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40 days and then I drank but....

Old 10-15-2017, 09:24 AM
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40 days and then I drank but....

I am not giving myself a hard time over it or taking it as a failure.
No hangover, don't feel like drinking on today, slept well and outside of Twitter didn't embarass myself as far expressing certain thoughts I normally may not have sober.
Today is a good day. Am not taking it as Day 1 or having relapsed, just gotta avoid going down and picking it up from here on. I feel ok about it and don't think it's ruined any progress as long as it doesn't spiral downward.
Today, I'm definitely not drinking.
Cheers to all on your progress and don't beat yourself up if you "slip" one day.
I want to add that instead of ignoring it, i felt i had to be honest. It would have been easy to say or feel like it's day 41, because i don't feel broken about it, but this still happened and I'm moving forward.
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Old 10-15-2017, 10:46 AM
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Old 10-15-2017, 10:56 AM
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Am not taking it as Day 1 or having relapsed
Hm.

So, you didn't drink on purpose? Someone else forced you? A hangover isn't the yardstick, taking a drink is.

I'm all for not self-shaming, but you drank. Today is Day One.
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Old 10-15-2017, 10:57 AM
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Hey Caprice! Good to see you're back!
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Old 10-15-2017, 12:10 PM
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Forward is definitely the right direction; however, be careful. I can totally understand your line of thinking--for me, that would be dangerous. I would be subconsciously giving myself permission to "slip" again, as I can always "move forward" the next day. I have to recognize it for what it is, counting days or not.


Originally Posted by WritingFromLife View Post
Here's Me:

Sober for a stretch, then out of the blue, have a glass of wine or two with dinner. That's not so bad. Here is a post I did on another thread. Hope it helps shed some light on what I mean.

Next Day - no alcohol

Next day--I will get just one regular size bottle on my way home. I don't have to drink it all. I probably won't even open it.

Next day---see, there's still wine in the bottle! That evening-I have to get groceries-I will grab another bottle-seems this is okay. I don't feel bad at all. I can do this! Plus, it will give me a white wine buzz so I will have energy to organize the study!

Next Day-Drank the leftovers and the whole new bottle.

Next Day--Grab the BIG wine bottle (or two of the smalls.....) repeat for a month with a couple days every now and then of nothing. After 30 days, sluggish, dull eyes and skin, blood sugar all over the place, the wine tastes like watered down vinegar, doesn't do much of anything but give me a "come-down" like depression. Completely out of touch with my spiritual side and well being. Going down fast. Cancelling plans, saying things I don't mean....shame.

Next Day: Decision- Abstain. Get Sober. DON'T REPEAT. GET A PLAN NOW.


Upcoming days/weeks/months......CONTENTMENT like a warm blanket , endorphins from head to toe, RADIANCE...and so much more. No anxiety. Living n the moment Grateful--more than I ever thought possible.

(Don't wait for cirrhosis, DUI, esophageal varices, depression, isolation from friends and family--get off the elevator on THIS floor while you still can....lest you go straight to the basement. Once the doors open, it's very hard to go back up. For some, it's impossible....wet brain shows up)
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Old 10-15-2017, 12:39 PM
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My "here's a post I did on another thread" line is in the wrong place. Sigh.
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Old 10-15-2017, 01:02 PM
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Originally Posted by biminiblue View Post
Hm.

So, you didn't drink on purpose? Someone else forced you? A hangover isn't the yardstick, taking a drink is.

I'm all for not self-shaming, but you drank. Today is Day One.

Don't listen to this post, move forward.

It's post like these that make me despise posting in general.
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Old 10-15-2017, 02:19 PM
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That's great you didn't havea hang over, that's great you didn't completely embarrass yourself and you don't hate yourself today.
However, you drank. You were not sober. Your sober count has restarted. Honestly, you're lying to yourself with your thought process, which can be very dangerous.

The definition of sober: to not be affected by alcohol.

Best of luck in your future recovery. Just be honest with yourself
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Old 10-15-2017, 07:54 PM
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Originally Posted by biminiblue View Post
Hm.

So, you didn't drink on purpose? Someone else forced you? A hangover isn't the yardstick, taking a drink is.

I'm all for not self-shaming, but you drank. Today is Day One.
I'm not counting the days, it doesn't matter to me. It's like setting myself up for possible failure. I do not regret having drank, I'm good again. I would be good if it would be occasionally or every 40 days too. I'm not lying to myself or you, it's a choice I made as is in my case not counting up the days because honestly they did not feel like any kind of accomplishment. It was good after the worst part was over and my sleep restored but I still struggled. I feel fine about it and now sober too.
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Old 10-15-2017, 08:01 PM
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Originally Posted by Caprice6 View Post
I'm not counting the days, it doesn't matter to me. It's like setting myself up for possible failure. I do not regret having drank, I'm good again. I would be good if it would be occasionally or every 40 days too. I'm not lying to myself or you, it's a choice I made as is in my case not counting up the days because honestly they did not feel like any kind of accomplishment. It was good after the worst part was over and my sleep restored but I still struggled. I feel fine about it and now sober too.
Do what works for you. No one is forcing you to count days. You can drink all day tomorrow and still mark it as a sober day if you want but your post seems to be downplaying the fact you drank which is dangerous...

Sure it was not bad this time but that's the type of thinking that gets people to start drinking again regularly.. 'I did it this time and I feel fine... I can do it again' You also said you did not regret drinking. Again very dangerous thought... Just be careful. Don't let your AV trick you.

Best of luck!
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Old 10-15-2017, 08:02 PM
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Originally Posted by WritingFromLife View Post
Forward is definitely the right direction; however, be careful. I can totally understand your line of thinking--for me, that would be dangerous. I would be subconsciously giving myself permission to "slip" again, as I can always "move forward" the next day. I have to recognize it for what it is, counting days or not.


Originally Posted by WritingFromLife View Post
Here's Me:

Sober for a stretch, then out of the blue, have a glass of wine or two with dinner. That's not so bad. Here is a post I did on another thread. Hope it helps shed some light on what I mean.

Next Day - no alcohol

Next day--I will get just one regular size bottle on my way home. I don't have to drink it all. I probably won't even open it.

Next day---see, there's still wine in the bottle! That evening-I have to get groceries-I will grab another bottle-seems this is okay. I don't feel bad at all. I can do this! Plus, it will give me a white wine buzz so I will have energy to organize the study!

Next Day-Drank the leftovers and the whole new bottle.

Next Day--Grab the BIG wine bottle (or two of the smalls.....) repeat for a month with a couple days every now and then of nothing. After 30 days, sluggish, dull eyes and skin, blood sugar all over the place, the wine tastes like watered down vinegar, doesn't do much of anything but give me a "come-down" like depression. Completely out of touch with my spiritual side and well being. Going down fast. Cancelling plans, saying things I don't mean....shame.

Next Day: Decision- Abstain. Get Sober. DON'T REPEAT. GET A PLAN NOW.


Upcoming days/weeks/months......CONTENTMENT like a warm blanket , endorphins from head to toe, RADIANCE...and so much more. No anxiety. Living n the moment Grateful--more than I ever thought possible.

(Don't wait for cirrhosis, DUI, esophageal varices, depression, isolation from friends and family--get off the elevator on THIS floor while you still can....lest you go straight to the basement. Once the doors open, it's very hard to go back up. For some, it's impossible....wet brain shows up)
Yes, agree, I hear ya. I'm very well aware. I've been there so many times....I really am gonna give it another stretch at the very least. I never thought I could do 40 days realistically because of the number of times I've quit before and relapsed.

I hear you loud and clear, I am aware and afraid of it turning into that. You kinda get this false confidence that you can handle it but it becomes steadily more frequent until it's back to square 1. Will definitely put in the effort and resist cravings in the upcoming days and weeks. I am, however, afraid to commit 100% or saying never again. I feel that would be setting me up for possible failure too.

I will keep coming back. I won't start going on every new monthly threads but I will periodically update and read this board.
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Old 10-15-2017, 08:20 PM
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Hi,

Glad you came back and posted. Just from my own past experience that one slip led me back to a similar pattern as Write. It can be a slippery slope, and I used to find myself justifying that I only had one drink, the next thing I knew I was bargaining with myself about just having a little more wine. I have been sober for over 21 months now, and it has been easier to be sober than it was to try to moderate.

Keep posting!!
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Old 10-15-2017, 08:27 PM
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Good, Caprice. Awareness helps a lot! I wish you the very best, and congratulations on your sober time :-) Keep going!
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Old 10-16-2017, 06:02 AM
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Originally Posted by Delilah1 View Post
Hi,

Glad you came back and posted. Just from my own past experience that one slip led me back to a similar pattern as Write. It can be a slippery slope, and I used to find myself justifying that I only had one drink, the next thing I knew I was bargaining with myself about just having a little more wine. I have been sober for over 21 months now, and it has been easier to be sober than it was to try to moderate.

Keep posting!!
I know, I've been there too. Many times. Maybe i will keep track and set my goal to as of 41 days not sooner. I fought off the cravings before and can again. I just gave in because the depression, anger, anxiety, hatefulness were ever so persistent on a daily basis and i wanted a release more than anything. It helped, i won't lie. I felt better and today somewhat too but i do not want it to become a habit.
I will see a psychiatrist within a month too, so maybe it can help with my mood and dark feelings or outlook.
One thing that did help was coming on here and I don't plan to stay away.
Btw sorry if i can't thank, my cell doesn't give me that option. But thanks!
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Old 10-16-2017, 06:07 AM
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Originally Posted by WritingFromLife View Post
Good, Caprice. Awareness helps a lot! I wish you the very best, and congratulations on your sober time :-) Keep going!
Thanks. It did seem like an eternity. It's amazing for all those with months and years of sobriety. Maybe I'll get there too. It's not calling me now and i will do another 40 days, no matter, just because I'm hell bent to prove it to myself i can do better even if it doesn't make me feel better or worse. I cannot do moderation, it just ends up gradually increasing in frequency and amount. I don't want to fool myself, I know I'm no exception and am prone to full on relapses.
41 days is an attainable goal, I can see a mark an end if you will. After that I may extend and push on. It's not like I'm counting the days until i can drink again, it's only a benchmark and is more realistic than infinity to me.
Thanks and best to you as well!
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Old 10-16-2017, 09:50 AM
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I'm glad you are right back at it without beating yourself up! I think that in sobriety, people get really protective of the way they did it and what worked for them to the point that they find it necessary to criticize if someone does something that's a big no-no for them. Don't take it personally.

I don't know what I would do if I took a drink one night. One of the things that keeps me from drinking is knowing how much continuous sobriety I have. However, I think you said you don't count days anyway. It is clear that you have surely improved and one evening of drinking a couple of beers does not take that away. Maybe others want to caution you from using that as an excuse to drink again. Clearly you don't plan to do that. Best of luck to you and thanks for being so brave as to share here!
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Old 10-16-2017, 10:51 AM
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Originally Posted by applewakesup View Post
I'm glad you are right back at it without beating yourself up! I think that in sobriety, people get really protective of the way they did it and what worked for them to the point that they find it necessary to criticize if someone does something that's a big no-no for them. Don't take it personally.

I don't know what I would do if I took a drink one night. One of the things that keeps me from drinking is knowing how much continuous sobriety I have. However, I think you said you don't count days anyway. It is clear that you have surely improved and one evening of drinking a couple of beers does not take that away. Maybe others want to caution you from using that as an excuse to drink again. Clearly you don't plan to do that. Best of luck to you and thanks for being so brave as to share here!
Thank you for your encouragement and support!
I just feel it's extreme and I'm not perfect, and realistically I can't expect perfection from myself. It's drastic and I've had issues in my teens with eating disorders and inpatient hospitalizations (3 months to get back to acceptable weight) as well as outpatient intensive (daily) treatment. It takes time, you fail many times and some still live with it and manage it "under control" as for me, i substituted it with alcohol. I didn't care anymore, i was free from those clutches and nightmare. Drinking was more socially acceptable too, i actually didn't have to hide or be ashamed as much. In any case, I am taking the same approach now. A slip or giving in is not the end all, it doesn't take away the progress. It's helped (the time out) in that I recovered from it much faster and the urge is not as intense.
Am walking right now to the addiction center to get nicotine patches because it had been and still is my next step. I want to be free from all addictions but it may not be a flawless process. My goal is still to remain sober and live sober. Last thing i want is to get caught up in any vicious cycle controlling and destroying my health, mind and life again.
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Old 10-16-2017, 11:30 AM
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Respect is Essential. And, please, Support and Experience only.

If a post or member upsets you, please make use of the Ignore button.


Caprice, I'm glad to see you back and focusing on your recovery.
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Old 10-16-2017, 04:59 PM
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I'm glad to see you back too Caprice

Absolutely noone wants to see you beat yourself up - thats wasted energy that could be far better used elsewhere

I think a little introspection is needed after a relapse tho - it's important to know where we went wrong and it's even more important to make sure we don't go wrong again.

There are some great ideas on what a recovery plan is and what one might look to you here:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ery-plans.html (Psst...wanna know why I'm always recommending recovery plans?)

D

Last edited by Dee74; 10-17-2017 at 04:06 AM. Reason: typo
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Old 10-17-2017, 04:02 AM
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Originally Posted by biminiblue View Post
Hm.

So, you didn't drink on purpose? Someone else forced you? A hangover isn't the yardstick, taking a drink is.

I'm all for not self-shaming, but you drank. Today is Day One.
Agree.

I don't believe in "slips." It was a relapse. At almost 20 mo - if I had one drink, half a drink even - it would be a relapse. For me, it would also mean death. I don't have another chance in me.

And that's the big thing - whatever we call it, starting over and having another real chance to get sober is NEVER a guarantee.

Do take what you learned - in all ways, including WHY you drank. And start again, perhaps trying different things, more things, etc this time.

I hope you make this your last start.
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