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-   -   I realize I'm ambivalent (https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/newcomers-recovery/418157-i-realize-im-ambivalent.html)

Pressmetilihurt 10-29-2017 08:51 AM

I realize I'm ambivalent
 
One of the reasons staying stopped is so hard is because I'm torn. I like being able to drink. To make all the **** disappear. It actually helps me focus. For the first couple....
But the other part of me doesn't want to be a drinker. With all that comes with. Ugh.

tomsteve 10-29-2017 09:06 AM

think about this:
if drinking truly made all the **** disappear, then ya wouldnt have to keep drinking to keep the **** disappeared.

not all thoughts are true and they dont have to be believed or acted on.

D122y 10-29-2017 09:10 AM

Press,

I think it is hard for folks to quit being a drunk when they feel like there is nothing left to lose.

Maybe they are alone, unemployed etc.

For me, I have a family I am accountable to, a great job, and a nice retirement to look forward to.

If a person is still young and drinking, without a job working towards a pension, it could seem like an impass.

I can't offer insight there because I have had steady work since I was 17. I drank the whole time and pushed my life force hard and nearly to the breaking point before I quit.

I tell every younger person that asks or i feel i can help, that we have to be prepared to work hard for at least 15 to 30 years, saving diligently the whole time.

In that time, we develop a lifestyle that can eventually be supported by our savings.

This is Life 101.

It takes suffering and self discipline.

This is the typical way I know and live.

I understand we are all different, many here are on ADs. I can't relate to folks taking pills. It alters the mind so we are going to see things differently.

Are you mixing booze and meds?

Thanks.

Hawkeye13 10-29-2017 09:30 AM

I didn't "want" to quit either, but I had more to lose than I gained in the end.

How much are you willing to risk for that short buzz away from life?

The sad part for me was it kept getting harder and harder to reel myself back
from the abyss--many don't make it back.

In the end, that was what took me off the fence.

HTown 10-29-2017 09:43 AM

I hear you. I tried to stop over and over. I really enjoyed drinking. It was my number one hobby! Loved it! Finally though, the alcohol caught up with me. That’s what we read here, so many people, it gets worse and it destroys you.

I told a friend at dinner that stopping drinking was the best thing I have ever done.
she was very suprised it was the best thing as I am very acomplished, I have helped a lot of people, etc. I said it is the best thing I have ever done for ME.

Alcohol is great until it isn’t, but by that time, it is very hard to stop.

We all choose our own path, but I am glad I found this site to remind me I could choose my path, it wasn’t set.

Bob4x4 10-29-2017 09:47 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pressmetilihurt (Post 6653892)
One of the reasons staying stopped is so hard is because I'm torn. I like being able to drink. To make all the **** disappear. It actually helps me focus. For the first couple....
But the other part of me doesn't want to be a drinker. With all that comes with. Ugh.

the old parable about the two wolves that live inside of us, one bad one good, and the one that survives is the one that you feed.

Your Addicted voice is telling you it's ok to keep drinking, the real you is screaming to escape to a life that is more engaging, fun, worthwhile.

modern day motivational speakers would say other things, like imagine a better life that you might like and then turn up the volume so that's all you see.

I've talked to an alcohol councilor and one of the reasons why people stay drinking because it acts as an activator to do stuff . . . so they think. . .

I've been an ambivalent drinker for 2 years now, couldn't give a F-bleep if I lived or died so i know what you are talking about.

never stop quitting ?

PurpleKnight 10-29-2017 03:09 PM

I think we all reach the crossroads and have to make a decision.

For me did the benefits outweigh the damage alcohol was doing to my life, and frankly it they didn't, I was killing myself, and damaging any future I may have had.

We gotta make a decision in the cold light of day, and stick with that conviction!!

You can do this!! :)

Dee74 10-29-2017 03:55 PM

I really wanted to drink and not have any bad consequences.
Sounds ridiculous when you type it out, but there it is.

I think you can either chose sobriety or have it thrust upon you like I did nearly dying etc.

The first way must be preferable press.

I had lots of negative experiences to draw on to help me choose not to drink. I'm sure you do too.

Choose Life as they used to say back in the day.

D

AnvilheadII 10-29-2017 04:41 PM

one could delve into other ways to deal with the "stuff" of life, besides drinking, which has proven to not be much of a CURE.

anxiousrock 10-29-2017 05:16 PM

I can totally understand that. I NEED to stop drinking, I hate my drunk self.
At the same time, I can't stop. It makes no sense.

Bob4x4 10-29-2017 06:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Anarock (Post 6654386)
I can totally understand that. I NEED to stop drinking, I hate my drunk self.
At the same time, I can't stop. It makes no sense.

i was watching an Alan Carr Quit Smoking clip on YouTube and he said that addiction takes away the choice.

you may think you choose to drink or not to drink, smoke or not to smoke - it's physiologically driven. the supply in the blood stream messes with your emotions, your mood, energy levels. etc.

but yeah, i'm certainly familiar with the ambivalent feeling and thinking I'm choosing to drink because I'm bored or that I have no future or other hopeless feeling. That's just the booze talking?

__booze___me__
:a043:

Hawkeye13 10-29-2017 06:22 PM

One other factor here press is your kids

Doing this to yourself is a choice, but they don't have a choice to get a sober dad unless you give that to them.

I grew up with an alcoholic mother who avoided pain by drinking.
This had a huge negative impact on me, and modeled drinking as a method to deal with life.

I must say this has not served me well as an adult.
As her alcoholism progressed, as it will in all of us, it got very bad.
Please remember what you do impacts them for better or worse as well. . .

Zebra1275 10-29-2017 06:44 PM

I like being able to drink. To make all the **** disappear.

The only things that disappears when you drink is you.

All the other crap in life just waits for you to wake up, and then it pounces on you with a vengeance when you are hungover.

Pressmetilihurt 10-31-2017 06:18 PM

Yeah. All that.

Stayingsassy 10-31-2017 06:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Zebra1275 (Post 6654469)
I like being able to drink. To make all the **** disappear.

The only things that disappears when you drink is you.

All the other crap in life just waits for you to wake up, and then it pounces on you with a vengeance when you are hungover.

Snap. Perfect.

Stayingsassy 10-31-2017 06:23 PM

Hey press, I liked being able to drink. It got me all charged up knowing I could drink. It made all the **** disapppear, and yep, it helped me focus.

But I’m not ambivalent. I’m done.


What will it take for you to be done?

Pressmetilihurt 11-01-2017 12:36 AM

What will it take for me to be done?

****. What a question. I see that no matter what happens my brain will tell me I can still enjoy drinking.

I think the God thing and the meeting thing and all that are forms of surrender. I "know" what it takes to be sober. I only have to surrender to it. Humility is not for the weak it seems. Or is it? Not sure but I think there's something to it. Dear God (the universe and everything), please help me.

August252015 11-01-2017 04:10 AM

To be (gently) frank, no one could help me until I helped myself by quitting completely. then, the help and support - and promises coming true in my dedicated AA program- have come in spades.

I hope you make that first choice- I do not believe we get unlimited chances to quit.

ScottFromWI 11-01-2017 09:15 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pressmetilihurt (Post 6656756)
I see that no matter what happens my brain will tell me I can still enjoy drinking.

That's actually addiction talking. It's entirely reasonable to expect that you can reach a point where your brain will not keep telling you that you can still enjoy drinking. I can't say exactly when I reached that point, but I cannot remember the last time I thought it would be OK to have a drink or that I would enjoy it.

tomsteve 11-01-2017 10:27 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pressmetilihurt (Post 6656756)
What will it take for me to be done?

****. What a question. I see that no matter what happens my brain will tell me I can still enjoy drinking.

i think ya need to start seeing with a different pair of glasses.
IF the alcolism isnt treated, then probably so, but dry drunks arent fun.
IF the alcoholism is treated, then the thought can and will change.

what will it take for YOU?
idk. but i honestly hope it doesnt involve sinking into alcoholism to the point the 2 choices are get help or suicide, which is where i ended up.

all it really takes is WANTING to be sober than wanting to drink.
then a decision to go to any lengths for voctory over alcohol.
then get into action with a program of action.


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