Why me
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 1,518
Why me
In 1971 I left school at 15 years old and it was near that time I tasted my first drink of beer and I loved it instantly . Alcohol was easy to get and dirt cheep ( it still is ) . My mates and I had certain hang out places in the village where we would do what teenagers do with a few cans of beer . Usually this only happened on a Friday night but when I got my first job I had some extra money as did my buddies ( there were tons of jobs in those days ) the little drinking sessions increased . I was a normal lad ,not loud ,maybe slightly shybut not that much different from all the others except for one thing , one big thing .... I wanted more alcohol than the rest of the boys , I was always disappointed when our stash was gone and in those days the licencing hours were much less than now . Why was it that I was never content with the same buzz as the rest ? Even at the tender age of 16 was I already an alcoholic ? . Anyway this went on for year or so till eventually we were bold enough to try the pub , some would let us in some wouldn't , the age limit in UK has always been 18 some are 21 .
My drinking sessions increased and the amounts at each session increased , I would always be quite drunk but not fall down drunk . I started to prefer older company , guys in middle 20s or so .... rather than go to clubs I felt safer in the little pub.
My Father died at 48 while I was 18 years old and this had a huge impact on my confidence and I used alcohol more and more .
I remember this next part so clearly : it was a Sunday afternoon in the month of February 2 months after my Father died . I was drinking in the local miners club and I felt the weirdest sensation of unreality , people were talking but there was silence , I wasn't me I was not here , no one was real , I was terrified . I decided to go home the 1/2 mile walk to my house which my twin brother and I shared with my mother . She commented that I looked worried or words to that effect . I went to bed saying it must be the flu or something . I was still having these weird frightful sensations which lasted right into the next day . From that Sunday in 1974 I was never to be the same with what I now know was a panic attack and anxiety disorder probably brought on my unresolved emotions about my father and huge amounts of alcohol . A vicious cycle set in which was to last till I reached the age of about 50 . panic -anxiety-fear-benzodiazepine ( ativan or valium ) and alcohol .
Why me ?
Out of 5 siblings why did I become an alcoholic ? was there a predisposition already in place . Do I need to know now ? not really now !!!
If I had known that when I had that first panic attack and what it really was and that by using alcohol and benzos to get me feeling better would my life have been much different .
How many of us on here say IF ONLY I'D KNOWN .
For the young members here don't wait till your 60 and look back saying why me ? if only ? look closely at yourself today .
My drinking sessions increased and the amounts at each session increased , I would always be quite drunk but not fall down drunk . I started to prefer older company , guys in middle 20s or so .... rather than go to clubs I felt safer in the little pub.
My Father died at 48 while I was 18 years old and this had a huge impact on my confidence and I used alcohol more and more .
I remember this next part so clearly : it was a Sunday afternoon in the month of February 2 months after my Father died . I was drinking in the local miners club and I felt the weirdest sensation of unreality , people were talking but there was silence , I wasn't me I was not here , no one was real , I was terrified . I decided to go home the 1/2 mile walk to my house which my twin brother and I shared with my mother . She commented that I looked worried or words to that effect . I went to bed saying it must be the flu or something . I was still having these weird frightful sensations which lasted right into the next day . From that Sunday in 1974 I was never to be the same with what I now know was a panic attack and anxiety disorder probably brought on my unresolved emotions about my father and huge amounts of alcohol . A vicious cycle set in which was to last till I reached the age of about 50 . panic -anxiety-fear-benzodiazepine ( ativan or valium ) and alcohol .
Why me ?
Out of 5 siblings why did I become an alcoholic ? was there a predisposition already in place . Do I need to know now ? not really now !!!
If I had known that when I had that first panic attack and what it really was and that by using alcohol and benzos to get me feeling better would my life have been much different .
How many of us on here say IF ONLY I'D KNOWN .
For the young members here don't wait till your 60 and look back saying why me ? if only ? look closely at yourself today .
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Minnesota, USA
Posts: 1,468
Thank you for sharing.
I know that I often asked my self "why can't I be a normie"
I don't like to think about "if I had known" because, I would not be here, where I am today, where I am supposed to be, "had I known". There may be a few things I would have changed, like the infidelities or the harsh words used to my partner when in a blackout. Even those things have brought my partner to a better understanding of WHY I am not able to drink, ever again. We don't want to travel that path again. He was also in denial about my alcoholism, he "allowed" me to drink, we both tried to manage it until it became unmanageable, imagine that?!
I know that I often asked my self "why can't I be a normie"
I don't like to think about "if I had known" because, I would not be here, where I am today, where I am supposed to be, "had I known". There may be a few things I would have changed, like the infidelities or the harsh words used to my partner when in a blackout. Even those things have brought my partner to a better understanding of WHY I am not able to drink, ever again. We don't want to travel that path again. He was also in denial about my alcoholism, he "allowed" me to drink, we both tried to manage it until it became unmanageable, imagine that?!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 328
Thomas, at an AA meeting last Friday I heard someone describe exactly what you did there at the miners club 2 months after the loss of your father.
Everything slowing down, voices and laughter and hustle and bustle just being dulled right down and muffled into silence before the realisation that enough was enough etc.
It continues to intrigue and amaze me how similar the experiences can be between us chosen few ( said with tongue firmly in cheek)
I have and still am asking the why me questions but am starting to make peace with the fact that I am never going to get answer.
Taking solace in something I heard which is “you are exactly where you are supposed to be”
Great Post Thomas and certainly a prod for those who may be able to get a handle on this thing sooner rather than later.
Thank you
Everything slowing down, voices and laughter and hustle and bustle just being dulled right down and muffled into silence before the realisation that enough was enough etc.
It continues to intrigue and amaze me how similar the experiences can be between us chosen few ( said with tongue firmly in cheek)
I have and still am asking the why me questions but am starting to make peace with the fact that I am never going to get answer.
Taking solace in something I heard which is “you are exactly where you are supposed to be”
Great Post Thomas and certainly a prod for those who may be able to get a handle on this thing sooner rather than later.
Thank you
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 1,518
Thanks guys ,
Obviously there is a whole lifetime of events ,occurrences, family,work ,friends
Life in general really and don't get me wrong lots of it was good, most of it was good , i wasn't ever a bad person , I got married at 21 to a lovely 20 year old red head and we are still together with 3 of a family . We went through 2 quite major rough patches which were resolved with a lot of effort . Even away back then I would go sober for 2 weeks NEVER thinking I was an alcoholic but I knew I drank differently from most around me . It wasnt till I got older I realised something had to change with regards to my drinking and eventually I began longer spells of sobriety , joined AA and stayed sober 2 years then found you guys and had various spells of sobriety .
Looking back I missed so many good career opportunities due to a certain insecurity and lack of belief in myself but that's life ,that was me and as said above I am where i need to be and things are not so bad .
When I put things into perspective looking round about me and at many parts of our world today I am very lucky .
My daughter is days away from having her 4th child the only girl of 4 grandchildren so thats exiting . Its my middle son,s birthday (24) today so i,m about to prepare a finger buffet for later on .
Thanks to SR for everything .
Sometimes when we post we get stuff out , it doesn't need to be bad stuff just a general vent can be very helpful .
Obviously there is a whole lifetime of events ,occurrences, family,work ,friends
Life in general really and don't get me wrong lots of it was good, most of it was good , i wasn't ever a bad person , I got married at 21 to a lovely 20 year old red head and we are still together with 3 of a family . We went through 2 quite major rough patches which were resolved with a lot of effort . Even away back then I would go sober for 2 weeks NEVER thinking I was an alcoholic but I knew I drank differently from most around me . It wasnt till I got older I realised something had to change with regards to my drinking and eventually I began longer spells of sobriety , joined AA and stayed sober 2 years then found you guys and had various spells of sobriety .
Looking back I missed so many good career opportunities due to a certain insecurity and lack of belief in myself but that's life ,that was me and as said above I am where i need to be and things are not so bad .
When I put things into perspective looking round about me and at many parts of our world today I am very lucky .
My daughter is days away from having her 4th child the only girl of 4 grandchildren so thats exiting . Its my middle son,s birthday (24) today so i,m about to prepare a finger buffet for later on .
Thanks to SR for everything .
Sometimes when we post we get stuff out , it doesn't need to be bad stuff just a general vent can be very helpful .
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