since quitting. I recently stoped coffee and am watching my sodium intake and I feel like a new man...on top of being squeeky clean.

Hope this helps you.

Thanks.

Welcome to SR. Posting is a great start, so is really wanting to quit. So sorry to hear what you have been through. I have been through some painful losses too and they definitely ramped up my addiction at the time. For now focus on staying sober. It is possible to end this nightmare. Take it one day at a time. I don't do groups either......but don't write off the option if you need the extra help. The sense of connection and being part of a community on SR really helps. Keep posting.
Support to you.

Welcome tobrien. No that you are not alone in your struggle & that you will find much support & encouragement here. Be kind to yourself, you deserve it

Welcome! Stay close.

Hi and welcome Tobrien

I;m very sorry for your loss and the circumstances in which that happened.

You have a number of things in your favour tho - chiefly that you're young - however deep you feel the hole is, you have every chance in the world to make it out into the sun again and live a long and happy life :)

Many of us were twice your age before we quit.

Of course support helps and you'll find a lot of that here :)

also - if you feel you need medical assistance, take it. I'd much rather be slightly embarrassed than very ill, or worse.

D

Welcome, Tobrien. The good news is, you are 28. That's when my use really kicked up a notch--for 17 years. 9 months sober today and I'm glad I listened to the folks on this board who basically advised to get sober and gut it out until the brain rewires itself (this might be a euphemism for removing head from posterior). You feel like you have let yourself down in life, but I have a feeling you will clean right up if you put your mind to it, and in a couple years you will be singing a much different tune. We are free to do what we want to do.

Hi Tobrien, I am a person that also rarely cries, but I just did. I have a daughter around your age and your story just kind of hit me with a feeling yes I am lucky my daughter has found her well in life, but also a feeling of what if, and an overwhelming sadness for you. Then I felt better because you are seeking help ON YOUR OWN. You want to stop and you are going too!! You are young and can do it T. One day, one hour, one minute, fight it. You know it's not going to be easy, but it is a fight for your life so treat as such. Everyone on here knows what you are feeling as many have been there and everyone one of us are cheering for you! You are already and will be in my prayers.

Hi Tobrien,

I wish I had some perfect advice for you. I really, honestly believe that can get through this though. It will be a gradual process, but I'd like to think that if you can stay clean, you can make up for some of the things in your past that you feel guilty about.

I don't say that in a negative way about you personally. We can't erase what we've done in the past. But it sure does feel good to balance out the karma.

Good luck.

Wanting to quit is a big part of the battle, I feel for you. We all have our stories and they are all heartbreaking and I want for you to be sober with every ounce I can give. It sounds like you are very talented and have a lot of potential to really be someone who can do something in this world! Stay strong

Welcome Tobrien! Your story has moved me to tears - please stay close to this forum, we are here for you! Do you have a doctor you can go to and who can help with the withdrawals?

Thank you for your post Tobrien0817,

I can feel your pain especially when you talk about the dead of your father to cancer. I experienced that (someone i loved very much died of terminal cancer when i was 20) and blamed and auto destroyed myself for many years over that.

Alcohol is a depressant everything is sadder and more dramatic while you are on that frame of thinking. face to face support is very important it has helped me.
meeting other people hearing their stories knowing that it can be done is powerful specially because drugs and alcohol has changed the way we think our thinking is screw.

you are so young get out now before some bad things start to happen I'm sure your dad would love to see you are well. i wish you well I'm rooting for you.

please keep posting SR is a great place.

Please stay using these forums, you will have so much support!
Many have been through what you have, and will have ideas to help you along the way. :).
Good luck and KEEP COMING BACK.

Welcome to the Forum Tobrien!! :wave:

How are you doing, Tobrien?

D

Thank you everyone
 

I can't say enough how much I appreciate the support. I wasn't even expecting two replies. My situation hasn't improved much but I'm still hopeful. I am basically at a crossroads with myself right now, especially as far as my physical health is concerned.

Without hearing much in the way of encouragement for a very long time from anyone going through the same thing, this means the world to me. Thank you to everyone once again, and hopefully I can figure this out soon.