Losing hope fast
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 3
Losing hope fast
Well this is my first attempt at reaching out for advice , so here it goes...
About a year ago I met a man that made my heart skip and put a permanent smile on my face. He's such a great, loving, kind person and wow does he seem like the male version of MYSELF. We became almost instant lovers and best friends.
Being that it's been new and fun and how extremely happy I felt, I will admit I turned a blind eye to his drinking. I have always been a social drinker not an everyday drinker. Being with him made me more social than I'm used to though. Aside from going out, we have been drinking at home (nightly) . I have been very happy with this set up until I realized that I was the only one to ever initiate sex after the first month or so. That's when I really realized he had a serious drinking problem. He would cone up with every excuse in the world as to why we should 'wait ' til later..
Him being 29 and me 35, his fav excuse was that I'm in my prime and I just want it more than him right now. This has driven me almost into depression lately.
He will flirt and kiss and be so lovey dovey, but nooo sex until he's got his buzz on. This is so very frustrating when we text back and forth sexy texts/pics at work and he does not follow through when we get home!
The problem gets bigger , now that I've fallen in LOVE and feel like he is my world..
Monday, I had to take him to the ER for severe stomach pain. We found out he has pancreatitis, and the doctor told him if he continues to drink there is no doubt he will die very soon!!
He is still in the hospital now being treated and detoxing at the same time. He is distraught over the thought of never having another drink.
My family and friends are screaming 'run far fast ' at me! Me, having the big heart I do, I wanna try to be there for him and help. But I do not want to spend my life feeling 2nd best over a drink!
Does anyone have experience with this? Might he resent me? I'm scared to tell him to go.... and scared to stay with him!
Any advice/ stories would help. 😢😓
About a year ago I met a man that made my heart skip and put a permanent smile on my face. He's such a great, loving, kind person and wow does he seem like the male version of MYSELF. We became almost instant lovers and best friends.
Being that it's been new and fun and how extremely happy I felt, I will admit I turned a blind eye to his drinking. I have always been a social drinker not an everyday drinker. Being with him made me more social than I'm used to though. Aside from going out, we have been drinking at home (nightly) . I have been very happy with this set up until I realized that I was the only one to ever initiate sex after the first month or so. That's when I really realized he had a serious drinking problem. He would cone up with every excuse in the world as to why we should 'wait ' til later..
Him being 29 and me 35, his fav excuse was that I'm in my prime and I just want it more than him right now. This has driven me almost into depression lately.
He will flirt and kiss and be so lovey dovey, but nooo sex until he's got his buzz on. This is so very frustrating when we text back and forth sexy texts/pics at work and he does not follow through when we get home!
The problem gets bigger , now that I've fallen in LOVE and feel like he is my world..
Monday, I had to take him to the ER for severe stomach pain. We found out he has pancreatitis, and the doctor told him if he continues to drink there is no doubt he will die very soon!!
He is still in the hospital now being treated and detoxing at the same time. He is distraught over the thought of never having another drink.
My family and friends are screaming 'run far fast ' at me! Me, having the big heart I do, I wanna try to be there for him and help. But I do not want to spend my life feeling 2nd best over a drink!
Does anyone have experience with this? Might he resent me? I'm scared to tell him to go.... and scared to stay with him!
Any advice/ stories would help. 😢😓
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I'm going with "run far fast."
Sorry. The other way lies pain, sorrow, frustration (both emotional and sexual,) anger, bewilderment and the list goes on.
If he doesn't quit, how will you feel about that? And how long are you willing to wait until he gets into treatment? I've made some pretty poor relationship choices in the past but one thing is for sure. . .what you see is what you get.
Sorry. The other way lies pain, sorrow, frustration (both emotional and sexual,) anger, bewilderment and the list goes on.
If he doesn't quit, how will you feel about that? And how long are you willing to wait until he gets into treatment? I've made some pretty poor relationship choices in the past but one thing is for sure. . .what you see is what you get.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,780
I would also advise you to leave him. Dealing with an alcoholic is hard on people. And the fact that he doesn't want to stop drinking, even with a fatal prognosis, is a bad sign. 
I hope you can have the strength to leave him and make a good life for yourself.
I hope you can have the strength to leave him and make a good life for yourself.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,510
Your boyfriend is distraught at the idea of never drinking again, so does he intend to continue drinking in view of his dangerous health issue?
I hope that you focus on yourself and do what is best for you.
I hope that you focus on yourself and do what is best for you.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, Sosad.
Welcome.
You are so right. You do not want to be 2nd best over a drink.
Sadly, you are, because your SO appears to be drinking waaaay too much.
Life with an alcohol dependent person is a hard, sad road. It will just get worse for you both as time goes on.
Btw, pancreatitis at 29 is no joke.
Agree with your family, friends and the other posters.
Let this one go.
He will break your heart.
Welcome.
You are so right. You do not want to be 2nd best over a drink.
Sadly, you are, because your SO appears to be drinking waaaay too much.
Life with an alcohol dependent person is a hard, sad road. It will just get worse for you both as time goes on.
Btw, pancreatitis at 29 is no joke.
Agree with your family, friends and the other posters.
Let this one go.
He will break your heart.
Friendly Folk
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Powers Lake, Wisconsin
Posts: 21,718
Run, baby, run! If being in the hospital with a serious condition doesn't wake him up to his life or death situation, nothing will. Think of your future with him. He will continue drinking, he will get sicker and sicker, he will be totally dependant on someone to take care of him until his short life is over. He will be miserable and helpless and will make you that way, too. Think about your future.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 3
Thank you everyone for listening and the feedback. Just found out he will be discharged tomorrow and I'm totally terrified. We will have the treatment talk once he gets out and I will not tolerate even one sip. I feel like he deserves one chance to put his life before alcohol, and if he cannot do it for himself, he will have to go. I refuse to be the one to come home and find him dead, because he didn't want to try. He's saying he knows he cannot drink and will kick it in the ass... but i have little hope that is true yet.
Everyone deserves a chance , but one chance is all I've got in me for this big of a problem.
I'll post again soon with how things are coming along.
Thank you everyone for listening!!
Everyone deserves a chance , but one chance is all I've got in me for this big of a problem.
I'll post again soon with how things are coming along.
Thank you everyone for listening!!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: Caledon, ON
Posts: 130
If he is 29 and in the situation he is in odds are good (sorry if I am assuming) he has been drinking for quite some time, and quite a bit. If you really wish to stay with him it is absolutely time for him to commit to treatment. So stick to your no second chance promise.
Friendly Folk
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Powers Lake, Wisconsin
Posts: 21,718
Consider going to Al-Anon for additional strength and support. You might have a battle ahead of you when he gets home and realizes that he needs to fill his distructive "drinking time" with something constructive like going to a meeting or joining us here at SR.
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
I think that's a just decision, Sosad.
Just stick to your guns, though. One sip and you're out permanently, no wiggle room. Ever.
He is the only person who can decide to stop drinking. There is absolutely nothing another person can do to "get" an addict to stop. Sad but true.
Did anyone mention the Friends and Family section on this forum? I'll bet there's also a lot of good support there, too. (You landed in a section where mainly alcoholics post, so you know now that your instinct is right - because we were that guy in some form or fashion.)
You sound like a lovely woman. Don't compromise your own well-being for the sake of another.
O
For what it's worth, I also don't want to quit drinking. But I know that's what needs to be done and I'm doing it. Just because a person grieves or is reluctant to give up their substance doesn't mean they can't do it.
Just stick to your guns, though. One sip and you're out permanently, no wiggle room. Ever.
He is the only person who can decide to stop drinking. There is absolutely nothing another person can do to "get" an addict to stop. Sad but true.
Did anyone mention the Friends and Family section on this forum? I'll bet there's also a lot of good support there, too. (You landed in a section where mainly alcoholics post, so you know now that your instinct is right - because we were that guy in some form or fashion.)
You sound like a lovely woman. Don't compromise your own well-being for the sake of another.
O
For what it's worth, I also don't want to quit drinking. But I know that's what needs to be done and I'm doing it. Just because a person grieves or is reluctant to give up their substance doesn't mean they can't do it.
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
Sos,
Many many normies and addicts never get what most here are preaching.
You can try to offer your man the link to this site, he might listen.
If not, you can take a chance w him or run. My wife was totally uneducated about booze. She still is. She refuses to investigate on her own and refuses to listen.
I am clean but i worry she is starting to drink more and actually hide it from me.
She is 50 and as long as she doesn't drink and drive or get violent, she probably can drink until she is in her 90's and be fine. She has never drank much until recently.
Thanks.
Many many normies and addicts never get what most here are preaching.
You can try to offer your man the link to this site, he might listen.
If not, you can take a chance w him or run. My wife was totally uneducated about booze. She still is. She refuses to investigate on her own and refuses to listen.
I am clean but i worry she is starting to drink more and actually hide it from me.
She is 50 and as long as she doesn't drink and drive or get violent, she probably can drink until she is in her 90's and be fine. She has never drank much until recently.
Thanks.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 3
Doing better than I expected so far...
Thank you to all who commented and gave your advice. He has not had one sip of alcohol in 10 days . He has a positive attitude and appears to be coping well with the mental part of this. I'm thankful he was medically detoxed due to the pancreatitis or this may have been a very different outcome. I can only pray that he doesn't give into temptation as time goes on.
Have a great day everyone, and stay strong! GOD BLESS!!
Have a great day everyone, and stay strong! GOD BLESS!!
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
That's great news, Sosad! You probably need to change your username now. 
Is he doing anything for support? Are you doing anything to support yourself? (I'm thinking of AA and Alanon, but IOP is another good option out of the many...)
Is he doing anything for support? Are you doing anything to support yourself? (I'm thinking of AA and Alanon, but IOP is another good option out of the many...)
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