SoulfulThinker

I haven't drank in about 25 days. It's been pretty easy up until these last couple days. I am a pretty solid binge drinker. Once I start I either don't want to stop, or struggle the rest of the night trying to talk myself down off that ledge. Once I blackout I'm a totally intolerable, cruel person. I can go a few days or maybe a week without drinking, but crave it in between and anytime I can fit it in I will. I also love drinking at "inappropriate times", like in the middle of the day or sneaking shots when no one else is looking, drinking a beer while being in the passenger seat etc, just because I can do what I want (like I have something to prove, or like this somehow makes me feel in control of my life). I mostly don't drink at these inappropriate times or places, but when I start to give into those urges I realize that the binging is getting too bad, along with more frequent blackouts. I decided I wanted to quit, because I'm sick of playing with fire. I come from a family of alcoholic's and was raised around people who love self-destructing/ self-loathing. I've seen first hand family members ruin their minds, bodies, and futures to alcohol.

Sometimes, it's hard though. Like right now. I went out with friends after clinical tonight, and most of them were drinking. I knew this would be difficult for me, but didn't want to be the only one not going out to celebrate the end of our class. Since I was a teenager I used alcohol to socialize and feel comfortable around other people. I quit for 3 months at the beginning of the year, and really enjoyed starting to feel comfortable in my own skin, sober around other people. It was an eye opening experience, and gives me motivation to stay sober this time.

Anyway, tonight at dinner. A friend and fellow binge-drinker says to me, "You're really not gonna have a drink?" and then proceeds to remind me of the feeling of "I'm back" that comes with the first sip. I really wanted to order a drink after that, but I didn't. I feel guilty for missing the feeling that alcohol gives me, the feeling of "being myself". But that's a huge reason why I don't want to drink, I don't want to need alcohol to be myself. After leaving dinner I really just wanted to stop at the store and tie one on, "just because I can".. But I didn't, I'm home and tired and gonna lay my head down sober.

Reading all these posts about others who have been sober so long and relapsed, makes me feel like I should just relapse and get it over with? Substance abuse is a disease, and relapse is a symptom of that disease. So why even struggle now with being sober if I'm bound to live with this disease and it's symptoms?

I know my life will be much better if I don't drink, but it's hard. I feel boring, uncomfortable, and like a part of me is missing. I'm hopeful because I know that when I wake up in the morning I will face this with a clearer head. But I could use some encouragement.

Mags1

Hi SoulfulThinker, welcome to SR.

It's not easy giving up and even harder not going back to drinking. It felt so alien that I didn't have a drink in my hand, for the first few months of sobriety I did what I did when I drank but sober. That doesn't work.

Nothing's going to change of nothing's going to change.. I heard that a lot and I'm sure you may also when you read the threads here on SR.

We don't have the prop that booze gave us and we have to learn to live sober.

On a positive note, there is life after alcohol, a much better life which I never believed there could be. I hope you find it too.

Dee74

Hi soulful Thinker - welcoem

Yeah I drank for 20 years - it was strange and unfamiliar territory for me to be sober.

It took me about 3 months to start to rediscover a me I'd forgotten about -hang in there and try to be patient - you're on the right road

D

Meraviglioso

I struggled with not feeling like myself too. But it does change and does get better. I now feel "normal" when I am not drinking and if I drink I feel "abnormal" Something switched for me (thank god) and I really do feel ok not drinking. Now, that doesn't mean it is always easy, but I do my best to not drink in order to maintain this equilibrium. Yes, a lot of us relapse, I am one who has struggled mightily with that but I can assure you it is not worth it. It is so not work one binge to have to go back to square one- the withdrawals, the self-loathing and self-hatred, etc etc etc. We have to keep pushing and trying. It is like going to the gym. You can't go in overweight, out of shape and then expect that you will be strong, fit and healthy after one week. You have to keep showing up, even when you aren't in the mood, even when it is hard. Only after continued work can you reach that magic place of health and happiness- the new normal, the new you. It takes time. We'll get there..... if we keep showing up.

doggonecarl

Congrats on 25 days sober!

The feeling after that first drink, which for me was like a balm on an irritation, is elusive. Quickly gone. That feeling that makes you feel like yourself passes. And what happens?

Once I blackout I'm a totally intolerable, cruel person.

That's what drinking makes you into. That's why you are quitting...not for the temporary elation your addiction lures you in with.

D122y

Soul,

Imo...What you are feeling is the lack of dopamine plus peer pressure from Normies and active alcoholics.

It is science. Your AV will try anything to get you to drink. Then your analytical mind will hate you for it.

I wake up sober everyday and I feel like cap these days. I get a solid dose of naturally occurring melatonin and it is like coming out of hypersleep.

It takes several minutes to wear off. Then I am fine all day.

When I was a drunk I would wake up, still drunk, and be ashamed. It was a cyclic nightmare.

It takes years for the body to normalize after years of drinking.

Working out, for me is huge in my recovery. I get endorphins and adrenaline. The endorphins last for hours. Then I want more....so back to the gym. It is a good thing.

I went from alky to gym rat.

Doing nice things helps w natural dope Posting on SR helps w dopemin too. Posting on sr, going to AA meetings, helping your family and friends, volunteer work etc. All these things make us feel naturally happy.

I'm a teacher for a living so i get dopemin at work too.

That is how I kicked the habit after 45 or so years.

Thanks.

tomsteve

there are MANY posts here from people that got sober and havent had one of them relapses.
relapse is a symptom and ends with a drink. relapse is pre meditated drinking- untreated alcoholism.

treated alcoholism doesnt have the symptoms you are experiencing.

maybe its time to start treating the symptoms and recover?

a drink aint gonna make this better and pretty bad excuse to drink.
plus, ya deserve sobriety.

on this
" You're really not gonna have a drink?" and then proceeds to remind me of the feeling of "I'm back" that comes with the first sip. I really wanted to order a drink after that, but I didn't. I feel guilty for missing the feeling that alcohol gives me, the feeling of "being myself".

id suggest that if you decide to keep goin out with your friends, be honest. if they ask
"You're really not gonna have a drink?"
be honest with something like,"nope and dont miss the BS that comes with it.
or something like that
if they try to remind you of that "im back" thing, a reply like,
'im back to what?gloom, dispair, and agony?"

the thought that alcohol gives you the feeling of "being myself?"
ya know thats a lie.

25 days is pretty awesome. but its still very early. its going to take T.I.M.E. to feel comfortable in your own skin, but if ya work at it, you will feel comfortable in your own skin while sober.

Dee74

Relapses are by no means a requirement - relapse is part of my addiction, not my recovery

I was an all day drinker for years...I stopped in 2007 - no relapses.

I made a commitment to do whatever it took to never drink again.
If I can do it - anyone can

D

SoulfulThinker

You guys are all awesome, thank you for taking the time to read and respond. I have been really wanting to try AA meetings, I used to go to Alateen as a kid and my dad was in AA most of my childhood. I'm busy with school and work (which makes it easier not to drink) but I'm having a hard time finding meetings at times I could go. I know finding other people who understand where I'm coming from would helpful.

Thanks.

SoulfulThinker

That's great! I often like to tell myself "If anyone can do it, I can".

I'm having a hard time responding to individual comments, do I have to "quote" to respond?

I appreciate the advice, and definitely am going to find time to work out. I was working out 4 to 5 times a week for 3 years, and the last 10 days have been so busy with school that I haven't had the time- probably why I'm feeling blue.

MetalRose

At only 14 days in, I can relate to feeling "not like myself." Although, the "self" I was when drinking wasn't really a great person...or one I really liked, only someone I got used to. While actively drinking, my brief brushes with sobriety always entailed nursing a hangover and finding the next drink...which is not much fun. I'm not sure you can really call that sober either. While this new "self" I'm beginning to discover through sobriety is foreign to me, I kinda like her...a lot.

Make a list of pros/cons of your drinking personality vs. sober. Putting this down on paper may help put things into better perspective. I believe you'll find that you like your sober self much better and I'm bet your friends and family do too.

Stay strong, stay the course, stay busy. You can do this. You are not alone.