My mother drank wine in front of me after she knows I'm struggling
 

First of all let me say I have done Step 1 and 2 with a sponsor.

I find myself angry towards people who can drink. I know I need to only worry about myself because I can't control other people. One incident occurred last weekend with my mother. We went out to lunch and talked about AA and alcoholism for a good portion of it. Some of it may have been uncomfortable for her to hear. We had a nice lunch and she ordered a non-alcoholic cocktail. She does this thing when she goes out to lunch with me and makes a big thing with the waiter like "I want a NON-alcoholic drink today" (obviously she may have that mental obsession, it's just like...just order a cranberry juice and don't make an odd scene) So then after lunch we get home, and I decide to take a nap. I wake up about 2 hours later and it's 3:30 and she's drinking wine in the living room all happy and loving life. I mean, it's like she FORGOT or didn't CARE what we spoke about earlier! She just starts drinking in FRONT OF ME. My sponsor was saying that maybe our discussion caused her some subconscious pain and she just needed the relief. Probably a whole slew of things, realizing or feeling guilty that I have a drinking problem and that it's somehow her fault (i mean it's not....it runs in our family)

So I guess I should stop pondering if she's an alcoholic or not, because maybe it doesn't matter. If she is, there is nothing I can do. But I just get annoyed because she acts kind of superior like she is able to drink. (her drinking may not be alcoholic binging but she can finish a whole bottle and has said that she drinks because she has "a lot of stress in her life") Yes, she's NEVER missed a day of work and doesn't get hangovers. But she gained a lot of weight and is tired all the time, and I told her wine is empty calories but she insists that wouldn't cause her weight gain.

I guess I just felt it was like a slap in the face when she drank right there in front of me. She could wait until I leave. I did tell her it didn't bother me, but it would be nice of her to just wait an hour until I left. I just found it rude. As my sponsor said, maybe she couldn't control her urge even though she cares about me.

I’m confused...you were taking a nap when she started drinking wine in the next room?

My family continued to drink - they continued to offer me drinks for years after I told them I am an alcoholic and for years after I started refusing drinks consistently. Heck the whole world continues to drink. How does that affect me and my sobriety?

As recovering A's, we can't expect others to change their behaviours. She has every right to drink. It is us that need to change ourselves and our attitudes.

Yes, after I went down for a nap she went online while I was sleeping and when I woke up I could tell she had already had at least a glass of wine and was on to her second. (I saw the glass next to her as well and she was not hiding it) She just smiled at me.

You guys are right. I can't control others. I guess I just notice things about her that I know would improve if she stopped drinking, and that frustrates me. I wish she would quit, but I don't think she EVER will....

It sounds like you think your mother should not be drinking because you have stopped drinking? Sure, the support would be nice, but you can do this!

Even if she is an alcoholic, it's her decision to make. When you try to control someone else, I think you find that it makes your own life feel out of control.

I think you should consider stepping away from your mother for awhile until you feel more ready to deal with other people drinking. That's what I did because I really couldn't be around people who were drinking and my mother was at the top of that list.

What day are you on?
I was super hyper-sensitive to anything alcohol in the early days. My hubby's 1 drink after work (he did ask if it bothered me, but I told him no), commercials on TV, booze displays in the grocery store, etc.
But as time passed, all that became water off a duck's back.

I have 98 days today. A little over 3 months without a drink.

Thanks for the input. Looks like these drinking mothers are quite common. Did you say anything to her or just distanced yourself? I did distance myself in the first month. Now I am at 90+ a few days and I'm still bothered. I think was moreso bothered that she knew that was the substance that messed up my life and here she was drinking it right in front of me with no care at all. It just seems callous to me. Maybe mentioning it to her would create more of a firestorm, since I can't control her drinking.

I'd suggest 'staying in your lane'.. Distance if you feel you need to,but her drinking isn't your problem. Your drinking is,correct? Focus on you.

I agree with you that it was very insensitive especially after your discussion at lunch. My mother is a teatotaller so she has barely drunk her whole life. It's like a friend lighting uup a cigarette when you have given up smoking. Maybe tell her it bothers you next time.

Just an observation, but it seems like you have other issues with your mom (her not supporting you) and your choosing to focus on the drinking because you think if you can change that, maybe your relationship will improve?

Have you been in therapy? It seems like this could really be a block to moving forward in your sobriety.

Congrats on the 98 days, that’s amazing!!

Congratulations on your 98 days.

You're possibly correct about her life could improve if she stopped drinking. Thing is, that's her side of the street not yours. None of us got better by curing other people though.

I'd suggest using the resentment prayer and the serenity prayer, forgiving her and using all your emotional energy for your continuing recovery journey. First things first and all that.

BB

I'd suggest staying away from her for a while.

I didn't say anything, I just distanced myself. I had learned to not say anything personal to my mother because she would use it against me. It felt like the right thing to do.

GREAT that you're working through the steps. Having gone through step 1 and 2 like you've said, you've probably started to see that it wasn't really your own drinking that really put you into a tail spin, it was your inability to live life sober and enjoyably at the same time. The inability to be comfortable sober = drinking for an alcoholic.

The deeper you go into the steps the more of your alcoholism you'll see - how you (assuming you're like me, I should say) just weren't really comfortable sober. To see that others may suffer from the exact same thing will turn from a slap in your face into an event that will bring up feelings of compassion for someone who may have the same problem you have.

Best of all, since we can recover from alcoholism, pretty soon it won't matter who's drinking, when they drink, how much or any of that stuff. You'll be "in a position of neutrality, safe and protected." Folks drinking around you will matter to you about as much as people not drinking around you.....it just won't really make a difference either way.

First of all, super congrats on 98 days! That's huge, and you're doing great!!

Then, that quote above. I've practically worn out another quote muttering it to myself... "wehav, keep your side of the street clean." What that means to me is.... it's really not my business if (in my case it's...) my brother is an alcoholic or not. Or any other person, for that matter. What matters is I KNOW I AM. I know what drinking did to me. I worked really hard to not so much get my life back, as get a life. Recovery made me realize that even before my drinking got out of hand, I wasn't super at handling life. I'm not exactly super now, lol, but my life is overall about 1000% better!

When you continue the steps, more things will become clear. 3 is tough, but liberating. 4 is a pain in the ass, but it is super duper helpful. The steps truly set me free. I know your recovery can do the same!

It's so easy to sit back and take other
peoples inventory. Things I don't like
about them. Things that bother me
about them and so on.

Using the steps as a guideline to live
by in life and recovery helps me change
many of those old behaviors and
character defects and stop taking
other people's inventory.

I often remind myself that when
I see faults in others then more
than likely they are the same faults
I have in myself.

Like, when I point one finger at someone
else then there is 4 more pointing back at me.
Yikes. :)

Anyway, today I know what I need
to do to keep serenity in my life and
feel peace in my heart and not let
others ruffle my feathers. I can choose
where I go, with whom I want to be
around, people, places or things that
are in agreement with my sobriety
and recovery.

I never have to place myself in situations
that would have been a cause to make me
drink or add fuel to my addiction back in
the day. Today, my recovery foundation
I live upon is strong and solid because I
continue maintenance on it on a daily bases
making sure that people, places or things
wont be a cause to make cracks in it.

reads like a great example of the why of steps 2 and 3.
good reading starting about pg 60 in the BB.

The first requirement is that we be convinced that any life run on self-will can hardly be a success. On that basis we are almost always in collision with something or somebody, even though our motives are good.


not the easiest thing for me to accept, but people are allowed to do as they please in their home.