about a month now
 

So I'm going on four weeks of no alcohol. I do think about it every day still, and a few nights it was hard not to go get that bottle of wine. But those times pass and the moments of bad temptation pass even faster. I have radically changed my schedule from staying up practically all night drinking, to going to bed (with Lunesta) about 1030 and getting up to see the sun rise. It's better in many ways. However, the problems are indeed still here and I am not sure how to proceed with that. Drinking certainly didn't help me move forward, so I'm not really wanting to go back to that, but tolerating the very empty marriage is awful every day. Every month and year. My psych says take steps to leave. I really want to make that a last resort after all other attempts to make it bearable have failed. I have littles and won't blow their lives up. How do you just detach from things like that to get through the other parts of life that also matter a great deal? The marriage is an issue but it isn't the only important thing to consider in my life. There is no one in my life I can talk to about this or even share my struggles. It is very isolating and painful. TY all for listening.

Hi. I'm unsure exactly what your marital issues are, so please forgive me.
Problems are always going to exist. Alcohol only makes them worse.
Isolation is a huge contributing factor to feeding the AV. Have you considered AA? I find the socialization with other alcoholics helps tremendously.
GL & great job on a month! It gets do much better the further away you get from a drink. I didn't believe it, but it's so true.
Jules

Congrats on 4 weeks stillmaggie :)
Unfortunately stopping drinking didn't solve all of my problems either.

I have no advice about marriage but I hope you can seach soem kind of decision about hat you're goign to dop.

The great thing about recovery is we have a future again - only yuou knwo what you'd like that future to be like.

Tons of support here too - you're not alone :)

D

I'm married, here for the kids. My wife isn't a bad person. I have been able to come to acceptance that romantic connections are not for me in this life. I'm less angry, yes sad quite a bit, but I will do good things for my kids. I live by....alone is only lonely if you expect someone to be there......
I have adjusted my expectations and activities to help me maintain sobriety and stability.

I just can't get myself to swallow this yet, in my own life. This is the first night I've stayed up late alone, and I am very sober. Walked my dogs in the beautiful autumn breeze, looking at the moon and stars, saving cold frogs from the perils of the road. All by myself, with my dogs, on a gorgeous Saturday night in October. I want so much to be happy with this new start, free of alcohol. The years lost haunt me. My littlest, I feel like I hardly know her sometimes. The most painful thing is having my marriage be exactly what it was when I was drinking, and before I was drinking. It is the same. There is no special reconnection, no rekindling, no growing closer through the trial. It is just exactly the same. So so so hard to live with peacefully. I know this isn't a marriage issues forum. I have to find a way to focus on other things.

Relationships are very complicated; marriage has an oceanful of emotions and memories of two people, and it can get messy.

When we were drinking, we caused a lot of hurt and resentment.

When we decide to sober up, the spouse’s resentments don’t instantly dissipate just because we’ve turned over a new leaf.

Be patient with yourself, and be patient with your husband, too.

Put your whole heart into working to build your own character. When I started taking a serious look at myself, I realized that I was very selfish, and I had expected the world to revolve around me all my life.

But I threw myself on the mercy of my higher power, asking him to show me how I needed to improve. With his help, I did improve.

He offers great comfort and consolation, and he will equip you with patience and compassion for your husband. God allowed me to see the world through my husband’s eyes for a change, and I developed fundamental compassion for him as a human being rather than licking my wounds and feeling ripped off in a loveless marriage.

I still don’t have a storybook romance, and probably never will; but I am learning to be content in all circumstances.

This sums it up. I'd love to have peace in this marriage. It's the best I can hope for. But I want so much more.

How long did it take for your compassionate feelings to grow gilmer?