Tired of the hurt
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 1
Tired of the hurt
Hello,
I am new to SR. I will start with my back story. I have been in a relationship with an addict for 11 years. he is addicted to pain pills and nerve pills but his true drug of choice is methamphetamine. He has been arrested multiple times and done multiple stints in county jail some being up to 16 months long. He has completed the Teen Challenge program and then 5 months after coming home relapsed, went to jail, and then was admitted back to Teen Challenge. He completed his second go around there in July. He has been home for about 3 1/2 months which leads us up to now.
For the past two weeks I have suspected something and after so long of living this life with him I can spot the behaviors and tendencies a mile away. Let me add in here that I myself am not an addict. I am a 33 year old mother of a teenage daughter and I am a school teacher. So it is like i live two different lives. My life at work and in the community and then my life at home.
He has not seen me in 9 days now. He barely will answer my phone calls or texts and he is up all day and night for days. This is the exact same behavior as it always is. He is mean and hateful to me. Accuses me of lying and cheating when I am most definitely not. He is irritable and will not do what he says or promises he will do. He is mad at me for no reason and turns every conversation we have into a fight or turn it onto me doing wrong when I am doing nothing but begging him to come home and stop doing this.
I know where this road is leading. I've been through it too many times with him. I guess what I am getting at is I do not know how to leave or how to handle this. I have never been able to find the strength to leave him for good. I love him tremendously and I have stuck by him through all of his relapses and stints in jail and rehab. I am just so tired of being hurt and not being able to move forward and have a life with him. I have been through therapy and I just always get to a certain point in therapy where I need to make the decision to leave and I just don't know how. I thought maybe it may help to talk to people who have went through the same thing and get your feelings, advice, etc.
I am new to SR. I will start with my back story. I have been in a relationship with an addict for 11 years. he is addicted to pain pills and nerve pills but his true drug of choice is methamphetamine. He has been arrested multiple times and done multiple stints in county jail some being up to 16 months long. He has completed the Teen Challenge program and then 5 months after coming home relapsed, went to jail, and then was admitted back to Teen Challenge. He completed his second go around there in July. He has been home for about 3 1/2 months which leads us up to now.
For the past two weeks I have suspected something and after so long of living this life with him I can spot the behaviors and tendencies a mile away. Let me add in here that I myself am not an addict. I am a 33 year old mother of a teenage daughter and I am a school teacher. So it is like i live two different lives. My life at work and in the community and then my life at home.
He has not seen me in 9 days now. He barely will answer my phone calls or texts and he is up all day and night for days. This is the exact same behavior as it always is. He is mean and hateful to me. Accuses me of lying and cheating when I am most definitely not. He is irritable and will not do what he says or promises he will do. He is mad at me for no reason and turns every conversation we have into a fight or turn it onto me doing wrong when I am doing nothing but begging him to come home and stop doing this.
I know where this road is leading. I've been through it too many times with him. I guess what I am getting at is I do not know how to leave or how to handle this. I have never been able to find the strength to leave him for good. I love him tremendously and I have stuck by him through all of his relapses and stints in jail and rehab. I am just so tired of being hurt and not being able to move forward and have a life with him. I have been through therapy and I just always get to a certain point in therapy where I need to make the decision to leave and I just don't know how. I thought maybe it may help to talk to people who have went through the same thing and get your feelings, advice, etc.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,494
Welcome, and I'm sorry for your situation.
You will find lots of support here. You might find it helpful to check out NarAnon or AlAnon in your area. Also we have a forum for Friends & Families of Substance Abusers:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...tance-abusers/
You will find lots of support here. You might find it helpful to check out NarAnon or AlAnon in your area. Also we have a forum for Friends & Families of Substance Abusers:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...tance-abusers/
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,772
Welcome to the family. 
Growing up with an addict in the home must be hard on your child. 
I hope you can find the strength to leave him before he drags you and your child down any further.
Growing up with an addict in the home must be hard on your child. 
I hope you can find the strength to leave him before he drags you and your child down any further. Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 1,518
Hi and welcome , may I offer my sympathy and empathy on your situation .
I have a son in prison who was once on heroin . He's been clean of that for a few years but turned to alcohol . I know what it feels like ( an alcoholic myself ) to have a loved one in this position , its heartbreaking so all I can really do is tell you I am praying for you all .
I have a son in prison who was once on heroin . He's been clean of that for a few years but turned to alcohol . I know what it feels like ( an alcoholic myself ) to have a loved one in this position , its heartbreaking so all I can really do is tell you I am praying for you all .
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, Knmasters21.
Welcome to SR.
You will find lots of support here.
It sounds as though you are about at the end of your rope.
I don’t know much about meth, save that it is a horrible drug and a very tough addiction to get clear of.
I think that change comes when acceptance comes, and that is different for everyone.
Perhaps it is time to stop texting for a bit. He is on a path that is his alone.
Meantime, take good care of yourself and your daughter.
Peace.
Welcome to SR.
You will find lots of support here.
It sounds as though you are about at the end of your rope.
I don’t know much about meth, save that it is a horrible drug and a very tough addiction to get clear of.
I think that change comes when acceptance comes, and that is different for everyone.
Perhaps it is time to stop texting for a bit. He is on a path that is his alone.
Meantime, take good care of yourself and your daughter.
Peace.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,419
Welcome to SR Knmasters - I'm sorry for what brings you here but you'll find a lot of good advice and support here 
Reading your post there doesn't seem to be much in this relationship for you and especially your teenage daughter
11 years is a long time...
maybe if things haven't gotten better by now.... they may not?
I'm sure there are other good sides to this guy too - I'm an alcoholic in recovery - but the bottom line is you're the other woman in his love affair with meth...
Sounds like you and your daughter deserve better.
D
Reading your post there doesn't seem to be much in this relationship for you and especially your teenage daughter
11 years is a long time...
maybe if things haven't gotten better by now.... they may not?
I'm sure there are other good sides to this guy too - I'm an alcoholic in recovery - but the bottom line is you're the other woman in his love affair with meth...
Sounds like you and your daughter deserve better.
D
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Something that comes up often on the Friends and Family forum is how the addiction affects the family, especially the children.
I often read that “the kids don’t know.”
Or, “they don’t seem affected by it.”
Or, “I protect them.”
Sadly, the kids do know about the addiction, they are affected by it, and you can’t protect them enough.
As an ACOA, i knew exactly when my father was going to lose his temper, which happened a lot when he was drinking, and I knew I needed to beat feet up to my room.
Your daughter can see your worry when your partner disappears for days.
She sees when he is nasty to you, when you beg him to come home.
What messages are you sending to her?
I often read that “the kids don’t know.”
Or, “they don’t seem affected by it.”
Or, “I protect them.”
Sadly, the kids do know about the addiction, they are affected by it, and you can’t protect them enough.
As an ACOA, i knew exactly when my father was going to lose his temper, which happened a lot when he was drinking, and I knew I needed to beat feet up to my room.
Your daughter can see your worry when your partner disappears for days.
She sees when he is nasty to you, when you beg him to come home.
What messages are you sending to her?
Member
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 96
“ I am just so tired of being hurt and not being able to move forward and have a life with him.”
It’s been 11 years. You need to CHOOSE between *moving forward*, and *having a life with him.* The life with him is THIS. It’s not going to get better, and he’s not going to change unless he wants to. No amount of begging is going to help.
I would concentrate on your daughter. She’s put up with you choosing him over her for most of her life. What would you say to her in this situation?
It’s been 11 years. You need to CHOOSE between *moving forward*, and *having a life with him.* The life with him is THIS. It’s not going to get better, and he’s not going to change unless he wants to. No amount of begging is going to help.
I would concentrate on your daughter. She’s put up with you choosing him over her for most of her life. What would you say to her in this situation?
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