Sunflower84

Hi LastDrop - Reading your post is word for word how I would explain my situation so maybe good to keep in touch!

Exactly the same as you've wrote so I did the same, I can't take anymore of this in denial existing and being so lost instead of sorting it out, getting fully sober and LIVING!

I'm on day 6 today, feel pretty rough physically but I know this will pass and I feel really positive about the future.

I only found this site 3 days ago and it's really been a lifeline, the support is amazing.

Anyway wish you the best and here to talk / compare notes at anytime

Hevyn

Hope it's going ok today, LastDrop.

Kit - Congrats on your 6 days.

LastDrop

Today is good. At home now with my kids. Watching them ride bikes. Day 2. Luckily the beers on Saturday and Sunday didnt leave any hangover. Of course it was 3 beers total for the weekend.

I am under no illusions though. For me there is no drinking and getting away with it. In fact drinking a couple beers is almost worse than going full on because then I want to start arguing with myself.

Anyway I had a good day at work. Good night with my wife last night. Listened to two good AA speakers during the day today. I have no desire to drink at all.

Grateful to be sober on day 2.

Gottalife

I wish I had a dollar for everytime I said that.

The only way out that worked for me was steps, sponsor, meetings, fellowship.

“Nothing short of a concerted effort on the twelve steps as a way of life would bring the much desired result”

I was in, boots and all. Prejudice set to one side, no reservations, open minded, honest and willing to do anything. I was a bit slow with the steps, if you go by the time scale in the book, but I was at step nine in three months and the alcohol problem had been removed. I have never considered drinking since. It worked for me, it might work for you.

We take the steps to recover, not the other way around.

LastDrop

AA has been great to me over the years no question. I have not completed the steps though. I have no problem with em except for 9. Theres a few people I am not going to be making amends with. I have made some of my amends. The biggest holdups for me though are time and anxiety.

I have heard people say many times give AA the same amounts of time you gave to the drink.

But like last night while I was watching my kids ride their bikes I was thinking how usually I would do that with beer in hand. Whisky in garage. Cannot watch my kids from an AA meeting 30 minutes away.

Anxiety wise I have this social anxiety. I get uncomfortable around too many people. So to commit to that multiple times a week 'forever' is a tough order. We shall see.

My sobriety rates have been about the same with or without face to face meetings. And I felt the same. I usually feel great when I am sober. Like today I could not feel better and I am at work right now. My problem seems to be when there are no clouds on the horizon for some reason I create some.

Day 3 is half in the books. Looking forward to the weekend sober soon.

LastDrop

Laying in bed reading some classic SR. Feeling like a million bucks. Should be asleep by 9 and get some good rest. Grateful to be sober. Thanks for all your wisdom. Excited to do the same tomorrow.

Gottalife

Oh well you are in good company. Dr Bob had this same view on what we now call step 9. You can read about it on page 155 in the big book.

He also had something to say about the effort required,. "It never fails, if you go about it with one half the zeal you have been in the habit of showing when you were getting another drink."

LastDrop

You are awesome Mike! I read p 155 and it had a part I have thought about for awhile but didnt know where it was. The part about not knowing what it meant to be alcoholic. Total God shot moment when I saw that.

I am sober, in bed, eating ice cream.

Meraviglioso

Hey there, just checking in to add my support. I completely relate to being 150% convinced that this is the last time, wanting sobriety with everything you have and then seemingly out of nowhere dropping the ball and drinking. Like you, it has often happened when things seem to be going pretty well. I don't know why I sabotage myself like that. I am trying to do things differently this time and am posting here daily, working very closely with a psychologist to keep my alcoholism and the problems it caused in the forefront of my mind. I generally think it is a good idea to stay positive and bright, but that has not worked for me in the past. So while I am not wallowing in misery, I am taking time every day to remember the negative consequences of drinking and plan on doing so for a good long while until I really and truly feel solid in my sobriety. Be that a year, two years, five years... I don't know, but I never want to go there again.

LastDrop

Thanks Meraviglioso
I think I am so accustomed to altering how I feel I get easily overwhelmed by good or bad feelings. I used drink to feel good or bad depending on the day I think. This week I have felt on top of the world at times and then utterly hopeless minutes later. I know this will even out with time but it is a ride!

As far as drinking goes its strange I have not wanted to drink. I have had split seconds where I tasted wine or beer or a cocktail in my head but there was no desire to drink. That scares me though because I know my AV is setting me up. Every other time its been like this.

After awhile its been so long since I have drank and my emotions build up to a point and the AV just hits the button and auto pilot kicks in. I can feel myself teetering on the edge and I have always given in.

This time though I have a secret weapon. Its all of my past relapses. I have known I am an alcoholic for years but I always thought I could find a way to manage it. To succeed where so many have failed. This time I know I am beat. Too tired to continue the battle. I am afraid of the sober life but what other choice do I have. I cannot go on as a drunk any longer.

So its a day at a time now. Today is day 6.

Dee74

way to go LD

D

LastDrop

Slept in a bit on day 7 here.

Sucks to think I should have 2 weeks or two months or 2 years or really 10 years sober right now. I think my first time in AA came in 2007. I got a month of sobriety and decided I was not really alcoholic after all.

How could I have a problem if I can go 30 days?!

How naive of me. But I can't get that time back even though many times I wonder what life would be like had I stayed the course.

I feel great right now. Just staying sober and enjoying life. Waiting for the hard work of sobriety to start.

The weekend is funny. I get two days off work and it goes by so fast. I get 2 percent of what I would like to do done. Yet I used to drink all weekend on top of it. No way to live.

Dee74

A week is still a solid start LD

D

LastDrop

Thanks Dee I know you are right.
Weekend went by superfast. I am at work eating breakfast now. I feel real weird. Like so so sober ... everything is 100% real now.

And theres a low level war going on inside me.

One side is saying I will never drink again and I will never change my mind.

The other is saying you will never make it. You can drink only when you go to the in laws. You can just keep it to beer. Whats the point anyhow what are you trying to prove....

I am so tired of my self sabotage. And so used to it its second nature.

I will not drink today.

dwtbd

You need to pick a side.

"One side is saying I will never drink again and I will never change my mind."

"The other is saying you will never make it."

"You can drink only when you go to the in laws. You can just keep it to beer. Whats the point anyhow what are you trying to prove....

IT is talking to you here. IT is a liar and is trying to convince you to get IT booze, IT will have You be a drunk in order to make sure IT gets ITs precious stuff.

"I will not drink today." That's you, you can tell by the pronoun, stay on your own side, rootin for ya

freshstart57

dwtb is right, you need to pick a side. The real meat of this statement though, and this is crucial, is that you CAN pick a side. You can make the solemn and considered decision to make the last drink you took be the last drink you will ever take, and that decision can be YOU. The noise about self doubt, self worth, all that other crap, is nothing more than ITs whining and winging about being cut off permanently from ITs source of alcohol. Assign all that self doubt to IT, separate from IT, and stick with what YOU want and deserve. And what you want and deserve is a life without the agony and torment of addiction, a life with peace and hope and joy, and your own measure of happiness.

You can do it. Identify those negative thoughts as not YOU, but IT, separate from them by understanding the divide that you created by making that decision to never again drink, and then get busy doing stuff and reaping the reward of living well. Onward!

tursiops999

The war will end when you choose that first side -- the real you, that wants to be sober. When you choose that side, you can begin to view that other side as "not you" ... you can become disconnected from those thoughts of drinking. You may still hear them, but you can learn to perceive them as not really "your" thoughts -- just the dying thoughts of your addiction, which can be automatically dismissed without debate. Once you learn this trick, the thoughts lose all their (illusory) power.

Greenwood618

DWTBD and Tursiops are correct. Don't debate the voice telling you to drink. Just recognize it as your lower, undeveloped brain with an endless appetite for what it thinks it needs. Just dismiss it, don't debate.

You, on the other hand, are a mature, responsible adult who doesn't engage in harmful activity. You do not have a disease or a defective personality.

Learn to separate the two - the animal drive for pleasure and the mature adult - and you have it licked. Please check out the Secular Forum for lots of details on the technique known as AVRT.

Juicer

Congrats on the progress.. Like you I turned into a binge drinker, and the fact that I've been off work as only increased my frequency of episodes. My last one ended this past Friday, and it really knocked me on my ass.

I've had about 4-5 hrs of sleep in the past two days and I have these Hypnic Jerks that have made it difficult for me to sleep. These are a recent development for me and a wake-up call.

I can relate on the guilt and embarrassment, during my episodes I've been known to get onto Facebook/texts and say some stupid things to friends and family. The next day I almost don't want to look at them due to the shame I feel. After I get through this latest bout I have quite a bit of rebuilding relationships to do.. Good luck on your continued sobriety.

LastDrop

That is all great information! And so true. Thank you all so much for posting. I can always easily remind myself what is happening here.

dwtbd, thanks for pointing out those quotes. That really blew me away.

At home now and really absorbing the fact that I truly can make this the end of alcohol in my life. A different way of thinking for me. Almost feels like someone new is in my head.