why does it have to be this way?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 100
why does it have to be this way?
i'm on day 5 currently. quitting alcohol and marijuana. those have been my 2 major addictions for the last few years.
my mom absolutely despises me and blames me for all my problems and not a day goes by without her reminding me what a pathetic waste i am. she has no ability to understand or empathize with me yet when she sees a show like intervention she shows great empathy towards the people on the show. her opinion of me is so low and she hasn't had any respect for me in years.
my 25th birthday is coming up. i'd like to move out today if i could but don't have enough money to rent anything more than a ****** room and that would be in a house full of unknowns which is another risk in itself.
i have dreams of being an actor and some days i actually believe i have the ability if i stay sober. i work other gigs here and there as well so i'm not doing too bad on money but it just sucks.
these seem like huge mountains to climb. not a great day for me but i commit to handling these hurdles sober. if anything i've realized that with my drinking and drugging i'll never become anyone in this life and i'll always be a loser. i could easily head to the bar right now where the drinks are 2.50 and drown my sorrows all night but where's that gonna get me?
thanks for reading,
any advice would be appreciated
my mom absolutely despises me and blames me for all my problems and not a day goes by without her reminding me what a pathetic waste i am. she has no ability to understand or empathize with me yet when she sees a show like intervention she shows great empathy towards the people on the show. her opinion of me is so low and she hasn't had any respect for me in years.
my 25th birthday is coming up. i'd like to move out today if i could but don't have enough money to rent anything more than a ****** room and that would be in a house full of unknowns which is another risk in itself.
i have dreams of being an actor and some days i actually believe i have the ability if i stay sober. i work other gigs here and there as well so i'm not doing too bad on money but it just sucks.
these seem like huge mountains to climb. not a great day for me but i commit to handling these hurdles sober. if anything i've realized that with my drinking and drugging i'll never become anyone in this life and i'll always be a loser. i could easily head to the bar right now where the drinks are 2.50 and drown my sorrows all night but where's that gonna get me?
thanks for reading,
any advice would be appreciated
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,564
Welcome, readyt0change. It really helped me to come here & talk things over with those who understand - I hope you'll feel the same.
My family didn't have a clue what I was going through either. I was much older than you when I realized I had to quit or die. By that time most of my relationships were in sad shape. I did find that as I got sober & rebuilt my life, most people came around and the negative attitudes changed.
You're right - going to the bar would be a temporary fix - and you'd be back at square one, feeling defeated & disappointed in yourself. Not worth it. We are glad you're here. I hope you'll keep reading & posting. Congratulations on Day 5.
My family didn't have a clue what I was going through either. I was much older than you when I realized I had to quit or die. By that time most of my relationships were in sad shape. I did find that as I got sober & rebuilt my life, most people came around and the negative attitudes changed.
You're right - going to the bar would be a temporary fix - and you'd be back at square one, feeling defeated & disappointed in yourself. Not worth it. We are glad you're here. I hope you'll keep reading & posting. Congratulations on Day 5.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
welcome,ready!
first off, you are NOT, nor were you EVER a loser!
youve just been sick, and there IS a solution!
on this:
"why does it have to be this way?'
lookin back to when i was drinking, i can see why people around me were rather negative about me. i caused a lot of chaos and havoc for all around me.
and when i decided to get sober? i can understand why they didnt believe me. they had heard it quite a few times- they heard quite a few times i was getting my sh*t together and going to straighten out my life, only to sink deeper.
so, when i was a couple weeks sober and visited my sister and her family, i understand why, when i mentioned at the kitchen table i had stopped drinking and was getting help, why my brother in law got up and walked away and my sister rolled her eyes.
yeah, their response didnt feel too good, but it didnt feel too good because that was when i was out of denial and knew the damage i had caused. i knew i had caused heartache and worry for my family, but i wasnt going to let that stop me from continueing to put in the footwork to look at the underlying issues alcohol( and pot,crack, and the other drugs i did over the year) was just a symptom of. i wasnt going to let that stop me from learning what made me tick and changing me and my attitudes.
over T.I.M.E my family started seeing i was serious. they saw and heard the change in me. eventually they were convinced i was done drinking and not who i used to be.
a few years sober, my neice called and asked if i could come and refinish the wood floors in her new house. wow! she wanted ME to come do the work??? sure!!!
it took a few days and on the last day, the family was all at her new place and we had a bar b que in the backyard. somehow, conversation got onto what i call "drunken tom antics." quite a few memories were told of drunken me, with me sharing some the family didnt know about.
and we were ALL laughing about it.
then my neice asked,"uncle tom, how long have you been sober?"
"its been a little while. 8 years."
"im really glad your sober now and i can enjoy my uncle now."
ok, back to
"why does it have to be this way?'
it had to be that way because that was one of the consequences i had to face for my actions.
and through action of working on me, "this way" didnt last. "this way" became a new way.
one great thing i learned early on was i didnt have to be a doormat for other people. sometimes i would just let them say what they wanted about me and used it to help me work on me.
sometimes it would get a little too much and id stand up for myself with something like,"yes, that WAS me. i dont condone how i used to be and am working hard at changing me and hope that is noticable. however, i wont allow negativity to be directed at me."
first off, you are NOT, nor were you EVER a loser!
youve just been sick, and there IS a solution!
on this:
"why does it have to be this way?'
lookin back to when i was drinking, i can see why people around me were rather negative about me. i caused a lot of chaos and havoc for all around me.
and when i decided to get sober? i can understand why they didnt believe me. they had heard it quite a few times- they heard quite a few times i was getting my sh*t together and going to straighten out my life, only to sink deeper.
so, when i was a couple weeks sober and visited my sister and her family, i understand why, when i mentioned at the kitchen table i had stopped drinking and was getting help, why my brother in law got up and walked away and my sister rolled her eyes.
yeah, their response didnt feel too good, but it didnt feel too good because that was when i was out of denial and knew the damage i had caused. i knew i had caused heartache and worry for my family, but i wasnt going to let that stop me from continueing to put in the footwork to look at the underlying issues alcohol( and pot,crack, and the other drugs i did over the year) was just a symptom of. i wasnt going to let that stop me from learning what made me tick and changing me and my attitudes.
over T.I.M.E my family started seeing i was serious. they saw and heard the change in me. eventually they were convinced i was done drinking and not who i used to be.
a few years sober, my neice called and asked if i could come and refinish the wood floors in her new house. wow! she wanted ME to come do the work??? sure!!!
it took a few days and on the last day, the family was all at her new place and we had a bar b que in the backyard. somehow, conversation got onto what i call "drunken tom antics." quite a few memories were told of drunken me, with me sharing some the family didnt know about.
and we were ALL laughing about it.
then my neice asked,"uncle tom, how long have you been sober?"
"its been a little while. 8 years."
"im really glad your sober now and i can enjoy my uncle now."
ok, back to
"why does it have to be this way?'
it had to be that way because that was one of the consequences i had to face for my actions.
and through action of working on me, "this way" didnt last. "this way" became a new way.
one great thing i learned early on was i didnt have to be a doormat for other people. sometimes i would just let them say what they wanted about me and used it to help me work on me.
sometimes it would get a little too much and id stand up for myself with something like,"yes, that WAS me. i dont condone how i used to be and am working hard at changing me and hope that is noticable. however, i wont allow negativity to be directed at me."
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
Welcome! I'm not trying to be mean or anything...BUT...
What would going to the bar to spend the little $$ you have on booze solve? Sure as hell isn't going to make your mother think any better of you and even worse...How will YOU feel afterwards? Why not instead;write out a sobriety plan. Stick to that for a month,then write out a 'professional'(work) plan..Then; next goals(housing,ect.).Drinking solves NOTHING and only gets worse. You're still young enough to get ahead of this 'thing' if you stay sober and that will allow you to lead a great life. Sitting around and sulking that your mother is upset will get you nowhere. That's on you. Get to it!
What would going to the bar to spend the little $$ you have on booze solve? Sure as hell isn't going to make your mother think any better of you and even worse...How will YOU feel afterwards? Why not instead;write out a sobriety plan. Stick to that for a month,then write out a 'professional'(work) plan..Then; next goals(housing,ect.).Drinking solves NOTHING and only gets worse. You're still young enough to get ahead of this 'thing' if you stay sober and that will allow you to lead a great life. Sitting around and sulking that your mother is upset will get you nowhere. That's on you. Get to it!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: San Francisco Bay Area
Posts: 319
Wow, you're only 25 years old, so let's not write you off quite yet.
Feeling sorry for yourself and the self-loathing is just a trick we use to continue to smoke/drink. You're luckier than most by addressing this issue while you're still young and have everything in front of you. I would definitely not do anything drastic at the moment. These are your emotions talking. Moving out is only going to make things more difficult at the moment. Focus 100% of your efforts on getting off your addictions.
Actions speak louder than words, and I'd bet with a solid track record of sobriety and a change in lifestyle your relationship with your mom will turn around quickly. It won't happen overnight, and she's not going to probably believe you at first. However, as a parent myself I'm telling you that deep down she's pulling for you to succeed. Being a parent of a drug user is very frustrating because it's completely out of your control. I'm sure she's disappointed and frustrated so just move forward and things will fall into place.
Post as often as you need to. You have a ton of support here!
Feeling sorry for yourself and the self-loathing is just a trick we use to continue to smoke/drink. You're luckier than most by addressing this issue while you're still young and have everything in front of you. I would definitely not do anything drastic at the moment. These are your emotions talking. Moving out is only going to make things more difficult at the moment. Focus 100% of your efforts on getting off your addictions.
Actions speak louder than words, and I'd bet with a solid track record of sobriety and a change in lifestyle your relationship with your mom will turn around quickly. It won't happen overnight, and she's not going to probably believe you at first. However, as a parent myself I'm telling you that deep down she's pulling for you to succeed. Being a parent of a drug user is very frustrating because it's completely out of your control. I'm sure she's disappointed and frustrated so just move forward and things will fall into place.
Post as often as you need to. You have a ton of support here!
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,504
Please don't let your mother's nasty words take you down. It would be nice if she would change, but try to not have expectations. Best to focus on staying sober and getting money/jobs so that you can move out.
You are lucky to be facing this at a young age. You can change the direction of your life and be the person you want to be.
You are lucky to be facing this at a young age. You can change the direction of your life and be the person you want to be.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Welcome readyt0change 
I quit both alcohol and pot and turned my life around. I was 40 so you have youth and vitality on your side
I'm sorry for what's happening with you and your mom but the good news is there's always support and help around - be it a site like this, AA or some other meeting based approach, counselling, or a book based approach like Rational Recovery...
you're not alone in this fight
The first step to any recovery journey is saying no to more drinks or more pot - sounds like you're getting a handle on that
Hope to see you around
D
I quit both alcohol and pot and turned my life around. I was 40 so you have youth and vitality on your side
I'm sorry for what's happening with you and your mom but the good news is there's always support and help around - be it a site like this, AA or some other meeting based approach, counselling, or a book based approach like Rational Recovery...
you're not alone in this fight
The first step to any recovery journey is saying no to more drinks or more pot - sounds like you're getting a handle on that
Hope to see you around
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 100
Originally Posted by tomsteve 
p.s.
are you getting any help for recovery? working any recovery program? seeing a counselor/therapist?
are you getting any help for recovery? working any recovery program? seeing a counselor/therapist?
i've been to NA before and know of the 12 steps. not going to any meetings right now however.
i will climb out of this. one day at a time.
thanks for the kind words guys.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,780
Welcome to the family. I hope you can stay sober and save the money you need to get your own place. I know the support here can help you get sober for good just like it did for me.
I hope you can stay sober and save the money you need to get your own place. I know the support here can help you get sober for good just like it did for me. 
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
Originally Posted by readyt0change
i have a psychiatrist who's more like my therapist.
i've been to NA before and know of the 12 steps. not going to any meetings right now however.
i will climb out of this. one day at a time.
thanks for the kind words guys.
i've been to NA before and know of the 12 steps. not going to any meetings right now however.
i will climb out of this. one day at a time.
thanks for the kind words guys.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,669
I go to meetings and have a counselor for outside support. My fam. abandoned me after my last rock-b, where I literally burnt to death. Do not blame them. You cannot control others- or expect those close to you to be there to rescue you. Support to you.
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