Upsidedown23

Hey everyone, hope you're doing well.
Hoping for some advice please...

while my bf is in rehab, I decided to take you advice and work on myself and my own happiness etc... I've been enjoying doing so, reading lots of books, listening to talks online, treating myself kindly, etc.

But for the last few weeks, the world seems to be falling down for a lot of the people in my life.

I have a friend who is going through some health problems, as well as a grandmother in hospital after a stroke.
One friend has just gone through a tough break up, another is talking about divorce also. A close relative is struggling with possible PND.

And all of them have come to me for support and comfort. I want to help people and be there for them whenever I can and I feel glad that people feel they can talk to me when they need help... but right now, for the first time in my life, I'm trying to put myself and my own happiness first.

A part of me feels very selfish for wanting to say 'I'm focussing on my own happiness right now, I am not in a position to help you' but then another part of me feels a little resentful at how much they are all piling on top of me. Must also add that none of them have really asked how I'm doing or how I'm coping with the bf in rehab, my sick grandmother etc.

I'm not sure how I should be approaching al this, do I stick to my guns and carry on working on myself. Or should I be thinking of others at this time?

So lost!

SaturatedSeize

Honestly, you are no good to anybody if you aren't feeling good and centered. This is your life, it's a short one, and you need to be happy in it.

Upsidedown23

Thank you, that was my gut feeling also.

Hawkeye13

stick to your guns and honor your needs

you can be supportive but not have to drop what you are doing for you
to attend to them

that's the very habit you are trying to break--addicts aren't the only ones
who codependent people "rescue".

It's really an opportunity the universe is sending you here to see the pattern
clearly and change it

Hang in there

doggonecarl

Sorry to hear about your troubles, especially your grandmother. Prayers for her recovery.

This is probably the pattern you've established. People come to you for a sympathetic ear, while you don't burden anyone with your troubles. Is that the case?

If so, you can't resent people for doing what they've always been doing. You've set yourself up as the go-to-person. Yes, people should be sympathetic to your troubles, especially if you've shared those troubles with these folks. But most people are stuck in their own troubles...not yours.

You have every right to tell people you need time, space, support, a sympathetic ear of your own. Tell them. People aren't mind readers. But what are they really asking you for? To listen to them? That doesn't seem so much. And it becomes an opportunity for you to ask them for a shoulder to lean on.

Upsidedown23

Thanks. Yes I do try to lend a sympathetic ear always, but it's when I'm being asked to stop what I'm doing at the last minute to go out and do something just to kill time because the other person is bored... I've set myself a schedule for the next couple of weeks in an attempt to sort out the various parts of my life which have become disorganised etc. I'm terrible at following through on the things I need to do for myself and I finally feel motivated to take action. But if I tell the other person that, I'm met with a very similar reaction as you gave... the kind of 'I'm not asking for much, why can't you just do it?' type thing.

doggonecarl

I repeat: You have every right to tell people you need time, space, support, a sympathetic ear of your own.

Don't worry about reaction. Mine or theirs.

Ariesagain

If you’re in a typical “giver” pattern, everyone is used to you doing what they need. I think it’s healthy for you to start focusing on your own needs and if your at your limit with others, its perfectly okay to say so.

Practice, yes? “Not today, thanks.” And then stop talking. You don’t have to justify or defend your right to your space.

This will serve you well in the future if you can learn at your core that your needs are as valid as anyone’s.

Wishing you well.

Anna

I think it's so important to learn to say 'No' and to feel okay about it. You are learning to care for yourself and that is the foundation of your life. The fact you feel unable to be there for others right now is fine. Life ebbs and flows and when you are strong and entered, you may, once again, help out those around you.

FreeOwl

solitude, self time, processing time, restorative practice, space to recharge and release are all vital to our wellness.

we all need to be able to express and honor our needs and our boundaries.

tomsteve

im glad ya recognize the problem,Upsidedown(hopefully,with work on you, that can turn int Rightsideup!).
even though i was quite a self centered drunk, i was good at droppin what i was doin to help others. i also had a habit of,when id hear someone needed help, id volunteer- feeling i had to.
when i was early in recovery, it was a little overwhelming. running in circles with circus music playin in my head- tryin to work on me and tryin to help others.
i was told that early recovery was the perfect time to be selfish and put me first. i had to be selfish and help myself so i could learn the proper way to be selfless and help others.

on this:
But if I tell the other person that, I'm met with a very similar reaction as you gave... the kind of 'I'm not asking for much, why can't you just do it?' type thing

i used to complicate replies, until i learned im allowed to keep it simple and say,"because i said so."
i dont have a duty to give a detailed explaination.
their response or how they feel about me after aint my problem.

tomsteve

p.s.
imo, theres a difference between lending a sympathetic ear and letting people "just vent."
i dont do good at letting people "just vent' since i got a backbone.

teatreeoil007

Sometimes you need to put your own needs first, period. And, no one is going to do that for you. Know what those needs are. If people are dragging you down or if you get that "feeling" of being dragged down and bogged down by others, take note of that and figure out how to set better boundaries.Hopefully, your friends and family will respect the boundaries or at least not get offended when you try to set boundaries.

I agree with some of what others have indicated: Perhaps you've kind of established yourself as a go-to person and there's nothing wrong with that....it's a wonderful trait to have...but take a look at how it might be affecting you. I'm guessing you already have taken a look/feel of that, thus you started this thread.

I know I need to "check in" on MYSELF and recognize when someone else's sharing and problems are weighing me down.

So, what can I do about this? DISENGAGE. I am naturally an "engaging" person...it's just how I'm wired. But it's probably not healthy to become peoples' "wailing wall".

Because I have a lot of compassion for others...this is an ongoing exercise for me..."disengage" and do so with grace and without hurting the other person's feelings.

Know when it's getting to be too much, figure out what YOU need to be healthy and then learn how to set boundaries for yourself.

teatreeoil007

So if you want to set boundaries/limits with others but don't know how to do that, where do you start?

One thing that helps me is to look to others who I think are good at it and learn from them. How do they"word" things? What is coming off their spirit?

I have to set limits with others, yes....but I also need to set limits for myself and know what my limits are. I just can't do it all.... older I get the more I realize that...I don't know if it's just me not keeping up as well or if it's just me realizing a greater need to SIMPLIFY.

Life can be complicated. Things get too busy. Faster pace? Well, sometimes we just need to slow down...just slow down and simplify. So, in my everyday life I continue to look for ways to make it more simple....not necessarily EASIER...but more simple and there is a certain amount of beauty in simple elegance. We humans are really quite good at making things complicated.

Dee74

One of the best things I ever learned was to say no and be ok with it.

I'm at the point now where I don't need everyone to like me, and if they dislike me cos I said no, chances are we weren't going to have a long friendship anyway.

Its wonderful to give and great to be altruistic and have noble intent - but if giving ends up hurting you, it becomes a different thing entirely.

D

teatreeoil007

I agree with Dee, it's wonderful to give and also be okay with yourself to the extent that you don't need everyone to like you....I know for myself there are times when I am in a better position to give than at other times. I shake my head...there are some people and some things that will suck it out of you and you end up feeling depleted...but not really that good, like you feel good after a good workout, yes...but sometimes people can really work us over. I gotta watch it with people. They'll suck me dry if I let them.

Maudcat

Saying no is hard for us people pleasers.
But...it gets easier with practice.
Agree with Dee. If you decline to engage with someone and they get mad about it, that's their problem, and you probably aren’t destined for a long term friendship.
Friendships are give and take.
Peace.

Upsidedown23

Thank you all so much, you're all saying what my gut was telling me but there's just so much guilt associated with it.

I AM the go-to gal, always have been, and have prided myself on if even when it's been to my detriment.

But ultimately I know that I have taken it too far in the past, one time I let it go so far I ended up losing everything, to help someone who ultimately didn't deserve it.

I'll practice saying a kind but firm 'no' when i need to. Thank you al again, much appreciated xx

teatreeoil007

You can do this Anarock. Take a deep breath. People you need to say no to will get over it somehow. They really will. You're right some people don't deserve it! But we sometimes learn these things the hard way. I tend to be a "rescuer" which can be good at times; bad at others. Lose the guilt as well...I know EXACTLY what you mean about feeling guilty for saying no...but seriously....DO lose the guilt...it's like a weight hanging around your neck and it's a hard thing to lug around...

teatreeoil007

Another thing about "rescuing" others...and this is just me needing to come to terms with it: In some cases we aren't really helping the other person by rescuing them. We are hindering them in a way from coming to terms with their problems; coming up with viable solutions themselves.And, sometimes, they need to just tough it out. It's actually sometimes better for them and for you to not step in and "rescue"...it's actually sometimes better for their own growth just allow them the process of problem solving. It's amazing what they can come up with when they really are required to....and when they solve problems themselves it helps their self esteem and builds their integrity.