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40 days and then I drank but....

Old 10-17-2017, 04:32 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Thanks for your encouragement Anna and it's alright. People have gone through and experience things differently. I've had a lot of therapy in my life and have gathered some tools.
It feels strange to say day 3 and not be in withdrawal since it's always been like that before on days 1-7. It makes me happy, crusining on.
Dee, i don't know how to pick my brain over it. I did think about it, had the option to pass it up, it wouldn't have been too hard. The persistent feelings of depression, unease, unhappiness etc. Made it for me a very conscious decision in that I knew what I was going to do and let it be.
I do hope that by seeing a psychiatrist in the upcoming days may help with underlying issues. I will look into the link as well.
If some want to take it as a relapse for what it was, it's fine, I'm not offended or hurt by it. Could be for some but it doesn't affect me in the way that it's ruined or ruining anything, and the sun will rise again tomorrow for all regardless.
Thanks to all for your input. Keep up the good work whether it's day 1 or 10000000001 or anywhere in between whatever the deal and keep going.
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Old 10-17-2017, 04:39 PM
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The persistent feelings of depression, unease, unhappiness etc.The persistent feelings of depression, unease, unhappiness etc.
yeah Id convinced myself that drinking was an effective tool against those things - the only effective tool, in fact...

From this side of the fence tho I can see that drinking just got me deeper into those feelings.

I hope the pdoc can help you find healthy more positive ways to deal with depression unease and unhappiness.

I don;t think people are using relapse in a pejorative way either

The way I like to explain it is relapse is part of my addiction, not part of my recovery.

If you prefer the term slip that's fine, so long as you recognise it as part of the addictive condition?

D
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Old 10-17-2017, 08:38 PM
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Originally Posted by biminiblue View Post
Hm.

So, you didn't drink on purpose? Someone else forced you? A hangover isn't the yardstick, taking a drink is.

I'm all for not self-shaming, but you drank. Today is Day One.
While I have no problem with this post if it were applied to me, I know that not everyone uses satisfying or exetended sobriety as a yard stick of success.

In New Zealand there are many forces at work on the alcohol problem who have their own ideas as to what is a successful approach. It is widely accepted that many alcoholics will never be able to abstain completely, therefore any reduction in drinking is seen as a positive step.

If an alcoholic could be restricted to one low level binge every 40 days, that would be a good thing for society. Health costs would be reduced, work productivity improved, police and courts would have a reduced work load, wives and children would suffer less there are many benefits. On top of that, the alcoholic doesn't have to do much other than wait and live a less than optimum emotional life. And they might be willing to accept that. This process even has a name, harm minimisation.

I think of it more as palliative care. That is where there is no hope of actual recovery, we take whatever measures we can to prolong life, even very poor quality life, accepting that it is going to be miserable most of the time, a continuous battle to control drinking, etc etc. but at least the risk to the community has been reduced.

To me, that is a very poor deal for the alcoholic, but there was a time when I would have thought it was quite a good way to go, having no experience of anything better. I can understand why someone might find that acceptable.
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Old 10-17-2017, 08:45 PM
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Originally Posted by Caprice6 View Post
I know, I've been there too. Many times. Maybe i will keep track and set my goal to as of 41 days not sooner. I fought off the cravings before and can again. I just gave in because the depression, anger, anxiety, hatefulness were ever so persistent on a daily basis and i wanted a release more than anything. It helped, i won't lie. I felt better and today somewhat too but i do not want it to become a habit.
I will see a psychiatrist within a month too, so maybe it can help with my mood and dark feelings or outlook.
One thing that did help was coming on here and I don't plan to stay away.
Btw sorry if i can't thank, my cell doesn't give me that option. But thanks!
I'm glad you are here today and checking in! I deal with anxiety as well, and although it initially increased when I stopped drinking, it is much less than ever in sobriety.

The psych is a good idea, and you will have lots of support on here. Don't worry about counting days, just stay focused on the present (Mindfulness is something I have really worked on over the past 21 months!!)

You've got this.
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Old 10-17-2017, 09:09 PM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by August252015 View Post
Agree.

I don't believe in "slips." It was a relapse. At almost 20 mo - if I had one drink, half a drink even - it would be a relapse. For me, it would also mean death. I don't have another chance in me.

And that's the big thing - whatever we call it, starting over and having another real chance to get sober is NEVER a guarantee.

Do take what you learned - in all ways, including WHY you drank. And start again, perhaps trying different things, more things, etc this time.

I hope you make this your last start.
Yes, it was a relapse. There's no need to beat yourself up, or to need to clarify why you did it, or even feel bad about it if you're not ready to quit. Whether to drink or to get sober are your choices to make.

But I do think it's important to be honest about something so serious. I don't know the extent of your problem, maybe you aren't at your bottom yet.

You have every right to make different choices than a commitment to sobriety. Goodness knows I have made other choices for a very long time.

But you are not sober, and you don't sound like you want to be. Be clear with the choices you are making. Then; though I am hoping this won't be the case, if you find yourself in a very bad place you will know exactly why, and you will know what needs to be done. There are lots of people here posting "I don't know why I drank, why can't I quit," and it's because they haven't gotten sober.

With whatever choices you make, please be careful. Alcoholism, if that's what you have, is not like anorexia. Giving up all alcohol is not extreme. Plenty of healthy, well balanced people do not drink at all. There is no impairment to health or psychological well being when alcohol is given up, it's the opposite. When food is given up, people become insane from lack of protein and vitamins, and starve to death. So giving up drinking feels extreme (especially to drinkers!) but it is not, and it is quite the opposite of anorexia.

If you do have alcoholism, there is no moderation of drinking. Any and all drinking leads eventually to a binge or a bender, and usually several of them back to back for weeks, months or years. If you do not have alcoholism, you will find it easy to moderate your drinking, and 40 days between drinks will be effortless.

Above all, be safe.
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Old 10-18-2017, 12:07 AM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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Good to see you back. We all have our own path to take. I know for me though the nights where it was OK I only had a fewwere the most dangerous really because I thought if I could drink OK I didn't have a problem. Until something bad happened again.
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Old 10-19-2017, 09:15 AM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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Hi,
Thanks all and GottaLife, I whole heartedly agree and see it that way too.
Hi RAL, sorry to have let you guys from September down. Now i don't feel i belong on that bus and don't feel like jumping in on October.
Day 5, things are well. Cruising along despite a "fall" "slip" "relapse." the latter for me would be, in my case, if i had merely continued, or then again if i had to go through all that crap again, experience withdrawal (as was always the case) that's what I'd coin a relapse but to each their own. I just don't feel like it's a fresh start but rather continuity.
I don't know what to call it or classify it under but it hasn't disturbed my past progress and isn't disturbing it in the present. It was a very conscious decision, thought out and planned even after the fact. So far, so good in that it was just one night and remained so. Sure in the evenings my AV kicks in but i know it's telling me BS because the frequency would gradually increase. I tried to do and think i could handle evenings only, nope. Tried and tested those waters. So i knew this time my resolve would stick, at least for another good stretch (40 days) and that's good enough for me. Maybe it will be 80 days maybe forever but right now past 40 is my mark and I'm sorry if that doesn't suit everyone, but it's encouraging to me and i know I can do it and then just keep pushing it in case i may topple over, as long as I pick myself right up again and don't drown.
Baby steps, acceptance, forgiveness, perspective, honesty and persistance give me strength.
Best wishes to all!
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Old 10-19-2017, 09:17 AM
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Originally Posted by Caprice6 View Post
Hi,
Thanks all and GottaLife, I whole heartedly agree and see it that way too.
Hi RAL, sorry to have let you guts from September down. Niw i don't feel i belong on that bus and don't ceel like jumping in in October.
Day 5, things are well. Cruising along despite a "fall" "slip" "relapse." the latter for me would be in my case if i had merely continued, or then again if i had to go through all that crap again, experience withdrawal (as was always the case) that's what I'd coin a relapse but to each their own.
I don't know what to call it or classify it under but it hasn't disturbed my past progress and isn't disturbing it in the present. It was a very conscious decision, thought out and planned even after the fact. So far, so good in that it was just one night and remained. Sure in the evenings my AV kicks in but i know it's telling me BS because the frequency would gradually increase. I tried to do and think i could handle evenings only, nope. Tried and tested those waters. So i knew this time my resolve would stick, at least for another good stretch (40 days) and that's good enough for me. Maybe it will be 80 days maybe forever but right now past 40 is my mark and I'm sorry if that doesn't suit everyone, but it's encouraging to me and i know I can do it and then just keep pushing it in case i may topple over, and pick myself right up again and don't drown.
Baby steps, acceptance, forgiveness, perspective, honesty and persistance give me strength.
Best wishes to all!
You should be proud of yourself for getting to 40-days... If you can get to 40 -days you can get to a year. If you can get to a year you can get to five-years. If you can get to five-years you can get to 10.. You get the idea..

The fact you slipped and came right back here is a great sign. Keep trying and don't ever give up!
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Old 10-19-2017, 09:37 AM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by DangerZone View Post
You should be proud of yourself for getting to 40-days... If you can get to 40 -days you can get to a year. If you can get to a year you can get to five-years. If you can get to five-years you can get to 10.. You get the idea..

The fact you slipped and came right back here is a great sign. Keep trying and don't ever give up!
Thank you DZ,
It helps to come on here too to read and document. It gives me that extra push that I need to percevere and not fail myself. It's not only me and a hereinmyhead conversation or rational. It's encouraging, others care, and that alone helps when I may not as much for myself.
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Old 10-19-2017, 06:25 PM
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Hi, Caprice. I wanted to write and say good luck to you. I also do not want to “count days” of sobriety. I want sobriety to be a natural outcome of the days I do remain sober that leads to health, contentment, and wellbeing.

I became anorexic at age eighteen and then quickly turned to bulimia and alcohol. I used food and alcohol in a negative way for more than a decade before I finally settled on alcohol as my solution-in-chief.

I am not equating your situation with mine. For me, things (an inner tension) start to build up after a period of time of not drinking. I allow myself to drink, thus relieving the tension. I say to myself that it is a small blip in the general forward direction toward total sobriety, and I will move forward from that point. After all, relapse is common when one is attempting to get sober, is it not?

But in my heart of hearts, I know that I have not come up with a good plan for staying sober, have not dealt successfully with the underlying causes of my drinking, and I am making excuses for my relapses. For me, it has occurred too many times to accept my own excuses. I hope you will be able to get to another 41 days and more, but who is counting, right?

I wish you all the best.
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Old 10-19-2017, 06:45 PM
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After all, relapse is common when one is attempting to get sober, is it not?
It might be common but it's not necessary - I'd hate anyone to think that, Ed

D
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Old 10-19-2017, 06:52 PM
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Yes, D, you are right.
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Old 10-20-2017, 05:24 AM
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Originally Posted by Pajanickah View Post
Don't listen to this post, move forward.

It's post like these that make me despise posting in general.
Most of us hated this kind of advice in the beginning. Turns out - it is spot on.
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Old 10-20-2017, 10:13 AM
  # 34 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by ed2715 View Post
Hi, Caprice. I wanted to write and say good luck to you. I also do not want to “count days” of sobriety. I want sobriety to be a natural outcome of the days I do remain sober that leads to health, contentment, and wellbeing.

I became anorexic at age eighteen and then quickly turned to bulimia and alcohol. I used food and alcohol in a negative way for more than a decade before I finally settled on alcohol as my solution-in-chief.

I am not equating your situation with mine. For me, things (an inner tension) start to build up after a period of time of not drinking. I allow myself to drink, thus relieving the tension. I say to myself that it is a small blip in the general forward direction toward total sobriety, and I will move forward from that point. After all, relapse is common when one is attempting to get sober, is it not?

But in my heart of hearts, I know that I have not come up with a good plan for staying sober, have not dealt successfully with the underlying causes of my drinking, and I am making excuses for my relapses. For me, it has occurred too many times to accept my own excuses. I hope you will be able to get to another 41 days and more, but who is counting, right?

I wish you all the best.
Hi ed,
I absolutely can relate. Very similar for me and is not unheard of with people who have eating disorders. It's a life long struggle and creeps up on you even years later. For me too the tension was unbearable, I puked that week and then instead of returning to that hell made the conscioys decision to sooner relieve the tension and unease with allowing myself to drink. If i had to compare both diseases, an eating disorder is much harder to deal with - you need to eat. It's also psychiatric illness which I had been hospitalized and treated for (both anorexia and bulimia). Only in my mid 20s though i switched it to alcohol. But when i "quit" drinking for that stretch, it presented itself again. At first i was ok with it because it wasn't alcohol but I need to deal with that too and probably will have to until the day I die. Alcohol wasn't the solution and even if those feelings return and I do not feel any better simply because I'm sober for some time at least I'm not making my life worse by drinking.
I do have to confront both issues though and not interchange them.
Best luck to you, it is exceptionally hard to deal with both and I hope you never give up and forgive yourself if along the way you relapse. As long as you continue trying and work on it with professional and sometimes medical help.
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Old 10-20-2017, 10:34 AM
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Originally Posted by August252015 View Post
Most of us hated this kind of advice in the beginning. Turns out - it is spot on.
Not sure if it's my post, but I would rather suggest to encourage people who persist despite upsets. As long as you're honest and trying, it's commendable.
Some may be dealing with serious and also life threatening underlying issues which have underlying issues; like peeling an onion.
Be kind to yourselves and others and don't let the weight crush you. Stay on the path or get on it and it's ok if you fall on the way as long as you pick yourself back up.
Congrats to all who remain sober but don't judge others so harshly who are trying, struggling and just being honest.
It's day 6 for me and I'm still with you!
Much love.
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Old 10-20-2017, 12:09 PM
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Originally Posted by Caprice6 View Post
Not sure if it's my post, but I would rather suggest to encourage people who persist despite upsets. As long as you're honest and trying, it's commendable.
Some may be dealing with serious and also life threatening underlying issues which have underlying issues; like peeling an onion.
Be kind to yourselves and others and don't let the weight crush you. Stay on the path or get on it and it's ok if you fall on the way as long as you pick yourself back up.
Congrats to all who remain sober but don't judge others so harshly who are trying, struggling and just being honest.
It's day 6 for me and I'm still with you!
Much love.
Sorry, i lost count, day 7 booze free.
My center just called an I have a meeting with a psychiatrist here on the 10th. She got my medical history records with my permission from another province I used to live in and wanted to see me sooner but I can't make it happen due to work.
No one now can see that I am dealing with heavy issues that required long term medical inpatient (3 months) treatment...i had to sleep on extra soft mattresses so my bones wouldn't break and have acquired early arthritis due to my eating disorder since. I can't reverse that damage but as long as I'm still alive, i will keep trying to heal mentally and emotionally.
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Old 10-20-2017, 06:01 PM
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I had a nice stretch some time ago. I felt AMAZING! FREAKING GREAT! I was on a high after finishing a huge project at work and it was playoff baseball... My team was in it! I felt so great I thought heck I'll stop off and get a bottle of wine. I never drink wine. I'll be sophisticated and it won't be an issue. I drank one glass while eating and watching baseball... That's it. The next day I felt fine. No hangover no remorse no anxiety. Everything was good. Well, my team was playing again tonight, so I'll just have another glass... Nope I drank the rest of the bottle. The next day I bought a bottle a finished it and then went out and got a six pack of beer.... It all started as an innocent glass of wine. It didn't end so innocent however.

Just my two cents and my experience after stringing together a good stretch. Be careful! Be very careful as I walked that line and then decided to jump off. I wish I hadn't. Take it for what you will but that's what happened to me.
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Old 10-20-2017, 07:13 PM
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Originally Posted by jryan19982 View Post
I had a nice stretch some time ago. I felt AMAZING! FREAKING GREAT! I was on a high after finishing a huge project at work and it was playoff baseball... My team was in it! I felt so great I thought heck I'll stop off and get a bottle of wine. I never drink wine. I'll be sophisticated and it won't be an issue. I drank one glass while eating and watching baseball... That's it. The next day I felt fine. No hangover no remorse no anxiety. Everything was good. Well, my team was playing again tonight, so I'll just have another glass... Nope I drank the rest of the bottle. The next day I bought a bottle a finished it and then went out and got a six pack of beer.... It all started as an innocent glass of wine. It didn't end so innocent however.

Just my two cents and my experience after stringing together a good stretch. Be careful! Be very careful as I walked that line and then decided to jump off. I wish I hadn't. Take it for what you will but that's what happened to me.
Thank you. I hope to be normal. What with drinking once every other month it can be, but deep down I know it's not the answer. Simple as that. If we wanna dig into it deeper, then it's just covering up underlying issues to ease the way.
There is nothing more that I'd like than to be or feel simply ok at times.
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Old 10-20-2017, 08:23 PM
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My mother gave me AA, alcoholism and arthritis. I was interested on your mention of an eating disorder. Being that I was way underweight and suffering malnutrition when I got sober, I wondered if there were any similarities.

My main thing was drinking, and I found food got in the way of that. I could not drink my fill with a belly full of food, so I left the food. Then after a day or two, even if I was hungry, my stomach was so messed up I couldn't eat more than a mouthful.

I don't know of that is similar to you, but I do know that the combination of end stage alcoholism and malnutrition completely disrupted normal brain function. I pretty much lost the ability to think, reason or make even small decisions.
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Old 10-20-2017, 10:09 PM
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Hi Caprice6. I’m glad to see you posting again. 7 days is a good start. Take care🙂
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