Wholesome

I have something that I feel like talking out and it's something that only other sober people will really understand. So my best friend of the last 10 years and I have grown apart since I quit drinking. Her and I did a lot of drinking together, she could keep up with me and we would drink for hours and talk about everything and anything. I've tried to keep the relationship by inviting her out to do things like dinner or concerts or events of some kind. She only ever invites me out to her house or someone else's where the plan is to sit around and drink and talk like we used to. I rarely say yes but sometimes I feel guilty enough that I agree. Tonight is one of those nights where she wants me to come hang out and I don't want to. It's not that being around people drinking triggers me or puts me into a state of agitation from being around alcohol, that doesn't bother me, it's that I'm not interested in that whole scene anymore. I find it to be a turn off and a reminder of what a loser I was when I would drink for 8-10 hours straight until I was talking nonsense and acting in ways that I found embarrassing the next day and making myself sick. I don't think it's cool anymore to act that way and I don't want to be around it. At the same time I have this guilty feeling for no showing every time she invites me out. She's been telling me that she misses me and I know she would like the old me back, although she has never encouraged me to pick up a drink I think she believes that I'm taking a break and that it's only a matter of time before I go back to my old ways and she will get her party buddy back. I know that if the roles were reversed and it was me still drinking and carrying on I would feel that way. I don't know. It's just hard to have this weird guilt and pressure..... I'm not trying to hurt her feelings or reject her but I am. And I miss her too. I wish she would come out to do other things with me that don't revolve around getting drunk, but she's never interested in doing other things and I understand that, when I drank that was all I ever wanted to do in my spare time too.

I'm getting ready to let her know again that I've changed my mind and I'm not going out with her tonight to this other person's house for a drinking party and she's going to tell me how lame I am and how I've disappointed her again.......

I've changed. I'm not the same person that I was 8 months ago when I made the decision to quit drinking. My perspective, my values, my priorities are different now and they've changed in ways that I think are better and an improvement to my quality of life. Sitting around watching people get loaded just doesn't fit with who I am today.

I don't really know what the point of this is. I guess I just want to be understood and I feel like what I'm feeling can only be understood by other people who have gotten sober and been through this sort of thing too.

DontRemember

I'm the same anymore. I was laughing to myself earlier that I'm an 'old man now'(I'm early 40's).My buddy and his wife invited me to their halloween party tonight and I changed my mind yesterday. Still haven't told him that I'm not coming and don't think I'm even going to call. Hopefully he's busy setting up and doesn't notice,but I just feel like staying in and watching football/movies. That's my Fri/Sat nights now. LOL But it beats spending money and possibly making bad decisions at a bar. Like you though, I just don't want to 'waste' 2-4hrs of my time watching people drink and basically talking about nothing anymore. I do feel a bit like a scrooge and know I need to do things/be social. Just not feeling it right now.

Bob4x4

There's no value in lying to her. Tell her the truth? exactly what you just said... if she wants a friendship maybe she has to make some effort in your direction rather than you always doing 'her' thing.

drinking friends .... my learned lesson from 30 years is that drinking friends are only good for drinking and when something serious happens and you need real support and real friendship they are not there, not available.

DontRemember

Yep. I could call/text some drinking 'friends' right now, tell them I had a flat going home and they wouldn't come help. Now if I had a flat coming to meet them at the bar for the games they'd be on their way.

Wholesome

She is more that just a drinking buddy to me though, even though we did a lot of drinking together. She has seen me through some really tough times, and I her.

I have explained to her my reasons, I just don't think she wants to accept them.

I do agree that if she wants the relationship to work then she is going to have to broaden her list of activities if she wants to hang out with me, because I'm pretty firm on not wanting to hang out watching everyone get drunk or high.

Berrybean

Have you tried suggesting some non-drinking activities to do together to her Zen? I found that a couple of the people I used to drink with have been very receptive to meeting up for lunch, or to go for walks, or travel by train somewhere different to explore. But I needed to be the one to suggest those things initially - they just would never have thought of them. But they've done them, enjoyed them, then asked to do them again on other occassions.

That was not the case with many of the old drinking crowd though.

Why not just think of a few ideas and suggest them and see what she says?

BB

DontRemember

That's how my buddy is. I'll guestimate we've known each other for almost 20yrs. Helped each other through breakups,financially,lived together when I split up a few years ago and I tried to help him through addiction before I 'crossed over'..hell I was the best man at his wedding 4yrs ago. I am going to call him to let him know I'm not going to make it. Kinda thinking about going after typing that 'been through' list out..hmmm.

DreamCatcher17

I feel like I could have written something very similar. My friend would never do anything sober with me, even prior to me quitting the drink. Now, we just don't talk. She drinks daily and that's not a part of my lifestyle.
Don't worry about what people think, sure it's easier said than done.
Have a peaceful evening, drunkard free!!

Wholesome

Yeah I was the maid of honor at her wedding.... we go back. It would be a real shame for our relationship to end because of drinking.

I guess I'll just keep inviting her out to do sober things. I've done a bunch of interesting things since I quit drinking that I would have loved for her to be there for. She keeps saying no. But I will be more persistent and turn the tables on her! Tell her how lame I think she is for not wanting to go see live music or comedy or go out boating or out in nature! There's so much more to life than sitting around with the same people having the same conversations while getting sh*t faced.

Berrybean

Why not just tell him you can't make it / can't do the alcohol fuelled environment but also tell him you DO care about him and miss him, and suggest something different to him where you can get together and catch up.

If he's such a good pal he won't want to compromise your recovery.

BB

DontRemember

He'd never compromise my recovery. He's been through it with drugs. I'm ok around drinking, I just don't feel like going and told him on Wen that I was 'for sure,man!' Either way, he's used to me flaking since I met him. If it was just him,his wife wife and a few people I'd probably go..This is going to be like 60+people. I don't feel like dealing with that today...really ever.

We're also both very busy with our work. We were in the same industry(he worked for me when we met),but I've branched out to other avenues. Last time I hung out with him was in August..camping..I feel like I'm talking about an exgf now.

Anna

Zen, I think it's true that everything changes when we stop drinking and recover.

I think we change from the inside out and become unrecognizable in some ways.

I'm sorry for the strains on your friendship. It sounds painful and disappointing.

Bob4x4

I totally hear you.

i have a very good friend of 30 years whom I've shared a lot of vacations, and hopes and dreams, philosophy, music festivals, jokes and our two families go back to the the 1960s .. and in the end , the way he lives his life ... he's just a drinking buddy only capable of drinking buddy shallow relationship mumbo jumbo.

When i quit for a long time he never came to me to hang out to do stuff that i wanted to do. I always had to go to where he was , he would drink, we would talk and joke around like the old days but it just becomes a broken record, of been there, done that, boring... predictable. no growth. I wish it wasn't this way but it is and I'm not the one in control of how it goes.

Perhaps my friend sees me as valuable only to fulfill a certain role and anything outside of that is not seen. And similarly because of his ways and avoidance i can only see him as a person who drinks to excess and is not capable of being a good friend anymore. we both text each other jokes now and then but that's all.

Maudcat

I was an at home solo drinker, so didn’t have a lot of friends to drink with.
In fact, I drank very little when we went out with friends or at workplace events.
I can provide my take on friendships, fwiw.
We have returned to the area where we had grown up, but left many, many years ago.
We still have friends from the time before we moved, and have successfully rekindled some of the friendships.
Others, not so much.
We have a good time with the others if we reach out to them, or if we run into them, but it always comes from us, not them.
Am I hurt or bothered by this?
No. Friendships ebb and flow,. That’s fine.
So...a take on friendships without alcohol being a factor.
I have read from other posters that sometimes friendships go by the way when someone stops drinking.
It sounds like you really like and miss this friend, Zenchaser.
I wouldn’t give up on suggesting non-drinking activities with her just yet.
Time will tell.

Mark1014

I'm sorry you're feeling this disappointment Zen. Without a doubt there's been a major shakeup in my friendships since I laid it down. Some I miss, some I don't, some have worked out just fine.....with time. One friendship in particular though leaves a void, but I think that when we're around one another the fact that I'm not all in with the party that person is uncomfortable with their own self likely because of their own unhealthy drinking. The contrast is there.

I generally avoid drinking gatherings, but if I do go for sure I grow tired of it all earlier in the evening and don't stick around when the same ole same ole talk starts. Looks like many of us here can relate to your experience Zen. I'm so glad to see your resolve though and I hope time will help your friend come around.

Wholesome

I ended up being honest with her and telling her to just pretty much count me out if her plan is to sit around and drink. I told her that I'd be up for any plan that involved going out and actually doing something, any kind of activity or show or whatever. I guess time will tell how things will work out.

Yeah I figured that there would be others on here who could relate to what I'm going through here. Getting sober is a big deal and comes with lots of change which can bring both positive and negative outcomes. ALL my relationships are different now, I do not relate to people the same way I used to. I feel like the quality of most of them has improved especially within my family, and some have been rekindled after a long hiatus due to my drinking, and some may fade due to my not drinking. I hope this particular one doesn't go that way, it will for sure if the expectation is that I am to keep hanging out in the same environment that I used to with her.

Thanks everyone for taking the time to reply! It helps to hear from others who get it.

Meraviglioso

Good for you for being honest with her. I would also continue to be honest with her. Tell her how much you value her friendship outside of drinking and hope that you two still remain tight and close. I know that this must be sad and difficult for you. While I don't have any really close friends here, I think of my close friends back in the US and would be crushed to lose those relationships.
Just make sure that this does not turn into something that might become a trigger for drinking. It is easy to say "ah, she is just a drinking buddy" but that is really not for us to decide, it is YOU who has to deal with the hole, with the feelings of loss- whether for right or wrong, they are YOUR feelings and they are legitimate. Keep talking about it to us, find other supports near you, it is important you protect yourself through this.