James90

I've not posted on here for a while but I feel I needed to after I woke up today. Most of you know a bit about my story so I'll just do a quick update aswell for those who don't. I was a weekend drinker from my teenage years which gradually over time turned into drinking my self into oblivion every day by the time I was in my mid twenties. I am an alcoholic and I think I always knew that but it took 14 days in hospital with severe alcoholic hepatitis for me to finally admit it to myself. Since that day I was rushed to hospital by my sister coughing and chucking up every colour imaginable,and in the worst pain I have ever felt, I am now 1 year 11 months sober.

Fast forward to today...

I am just simply not happy, I have a roof over my head, food on the table, some great friends, a supportive family and a job which is good enough for the time being ( but who really ever likes their job). I have nothing which really stands out to make me feel unhappy , I just feel down, tired, bored and alone. I used to be the most social person out there and I still do make the effort to see friends and family even now , but everything just doesn't feel the same as to when I was drinking. Now im not saying I want to start drinking again, no way. Of course I have my good and bad days like we all do but I have always managed to be strong and think of why I gave up in the first place which is good.

Some say I maybe depressed which I would hope not , because I do have more happy days than good but when I am abit down it does really hit me hard. And others say I simply haven't found anything to to replace the time in which I used to drink which leads to the boredom and nostalgic/old time/good ol' day thoughts , call them what you will, which I also agree with. Again I feel no obligation to drink but just lately I feel weaker and more vunerable than I ever have done since I've been sober . I'm worried to because of the holiday season fast approaching and it's always a difficult time of year , because the triggers and temptation are on red alert 24/7 . I know I'm strong enough to get through it , I've done it before and I know I will again.

I just don't really know what I'm feeling at the moment , maybe life hasn't turned out quite the way I would have liked. Maybe I am jealous of everyone who is able to have a drink and enjoy them selves , I have some great memories and of course some bad ones, but throughout all its faults In my own lil world I felt like I had a place to be, an identity. Now I just feel like even I don't know who I am anymore or what direction I should even be looking in . My life is so simple these days , but in my head it could not be more of a mess! I feel more lost and confused than I ever did when I was drinking.

As always sorry about the rambling but I needed to write that down. I hope you all are well.

Thanks,

James.

FreeOwl

While I had many times of happiness.... at just over a year I don't think I'd have reported being "HAPPY" either.

I was at that time only just becoming present enough, clear enough, out of the haze enough, physically, emotionally, mentally SOBER enough to begin really sorting through what the hell was the actual trouble with my life.

In year two I was able to start getting serious with therapy, revisiting step work, facing my own emotions, and becoming aware of and comfortable with Who I Really Am.

Keep at it, and use this feeling to guide you to the right ACTIONS that will deepen your sobriety.

Dig deep. Get honest. Follow feelings. Do the work.

Keep going, keep growing!

Dee74

Hi James

A lot of people think that depression means always feeling down or feeling sad but that wasn't the case for me.

I had moments when I wasn't sad but I rarely had moments of genuinely happy, content, and safe or only fleetingly felt that way. That felt false and like I hadn't earned them.

I was depressed for 20 years without knowing it, or without realising that what I felt was not normal.

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-fa...s-and-symptoms
https://depression.org.nz/is-it-depr...ety/self-test/

This isn't your first post about feeling this way so I think it's worth considering?.

D

SimplyFree

For many of us alcohol felt like the “color” in our lives. Painting reds and blues, allowing us to be free to express and engage. That part of us is still there, it’s not trapped, it just takes genuine effort to develop and express it. With alcohol, we felt free, but ended up making a fool and shaming ourselves. Now that we are sober we have to go out and engage and learn real humor, real caring, all the conversation and social skill that seems to be there with alcohol. It was only an illusion. To confirm that just watch drinking people , while sober and see if you really think they are at their best or smoothest. Boredom can be elliviated by pudding new interests and skills. You’ll be way ahead of the drinkers.

James90

Thanks Dee,

You could well be right, and if you're speaking from your own personal experience( hope all is well now) I'll definitely give it some thought. Probably quite a narrow minded opinion of mine but I always (and still do) see my self as the type who would battle on no matter what the situation , than ask for help which would be so much easier. Down to pride ? Maybe, but I've only ever felt comfortable trusting myself to get through things, asking for help just seems weak and easy. You will probably completely disagree with that, but that's just how I am, Becky right or wrong.

red3215

"but who really ever likes their job" Actually a lot of people like their jobs, and I've had a few I liked. I've noticed many people think they have to put up with a job they hate, because that's just how it goes.

A job can make you depressed, because we do spend a lot of our time there, after all. My job is definitely contributing to my depression so l'm hunting for another one. Here's a link to a woman's channel I just found and really like, Linda Raynier. She's a really inspirational person who thinks people should pursue careers they enjoy, and not settle for less. Also she gives some great advice as far as interviewing, how to be more confident, etc.

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCXU...able_polymer=1

It sounds like you could be depressed, and that's why you aren't finding things to do that you're interested in. One of the symptoms of depression is losing interest in things you normally enjoy, which can lead to boredom, and loneliness if it's making you want to socialize less. It may not be your job causing any or all of your unhappiness but it could be contributing.

Just some thoughts. Congratulations on being sober. Hang in there.

2ndhandrose

For me, the familiar way of powering through my depression, on my own, keeping it to myself, was the easier way.

Asking for help? That took an enormous amount of courage. It was a game changer for me.

soberclover

When I see/hear people say this once they are deeper in to their recovery journey, I always smile because I know that they are in the right place. It TOTALLY makes sense that you are feeling this way with this amount of time of sobriety. Life is happening now. The drama and chaos of your early recovery is at rest. Things have settled down. Many of us interpret this as sadness, boredom, basically something being off.

In my experience, this is where my real work began. Putting down the drink or the drug is necessary. But that, I discovered, was the easy part. Learning to LIVE a life free of drugs/alcohol....now that is hard. For me, I needed to engage in some pretty heavy duty counseling. Eventually, I started to get out of my comfort zone and to play around in the uncomfortable. I took on new challenges (I got my graduate degree for one) and I went back to AA meetings. For ME, this was what I needed as far as building a support network of people who were more like me. I needed sober people to spend time with and to talk with. And quite honestly, I needed someone to work the 12 steps with. But that is ME.

Berrybean

Sorry you're feeling so low.

Perhaps it time to reassess your recovery plan? Sometimes we start off making sure that we do certain things every day that will help us to live life on life's terms and fill the gap that alcohol left, and then those things start to get forgotten, and don't seem such a priority any more. At first we get away with ot doing those things, but gradually things can build up.

You sound like you want to be self-sufficient. And there's nothing wrong with taking responsibility for ourselves. But I know that I do need regular contact with others in recovery. If anyone is going to spot my thinking going off-kilter it's another alcoholic in recovery. Plus, they're more likely to call me out on it in a loving but no-nonsense way as well. I can only think of one person who I'd trust to do the same who is not in recovery (as far as I'm aware she isn't anyway - haha) and that's a lady who I've just approached to ask if she'd consider being my spiritual director linked to a course I'm doing to be a Lay Minister. It is really THAT unusual for me to meet people who understand my thinking outside of recovery. For that reason this place and the fellowship of AA is really important to my mental health and the quality of my sobriety. Sobriety is great - but it's recovery that adds the sparkle to it, as I found after spending the first 6 months NOT doing the recovery work that people suggested. I was so, so low at that point it was scary. Like you, there was nothing specifically wrong, but I just did not want to do it any more. I felt bereft half the time. And so confused as to what was wrong with me, and guilty for not being more grateful for what I had and that I had managed to get sober. Every time I was alone tears just spouted from nowhere. Honestly - whenever I drove anywhere alone my lap would be soaked with tears by the time I arrived. My GP was not much help at all. My boss referred me for counselling (being at a loss of what else to do with this mopey and useless teacher) after hoiking me in the office to try to get to the bottom of the change in me a number of times, and me (for once) not even blaming work. The counsellor experience didn't work out so well, as I couldn't being myself to be honest with her and tell her MY part in anything that had happened in the past. I sat there each week listening to myself spout loads of half-truths and rationalisations, and realised that actually I needed to find someone I COULD be honest with. And that, for me, needed to be another alcoholic in recovery. Sure people at AA help me But I also do service and help others. It's a 2-way street.

I have no idea if anything I experienced will be at all useful to you and your situation. I just thought I'd share just in case something rings familiar to you - I sincerely hope I am never back in that awful state of mind, and just as sincerely hope that you will find your way back to a place where life holds some hope, serenity and joy very soon.

Wishing you all the best for your continued sobriety and recovery.
BB

Anna

James, I agree with what Dee said. I was depressed from my teenage years and I really didn't know. I thought depressed people would stay in bed all day, never get dressed, that kind of thing. I was never like that, and I had good days, too. But, I know I wouldn't be in recovery today without finally getting my depression treated. For me, it levels the playing field and gives me a chance.

I'm sorry you're feeling down and I hope things improve.

doggonecarl

Sobriety can be attained by simply putting down the drink. But recovery can't. Most of us who have this happiness that eludes you had to work to get it. Recovery work. You can find it too. But I doubt it's going to fall out of a tree and hit you. Put in the effort to make the physical and mental changes you need to live and love the sober life.

heavencanwait

I totally get it. I also have had those days, more often than not. I find I just start crying out of the blue some days. I am a day away from 4 months sober after years of drinking (30 plus). Physically I feel like I am getting sort of back on track, but mentally I am still challenged. I have experienced the loss of my 9 year old Yorkie when I first got sober, and I really have no family now (except my children) who are on their own and doing their own thing, I have always been that strong stubborn type who never reaches out for a sympathetic ear or a shoulder to cry on. Have been like that since my early teens (had a chaotic childhood). Like 2ndhandrose said, that eventually we have to reach out for help. For me I am just not ready. I think we need to give in to our stubbornness and not be afraid that seeking help (therapy) will probably help us along this new path. Remember we picked up the first drink and kept going for a reason, Being sober is bringing this to light for me....hence why I think I am all over the map emotionally. I have put a quote with my signature to remind me of how much I am accomplishing day by day.

James90

Thanks for all the replies guys...

I will stick with it, maybe the pieces of the puzzle just aren't meant to quite fit togeather for me at this moment in time, but I'll hang in there.

Dee74

I think maybe in one of those links I posted it talks about that mindset,. especially with men.

Males are meant to do stuff, fix stuff, not feel and just plough on regardless...

I was bought up that way - but my inability to ask for help was crippling me - and in my case leading me again and again to the bottle.

I don't believe that there are things about us that are set in stone, James and I don't believe we should settle right or wrong for character traits that perhaps really don't do us much good?

It's up to you of course, but I certainly don't think we should settle for a situation where we feel fundamentally and chronically unhappy.

D

tomsteve

one definition of recovery:
the action or process of regaining possession or control of something stolen or lost.

what have you been putting into your recovery, James?
have ya done anything more than putting down the drink?
looking back through threads of yours, it reads like this is a theme thats been happening for quite some time, but i didnt read anything done to address the problem.

when i stop living in the problem and begin living in the solution, the problem goes away.