Old 10-18-2017, 12:47 AM
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I have just completed 2 years sober, and I have to say that I have never felt worse.

The magical improvement after giving up drinking that is talked about everywhere within and outside the recovery community has just never happened for me.

In fact, quite the opposite is the case.

I am more depressed, anxious, and unable to function than I have ever been in my life.

For 30 years, I used alcohol as a kind of "rocket-fuel" to take me out of myself and push me to engage with life, and for a long time it definitely helped: I am certain that I would never have achieved the professional, relationship, travel and musical goals that I have done without it.

But it was killing me, so I gave it up. And now it is like I have ceased to exist. I cannot relate to my wife or anyone else, I am totally incapable of playing music, writing, or even leaving the house for the most part.

I am receiving intensive pharmacological and psychological treatment for depression and anxiety, all to no apparent avail.

I do not mean to detract in any way from the improved lives of everyone else who has embraced recovery - it just hasn't been the case for me.

And I have absolutely no idea what to do about it.
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Old 10-18-2017, 12:52 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
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Hi Subcomandante - welcome

I'm sorry that things aren't great for you - I doubt they'd be much better if you returned to drinking tho?

I know for a while, I just lived my life as I always had - and I wondered why I was miserable.

It took me a while to realise I was still living a drinkers life - I stayed home, watched tv and did very little else.

Fine for a drinker but not tolerable when I was sober.

Have you made many changes outside of just not drinking?

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Old 10-18-2017, 01:46 AM
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Two years sober.
Your doing something right.
Read loads here... Keep posting and get new help.
Sometimes we have to face our demons to know who and what they are.
This helped me with stress, anxiety and relaxing :
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Old 10-18-2017, 04:50 AM
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Have you started any hobbies outside of music? Sorry to hear you lost your Muse. What about your spirit? Are you meditating or writing a gratitude list? Helping others in any way? Excercising? Journaling? anything to take you outside yourself. Glad you joined us.
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Old 10-18-2017, 05:28 AM
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Hi Subcomandante, sorry to hear about your malaise. I can't relate to anyone either and it turns out that my old "buddies" always secretly thought of me as a creepy, amoral influence anyway, so... What kind of music do you play?
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Old 10-18-2017, 05:51 AM
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Totally relate to your post. You aren't alone. I'm here to say, for me, it's getting better in small incremental steps, like a 'cha-cha' dance.

You just have to bear with it. Freedom hasn't come in one big sonic BOOM, at least, it hasn't been that way for me. Some people seem to recovery quickly, others slowly. I'm one of the slow-cookers:-/ Making peace with that fact has helped me accept the journey.

As someone else mentioned, those demons? It takes time unearthing the dark entities and allowing them entry into your conscious awareness. Once they are out of hiding, so to speak, I look at them and see them for what they are, just different aspects of being human.

Hang in there, it does get better.
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