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Old 10-29-2017, 01:04 AM
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Confidence

Hi

As my sobriety journey continues I知 really just now realising some of my issues which led me down the path

While I feel loads better ,healthy and more calm one thing I知 not so good is confidence in myself

I guess it痴 always been there , never felt I was good enough nor have the confidence to stand up to people when I知 obviously been walked over

Close friends and family I知 fine with and come across as mister confident but reality is I generally lie about things to come across as that person I知 not - very sad I know

It痴 in my working life much more - I do have a stressful job which is fine but find for example the boss (business partner really as we both are owners) just tramples over me and does what he feels - I never say anything and just crumble and cower away - just to keep peace and avoid confrontation

This sort of thing bothers me a lot - my mechanism of dealing with it in past was alcohol but obviously that痴 not on table any more

As I知 writing this I also realise I cannot say no to people - fear of upsetting them and not been liked I guess

I have lost sleep all this weekend worrying about my business partner and how he treats me and in bed I知 telling myself no I will just call him Monday morning and tell him what I think - this morning as usual I知 collapsing and don稚 want any aggravation etc

I guess confidence issue / low self asteem is common for alcoholics ?

This must be big for me as this is longest post I have ever put on here !

Any thoughts would be truly welcome

Thank you SR
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Old 10-29-2017, 01:21 AM
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Since I started CBT, I've learnt that at the centre of all my problems is my core belief that I'm worthless. I've also learnt that in order to hide my worthlessness from the world, I've created some unhelpful rules for living. One of these rules is people pleasing. If I try to please everyone all the time, no one will realise I'm actually worthless.

By starting to deal with my unhelpful core belief, these equally unhelpful rules for living have started to fall away. I've found it strangely easy to stand up for myself and been amazed by the reaction of others. I get so much more respect now. People like me more now I'm not trying to please everyone all the time. I guess I'm coming across as more honest and real.

I don't know if CBT is a possibility for you but if it is, I'd definitely think about it. I've only done 4 sessions and already the difference in my thought patterns is incredible. I have to retrain my mind but it's entirely possible to do. What's more, I'm enjoying it. I feel free from worry for the first time in my life. I definitely drank to cover up my sense of worthlessness. By being sober for a while, I'm now able to deal with the real reasons I drank. Sounds like you're ready to do this too. Good luck
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Old 10-29-2017, 02:16 AM
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For me the more of life I faced sober the more capable I found I was. I'd never believed I was in any way strong or capable so that early learning curve was a real revelation to me.

The more things I faced the better I felt about myself.

Doesn't mean I became the life of the party. I'm still insular and shy - but thats ok too because..that's me.

D
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Old 10-29-2017, 03:40 AM
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RainyEngland your post could have been mine .
I am OK in certain settings but when out of my comfort zone I feel terrible .
It's strange though as I could talk to a complete stranger in the street no bother but it was the work place I struggled most . I got it into my head no one liked me and I reacted accordingly taking harmless comments personally , worrying what i'd done wrong ,stewing over trivial things .
All of it was my thinking wrong and as Kenton says CBT is an excellent therapy that teaches how to change this wrong thinking .

I think with me I carried a lot of guilt about past events and projected this outwardly if that makes sense . Put another way I hated myself so found it hard to mix properly .

I know in UK the mental health system has long waiting lists for CBT but you should ask your doctor to refer you anyway and ask about an online CBT course called beating the blues link Practitioners - Beating the Bluesョ

Good luck

Last edited by Dee74; 10-29-2017 at 05:20 PM. Reason: removed commercial link, replaced with NHS link
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Old 10-29-2017, 04:01 AM
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Originally Posted by Dee74 View Post
For me the more of life I faced sober the more capable I found I was. I'd never believed I was in any way strong or capable so that early learning curve was a real revelation to me.

The more things I faced the better I felt about myself.

Doesn't mean I became the life of the party. I'm still insular and shy - but thats ok too because..that's me.

D
Agreed,

I think many, most, a lot of- whatever!- alcoholics lack internal confidence - I did. Probably in some ways, all of my life - I have realized that anxiety was a huge issue for decades. I was the child who went back and GRADED the diary I kept when I was eight. I was also the teen who was captain of the cheerleaders, looked beautiful on the outside and tortured my body with an eating disorder....lots of examples.

In recovery- I am now at 20 mo and change- I have found the ability to be confident for real ( ) and to make decisions from a place of reason, security and thoughtfulness. It has taken time and is still a work in progress.

Are you working a program? i am a dedicated AAer and it has been my foundation for all the growth I have discovered in recovery. I have a lot of spiritual and rational support for decision making and self confidence that I did not have before.

Best wishes to you.
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Old 10-29-2017, 01:44 PM
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Rainy, I can relate. I always pick my battles. Sometimes it can be more effective and fun to drive from the back seat. I find there are personalities that want to be out front and bossing the world. I am a better second fiddle player. That means I watch til the guy out front is going to make a mistake then I am more vocal and firm. Eventually the guy out front comes around and says he would like me to take more of the front. The other thought might be to ask your partner if he would like you to take more of a front role. Sometimes they feel they must do the front role, but would actually like help. Good luck! And great job with your sobriety. You are just a couple days ahead of me! Keep it that way!
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