Finding it really hard today
 

I have taken your advice. Emotionally no longer vested in my neighbour. I have been to a couple of AA meetings. I feel like I am going crazy again. Each day I am feeling stronger and don't want a drink which I know will turn into a relapse and more recovery time and the cycle will repeat. I feel like I am back in a black hole again. I think 3 years of my neighbour have worn me down. I saw a show on tv about an underworld figure who was a psychopath and he was gunned down. I think I got involved with another psychopath. Feeling a lot of grief shame and loss. It helps writing on here. What do you do with all the horrible feelings? I am seeing my psychiatrist on Wednesday. He's never much help though. What can you say in 5 minutes to a shrink. I can't seem to move forward.

I'm not familiar with all of your story, Sweetichick.
I just know that I was really struggling yesterday and that I got a lot of help from reading and posting on here.
The one abiding truth from all of the posts that I read from all of the people in all sorts of situations all over the world is that nothing is improved by drinking. It just puts things on hold and means that they have to be tackled with a fuzzy, alcohol addled mind through the guilt and fatigue.

Hi

have a lot of horrible things in my past, too. But, I can deal with the memories sober. I don't know if you're a spiritual or religious person, but I find comfort in talking to the god of my understanding.
I keep my feelings to myself otherwise. I think I would go crazy if I didn't have an outlet.
I see a shrink, too. Do you see a therapist also? That can be a great help, too.

I understand where you're coming from and it's nothing a drink will make better. Trust me, I buried and 'dealt' with these memories for thirty years by drinking.

I feel for you and am sending good vibes your way.

I don't understand. If you are feeling stronger and don't want a drink, how can that turn into a relapse?

the (aa) book says that resentment is our #1 offender

if we pray for the people we resent and start to realize that they might be sick also ....

our resentment gets smaller and smaller and smaller

:tyou

Hoe are you today Sweetichick = I hope you're not faring too badly in the rain?

D

Yes way too much rain. Depressing and annoying. But we need it. Sigh.

Wtf happened to all my previous posts? I am not that mad.

Did you drink?

No not drinking. Just wondering what happened???

Hi sweetichick - I haven't removed any posts - noone else has either.

There a new system whereby when you post, the thread won't come up under new posts anymore.

You can always check your latest posts or threads in the drop down menu under your name.

D

Still found a few missing post. What you playing at ?? Love this Forum ok???

I'm not playing at anything.

I've looked at todays moderated items - nothing there of yours.

I'm the only mod here apart from Morning Glory and there's nothing thats been removed from this thread at all.

Not sure what happened - but I have absolutely no reason at all to lie, sweetichick.

D

I'm not playing at anything.

I've looked at todays moderated items - nothing there of yours.

I'm the only mod here apart from Morning Glory and there's nothing thats been removed from this thread at all.

Not sure what happened - but I have absolutely no reason at all to lie, sweetichick.

D

Maybe it is not you Dee. Some omniius sober wolf out to get me. Lol

Seeing as I just posted twice there maybe some technical issues?

D

Ok Dee. Thank you. Sorry for wrong accusation.

No worries.

D

Sweetichick, I will tell you what I am coming to learn about myself. I do a lot of drinking AT a problem/person/situation. What happens with that is that absolutely nothing changes with the problem/person/situation, I only hurt myself. Most recently, my relapse of about 7 months ago, and then my most recent relapse of about a month ago have been instances where I drank at my ex psychiatrist and the pain and loneliness I feel over that. Absolutely nothing positive came out of it. I didn't forget anything, I didn't feel better about anything, I only felt worse for relapsing.
I think a lot of us drink to try to push out unwanted thoughts or feelings, but does that really work anymore? I know for me it doesn't. I didn't forget about anything, in fact drinking only magnified everything. I behaved ridiculously, sent messages and made phone calls I regret, became obsessive and even more angry and hurt. Now, not drinking does not mean I will forget about him/the situation either, but at least when I am sober I don't do anything stupid and I can work with my new psychologist with a clear head to try and put this sick story behind me.
We have a tendency to expect that not drinking will mean everything will be great, which is often not the case. We have to remember that there is still work to be done on ourselves. We can only do this work properly by doing so with a clear and sober mind. After that the good stuff follows- look at all the people here with long term sobriety who bang on about how great life is... I don't think that all of these people have signed up fro accounts here in order to trick those of us still suffering, do you? I mean really, do you think they are lying to us? I don't. I believe that they too suffered as we did, had to put in months if not years of hard work and only then they came out on the other side. We can't get into this cycle where if things don't immediately become wonderful we think "ah, ok, this not drinking thing is not working, I should just go back to drinking then" No! It takes time, we have to give it time.
This situation with your neighbour is toxic and damaging to you. And girl, do I ever understand you. I recognise my own craziness in this maddening obsession I have over analysing what went down with my ex doctor. But me drinking is not going to change my doctor (which is the outcome I want) and drinking is not going to change your neighbour (which is the outcome you want) so what do we do now? We can't change them- by drinking or by not drinking. We can change what we want and how we behave. We can decide to get better mentally and physically so we come to a place where these people with whom we participated in a toxic relationship with no longer have such a large influence on our moods or our feelings. How do we do that? We work on ourselves. We take a deep, hard look at OUR part in whatever it is that happened. We heal from what WE did. We learn to never make those same mistakes again. We learn to be better people. Again, we cannot do this work if we are drinking.