Advice please
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 18
Advice please
Hi
I'm Alan husband of a wife who drinks very very heavily on average every 4-6 weeks . When she drinks its 95% of time strong cheap cider 7.5% and I would say about 5 litres a day ( her tolerance is high ) .
I have successfully brought her down using alcohol with supplying less and less and watering down 7.5 to 5 % its cheaper that way.
My question is this . My wife insists on nipping out ( I know what this means mostly ) But sometimes when she does this while withdrawing I'm unsure if she has had an extra drink or not . The problem I have is during withdrawal she often appears drunk , when the brain and body start to adjust back to normal she can appear completely out of it . Is a red face due to , to much alcohol or withdrawing a little to quick .
When she is going to nip out she is dangerously unstable how she goes down the street and gets back again and looking as worse for wear as she does I do not know . THe stress its putting on me is intolerable.
I do try stopping her from going out but , but I would have to use force to do so and you cant keep somone prisoner until they get asober enough to see the light.
Just today if I had not been at the back of her holding her jeans through her belt ring she would have fell backwards on the stairs , I just don't know what to do in the u.k about this . There is no help and I don't have £5000-£8000 to put her in rehab even once.
It just seems like I'm an hopeless passenger waiting and watching till she injures herself to the point of no return and theres not a damn thing I can do .
She has tried the local free service, but either there no good or she isn't telling or doing what they want her to do as she doesn't get free rehab they say is on offer .
I'm at my wits end here anyone in u.k in same boat ???.
My real question is how can you tell for sure if the person is drunk or going thru heavy withdrawal. She did once have a fit around 2 years ago when she lied to me originally on how much she had been having so it ended in her withdrawing to fast. She has been drinking on and off for around 12 years.
There is hope her eyes are white , she eats mostly, she does have a swollen stomach ( beer drinkers belly ) I know not polite to a woman but facts are facts. She gets the thiamine and Vit B tablets everyday. I make sure she gets water down her. And around a year ago her liver was back to practically normal and over the past 8 weeks she hasn't been drinking heavily . But last 3 to 5 days she really gone for it.
She has lost her jobs, her car, and she doesn't get money from me . Now I hear you ask how she get the drink . She sells things from her hobby when sober and if that's not doing anything she actually asks people for money and they give it her . Tried getting police involved and they say its freely given nothing they can do .
I'm Alan husband of a wife who drinks very very heavily on average every 4-6 weeks . When she drinks its 95% of time strong cheap cider 7.5% and I would say about 5 litres a day ( her tolerance is high ) .
I have successfully brought her down using alcohol with supplying less and less and watering down 7.5 to 5 % its cheaper that way.
My question is this . My wife insists on nipping out ( I know what this means mostly ) But sometimes when she does this while withdrawing I'm unsure if she has had an extra drink or not . The problem I have is during withdrawal she often appears drunk , when the brain and body start to adjust back to normal she can appear completely out of it . Is a red face due to , to much alcohol or withdrawing a little to quick .
When she is going to nip out she is dangerously unstable how she goes down the street and gets back again and looking as worse for wear as she does I do not know . THe stress its putting on me is intolerable.
I do try stopping her from going out but , but I would have to use force to do so and you cant keep somone prisoner until they get asober enough to see the light.
Just today if I had not been at the back of her holding her jeans through her belt ring she would have fell backwards on the stairs , I just don't know what to do in the u.k about this . There is no help and I don't have £5000-£8000 to put her in rehab even once.
It just seems like I'm an hopeless passenger waiting and watching till she injures herself to the point of no return and theres not a damn thing I can do .
She has tried the local free service, but either there no good or she isn't telling or doing what they want her to do as she doesn't get free rehab they say is on offer .
I'm at my wits end here anyone in u.k in same boat ???.
My real question is how can you tell for sure if the person is drunk or going thru heavy withdrawal. She did once have a fit around 2 years ago when she lied to me originally on how much she had been having so it ended in her withdrawing to fast. She has been drinking on and off for around 12 years.
There is hope her eyes are white , she eats mostly, she does have a swollen stomach ( beer drinkers belly ) I know not polite to a woman but facts are facts. She gets the thiamine and Vit B tablets everyday. I make sure she gets water down her. And around a year ago her liver was back to practically normal and over the past 8 weeks she hasn't been drinking heavily . But last 3 to 5 days she really gone for it.
She has lost her jobs, her car, and she doesn't get money from me . Now I hear you ask how she get the drink . She sells things from her hobby when sober and if that's not doing anything she actually asks people for money and they give it her . Tried getting police involved and they say its freely given nothing they can do .
Last edited by Alan60; 10-15-2017 at 11:11 AM. Reason: more to add
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, Alan.
Welcome.
I am sure you have heard this: you didn’t cause it. You can’t control it, and you can’t cure it.
Sounds like you are stressed and trying to do the best you can.
How about you take a step back and let events unfold?
One of the traits of a co dependent person is their desire to control and protect the drinker from the consequences of his/her actions.
Your wife is going to drink. She is going to fall. She is going to stumble.
Unless you are behind her with a safety net every time she takes a step, which isn't practical, there isn’t much you can do to stop that from happening.
I know this sounds harsh, but, really, unless and until your spouse wants to get sober, it’s out of your hands.
You can control you, however.
Read about detaching, setting boundaries, protecting your sanity, and co-dependency.
Lots of good info here, in the form of “stickies”, at the top of the main menu.
If there is an Al-Anon group in your area, I would definitely get to a meeting.
Could be a game changer for you.
Good luck and hugs.
Welcome.
I am sure you have heard this: you didn’t cause it. You can’t control it, and you can’t cure it.
Sounds like you are stressed and trying to do the best you can.
How about you take a step back and let events unfold?
One of the traits of a co dependent person is their desire to control and protect the drinker from the consequences of his/her actions.
Your wife is going to drink. She is going to fall. She is going to stumble.
Unless you are behind her with a safety net every time she takes a step, which isn't practical, there isn’t much you can do to stop that from happening.
I know this sounds harsh, but, really, unless and until your spouse wants to get sober, it’s out of your hands.
You can control you, however.
Read about detaching, setting boundaries, protecting your sanity, and co-dependency.
Lots of good info here, in the form of “stickies”, at the top of the main menu.
If there is an Al-Anon group in your area, I would definitely get to a meeting.
Could be a game changer for you.
Good luck and hugs.
Friendly Folk
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Powers Lake, Wisconsin
Posts: 21,690
You can start by helping yourself to the knowledge of enabling and codependency. Please go to an Al-Anon meeting so you can get the tools and information on how to deal with an alcoholic wife. You cannot help her unless she seeks help herself. You are powerless over her addiction. Her addiction controls her.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Sorry for what brings you here.
Has she got the support of her GP? Some people do get NHSreferral and she sounds like a pretty extreme case - but she would actually need to WANT sobriety. Until she wants to be sober she will not be so.
Could you make an apointment with your own GP to discuss what is available in your area and to who? If she is a danger to herself there a chance of forced intervention? All these things can vary from area to area, so it's worth having a full and frank discussion.
I would also suggest AlAnon for yourself - otherwise this is likely to send you mad yourself. Also the friends and family area here could be a good place to read around and get aquainted with a few people who have walked this path ahead of you.
Al-Anon UK | For families & friends of alcoholics
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
Prayers for you, and for your wife.
BB
PS AA is everywhere and free - it might be worth going along to an open meeting with her (open means that alcoholics and others can go along, closed means alcoholics only). To be honest, a lot of the free local alcohol advice places tend to try to get people to moderate, which is crazy. Alcoholics can't learn to moderate. (You can't unpickle a gerkin).
Alcoholics Anonymous (Great Britain) Ltd - Home
Has she got the support of her GP? Some people do get NHSreferral and she sounds like a pretty extreme case - but she would actually need to WANT sobriety. Until she wants to be sober she will not be so.
Could you make an apointment with your own GP to discuss what is available in your area and to who? If she is a danger to herself there a chance of forced intervention? All these things can vary from area to area, so it's worth having a full and frank discussion.
I would also suggest AlAnon for yourself - otherwise this is likely to send you mad yourself. Also the friends and family area here could be a good place to read around and get aquainted with a few people who have walked this path ahead of you.
Al-Anon UK | For families & friends of alcoholics
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
Prayers for you, and for your wife.
BB
PS AA is everywhere and free - it might be worth going along to an open meeting with her (open means that alcoholics and others can go along, closed means alcoholics only). To be honest, a lot of the free local alcohol advice places tend to try to get people to moderate, which is crazy. Alcoholics can't learn to moderate. (You can't unpickle a gerkin).
Alcoholics Anonymous (Great Britain) Ltd - Home
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,745
Welcome to the family. 
I am glad you found us but sorry for the circumstances that bring you here. 
It's sad but true, you can't help her unless she wants to get sober for herself. I strongly advise getting support for yourself, such as AlAnon meetings or counseling. This is a family disease, it affects the loved ones of the drinker as well as the drinker herself.
Do take a look at our friends and family forum for more insight into your situation.
I am glad you found us but sorry for the circumstances that bring you here. It's sad but true, you can't help her unless she wants to get sober for herself. I strongly advise getting support for yourself, such as AlAnon meetings or counseling. This is a family disease, it affects the loved ones of the drinker as well as the drinker herself. Do take a look at our friends and family forum for more insight into your situation.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
I know when I went through withdrawls(multiple times) I never appeared drunk. I would say I appeared to have the flu maybe,but never drunk. I'd guess she's drinking more than you know and there's nothing you can do about it. She has to want it for herself. Check out the friends/family section on this site and take care of yourself first and foremost.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,444
I'm sorry for your situation with your wife. It sounds very difficult and stressful. I hope that she will decide to seek support for her alcoholism.
As others have suggested, AlAnon could be very helpful for you to try to help you to focus on yourself.
As others have suggested, AlAnon could be very helpful for you to try to help you to focus on yourself.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,312
Hi Alan - sorry for what brings you here but I know you'll find support here
Some good suggestions already - when your wife's not 'nipping out' does she show any inclination to stop drinking?
D
Some good suggestions already - when your wife's not 'nipping out' does she show any inclination to stop drinking?
D
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