StumblingAlong

Hi all,

Thank you for having me. I discovered this forum a few days ago and reading through the motivational posts has proven to really motivate me to push for sobriety and has also provided me with comfort during a somewhat dark time in my life.

I'm 27 and have had issues with alcohol, namely binge drinking, and lately full blown alcohol dependency for roughy 10 years. I'm embarrassed to have even gotten to this point because I witnessed my mother die because of alcohol following a failed liver transplant. I've seen alcohol serve as a crutch to my father and several other prominent family figures in my life. I always told myself, with what you've witnessed and been through as an adult child of an alcoholic, there's no way this will happen to you - same message my family throws around about me. But, unfortunately what they don't know is that it's not true.

For at least the last 5 years I've been blacking out at least 1-2 days per week, and then drinking sporadically throughout the remainder of the week. I guess between the desensitization that I adopted as a young child from seeing everyone constantly drinking around me, and attending a four year university where drinking was the primary hobby of choice, I did not think twice about having an alcohol problem - drinking simply was and has been the acceptable and go-to thing to do.

Fast forward to now: I've been drinking practically every day to self medicate the pain from my mother passing, the lackluster relationship I have with my father, and the horrifically awful decisions that I've made because of alcohol. I sit here ashamed at the person I've become, and the lives that I have negatively affected because of my own drinking. Because of this, and the reality of wasting 5-10 years of presumably the best period of my life, I have chosen to try and get sober.

Today is my day four, and tomorrow is Friday. I have not been sober on a weekend since I do not know when. Cheers and fingers crossed for diving into the journey of sobriety.

Hats

Welcome and I'm glad you've found your way to this site. Sounds like alcohol has caused some problems in your life. You'll find lots of support and tools on here that will help you through your journey to sobriety.

MariahGayle

Know you are not alone in me stumbling with what your feeling stumbling. Glad you are here & posting.

DontRemember

Welcome..A lot of good info,support,advice and understanding here.

LastDrop

I can relate a lot. I started thinking about getting sober around your age. Sadly I decided to keep playing with the Piranhas for another 11- 12 years leading up to now. I got bit quite a few more times.

Hopefully you stick to your decision cause once you have problems with drinking the bottle always leads to more problems sooner or later.

I wish I could go back to 27, I'd slap myself silly.

Welcome

DontRemember

I had that thought the other night. I would walk up and beat myself like crazy!

Stayingsassy

Welcome and congrats on your first four days, those are tough days and you made it. That shows commitment.

Your post made me think about my daughters. I’ve never been in much personal denial about my alcoholism...so I have warned them away. I told them considering our family history; it is not certain but likely, that they are genetic alcoholics. I told them it was dangerous to take the first taste and they should find ways to live without it. They listened.

What a family disease this is. I’m sorry you lost your mom to alcohol and I’m sorry alcohol has become such a rough issue in your own young life. Best to say goodbye to the lifestyle, put it down now. Find your passion in life and move forward. Best wishes to you.

Stronger2017

Welcome to SR and nice one on four days sober!

Dee74

Welcome to SR StumblingAlong
I don't believe it's ever too late - or too early - to change
D

PeacefulWater12

Welcome, Stumbling Along. Four days sober is great. Keep up the good work.

I had blackouts too. Horrible.

StumblingAlong

That's great - I think it's all about reinforcement and consistent messaging. I say this because my family preaches to me about the dangers of alcohol, yet every time I am around it's always an excuse to drink. For instance with the holidays coming up, I'm typically blacked out for a week straight, with help from my family peer pressuring everyone to drink in celebration of the season. The irony is really laughable. That said, I think I've shielded my problems enough to where they don't think it's an issue. My grandmother (my mother's mother) always says to me, well I know you don't have a drinking problem because you don't drink like your mother. I guess at this point I would consider myself a functioning alcoholic because I can mask it, but I think eventually the problem devours you and does not allow you to hide anymore - at least, that's where I think I will be headed if I don't address the problem now.

I just hope I can turn it around - I'm so disgusted with myself and my conduct. I've effectively destroyed my marriage, the lives of others, and am hoping and praying that I don't lose my job as a result. Just so shameful over everything, but I guess rock bottom can either make you or break you.

StumblingAlong

Also, thank you everyone for the motivational words and positivity. I think drinking has exacerbated my already negative outlook and I don't have a whole lot of support in my life right now, so I truly appreciate the kind words of encouragement!

tomsteve

just my opinion, but i highly doubt its being masked as good as perceived. pretty hard to mask blacking out 3 times/wk.

not only that, its quite common for people to look at the actions when drinking and come up with this "functioning" thing.
remove the actions and look at the thinking- look at the underlying issues that ya drink for- is the thinking "functioning?"
now toss out all the labels. that doesnt matter.
what matters is why ya drink and what ya want to do about it.
without addressing the underlying issues( i stayed drunk for 3 years straight after my dad died) , changing me and my actions, i wouldnt have gotten and remained sober. putting down the drink was not enough for me.

Meraviglioso

Hi and welcome to you, good for you for seeing the damage you are doing to yourself- your body, heart and soul. That was the part that crushed me the most, I felt like I was rotting away my very soul. There are so many people here who are living proof that it can be done and that it is worth it. You can too.

Verdantia

Welcome, Stumbling! I am very glad you are here. I've found SR to be instrumental in my getting and staying sober and I hope you stick around with us. It is a very good group of people who understand and want to help. Wishing you the best on your sober journey.

Culture

Welcome StumblingAlong.
Stick with it and us, you won't regret it!
You'll find all the support and help you need here, no need to be on your own.

Linners820

Hi stumbling,
So many of us can relate to using alcohol to lessen or numb out awful feelings. Glad you’re here and congrats on your day 4.

Mac4711

Stumbling,
Congrats on your decision to get sober! As you head into your first sober weekend, have you thought about what you will be doing differently? I think certain venues or times could trigger you and it’s best to anticipate that. Maybe even do something completly different this weekend, stuff that has nothing to do with alcohol, like ice climbing or crocheting? Anything that breaks up your old habits, lol!

DontRemember

This is true.. If you want to continue to better your situation(stay sober) you'll need a plan for the weekend. It might(will) seem boring,so make a plan. If you get pressured by peers play sick,go to a meeting,'whatever it takes'; is the attitude you have to have to stay sober.

StumblingAlong

I am a bit wary of what this weekend has in store, but am maintaining optimism to the extent I can. I have chosen to get out of town and visit my husband whom I have been separated from for over two years (yes, you guessed it, thanks in large part to alcohol). I explained to him that I do not wish to drink and hope that he can accept that and follow suit with me. I say this because he also struggles with alcohol and our entire relationship has revolved around drinking. Although our relationship is typically tumultuous, and I presume that much of this is due to alcohol, we have agreed to not drink, cook, go hiking and since we are both athletic, hit the gym each day. I am hoping that we can both fulfill these plans together, even if it's just as friends, so I can make it through my first weekend unscathed by the bottle.