Need some supportive words
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 86
Need some supportive words
I have been sober since August 21st. I am in outpatient recovery and it has been a great experience. I am fully committed to my recovery. Prior to my sober date, I had tried and failed many times. The last time I realized that I need to quit or I'll be dead soon. I have no other choice.
Well my father, who is a great man but an alcoholic himself is coming to visit me for a week - to see the grandbabies. Him and his wife are coming today. I know that there will be drinking - he drinks vodka heavily. I know he expects me to drink with him as usual. I wanted him to come visit, as I have not been tested in my sobriety up until this point and I felt that I have progressed enough that it's time to face some tests - I can't hide and not see anyone forever.
I am picking them up from the airport in an hour and I know when we sit down to dinner tonight, it will be expected that I drink. I am all of a sudden shaking and queasy thinking of how that interaction will be. I know he probably won't care and I have a pretty good excuse - I've started to get headaches, which is true and I get up at 5/6am every day because I have two new borns - so drinking just doesn't work. But I'm still terrified. I know I won't drink, but the anticipation is killing me.
Any words of advice?
Well my father, who is a great man but an alcoholic himself is coming to visit me for a week - to see the grandbabies. Him and his wife are coming today. I know that there will be drinking - he drinks vodka heavily. I know he expects me to drink with him as usual. I wanted him to come visit, as I have not been tested in my sobriety up until this point and I felt that I have progressed enough that it's time to face some tests - I can't hide and not see anyone forever.
I am picking them up from the airport in an hour and I know when we sit down to dinner tonight, it will be expected that I drink. I am all of a sudden shaking and queasy thinking of how that interaction will be. I know he probably won't care and I have a pretty good excuse - I've started to get headaches, which is true and I get up at 5/6am every day because I have two new borns - so drinking just doesn't work. But I'm still terrified. I know I won't drink, but the anticipation is killing me.
Any words of advice?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, 4MyMel.
Your sobriety is hard won, and I would guard it carefully.
No one, repeat no one, can make you drink.
Be honest, straightforward. You are not drinking anymore.
Period.
Don’t argue. Don’t justify. This is your decision and it is a good one., I would have given them a heads up in advance, but that’s me.
Good luck. Hope it goes well.
Your sobriety is hard won, and I would guard it carefully.
No one, repeat no one, can make you drink.
Be honest, straightforward. You are not drinking anymore.
Period.
Don’t argue. Don’t justify. This is your decision and it is a good one., I would have given them a heads up in advance, but that’s me.
Good luck. Hope it goes well.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 86
Originally Posted by Maudcat 
Hi, 4MyMel.
Your sobriety is hard won, and I would guard it carefully.
No one, repeat no one, can make you drink.
Be honest, straightforward. You are not drinking anymore.
Period.
Don’t argue. Don’t justify. This is your decision and it is a good one., I would have given them a heads up in advance, but that’s me.
Good luck. Hope it goes well.
Your sobriety is hard won, and I would guard it carefully.
No one, repeat no one, can make you drink.
Be honest, straightforward. You are not drinking anymore.
Period.
Don’t argue. Don’t justify. This is your decision and it is a good one., I would have given them a heads up in advance, but that’s me.
Good luck. Hope it goes well.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
“More for you, Dad. How about those (insert sports team of choice here)?”
You say it’s likely he won’t care...so maybe it’s your AV working on you?
I thought it would be a big deal to my mother...she just kept forgetting and offering me wine. It wasn’t malicious, just clueless.
If you have newborns, they will be the focus, not your drinking, yes?
You can do this.
You say it’s likely he won’t care...so maybe it’s your AV working on you?
I thought it would be a big deal to my mother...she just kept forgetting and offering me wine. It wasn’t malicious, just clueless.
If you have newborns, they will be the focus, not your drinking, yes?
You can do this.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 86
Originally Posted by Ariesagain
“More for you, Dad. How about those (insert sports team of choice here)?”
You say it’s likely he won’t care...so maybe it’s your AV working on you?
I thought it would be a big deal to my mother...she just kept forgetting and offering me wine. It wasn’t malicious, just clueless.
If you have newborns, they will be the focus, not your drinking, yes?
You can do this.
You say it’s likely he won’t care...so maybe it’s your AV working on you?
I thought it would be a big deal to my mother...she just kept forgetting and offering me wine. It wasn’t malicious, just clueless.
If you have newborns, they will be the focus, not your drinking, yes?
You can do this.
ours de petit cerveau
Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: London, UK
Posts: 1,630
if you don't want to make a big deal of it, if it comes up just say "I'm not drinking at the moment" & move on to the next topic of conversation - no need to justify it.
good luck - you can do it
good luck - you can do it
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
I would have said that I am not drinking alcohol at the moment. I wouldn’t have made a huge deal out of it.
In fact, when I told family members that I was no longer drinking alcohol, it had come up in a casual conversation about an upcoming event.
I understand that you would like to keep your recovery private, but your post indicated that there would be an expectation from your drinking father that you would drink with him and it was making you anxious.
Letting them know ahead of time would dial that expectation back a bit, don’t you think?
“Remember, Dad. I told you I wasn’t drinking anymore because it gives me headaches?”
I am not judging, just thinking that you’re telling them now at the beginning of their visit might create some tension that may have an impact on the visit and on your recovery.
Anyway, just to repeat, not judging.
In fact, when I told family members that I was no longer drinking alcohol, it had come up in a casual conversation about an upcoming event.
I understand that you would like to keep your recovery private, but your post indicated that there would be an expectation from your drinking father that you would drink with him and it was making you anxious.
Letting them know ahead of time would dial that expectation back a bit, don’t you think?
“Remember, Dad. I told you I wasn’t drinking anymore because it gives me headaches?”
I am not judging, just thinking that you’re telling them now at the beginning of their visit might create some tension that may have an impact on the visit and on your recovery.
Anyway, just to repeat, not judging.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 86
Originally Posted by Maudcat
I would have said that I am not drinking alcohol at the moment. I wouldn’t have made a huge deal out of it.
In fact, when I told family members that I was no longer drinking alcohol, it had come up in a casual conversation about an upcoming event.
I understand that you would like to keep your recovery private, but your post indicated that there would be an expectation from your drinking father that you would drink with him and it was making you anxious.
Letting them know ahead of time would dial that expectation back a bit, don’t you think?
“Remember, Dad. I told you I wasn’t drinking anymore because it gives me headaches?”
I am not judging, just thinking that you’re telling them now at the beginning of their visit might create some tension that may have an impact on the visit and on your recovery.
Anyway, just to repeat, not judging.
In fact, when I told family members that I was no longer drinking alcohol, it had come up in a casual conversation about an upcoming event.
I understand that you would like to keep your recovery private, but your post indicated that there would be an expectation from your drinking father that you would drink with him and it was making you anxious.
Letting them know ahead of time would dial that expectation back a bit, don’t you think?
“Remember, Dad. I told you I wasn’t drinking anymore because it gives me headaches?”
I am not judging, just thinking that you’re telling them now at the beginning of their visit might create some tension that may have an impact on the visit and on your recovery.
Anyway, just to repeat, not judging.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 86
Originally Posted by Maudcat
Congratulations on your sobriety, btw. Brilliant!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: milwaukee wi
Posts: 3,574
sorry but just have too.. Supportive Words..
Bandaid
soda for the tummy
ice pack
hot tea
cold spoon
wet sock
lemon aid
first aid
say aaahhhahahah
bend over
can you see this... hand waving
if it hurts when you do that stop .. it will not hurt anymore..
hahahahahah sorry.. just had to .. Great Grand Dad Ivan is following me around today.. love and prayers ardy
Bandaid
soda for the tummy
ice pack
hot tea
cold spoon
wet sock
lemon aid
first aid
say aaahhhahahah
bend over
can you see this... hand waving
if it hurts when you do that stop .. it will not hurt anymore..
hahahahahah sorry.. just had to .. Great Grand Dad Ivan is following me around today.. love and prayers ardy
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
if theyre staying at your house, shouldnt it be possible to set boundaries, like no alcohol in your house?
you could make excuses, but when does that stop? why not be honest?
you could make excuses, but when does that stop? why not be honest?
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,496
Congratulations on your recovery!
I don't make a big deal out of not drinking. I think it's important to remember 'No, thanks' is a perfectly acceptable response.
That said, I never have or serve alcohol in my home. It's my safe place.
I don't make a big deal out of not drinking. I think it's important to remember 'No, thanks' is a perfectly acceptable response.
That said, I never have or serve alcohol in my home. It's my safe place.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
I hear you, 4.
You are right. You don’t have to justify your choices to anyone, and, as you have mentioned, your dad will probably be fine with it.
Is what it is. I hope it’s a great visit and your father can put in some serious grandbaby time.
You are right. You don’t have to justify your choices to anyone, and, as you have mentioned, your dad will probably be fine with it.
Is what it is. I hope it’s a great visit and your father can put in some serious grandbaby time.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,427
I hope saying no doesn't cause tension, but if it does I'd rather outer tension over me standing by what it is right, over inner tension from me doing what I know is the wrong thing for myself, my wife and kids.
My father is not the head of the household in my home.
D
My father is not the head of the household in my home.
D
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
You can politely and firmly decline. If tension is created? Well, there's not much you can do about other peoples' tension....just deal with your own tension as best you can. Just know that when you take a stand on some things in life there is going to be some tension too because not everyone is going to feel comfortable with your stand. So, while many of us think tension is a "bad" thing to be avoided...in a way, tension is inevitable...
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
Don't compromise your Sobriety for anyone or anything, that is the bottom line.
For me I needed to also "handle" my father very assertively, he was an alcoholic also, and it's important not to blur the lines, not let his drinking issue affect my recovery, because it's very easy to do, there's nostalgia, there's sentimentalism, there's arguments based on family, blood, and frankly it's all nonsense, your recovery is yours, and his alcoholism is his.
You can do this, I wouldn't wait till dinner though to break the news, plan and get your boundaries set up long before so everyone knows the situation of you not drinking at dinner!!
For me I needed to also "handle" my father very assertively, he was an alcoholic also, and it's important not to blur the lines, not let his drinking issue affect my recovery, because it's very easy to do, there's nostalgia, there's sentimentalism, there's arguments based on family, blood, and frankly it's all nonsense, your recovery is yours, and his alcoholism is his.
You can do this, I wouldn't wait till dinner though to break the news, plan and get your boundaries set up long before so everyone knows the situation of you not drinking at dinner!!
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