Newbie here!

Old 10-23-2017, 08:46 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
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Newbie here!

Hi everyone,
So happy to have found this forum.

I have been with my partner for about 18 months. He told me early on that he knows he has a problem with drinking and we now live together and I really want to support him.

He drinks nearly every day - a bottle of wine, a bottle of gin and a small bottle of vodka. I don't drink at all except on special occasions so he has this all to himself. On weekends he drinks more. If we go out for an event he drinks until he can't stand and vomits etc. He doesn't seem to have any ability to stop until he passes out.

He is not abusive. He is a 'happy drunk', never aggressive or violent. But I can't stand the thought of how unhealthy and unhappy he is.

He says the only things that make him happy are drinking and smoking (cigarettes). He works full time and likes his job but is always tired and spends a lot of time in bed. On the weekends he doesn't get up til about 2pm. He never drinks at work.

I'm completely lost as to how to help him. He says he wants to cut down but doesn't want to be sober. I feel like he needs to be sober but what do I do when he clearly isn't ready?

He says he finds it patronising when people try to support and encourage him. Please someone tell me what to do next.

Thanks so much
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Old 10-23-2017, 09:03 AM
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Very tough. I have a liquor problem. Can't stop when I start. My wife is caring and supportive. Initially her concern annoyed me. I told her to just avoid me when I was in drinking mode. This is not possible. Then I told her to just be supportive and kind. She was. It didn't stop the drinking. It's a cliche, but it has to come from within. The person has to reach a point I think where they themselves realise that enough is enough. Unfortunately, on the way we impact other lives. I think maybe you can consider encouraging him in indirect ways. Not telling him to stop or cut down. But showing how much fun you can have when sober. I can only imagine what kind of a challenge this is. My wife was there for me and supportive and encouraged fun that did not involve drinking. It helped. Good luck.
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Old 10-23-2017, 10:04 AM
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Thanks so much for the replies
I think it's time to have a serious talk - one that I don't chicken out of and he can avoid lol.

He does also say that I make him happy. And we do have a happy life together but yes, I don't want to be in denial. I know I'm an after thought to addiction. That's the nature of it.

I'm also very concerned because we are having to move to his mums house for a few months while we build our house. His mum is a heavy drinker and I know this won't help him. It will just make alcohol more easily accessible and socially acceptable
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Old 10-23-2017, 04:16 PM
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Hi and welcome abbiegrace

Its a tough one because noone could have stopped me drinking until I wanted to, and like your partner I believed that alcohol and drugs were the only thing that made me happy.

It might be a long road.

I'm glad you found us tho - there's a lot of support and understanding here
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Old 10-23-2017, 05:07 PM
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He told you early on he has a problem.

The problem will not go away. In fact, drinking is progressive. It justs gets worse. You can accept him, or let him go. All of your support and talk do not mean anything without him wanting it. You cannot fix it. I made so many promises to my ex to slow down. I meant them, I just could not keep them.
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Old 10-23-2017, 05:20 PM
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I hope I copied the link to Friends and Family Forum correctly. You might want to check out that forum and talk with other people in similar situations.

I think building a house and living with two active alcoholics, will be stressful, so think about how you'll care for your own needs too.
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Old 10-23-2017, 06:02 PM
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Hi Abbiegrace. It's good to have you with us.

I'm sorry to agree with the others, but no one could have stopped me from drinking until I acknowledged the problem myself. I hope being here to talk things over will help. I'm glad you're taking a hard look at what life might be like if he's going to continue this way. I hope you'll keep posting.
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Old 10-23-2017, 06:05 PM
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Hi Abbie ! Nice to meet you this is a really great group glad you found us! Lots f support and good advice here. Hugs!
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Old 10-24-2017, 04:44 AM
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Thank you so much everyone.
I have certainly learnt a lot in just the short time I've been on this forum.
I have found an al-anon group near me and I have also shared with my partner that I would like to go. He was receptive to me going but said he didn't think he had that serious of a problem. He said he was just stressed at the moment and drinking is just him coping. Typical addict talk.
Currently the only issue I have with his drinking is his health. Even when drunk he is loving and kind and gentle. But I'm not willing to do nothing and let it escalate.
So my plan is to go to the group and get more information for ME and what my plan is for MY life. I'm scared and sad that the plan to be with this man for the rest of my life might not be the right one, but I'm also willing to give him a chance to recognise his problem and make an effort. Does that sound reasonable or disillusioned?
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Old 10-24-2017, 05:20 AM
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Go for you to the meeting. Make plans for you. Protect you and the rest will follow.
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