I'm a week sober and it's causing conflict with my hb
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: New York
Posts: 3
I'm a week sober and it's causing conflict with my hb
Hi everyone,
I am a week sober after being a pretty heavy drinker for about 20 years (hungover at least a couple days every week, but still able to work, etc.). I have been married to my husband for 18 years and we have pretty much built our life around happy hour. Lately, the I've been having some physical problems that are obviously a result of my drinking, so I am working hard to stop. I know that this decision is mine and not my husband's, but it's really hard to walk the line and not drink when he is continuing to do so. I'm afraid it's going to get to a point where I have to choose between sobriety and him. Any advice?
I am a week sober after being a pretty heavy drinker for about 20 years (hungover at least a couple days every week, but still able to work, etc.). I have been married to my husband for 18 years and we have pretty much built our life around happy hour. Lately, the I've been having some physical problems that are obviously a result of my drinking, so I am working hard to stop. I know that this decision is mine and not my husband's, but it's really hard to walk the line and not drink when he is continuing to do so. I'm afraid it's going to get to a point where I have to choose between sobriety and him. Any advice?
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Well, others have gotten sober while their partners continue to drink.
Give it some time and read around the forums here. You can do it. Everything seems insurmountable in early days, but that will get better and you will be able to come to a decision - in time. Give it a few months before you try to tackle your marriage. Lots of people stay married to their drinking buddy and many don't.
Sober is the way to go to make good decisions for your health and your future, regardless.
Give it some time and read around the forums here. You can do it. Everything seems insurmountable in early days, but that will get better and you will be able to come to a decision - in time. Give it a few months before you try to tackle your marriage. Lots of people stay married to their drinking buddy and many don't.
Sober is the way to go to make good decisions for your health and your future, regardless.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 271
It's tough for sure, but two weeks is a very short time to feel that it's an either/or situation, no?
IME it takes time for those around you to adjust to what you are trying to do too. If they are openly scornful, that might be different. But if they are simply confused/maybe even afraid/jealous of what you are attempting then giving them some time too might be good?
IME it takes time for those around you to adjust to what you are trying to do too. If they are openly scornful, that might be different. But if they are simply confused/maybe even afraid/jealous of what you are attempting then giving them some time too might be good?
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
My partner continues to drink - drives me mad, and who knows what will happen in the future and why. I've now been sober 3.5 years. Not easy with a drinking partnet (esp when he hits it hard), but then I know single folk and it wasn't easy for them either. At the end of the day, I could see that I hated who I'd become and what my life had become with me drinking compultively and unhealthily, and to the detriment of my home and other responsibilities. I woke up one day and just know that I HAD to stop. It was the only answer.
My partner was not very supportive at the start, but mostly he is is so now. Sometimes he curbs his own drinking. Or 'tries'. I try to stay away from him when he's drunk.
BB
My partner was not very supportive at the start, but mostly he is is so now. Sometimes he curbs his own drinking. Or 'tries'. I try to stay away from him when he's drunk.
BB
Member
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 183
My husband and are both drinkers and have also sadly built our life around booze. I am only 1 day sober but i worry about conflict arising if he wants to drink. He says we are on the same page but alcohol is so sneaky and changes what we think and our promises. I am also having health issues like you. My husband doesnt have any somehow. I think you just need to give it more time. Maybe he will come around or at least tell him about your health issues and why you must stop. Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 4
I drank yesterday after my husband and I stayed sober for the week. Usually he's the one that always caves. He didn't yesterday. I did!
Married 16 yrs.
I was sober for over 3 years and he wasn't.
It was hard. I resented him at times.
Many people that went before me reminded me that many get sober, their partners don't have to stop drinking and their marriages continued. Maybe your husband will see the change in you and desire it for himself. Hope!
I relapsed shortly after my multiple sclerosis diagnosis. I wasn't talking about it or working on accepting the diagnosis.
I have other health issues as well. Thyroid disease and I know that the drinking has messed up my blood pressure. ..... it does amaze me how women's bodies are less tolerant to alcohol from what I've read. My husband too doesn't seem to have been effected by all this alcohol abuse.
I'm new here. Your post is helpful to me.
Married 16 yrs.
I was sober for over 3 years and he wasn't.
It was hard. I resented him at times.
Many people that went before me reminded me that many get sober, their partners don't have to stop drinking and their marriages continued. Maybe your husband will see the change in you and desire it for himself. Hope!
I relapsed shortly after my multiple sclerosis diagnosis. I wasn't talking about it or working on accepting the diagnosis.
I have other health issues as well. Thyroid disease and I know that the drinking has messed up my blood pressure. ..... it does amaze me how women's bodies are less tolerant to alcohol from what I've read. My husband too doesn't seem to have been effected by all this alcohol abuse.
I'm new here. Your post is helpful to me.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,036
Welcome Limic, and to others starting out or starting over.
I joined here in 2012, and finally took my last drink 12-31-15. I completely understand how you feel about your spouse/significant other still drinking. My husband and I used to have drinks together every night after the kids went to bed, sadly, I continued to drink throughout the evening, and never knew when to stop. My husband still drinks each night, which made me crazy in the beginning, but doesn't bother me anymore. I do however, still not like the smell of him after he has been drinking.
You can do this for you, hang in there, and use this site as a support.
I joined here in 2012, and finally took my last drink 12-31-15. I completely understand how you feel about your spouse/significant other still drinking. My husband and I used to have drinks together every night after the kids went to bed, sadly, I continued to drink throughout the evening, and never knew when to stop. My husband still drinks each night, which made me crazy in the beginning, but doesn't bother me anymore. I do however, still not like the smell of him after he has been drinking.
You can do this for you, hang in there, and use this site as a support.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,372
Welcome limic 
I wasn't married or in a relationship but I did have people in my life who couldn't understand why I needed to stop drinking...but my real friends and the people who loved me supported me anyway.
Maybe your husband needs a little time to adjust - he's probably uncomfortable or scared or both - change is rough especially when the change is coming from someone else...and he might feel the spotlight is suddenly on him to do something about his drinking...
This is your journey, to be sure - and while many here don't have support at home, it needn't be a deal breaker...you'll find loads of support here to help you stay on the right road
I wouldn't make any big life decisions now anyway - find out who sober you is first
D
I wasn't married or in a relationship but I did have people in my life who couldn't understand why I needed to stop drinking...but my real friends and the people who loved me supported me anyway.
Maybe your husband needs a little time to adjust - he's probably uncomfortable or scared or both - change is rough especially when the change is coming from someone else...and he might feel the spotlight is suddenly on him to do something about his drinking...
This is your journey, to be sure - and while many here don't have support at home, it needn't be a deal breaker...you'll find loads of support here to help you stay on the right road
I wouldn't make any big life decisions now anyway - find out who sober you is first
D
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: New York
Posts: 3
I can't thank all of you enough for your posts and your encouragement. I really appreciate your kindness and time in reaching out to me. I'm proud to say that I've made it through another day. I also joined a gym today because I hope that if I go there right after work(and change my routine), I won't be so tempted to uncork my nightly bottle of wine when I get home. I will admit that I am a bit nervous because my birthday is this weekend - and I'm afraid that I won't be able to not have drinks with my birthday dinner, as this would possibly be my first sober birthday in at least 15 years. I don't believe he's being malicious, but my hb seems to not understand how serious I am about this and that I really want to change. I know he loves me, I just don't think he gets it.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
What an amazing gift to give yourself for your birthday! Sobriety. Integrity. Health. Serenity. (Sure, it might take a while for it to be unwrapped but that's what you've chosen).
Maybe choose a day out somewhere rather than an evening treat. No idea what's available in your area. A beach or forest walk. Museum. Theatre. Cinema. Zoo? Don't rely on your husband to come up with ideas - he's still trapped in the drinking-thinking. Are there some sober people (mum or cousins or similar you could invite to share your day?)
I was scared of my first sober birthday as well. But it was just a day. It came and went. Put it this way. You want to get sober, so those last 15 birthdays presumably weren't SO great. I know that when I was still drinking my birthdays were pretty much just excuses for more of the same old stuff. Nowadays they tend to be quiet, but more 'my' day.
BB
Maybe choose a day out somewhere rather than an evening treat. No idea what's available in your area. A beach or forest walk. Museum. Theatre. Cinema. Zoo? Don't rely on your husband to come up with ideas - he's still trapped in the drinking-thinking. Are there some sober people (mum or cousins or similar you could invite to share your day?)
I was scared of my first sober birthday as well. But it was just a day. It came and went. Put it this way. You want to get sober, so those last 15 birthdays presumably weren't SO great. I know that when I was still drinking my birthdays were pretty much just excuses for more of the same old stuff. Nowadays they tend to be quiet, but more 'my' day.
BB
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