WestofOak

Hello everyone. I am a 53 year old male alcoholic. I binge drink every night on average 5 tall cans of beer. I first enrolled on this site around February 2012. At that time I had been an alcoholic for about 12 years. Same basic pattern - start drinking early in the evening after work say 5:00 p.m. to about 10:00 p.m. In February 2012 just had a moment where I was so depressed I felt that the drinking just had to stop and I did. I did not have a drop of alcohol for the next 2 1/2 years. I felt so much better, I lost about 30 lbs without even trying - ie no exercise, got alot of complements on my looks etc. My motto that kept me going in a straight line was - "there's nothing in drinking for me" or "nothing good can come of this".

Then in or about May, 2014, on a long weekend I was driving past a bar and decided to stop and have a drink. It was a Sunday afternoon. Still remember it. Bar was totally empty, there was only one other customer in there. I felt like such a loser being in there, but I promised myself that I would only have a few beer this one time and that would be it. WRONG. I have been binge drinking every night since for almost 3 1/2 years. Absolutely craziness. Every single morning I wake up feeling bad and promising myself that I will not drink any more, that last night was the last time. Then on my way home from work I convince myself "ok just one more night" and stop at store and buy the usual 5 -6 tall cans of 5% beer. I go home, have dinner, and secretly consume beer all night till bedtime. Usually about 5 tall cans or more.

I am married to a wonderful woman. We have a young teenage boy.
I keep telling myself that if I do not stop drinking, I will not live to see my child grow up, marry etc. This binge drinking will kill me one way or another. I have heard of people in my circumstances that binge drink for a long time, then go to hospital for pain or whatever, and then are told that there liver is shot and only have short time to live. My wife is aware that I drink far too much but she thinks I only drink one tall can of beer a night.

I have regular pain on my right side where my liver is located. I often have alot of stiffness especially if I stay at my desk for extended periods of time. I do not have any issues with appetite, in fact, the opposite is true. I am pretty much hungry all of the time. I do not think I have any nutritional issues as, ironically, I am careful about what I eat. I mostly stay away from processed foods and prepare all of our meals from scratch. I think we eat really well. In fact, I wonder if my good eating habits have made up for the binge drinking. I go to sleep at 10 pm. every night and then am awake by 4:00 a.m. as the buzz wears off. I lie in bed wondering why am I putting myself through all of this. My wife does not sleep in the same bed with me anymore because she says I snore.

I have gained back all of the weight that I lost 3 1/2 years ago. I was down to 160 lbs. then, now as of this morning I was up to 199 lbs. I have a big belly, my face is usually flushed and whenever I am photographed at family events etc. I look like I am going to burst, maybe the clothing is too small, but my face actually looks swollen compare to before.

In any event, here I am again, 5 1/2 years later, 2 1/2 sober and the last three binge drinking again.

I so much want to stop this drinking. I hate all the hiding and deception. I hate the fact that I may have shortened my life span, I hate how selfish this is. What will happen to me? I am convinced today that this is really it. I am not drinking any more period. Wish me luck. Note that I am using a new user name etc. Forgot my old one from 2012.

nova84

Hi WestofOak...good to have you here. You've identified a lot of negatives about drinking and the positives you experienced during your sobriety. What did you find helpful during your 2.5 years of sobriety? Do you have any thoughts on what needs to be different this time to prevent relapsing? Wishing you well on your recovery journey x

PeacefulWater12

Welcome back.

I hated all the lies and deception too. I love now that I can look everyone in the eye. Nothing to hide.

Wishing you all the best.

LastDrop

Hi West of Oak,

I had to read your story a few times. I relate to it so much. I had originally joined this site sometime in 2011 and recently came back.

I never got as much sobriety as you. But I am married to a great woman we have 2 kids. I can snore too, but it goes away when I am sober. And I also lost a bunch of weight that is now back after drinking all year.

It scares me to think about having 2.5 years sober and then just stopping in to a bar and starting again. I can see myself doing that.

No advice from me I just hit 2 weeks again. I hope you stick around and share your journey as it goes.

What kept you sober for 2.5 years?

SimplyFree

Welcome. I’m glad you came back! One day at a time! Stay strong, your boy needs you sober.

WestofOak

Hello everyone. Thank you all for the responses and the kind thoughts and wishes. I wanted to respond to some of the questions posed.

1. What did I find helpful during the 2 1/2 years of sobriety. I am not sure on this point. It seems that I got so scared over the symptoms I was experiencing, all my internet symptom checking, the fear that something serious was wrong and what I perceived to be the depression and anxiety caused by the alcohol that I finally decided to stop the "bs" and straighten myself out. It was like a watershed moment and I did refer to it as that during my postings on this site in 2012. I found myself crying at a busy intersection downtown because of all of the distress the alcohol was causing me that I said THAT'S IT!! and I just stopped. I waited for approximately 6 months after I stopped to go see my family doctor for a check up. I told him all about my alcohol consumption and was truthful about the quantity. He sent me for testing. During the ultrasound test of my liver I asked the technician if he saw anything and he replied "You will have to speak to your doctor". This comment freaked me out. I thought OMG he found something bad, oh no! All that constant pain in my left side was something after all.

I went to see my family doctor about 2 weeks later. He reviews my results of the various tests with me and says: Your test results were great all the values were in the really good ranges. He says keep up whatever you are doing and gives my some minor dietary tips. I was so happy and relieved. This was in September, 2012. I felt like I was given a gift or a second chance. How could all that constant pain, intermittent gout, stiffness, blackouts, constant waking in the night after buzz wore off etc. all be nothing? Could I really have just rebounded by not touching a drop in 7 months? Well I guess it was true because I was fine for the next 2 years, nothing except good health. Even the excema on my right palm cleared up completely. I understand that this excema could have been due to issues with my liver. I recall being in the testing place and looking around at all of the long faces in the waiting room and thinking - these people are seriously ill - cancer etc.? OMG what have I done to myself!The fact that I was so worried about my symptoms and then I am told I am fine - I thought that was a miracle, so much so, that I said I am never going to put myself in that position again. I hated myself for putting myself there, but I also realized that I got away with it and I should not abuse that gift. I think that this aspect was a real motivator for the 2 1/2 years of sobriety. I recall on many occassions that only bad can come from drinking, not good - so why exactly would I want to. This logic kept me from stopping in and buying beer. I would just drive by the liquor store and keep going with a sense of satisfaction that I was doing the right thing, that I was strong and mature and not controlled by alcohol.

2. I do not know what I have to do differently this time, other than to realize that I cannot think that I can have a few beer and that's it. If that does not work and I slip up, I think that I will seek out professional help in the form of counselling etc. Right now I am pretty pumped up that I am going to succeed. The strange or peculiar thing I find is like it seems that I am too different people, the one in the morning who is full of regret, disgust and reslove and then the one on the way home who says, "just this one more time". If I can figure out or beat that guy who says "just this one more time" I think I will solve my problem.

3. Went home last night from work as usual, drove right by my liquor store without stopping, did not even think about it, actually it occurred to me about 2 miles past that I did not even look or realize that I drove by the store. I was on my mission. Get home at a healthy meal, interacted with my family, watched TV and went to sleep at 10:00 p.m. no beer, no significant craving or at least it was surpresssed by my resolve. I have about 4 tall cans of beer at home stashed away. Did not even consider dipping into the stash. Not sure what to do with these, either pour them down the drain or keep them cause the longer I keep them the more they will remind me of my success, but if I am not going to drink then I do not need to risk a moment of weakness and relapse, so I am going to pour them down the drain. Good bye garbage!!

Anyways still woke up in the middle of the night to go to bathroom. I noticed that I was no where near as stiff as I had been in the past. Usually I walk like a 90 year old man in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom. This time just got up and walked normal, so much so, that I noticed it right away. Also feel more clear headed. Still have the mild pain in my right side that comes and goes, hopefully it will go with the passage of time. Same thing with the minor aches here and there which seem to pop up in all sorts of areas of my body, do not know what these are and how they are caused by alcohol. I can ache in my foot one moment, the next its my groin and the next its my shoulder. I think that this will pass, hopefully, in a week or two.

MelSober

I think the good thing is that you have already shown yourself you can quit and that you feel great when you do. I do want to know when you figure it out what made you go back to drinking after so long. I can relate as LastDrop does to quitting and then all of a sudden just going back. Maybe if I hear why you did I can be proactive and stop myself.

WestofOak

I am really working on changing my mindset that I had that permitted me to continue to drink. Right now I am appreciating that I cannot do this, most of all - WHY - why drink to excess, why am I choosing to go along with this when I know better, why do I walk into the liquor store and think that the clerks must think I have a drinking problem and shake their heads and maybe talk behind my back and say "oh yeah that guy that comes in every evening". I reflect on other people and think they do not do this they know better. Well if I know that they know better and I do to, then what the heck am I doing. I will slowly but certainly kill myself ingesting all of this alcohol.

WestofOak

This is one thing that I have realized and have actually honestly and genuinely accepted as of late. That if I continue on this path of drinking very heavily ever night it will kill me no doubt. In the past, I knew this of course, but always thought that I would quit, that it was "just this one more time", but its not just this one more time, it just keeps going on, evening after evening, week after week, month after month. I have to stop now while there still is a tomorrow for me.

If I stop now I now that only good things will come from stopping, better health, better sleep, better functioning and I do not have that nagging insecurity or sense of less self worth because those around me do not have this secret.

God, I so much wish to put this behind me!!

WestofOak

MelSober. I cannot pinpoint why I did restart. I remember it was a hot summer afternoon, I was driving in between places, I saw the bar and just thought of getting a tall glass of cold beer. I definately did not think that this would result in another 3 1/2 years of relapse. At that time, I was so confident that I had kicked the habit that I did not think there was any risk. I was just thinking that beer would taste so good on such a hot afternoon. I should have turned around and walked out of the bar when I went in and looked around, saw only one person, and realized that the rest of the world had better things to do than to sit around in a dark bar drinking on such a beautiful Sunday afternoon.

WestofOak

When I do some retrospection it seems that alot of the issue has to do with perhaps surpressing your sense of self worth in favour of drinking. Think about your life and all those around you, especially your family - why are you seriously and really putting all this at high risk just to drink? Looking at it from this perspective and actually accepting that this is absolutely true almost confuses me in the sense that I wonder, what the heck is wrong with me. I know the serious and real reprecussions and I am drinking for what? So that I can secretly buy beer, sneak it into house or gulp it down in the garage before my wife sees. Walk around every day noticing a pain or an ache here or there and knowing that it has to do with the large amount of beer I drink ever night. It nuts!

I think to myself, your better than all this! All of the risks and health concerns are real and they apply to me - its not something that is going to happen to someone else. Its happening to me and I will die for sure unless I stop NOW.

WestofOak

I also wanted to mention another embarassing thing. It seems like the drinking in the evening leaves me with a flushed red face the next day. I can recall two occassions when a coworker and another individual made comments like "hey why is your face all red like that?" I knew by the tone and the manner in which they were saying it, that they were just telling me that they knew that I had been drinking heavily and I was giving it away with my red face. I felt so embarrassed each time. I recall dismissing it on one occassion by saying it was minus 20 degrees outside and I had just walked against the wind for 10 minutes coming from my parked car. I recall by the look on the person's face that they did not believe me, but just went along with it so as to not make it any more of an issue. I see this person almost every day and wonder - I bet he knows , does he suspect that I have a drinking problem or what? Again I wonder why do I put myself through this?

WestofOak

I am a functioning or maybe high functioning alcoholic. I go to work every day, show up on time, perform a responsible job and then go home an night and pound back on average 5 tall cans of beer and then go to sleep only to start the cycle again the next day all worried and disturbed by my alcoholism and what am I doing to myself.

biminiblue

I'm not sure you are fooling anyone. There is no way to drink five tall ones and not have the smell of it leeching from your body the next day.

I always knew who the drinkers were at work. I smelled it, even if they didn't act intoxicated.

"Functioning" isn't really going to continue, either. I still paid the bills and kept a job but I lost my self and my self-respect.

doggonecarl

Except for the 2 1/2 years of sobriety, our stories are similar. I was a every day after-work beer drinker, really pounding them down on weekends. Quit at 54, and have been sober seven years.

And life has never been better.

WestofOak

Thank you Biminiblue for affirming my fears and giving me another reason to stop this insanity. I never thought I smelled like it the next day. I showered each day, brushed my teeth, wore fresh clothing etc. I did occur to me though. If I did smell of alcohol this was long term. I wonder how many people that I interacted with daily noticed this on a regular basis. I have run into people that smelled like alcohol, but I always assumed that they had been drinking a most a short time earlier.

WestofOak

Biminiblue, I also realize the part about the functioning continuing as well. I can see that some of the decisions I have made in the past have favoured drinking beer instead of more important things. These beer drinking prioritizing decisions have become more frequent, hence the functioning will not continue for ever. I have also taken some real serious risks with when I consumed the beer and can only think it must be a miracle how I got away with this so far. Only means that it will catch up with me real soon unless I put a stop to it. You can only bet high and roll the dice for so long before you lose everything.

WestofOak

Another interesting perspective, is to try to put yourself in someone else's shoes looking at you. What would they see, what would they think? Would not anyone's first and foremost thought be that that guy has to stop this immediately. Would they not think that you must have some shortcoming in your thinking or reasoning that you are not realizing all the harm that you are doing to yourself and that the only solution is that it has to stop.

WestofOak

Thank you doggonecarl. That is my hope to look back when I am 61 and say I got out of it 8 years ago and life has never been better.

When you look at what you are doing and try to be cold, rational and realistic with yourself - it all comes down to - you know all this and yet you want to have another drink - just this one time?

biminiblue

Well sure, that's the insanity of alcoholism.

Would you like this great life or would you like that one last fling? And for what? An hour buzz?

It's so much better on the sober side. Stick with us - you'll never regret it.