Hope
 

I'm really depressed at the moment. I can't seem to find joy in anything. The best I can look forward to in any day is the ability to just survive it. At best, I will wake up at a normal hour and go through the motions; smile when it is required; talk when needed.

Of course, it's not surprising that I've been drinking. I have not been able to convince myself that things will get better if I stop drinking. But one thing I don't need convincing about is that things will definitely get worse if I continue to drink.

Where I'm stuck is this; Is this all I can look forward to, though? The choice between bad and worse? How do I get past 'bad' and 'worse' and achieve 'good'. I don't know how to find happiness.

I've never been a happy person, really, though. Most of my adult life I've dealt with lots of fear, indecision, anxiety, stress and depression. But there have been easier times in the past. Thinking of achieving happiness might be too much to ask for right now though. But what about normalcy and a comfortable, productive routine?

As I write this, I see that I am getting the answer to my own question. My life is not normal and not productive right now due largely to my drinking. If I cut that out, I should achieve some normalcy and a bit of productive routine. That's all I want for now.

It would be nice to be reminded though that with time, perhaps a bit of happiness will sneak into my life if I stay sober. Because right now all I see is darkness.

Glad you posted.

For me, it was frightening to image a life without alcohol because I had no clue what it would be like. I finally got to the point that I knew whatever that life would be was preferable to a certain death by drinking.

The thing about hope, as I have discovered, is that it begins to come in - and eventually stay- as our brain clears of alcohol and we learn to live in recovery. That's what AA has given me; there are other ways - but an active program is necessary to teach us how to live differently. For me, on top of AA that program includes an rx regimen (including for anxiety and mild depression), a spiritual life, routine exercise, time with my sponsor and sober friends and my non AA friends....and I have a full, hopeful life.

Many of us have found we just had to take the leap and know that what you are now calling "bad" (ie a life drinking) would beat "worst."

You can do it. Hope to see you around here.

I felt much like you until I found this forum. With the support of the great people here I have now been sober for eight months. I am amazed at how happy I am without alcohol in my life and hope that you can experience the same feeling. It is tough to stop drinking at first, but believe me you will be greatly rewarded for the effort in the long run.

I am a lot happier without alcohol. It took awhile but I started smiling again and relating to people. Sometimes I feel pure joy! I didn't feel any of that when I was drinking. Alcohol numbed everything. It took awhile to figure out I was not only numbing any pain but also happiness too.

Sorry to hear your feeling this way Lava, saying no to the booze is the best step in improving how you feel.
You can and will feel better and most of all you deserve a happy and fulfilled life.
All the best to you.

This, I think, is the hardest part about very early recovery. There is no easy way to do this, but to go through it. It takes faith and it takes courage, but you can do it and it will be worth it.

I think you will find that your depression and anxiety may ease up in recovery. Alcohol is, after all, a depressant. You will be able to find things that bring you peace and joy as you recover. :)

Hi Lava

The best thing I ever did for my depression was stop drinking.

I'd been depressed for son long I didn't even realise it wasn't normal to feel that way.

Getting sober didn't cure my depression - but it did alleviate it greatly...and staying sober gave me a level playing field and a constancy of mood from which to deal with my mental health.

Like Anna said early recovery is hard - but you're not alone, and there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Stay drinking and there's no light at all.

D