bobdrop

Guess I was feeling too good. Hit some problems at home and felt my heart racing and had a couple of shots to calm down. Don't feel my heart racing anymore, but have started back in on the vodka. Wish I could be sharing this with my wife of 34 years, but we tend to avoid talking about uncomfortable topics. Hell, I'll just say it. We're both stubborn as hell and when we get to a disagreement we just vow not to talk about it anymore. Has led to a lot of quiet nights.

I imagine that I'll wake up tomorrow and move on, just like always. Probably start another week or month without drinking and then rationalize that I've made progress. This site has made me see things differently. I lost tonight, but from what I've read, I can come back again tomorrow with a new vigor.

I don't even hate myself. I think that's important. This site has made me realize my frailties. I screwed up tonight, but I'm trying to look at the big picture. I go back to my cardiologist in 10 days. He won't lie to me. I will find out how bad it it is, or how much better it is. I don't know.

I guess at the heart of it is, my wife doesn't even notice. I've never been a violent or obnoxious drunk. My problem is it has caused cardiomyopathy. She knows this but doesn't seem to care. It's killing me after 34 years. I'm not perfect, but I could hope for some support instead of me thinking she's just waiting for me to be gone.

biminiblue

I suppose you can take that from the posts here. You may get another chance.

Or you can read the many posts that say, "My friend died today of alcoholism."

We don't get never-ending chances, and I would think cardiomyopathy is as close to the "bottom" as I would like to be...

Anna

I'm glad you're back, but I don't think you should assume that you can always come back and start again. It doesn't always work that way.

I'm sorry about the situation with your wife. Have the two of you ever talked about family counselling?

bobdrop

No on counseling. I love my wife and generally think she sees things straighter than I do. I'm highly educated, but think I may have grown up in a weird environment.

tnek97

There are two voices that jump out when I read your post: you, and your AV. You are wanting to change, seeing that a future without alcohol is possible; and your AV, who is finding excuses like "I was feeling too good".

I get this from your post, because it feels like something I said a year ago. I can feel you wanting to be sober, and I hope you do. But you've got to make a change, right now, to begin that life. Any change towards a better life, even something small, but do it now. Don't imagine anymore, do it.

Stronger2017

Hi Bob🙂 Thanks for sharing your thoughts. If it was me and I was in your position, I wouldn't resign myself to maybe drinking some between now and your cardiologist appointment in 10 days. Get back on it tomorrow is my advice. Good luck!

jryan19982

Just "No" on counseling? There may be an issue that needs to be addressed and counseling is a good way to help hash it out. And being that dismissive of it as a suggestion may show that maybe you don't want to work it out and would rather just have it roll as status quo? Especially if you think she is really waiting for you to be gone, it shows that something needs to be addressed.

If you keep pushing being sober off until tomorrow, or next time you could very well run out of time. Your ticker is already saying enough is enough right? Yet tomorrow is the date? Not now?