Feeling Grateful
Member
Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: Northwest U.S.
Posts: 778
I'm sorry that you are in this dilemma SendaBoat. I don't know what I would do because I'm afraid that I would be feeling the same emotions as you. I don't believe that you are being selfish if you don't take your husband's son in. After all, he is 57 years old and you have worked your life so that you could enjoy your retirement, as modest as it might be. I think most would agree that you aren't being selfish. The thing about guilt and selfishness, though, is that if YOU are feeling that way, then it doesn't really matter what I or others feel.
If you do take your husband's son in, be prepared to cut him loose in the event of relapse, without the guilt. And make sure your husband is too. If he goes back to alcohol, then you are doing nothing but enabling him by continuing to offer him food and shelter.
Good luck to you and your husband.
If you do take your husband's son in, be prepared to cut him loose in the event of relapse, without the guilt. And make sure your husband is too. If he goes back to alcohol, then you are doing nothing but enabling him by continuing to offer him food and shelter.
Good luck to you and your husband.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 2
Thank you Soberandhonest, very much.
By the way, my original post that you replied to is below.
I did a copy/paste edit and made a mistake on what appears to be the post you replied to when below is what your response was intended.
......I will keep praying about what we should do. I am very careful about allowing my step son to live with us for I have trust issues, yet I want to reward him for 90 days of good behavior and encourage him to continue. Maybe he can find a job and then I would feel different about allowing him to live with us till he gets a couple of paychecks in his account and can make other plans.
But your words are encouraging. I feel shame for being selfish.
again, thank you.
FEELING SELFISH
I am retiring in 2 months and my husband’s 57 yr old son has abused alcohol and pot for decades was in final stages of alcoholism when he lost his job at the first of this year. He lived alone and worked from home so no one knew the extent of his disease. Going through detox alone nearly killed him when he could no longer afford alcohol. After 3 hospital stays of about 3 days each in denial of his problem he lost his home to foreclosure, vehicle also repossessed. My husband and I had offered a program for recovery to him but he continued to deny he had a problem. Several months later after 3 nights in a homeless shelter he wanted to accept this assistance. We have spent the money we had saved for our retirement vacation on his recovery program that will end in 2 weeks, and he will have been detoxed/sober 90 days in 2 more weeks.
3 months ago he needed a walker to walk and now has much improved. Alcoholic neuropathy remains a problem as he has abused alcohol more than we ever knew for perhaps 30 years, keeping this a secret from the family. His Dr. does not believe he can be approved for medicaid and he cannot draw social security till he is 62 (5 yrs from now).
His brothers and sisters have detached and are horrified that we have spent the money we have on him but we could not bring ourselves to deny what we had already offered once he was desperate and homeless. Sober now for about 90 days, he has not yet been able to find employment and may expect us to take him in. Our family tells us to let him go back to the homeless shelter if he cannot land employment as our income will be very low after I retire.
I was looking forward to spending special time with my husband and doing things we wanted to do, not having a house guest with no income to feed. I feel guilty for this selfishness. I want to help but I also want to afford to retire and keep our humble lifestyle. Selfish me says, "We didn't create this and we have done all we can do to help, the rest is up to him". Christian me says " Be a good Samaritan and allow him to stay as a guest till he can find a job....." Which my husband fears may be never.
Knowing I must be able to live with myself in my part of the decision I feel our options are to either sacrifice or feel guilty. If we sacrifice I fear I will become resentful, angry and bitter. If we tell him we have done all we can the rest is up to him then I will wake up nights with guilt.
By the way, my original post that you replied to is below.
I did a copy/paste edit and made a mistake on what appears to be the post you replied to when below is what your response was intended.
......I will keep praying about what we should do. I am very careful about allowing my step son to live with us for I have trust issues, yet I want to reward him for 90 days of good behavior and encourage him to continue. Maybe he can find a job and then I would feel different about allowing him to live with us till he gets a couple of paychecks in his account and can make other plans.
But your words are encouraging. I feel shame for being selfish.
again, thank you.
FEELING SELFISH
I am retiring in 2 months and my husband’s 57 yr old son has abused alcohol and pot for decades was in final stages of alcoholism when he lost his job at the first of this year. He lived alone and worked from home so no one knew the extent of his disease. Going through detox alone nearly killed him when he could no longer afford alcohol. After 3 hospital stays of about 3 days each in denial of his problem he lost his home to foreclosure, vehicle also repossessed. My husband and I had offered a program for recovery to him but he continued to deny he had a problem. Several months later after 3 nights in a homeless shelter he wanted to accept this assistance. We have spent the money we had saved for our retirement vacation on his recovery program that will end in 2 weeks, and he will have been detoxed/sober 90 days in 2 more weeks.
3 months ago he needed a walker to walk and now has much improved. Alcoholic neuropathy remains a problem as he has abused alcohol more than we ever knew for perhaps 30 years, keeping this a secret from the family. His Dr. does not believe he can be approved for medicaid and he cannot draw social security till he is 62 (5 yrs from now).
His brothers and sisters have detached and are horrified that we have spent the money we have on him but we could not bring ourselves to deny what we had already offered once he was desperate and homeless. Sober now for about 90 days, he has not yet been able to find employment and may expect us to take him in. Our family tells us to let him go back to the homeless shelter if he cannot land employment as our income will be very low after I retire.
I was looking forward to spending special time with my husband and doing things we wanted to do, not having a house guest with no income to feed. I feel guilty for this selfishness. I want to help but I also want to afford to retire and keep our humble lifestyle. Selfish me says, "We didn't create this and we have done all we can do to help, the rest is up to him". Christian me says " Be a good Samaritan and allow him to stay as a guest till he can find a job....." Which my husband fears may be never.
Knowing I must be able to live with myself in my part of the decision I feel our options are to either sacrifice or feel guilty. If we sacrifice I fear I will become resentful, angry and bitter. If we tell him we have done all we can the rest is up to him then I will wake up nights with guilt.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 611
To me, it seems that you've already sacrificed something important to you and your husband. And to your stepson's credit, 90 days is great, and it sounds like his health is coming around somewhat. But as soberandhonest suggested, maybe some ground rules are in order, i.e. employment or residence at a sober living house of some sort?
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