How do I get my son back into a recovery program
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Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 14
How do I get my son back into a recovery program
This is my first post. I am the father of an alcoholic son, who also abuses substances. Like all addiction stories, it is long and miserable, and I will get to that in a minute. My question is simple; how do I get my son back into a recovery program?
So here goes…..
When my son was sixteen, he was diagnosed with anxiety and depression. He got through high school and did very well academically. He got into a top school, but as soon as he left home, he fell apart. He started to suffer from insomnia, his mental health worsened and stopped attending classes, but there were no issues of alcoholism or substance abuse.
Then, something bizarre happened. While at college he developed a gambling addiction. He started losing money on poker every day. I took control of his finances, and prevented the financial aspect of the problem spinning out of control. By February 2014, he had dropped out. He came home, and the gambling habit disappeared overnight.
Soon after getting back home, he got a job as a waiter and the plan was he would return to college as soon as possible, which was August 2015. Then one day, he came home with a six pack and drank the whole thing in about an hour. I have been around alcoholics all my life and I knew immediately what this meant.
Sure enough, he started binge drinking. We couldn’t get him to stop. He was, as they say, self-medicating. His drinking became very bad in the winter of 2015, but we got him to put in a bunch of college applications. This improved things and his drinking slowed from getting drunk every second day to perhaps once or twice a week. He became more hopeful.
Most of the college applications were rejected, and he took this very hard. However, he got into a very good school in the same city where we lived. But he kept drinking. He made a minimal effort while at college but somehow kept his GPA up to 3.4, mainly by taking easy courses and dropping ones that were more demanding.
In the summer of 2016, during a moment of extreme drunkenness, he made a very half-hearted attempt to kill himself. This got him into the local psych ward for a few days. When he came out, we got him into an out-patients program. He left after about three weeks, saying that he wasn’t an alcoholic and his problems weren’t as bad as the other patients. He was back binge drinking shortly afterwards.
After a term of very heavy drinking, he admitted he had a problem and he started going to AA. He stayed sober 50 days, but he got drunk at a lunch at the firm where he was interning. He couldn’t recover from the relapse.
Then, in March, he started taking cocaine. Since he was living away, it took us some time to realize that he had graduated to a whole new level of addiction. He came back home at the beginning of this summer and continued to drink heavily.
In mid-July he got a job at a restaurant, and his substance abuse accelerated. He started hanging out in bars when he wasn’t working. The binge drinking stopped and he started drinking at a steady consistent rate. His cocaine use accelerated. He ended up in the ER four times during the summer and spent some time in the Psych ward. He spent every penny he earned during the summer on alcohol and cocaine.
The combined effect of cocaine and alcohol wrecks his mental health. He has terrible crashes that require up to two days in bed. He is taking Prozac for depression and Vyvanse for ADHD. But the combined effects of cocaine and alcohol negate any therapeutic effects of the meds. Therapy becomes almost pointless.
In August I took him back to college. He promised to start going to meetings. Instead, he got totally drunk for two straight days. On the first day of term, I told him I wouldn’t pay his fees and that there was no point him going back to college while he continued to get out of his head. He came home and the next day, we signed him up for an outpatient program.
That was forty days ago. The program put him on Antabuse and he hasn’t drunk any alcohol since. However, he has continued using cocaine. Prior to about a week ago, he used perhaps once a week. During the last week, we strongly suspect that his usage has accelerated close to the levels of the summer. He had no money in September, so his dealers lost interest. He started working about two weeks ago at a restaurant and the vampires returned. One bastard dealer phoned him up, and my son that he didn’t want to buy anything. However, the dealer turned up at the restaurant and gave him some **** on credit. Since then, my son’s resistance collapsed and we are heading into another hellish period of drunkenness and coke usage.
He last went to the outpatient treatment on Monday, but now refuses to return. He took an Antabuse yesterday. I have his prescription and I am trying to conserve the supply in order to maximize the length of sobriety. If he refuses to take an Antabuse tomorrow, I expect a full-blown alcohol relapse by the middle of next week. He has a couple of hundred dollars and that is more than enough for a massive relapse.
In the past, there have been times when I was able to reach him and get him to agree that he needs help. There have been other times, when he has been in denial and pretends he doesn’t have a problem. At the moment, he is in denial. Last night, he told me that I “took away the only pain-killer” he had. We cannot communicate with him, in part, because of his current substance abuse.
He has his reasons to be depressed. He has suffered many disappointments over the last four years. He has made lots of mistakes, and life has not been forgiving. His addictions have made his situation far worse. He has paid a terrible price for these mistakes, but the costs have not yet been high enough for him to stop self-harming and start to build a healthy life for himself. I can’t rationalize with him. He won’t accept that he needs to stay sober and clean. He flippantly denies taking cocaine, even though we know the extent of his consumption over the last week.
So, I need help. For him, there is loads of help available, if he would only take advantage of it. The question is simple; how do we get him back into a recovery program? As I said, a full-scale relapse is on its way.
So here goes…..
When my son was sixteen, he was diagnosed with anxiety and depression. He got through high school and did very well academically. He got into a top school, but as soon as he left home, he fell apart. He started to suffer from insomnia, his mental health worsened and stopped attending classes, but there were no issues of alcoholism or substance abuse.
Then, something bizarre happened. While at college he developed a gambling addiction. He started losing money on poker every day. I took control of his finances, and prevented the financial aspect of the problem spinning out of control. By February 2014, he had dropped out. He came home, and the gambling habit disappeared overnight.
Soon after getting back home, he got a job as a waiter and the plan was he would return to college as soon as possible, which was August 2015. Then one day, he came home with a six pack and drank the whole thing in about an hour. I have been around alcoholics all my life and I knew immediately what this meant.
Sure enough, he started binge drinking. We couldn’t get him to stop. He was, as they say, self-medicating. His drinking became very bad in the winter of 2015, but we got him to put in a bunch of college applications. This improved things and his drinking slowed from getting drunk every second day to perhaps once or twice a week. He became more hopeful.
Most of the college applications were rejected, and he took this very hard. However, he got into a very good school in the same city where we lived. But he kept drinking. He made a minimal effort while at college but somehow kept his GPA up to 3.4, mainly by taking easy courses and dropping ones that were more demanding.
In the summer of 2016, during a moment of extreme drunkenness, he made a very half-hearted attempt to kill himself. This got him into the local psych ward for a few days. When he came out, we got him into an out-patients program. He left after about three weeks, saying that he wasn’t an alcoholic and his problems weren’t as bad as the other patients. He was back binge drinking shortly afterwards.
After a term of very heavy drinking, he admitted he had a problem and he started going to AA. He stayed sober 50 days, but he got drunk at a lunch at the firm where he was interning. He couldn’t recover from the relapse.
Then, in March, he started taking cocaine. Since he was living away, it took us some time to realize that he had graduated to a whole new level of addiction. He came back home at the beginning of this summer and continued to drink heavily.
In mid-July he got a job at a restaurant, and his substance abuse accelerated. He started hanging out in bars when he wasn’t working. The binge drinking stopped and he started drinking at a steady consistent rate. His cocaine use accelerated. He ended up in the ER four times during the summer and spent some time in the Psych ward. He spent every penny he earned during the summer on alcohol and cocaine.
The combined effect of cocaine and alcohol wrecks his mental health. He has terrible crashes that require up to two days in bed. He is taking Prozac for depression and Vyvanse for ADHD. But the combined effects of cocaine and alcohol negate any therapeutic effects of the meds. Therapy becomes almost pointless.
In August I took him back to college. He promised to start going to meetings. Instead, he got totally drunk for two straight days. On the first day of term, I told him I wouldn’t pay his fees and that there was no point him going back to college while he continued to get out of his head. He came home and the next day, we signed him up for an outpatient program.
That was forty days ago. The program put him on Antabuse and he hasn’t drunk any alcohol since. However, he has continued using cocaine. Prior to about a week ago, he used perhaps once a week. During the last week, we strongly suspect that his usage has accelerated close to the levels of the summer. He had no money in September, so his dealers lost interest. He started working about two weeks ago at a restaurant and the vampires returned. One bastard dealer phoned him up, and my son that he didn’t want to buy anything. However, the dealer turned up at the restaurant and gave him some **** on credit. Since then, my son’s resistance collapsed and we are heading into another hellish period of drunkenness and coke usage.
He last went to the outpatient treatment on Monday, but now refuses to return. He took an Antabuse yesterday. I have his prescription and I am trying to conserve the supply in order to maximize the length of sobriety. If he refuses to take an Antabuse tomorrow, I expect a full-blown alcohol relapse by the middle of next week. He has a couple of hundred dollars and that is more than enough for a massive relapse.
In the past, there have been times when I was able to reach him and get him to agree that he needs help. There have been other times, when he has been in denial and pretends he doesn’t have a problem. At the moment, he is in denial. Last night, he told me that I “took away the only pain-killer” he had. We cannot communicate with him, in part, because of his current substance abuse.
He has his reasons to be depressed. He has suffered many disappointments over the last four years. He has made lots of mistakes, and life has not been forgiving. His addictions have made his situation far worse. He has paid a terrible price for these mistakes, but the costs have not yet been high enough for him to stop self-harming and start to build a healthy life for himself. I can’t rationalize with him. He won’t accept that he needs to stay sober and clean. He flippantly denies taking cocaine, even though we know the extent of his consumption over the last week.
So, I need help. For him, there is loads of help available, if he would only take advantage of it. The question is simple; how do we get him back into a recovery program? As I said, a full-scale relapse is on its way.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,502
Welcome!
I'm sorry for the situation with your son. Sadly, there is little that you can do to make him go into a program or to stop using drugs. He will have to make that decision himself.
For you, consider checking out alAnon in your area for support. Also, we have a Forum for Friends & Families of Substance Abusers where you will find support:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...tance-abusers/
I'm sorry for the situation with your son. Sadly, there is little that you can do to make him go into a program or to stop using drugs. He will have to make that decision himself.
For you, consider checking out alAnon in your area for support. Also, we have a Forum for Friends & Families of Substance Abusers where you will find support:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...tance-abusers/
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,355
Man I'm so sorry you are going through this. I tried coke a few times and man I could feel it's vices tightening so I never used it again. But I abused alcohol and pills. Both were legal and I didn't know I was addicted until it was too late. I will say this that nothing will make him stop unless he wants to. He had to want it and if it is forced it has less of a chance of sticking. You've been a hell of a dad it sounds like but really other people's actions and trying to help usually fall on deaf ears to an addict... I know as I am sure everyone here will tell you.
Best of luck to you and your family. I hope it all works out soon.
Best of luck to you and your family. I hope it all works out soon.
Last edited by Dee74; 10-06-2017 at 06:37 PM.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,777
Welcome! 
I hope your son comes to his senses and decides to get clean and sober for good. Until he does, there is little you can do. Does he live with you? If so, lay down some ground rules.
If not, I'd try detaching with love and let him hit his bottom. Maybe then he'll get sober.
I hope your son comes to his senses and decides to get clean and sober for good. Until he does, there is little you can do. Does he live with you? If so, lay down some ground rules.If not, I'd try detaching with love and let him hit his bottom. Maybe then he'll get sober.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,436
I'm sorry for what brings you here, but this is a great place for support COYI.
Like others have said, your son needs to want to do these things.
I hope he will have a moment of clarity like I and so many others here have and want to turn his life around
D
Like others have said, your son needs to want to do these things.
I hope he will have a moment of clarity like I and so many others here have and want to turn his life around
D
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,355
Originally Posted by jryan19982 
Man I'm so sorry you are going through this. I tried coke a few times and man I could feel it's vices tightening so I never used it again. But I abused alcohol and pills. Both were legal and I didn't know I was addicted until it was too late. I will say this that nothing will make him stop unless he wants to. He had to want it and if it is forced it has less of a chance of sticking. You've been a hell of a dad it sounds like but really other people's actions and trying to help usually fall on deaf ears to an addict... I know as I am sure everyone here will tell you.
Best of luck to you and your family. I hope it all works out soon.
Best of luck to you and your family. I hope it all works out soon.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 14
My son lives with me, my wife and my daughter. Our other son is off at college. I don't think we could cut him loose, mainly because he will sink. We did pull the plug on college, and that was something of a shock. We have threatened to kick him out. But I am not sure it is credible at the moment.
quat
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: terra (mostly)firma
Posts: 4,823
Do you think your son wants to stop drinking and using drugs?
An honest answer from him and an honest estimation on your part will most likely be your best guide to appropriate action.
I wouldn't say anyone was addicted, unless they want to stop but find themselves doing it against their own better judgement.
A state of addiction is very commonly a consequence of drinkers/users that indulge those desires to point of lifestyle changes, financial, social, loss of trust of loved ones ect.
Sorry to hear of your son's situation and hope you can figure out the best way to help your family.
An honest answer from him and an honest estimation on your part will most likely be your best guide to appropriate action.
I wouldn't say anyone was addicted, unless they want to stop but find themselves doing it against their own better judgement.
A state of addiction is very commonly a consequence of drinkers/users that indulge those desires to point of lifestyle changes, financial, social, loss of trust of loved ones ect.
Sorry to hear of your son's situation and hope you can figure out the best way to help your family.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 14
dwtbd
These are simple questions with complicated answers. Some days he really wants to stop. Other days, he is ambivalent. During the summer, he told me that he went to bars simply because he was lonely and in a bar no one judges him and accepts him. It broke my hear to hear that answer.
The cocaine use is harder to understand. He has an explanation which could be summarized as a moment of temporary relief. However, it is followed by devastating crashes.
Two nights ago, my son was crying. He said he wanted a different life. I asked him what could I do, he asked me if I could "turn back the clock". By this, he meant that he regrets dropping out of school the first time.
But it is hard to get him to consistently work towards a better life. He is trapped, at least for the short run.
These are simple questions with complicated answers. Some days he really wants to stop. Other days, he is ambivalent. During the summer, he told me that he went to bars simply because he was lonely and in a bar no one judges him and accepts him. It broke my hear to hear that answer.
The cocaine use is harder to understand. He has an explanation which could be summarized as a moment of temporary relief. However, it is followed by devastating crashes.
Two nights ago, my son was crying. He said he wanted a different life. I asked him what could I do, he asked me if I could "turn back the clock". By this, he meant that he regrets dropping out of school the first time.
But it is hard to get him to consistently work towards a better life. He is trapped, at least for the short run.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,905
He will have to come to a point where he can't stand another minute of living the way he is living. This isn't a point you can bring him to. He has to decide this on his own.
An addict will come to that decision many times, but when it gets too hard, he will go back to the comfort of the drugs.
I know how difficult it is to watch someone you love making such bad decisions, but until he can't stand it another minute, there isn't anything you can convince him to do about it. That is the hardest thing a parent can come to understand.
An addict will come to that decision many times, but when it gets too hard, he will go back to the comfort of the drugs.
I know how difficult it is to watch someone you love making such bad decisions, but until he can't stand it another minute, there isn't anything you can convince him to do about it. That is the hardest thing a parent can come to understand.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: CA
Posts: 967
The most important thing in your post was when you stated he stayed sober for 50 days in AA but then relapsed. The solution here is simple: somehow encourage your son to get back in AA, but this time make sure he has a sponsor and is working the steps. Help him see that AA was working for him and that he had a relapse. It will work if he has just enough willingness. Good luck!
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