Why why why?!
 

It is taking EVERYTHING in me to post right now. Only after being awake and riddled with anxiety for the last 7 hours (it’s 5:30am where I’m at, been awake - and hungover - since a little after 10:30 last night), have I mustered up the courage to post. Been reading here as much as I feel I can, however.

I need some encouragement. I don’t know what to do.

As I posted last week, I had a couple opportunities knocking at my door. Within a week I don’t know how everything seems to have changed. I was dead set on rehab. Having this seemingly land in my lap felt like a god-send. First, I contacted my old supervisor and let him know very politely I was declining his offer of my previous position back. I wasn’t forthcoming about why, but didn’t feel the need to be. Then, I called the lady who I was referred to, the one who manages a couple rehabs in my area. Well, she never returned my call. I suppose I should attempt another call (called and left a voicemail a week ago Friday) but I’m scared. I feel needy, and SO anxious.

I’m SO tired of living this way. I’ve been known to interchange substances too. I don’t really feel too at risk for drug use again as I don’t know anyone who could/would supply me with anything. Guess alcohol just comes easier as it’s of course available seemingly everywhere. I feel like I can’t hide this anymore, in any way shape or form. And again, as I wrote in my post last week, pretty sure those closest to me are aware of my problem. I’ve reached out for help to my family and friends many times, this last time I truly felt I was screaming at the top of my lungs. I know I’ve got to reach further but I’m feeling like I have zero energy left. My ears are literally ringing right now. Sometimes I feel positive and that I can do this, just take it a little further with trying to help myself. Other times I feel incredibly winded, tired, drained, etc.

Getting tired of reading and dealing with my own bs. I know I do need a plan, guess now it’s a matter of having a bit more courage and a lot more energy.

I am sorry for all of my ramblings. Even as I stew in my negativity and anxiety, I’m still very grateful to have found this site over a year ago now. Many thanks to you all. Hoping one day I can sit back and post a sober date of more than a week or so.

why not just go to rehab and get all over this monster......

Life in clean and sober territory is so much better.... a jumpstart into that life and over this hump would be a blessing.

:grouphug:

I suppose I should attempt another call (called and left a voicemail a week ago Friday) but I’m scared. I feel needy, and SO anxious.

scared of what? what rehab is gonna do? fear of the unknown,as in what life without alcohol will be like?
get some courage and pick up the thousand pound phone.
and toss the needy crap out as an excuse not to call.
either that or stop being needy and start being wanty- want sobriety.

let us know how the phone call went,eh?

Thank you so, so much for responding FreeOwl. I guess I never really thought about just “going” to rehab. Like literally just showing up. That thought is extremely scary to me, I have horrible social anxiety. Even just going to meetings in the past have scared me. Hate talking in groups, as I typically break down into tears almost immediately when talking about anything emotional (funny, that’s gotten worse as the drinking as progressed over the years). Gotta break the cycle somehow though. Thank you again.

Hi tomsteve, thanks for being real. Think I really need that sometimes. I will call again today, and I will post after with results. Thank you.

Hi, GreenSwimmer.

Sorry you are having such a hard time right now.

Good for you for posting.

Ok, a few short notes.

1. Reach out to that rehab lady again. There may be hundreds reasons why she didn't return the call. Hear you about feeling needy, anxious and vulnerable. Do it anyway. Detach yourself from what anyone can think of you. Just literally approach the phone, dial the number, say the words. Done. Proceed from there.

2. Drinking triggers lots of anxiety on itself. Do whatever it takes not to pick up again.

3. Yes, you are tired, exhausted, irritated, angry. If you do something to change the situation for better than, say two weeks from now, you will be in better place, If not - you are still in this hell circle.

There is always something you can do. There is always something in your control. Identify those things and go from there.

Best wishes.

Thank you so much. Sometimes hearing all of that encouragement is something I need. I’m very grateful for your reply and advice!

Just checking in, as I said I would. I called the rehab lady again. Left another voicemail. I was scared to do it, but once I left that message, it gave me a feeling of empowerment. Still tired and anxious, but overall doing ok, for what it is.

You can do it

I hope you get that callback GS :)

D

Reaching out is great, but taking action is even better. Keep calling and calling if you want to go to rehab. Taking action of any kind will help you feel better and get you on the right path.

You guys!!
 

Guess what I am doing tomorrow at 9am...

Rehab!! With a 5-7 day detox right there onsite. I can hardly believe I’m typing these words out...

I feel unbelievably blessed. I’m sobbing. My mother in law is taking me in the morning. I spent about 2 hours on the phone this afternoon arranging all of this and I am floored at the empowerment I am feeling.

At 32 years old, it’s time to gain my life back! Thank you all immensely for your love & support. It’s a 45-90 day deal, no cell phone of course but I knew that going in. I’m gonna be so dang happy to report back whenever I’ve accomplished this!!!

:tyou

Anna, thank you for your encouragement now and the other week when I was tipping over. I’m looking forward to posting and messaging you when I’m well on the road to recovery. Many, many thanks.

Dee, thank you SO much! I didn’t get that call back, but I literally forced myself to call around, and got a bed in the morning!! Can’t explain how elated I am. Your support, and this site (and now rehab!) is going to save my life. Can’t wait to report back in a couple months!!

Ashley, thank you so very much!

Thats great GS - all my very best wishes to you :)

D

Thank you again Dee! You’re an inspiration, as are all of you other sober folks! Already can’t wait to join the Gratitude thread once I’m done. Haven’t felt worthy quite yet but I know I will!

Hi Green Swimmer,

Just want to wish you lots of luck withnrehab, I can't wait to hear all of the wonderful updates in a few months!!

Thank you so much, Delilah! Wide awake and scared but I’m doing this in a matter of 8-9 hours.

Hi, GS

There's nothing scary about rehab, I promise. It is absolutely the most physically comfortable way I've experience early recovery. Things may annoy you, but that's a different story. As long as you keep an open mind and soak up all of your education and experiences as if it were your job (it is, right now!), you'll be fine.

The tools you learn to use in rehab and your newly resolved true self will be your armor when you return to the real world. :)

O