Mizzuno

Good Morning, SR.
I thought to reach out as I'm embarking on a new life now. I feel the need to bring in a support system and this forum has always been a good place for support.

I am sober. 7 months in a few days.

I moved out of my home. I'm in the beginning stages of a divorce. I'm emotionally hurting but I have my eye on the bigger picture.

My brain has all these thoughts running rampant. What do I do with those thoughts? Nothing. I watch them come and go and I do the next best thing.

I've been working a lot. Focus. Keep focusing. Keep running. Keep the routine. I am devastated though. Vulnerable.

Drinking is not an option. It's really one day at a time right now. One second that leads to another.

Life. It's an experience.

PhoenixJ

Yes- life IS an experience. It is letting go of the past, but never forgetting it, learning from it and moving on. It is making plans to shape the future- today. BUT perhaps more importantly, it is being mindful of now- this moment today. Because now is all we will ever have. Prayers and support to you. Keep up the good fight..because we are worth it.

Mizzuno

Making plans to shape the future. Check.

I may be doing this in my head.

All my " plans" became something new. I'm working on trying to think of myself as a single person. New existence entirely.

MidnightBlue

Miz, I am so sorry you are going through all this now.

Kudos for not drinking!

I know it may sound as a platitude and cliche, but break up with my ex, though extremely hurtful, turned out to be one of the best decision I ever made.

Lots of hugs and supportive vibes your way.

aasharon90

When one door closes another one
opens for new, positive, healthier,
sober opportunities.

Clear away the clutter of past behaviors,
selfishness, self seeking motives, looking
at my part in situations, how I may have
played a role in it. Was it good or bad,
making a list of those whom I hurt along
the way. Make my amends. Incorporate
a program of recovery using it as a
guideline to keep my side of the street
clean while moving forward helping
others who still suffer with addiction
by sharing my own ESH - experiences,
strengths and hopes of what my life
was and is like before, during and after
my addiction.

A successful recovery life would
require continued daily maintenance
in all areas of my life.

D122y

Mizz,

You have my support.

I see pictures of myself before I decided to quit.

I look happy, strong, awesome.

I think that is part of the sober journey for us.

While addicted we can function ok. Until we can't any more.

So we have good memories associated w the addiction. I lived in a fantasy.

I was a rock star minus the money and girls.

I was having my cake.

Last night I went out to gamble. I sat next to 2 people, both reeked of stale booze.

They seemed happy enough in, what I figure, a deeply addicted state.

I didn't envy them at all. I felt sorry for them.

I feel sorry for my wife...a normie.

She thinks booze helps her sleep. I told her it doesn't, but she won't listen.

She doesn't want to waste a left over bottle of wine.

If I could without a huge fight, I would get rid of every bit of booze in the house.

It takes a person decision and then clean time....years of it...for things to normalize for us.

I really feel amazing these days...even w my 2 slips. They did not change my chemical balance, for more than a few days really, at all.

Thanks.

SoberLeigh

I am so very sorry to hear this, Mizz.

You have my/our support.

Please lean on us!

Mizzuno

New chapters can be traumatizing. They can also be liberating. I am in between these two states.

How to piece it all together now? How to resolve and walk forward now? Its one day at a time. One moment at a time.

I'm grateful for my internal strength. Grateful for the support I do have, friends and this forum.

I don't have any family, truthfully. Those relationships are toxic and I am unable to walk into that den.

I've been changing and growing so much. The realities that I once would deal with have become a line in the sand for me. There are only so many times a person can try to fit a square into a circle. Only so many nights I can zone out on Netflix. Only so many months that I can feel like I'm in a different world even though I was married.

I have choices. Today I choose freedom. Freedom from drinking. Freedom from that which no longer serves me. I choose to walk forward. It doesn't mean that all of this change is not jarring and abnormal. My life is nothing like it was 2 weeks ago. Everything was thrown into the air and now I watch the pieces fall where they may. My own doing. For this I am accountable.

Hawkeye13

sending support mizz

Obladi

Choosing to walk forward can be jarring and enervating, while still somehow invigorating. Yes, we all have accountability for our actions and choices. That's neither good nor bad; it just is.

Peace to you, friend of mine.

O

SimplyFree

I’m sorry this is happening to you. I hope this creates new horizons for you.

SoberLeigh

We are here for you, Mizz, and offering our support.

Thinking of you, my friend

GotTheBlues

Hi there Mizz.

I've followed your progress on SR and am saddened to hear you are struggling. I too am in the midst of a failing marriage. Divorce seems likely now. Dunno, seems like it anyway. It really ******* sucks.

My advice is to keep going --- I cracked at eight months and am struggling to get going again. The last thing you want is to follow my example and be trying to deal with everything and an active addiction too.

Congrats on your sober time.

Mizzuno

Thanks for your kind words.
Divorce is horribly painful. I don't recommend this road at all. I also don't recommend living a life that is not fulfilled. So, I had to do something

Its ******. The whole damn thing.

I hope that you will find your way out of the alcohol struggle. Perhaps your situation may become more clear in time?

Thanks for your support.

Delilah1

Hi Mizz,

Sending lots of love and support your way!!!

❤️Delilah

GotTheBlues

Just ignore this if it is too personal/inappropriate....

My situation is a bit different as I'm the person in recovery and my significant other is the one breaking the relationship.

Don't know your situation in detail, but I was very raw for months into my sobriety. Take your time. Again, I'm not sure of your situation is, but think carefully before doing anything that can't be undone.

[I feel bad for my poor wife BTW]

MythOfSisyphus

Congrats and condolences at the same time, Mizz. Divorce truly sucks. My divorce was one of the most painful events of my life and by most standards it was pretty straightforward (eg short marriage, no kids or property to speak of, etc). But it can be necessary and certainly I grew and changed because of it. I'm confident that you'll emerge from the experience a little weary but stronger and wiser.

Mizzuno

It's not too personal.

I have been in and out of sobriety for years. One year sober. Relapse. Gain some traction into sobriety again for a year. Relapse. Here I am again, sober. Apparently, I want to recover from alcoholism.

Through all of this my sobriety has been in the relationship. My husband and I would have epic battles over alcoholism. I mean, who fights over alcohol? We did. We do. We can and we would.

This time around I chose sobriety after a series of mistakes and seeing that alcohol was a giant root cause of my problems. I was hurting myself, him and the relationship we had. We both were hurting everything from active alcoholism. The family. We came to an agreement that he would continue to drink. Allotted days of drinking. 2 days to be accurate.

I controlled. I controlled the whole dynamic. Control. This word is not my friend at the moment. I don't want to be the controlling ******* in a relationship.

Our life was hit by a series of unfortunate events. My sister was diagnosed with cancer and died. His family member went clinically insane. We fought. We drank. We broke.

I started to see that what I had orchestrated in our life together was not fare for either of us. He needed to be able to make his own decisions for his life. A relationship that was give and take. I was taking. I was not giving. We started to live as roommates. For long periods of time we lived like this. He agreed to everything yet It was not his idea and if I didn't set those allotted drinking days, I'm sure the alcohol would of been a daily event for him.

Laying on the couch night after night unable to participate in a marriage and a life that I created. I felt horrible for what I was not giving in our relationship. I would zone out. The weekends came and went and he would drink and I would watch Netflix. It became a disconnection.

I just knew there was more for him. He deserved a wife that was present emotionally, mentally and intimately. I deserved to be free of alcoholism and all the rules that I set down. I don't want to be that person.

I don't know how this happened? I do know that I refuse to continue staring at the same issues year after year and not having any resolve.

As hard as this is and as hard as I tried we just couldn't seem to bridge the gap on our major issues. We think differently about all of it, and I couldn't come to his conclusions nor could he come to mine. We didn't have a middle ground.

There is so much more to this dynamic and this relationship that has been a struggle for a decade.

So much more.
I'm sorry for all of it.
For what I was in the marriage. I couldn't be anything more and I tried to be less. Less in the ways of not controlling and demanding and .....

I just realized that we couldn't any longer. It became unhealthy.

And.... Thats the personal scoop.

Brought to you by a misspelled running shoe.

Dee74

best wishes for the future Miz.
Blank canvas: You can do whatever you want to do

D

Obladi

I divorced my husband after 12 years of marriage, the majority of which was comprised of us living separate lives. He chose this, I went along with the noble thought and vow that "I made a promise." So I became the martyr, the victim of his temper, teaching the kids to walk on eggshells when he was around. And I started drinking to tolerate the situation. I barely recall this phase, but my eldest kid does. I mostly did a lot of hiding - at work, working at home, drinking and napping.

When one of my children spoke to me after work one day I was struck by a bolt of lightning. She recounted that she couldn't find her dad and got scared so went to the neighbor to tell him she was afraid. Turns out dad was sleeping and by the time the neighbor came by he was up. Neighbor leaves and dad says to a 5-year old, "Don't ever do that again. I was completely mortified." That did it for me. Sends shivers down my spine just thinking about it.

All of which is to say that I've found my higher power and it's the Aum, the everything. And I had a very personal view of how my actions (or inactions) had a relatively negligible but enormously powerful impact on the universe. We need to chose what's right even when it hurts like hell. You're doing the right thing in working to find balance in your life - this will benefit us all.

Virtual hugs wishing they were in real life...

O